Have you been reluctant to join a face-to-face group?

[JoAnnDallas]

Joining a CD support group is no different than joining a Model Railroading group. One can be a model railroader, even build a big layout in a spare bedroom, garage, or basement. This person can have a very enjoyable time operating his own layout by himself. Then he joins a railroading group. Sees other members layouts, get tips on this and that, they see his layout. He finds he enjoys operating some elses layout and enjoys seeing others operate his. He enjoys being around others that have a like interest.
I joined a railroading group when I lived in WV. It was a invitation only group. That is it was not open to the public. Why, model railroad layouts can cost thousands of dollars and trusting ones layout to others takes trust and getting to know the other people. It took me a year before I was offered a membership, as I built up a re pore, friendship, and their trust. My interest, skills, understanding, and modeling improved because of my membership.

Same for a CD group like Tri-Ess. Yes we have some rules, like we request (not demand) that your wife know, We like to meet a new member in drab outside of the club the first time, and etc. In fact you don't even have to be dressed to attend. Dressing at meetings is a individual choice. Most of these rules are because we want all our members to be safe and enjoy themselves at the meetings. We want to make sure that the new member is really a CD and not someone looking for a cheap thrill and etc. We do encourage wifes and SO's to join and attend, so that they can see others like their spouse and talk to other wifes/SO's. A support group can be the only place a closet CD can go to dressed and feel OK, because he is among others like himself and can feel safe.
We don't advertise the address of our meetings or even the general area. we do this so that our members can have a safe place to meet and enjoy each other's company.
I have learned a lot about dressing, makeup, and ect. I have made many good friends and some have even offered to go out with me which has helped improve my confidence. even my wife has recognized the benefits of my Tri-Ess membership and she has yet to go to a meeting with me.

[Raquel June]

Beth-Lock:

What exactly are you trying to get out of the group?

If you're reluctant to join a group, maybe you should start off by finding a group that isn't all secretive and goes to public places (usually clubs that aren't all that public). Then ask just fire off an email saying that you're a CD and you'd like to just go out and say hi. Then you can get to know people who aren't terrified of going in public.

I know there are a few "support groups" around where I live -- the type that want to give you an interview before they tell you where they meet. One of them is run by a girl who shows up every now and then at a club I like to go to en femme, and she's always ... umm ... well, she behaves very inappropriately. I'll leave it at that.

There are good groups and creepy groups. The more secretive ones certainly seem more creepy to me.

Just make sure that whatever group you're looking into approaches crossdressing in a way you agree with. For example, Tri-Ess is very specifically a group of heterosexual non-transgendered crossdressers. They do not allow homosexuals. They look down on queens and transvestites. They have a very narrow margin of what they find acceptable crossdressing. If you get much of a thrill out of it, you're a pervert. But Tri-Ess wants you to actually identify with your femininity. But if you identify too much with your femininity and get a twinge of bisexuality, or feel you're transgendered, then they don't want you, either.

[Rita Knight]

Hi Everyone,
I am a member of Tri-Ess chapter Chi Delta Mu in northern New Jersey.
The big reason for the interview process is to make sure a prospective member is really a CD and to keep admirers away. Wives do go to meetings and you really don't want admirers there. Unfortunately, meeting places have to remain secret.
As for national's policy of straight crossdressers only, a lot of chapters have a policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Cruise."
If you are serious about improving your look as a CD, you are going to have to meet other CDs. Tri-Ess is a safe way to go out for the first time. If you are a novice and don't look that good and the group puts you down about your looks, they are not worth joining.
Lastly, you can get dressed at a Tri-Ess meeting.

[JoAnnDallas]

racquel937 said...

Just make sure that whatever group you're looking into approaches crossdressing in a way you agree with. For example, Tri-Ess is very specifically a group of heterosexual non-transgendered crossdressers. They do not allow homosexuals. They look down on queens and transvestites. They have a very narrow margin of what they find acceptable crossdressing. If you get much of a thrill out of it, you're a pervert. But Tri-Ess wants you to actually identify with your femininity.

Each Tri-Ess chapter has a lot of leadway as to how they conduct their meetings. First a interveiw before allowing a CDer to attend a meeting is for safety of all members. It has been reported at the National Level where a few chapters have run into someone wanting to join that turned out these were really not CDer and wanted to join for nefarious reasions. Our chapter has 2 members who are post-op TS and one pre-op TS. Yes they joined long before they started transistion, but we are not going to kick them out because they have. We even have one member that is a GAY CDer. Her SO even comes to the meetings. Being hetrosexual is NOT a absolute rule. As I stated local Chapters have a lot more leadway than you think. Yes it does say on the National Web Site that Tri-Ess is for Hetrosexual CDers, but again is not a golden rule. As for Draq Queens, yes we do not have any in our chapter, but we have had a few as guests to our meetings, so that members could get to know and understand them and what being a DQ is all about. Also identifing with your femininity, isn't that what CDing is all about, getting to know you feminin side???

[Raquel June]

Wives do go to meetings and you really don't want admirers there.

That's understandable. I didn't mean to sound so down on Tri-Ess.

It's just that ... well ... I've had some very interesting encouters with married CDs who go to support groups (Tri-Ess and others). One second they'll be going on about how their wife doesn't understand them and that they're 100% hetero, the next second they'll be trying to stick their tongue down my (or some other young confused CD's) throat. It's happened more than once or twice. It's not like that horrifies me (my track record isn't exactly 100% straight), but it offends me when people are hypocrites and it offends me when people assume I'm easy, and in my experience married CDs who like support group meetings have been habitual offenders in both those areas. I think I've just had bad luck, though...

[jaina]

Beth-Lock:

But Tri-Ess wants you to actually identify with your femininity. But if you identify too much with your femininity and get a twinge of bisexuality, or feel you're transgendered, then they don't want you, either.

Thats my issue with tri-ess. and they aren't even secretive about it. They put their bigotry, homophobia and anti-gay propaganda right in there national mission statment.

Banning gay people from membership,
"Full Tri-Ess membership is limited to heterosexual crossdressers" (but they tolerate "Friends of tri-ess" to help funding).
they group gay, transgender and mentally ill under one banner.
They state the gay crossdressing leads to prostitution.

[Raquel June]

They state the gay crossdressing leads to prostitution.

Crossdressing is a slippery slope -- just like the way marijuana use leads directly to intravenous heroin use.

We all know what happened when GGs started wearing high heels around the mid 1500s. There were actually no hookers before the advent of hooker heels!!!

So for God's sake keep the skirts away from the gays! You know how most drag queens are gay? Well they're also prostitutes! I hear RuPaul hustles back-alley BJs when not performing!

[Donna Michelle]

Hi Caroline! I know that Caroline has fun with my friend Ashley in Massachusetts. I wish I could drive up there to meet you gals! A group started in the Allentown, PA area and some of us have already met before our first official meeting planned for next month. We are looking for transgendered, crossdressers who are m2f or f2m. Currently, it appears that all are m2f.

Many people were shy or nervous to go to a group meeting. My wife spoke with Debbi on the phone. We met and are friends. Debbi already met Ninna who called me yesterday. Many of us have things in common. Many are over 40 and married. Some of us have children still in school.

We didn't knowingly separate into a subgroup but the mature married gals kinda made fast friends while the young single members chat with each other. Still, everyone should have fun. We all have ONE thing in common, so we can chat about clothes, makeup and things like that.

Some gals are still in the closet, so we have a private location to meet instead of a local bar. We still need to get home before the police stop cars to see if we were drinking! It is fun to talk online, but it is even more fun to meet others in person. We can go shopping together, have makeovers and dinner, chat and have fun.

[JoAnnDallas]

racquel937.....Did this happen at the meetings or after at a club or something. If this happen outside the meeting, then there is nothing any group can do to prevent it.

[Raquel June]

racquel937.....Did this happen at the meetings or after at a club or something. If this happen outside the meeting, then there is nothing any group can do to prevent it.

No, I've never been to any kind of support group. I'm just saying that the most inappropriate behavior I've witnessed at a club has been perpetrated by organizers of local support groups.

[Beth-Lock]

Beth-Lock:

What exactly are you trying to get out of the group?

It started as a suggestion from a therapist I had started going to for the cross-dressing/transitioning issue. He suggested joining the local group. His idea was that my cross-dressing should be pursued in a safe way, physically and emotionally. It seemed logical for me, that I could find a place where I could cross-dress in relative safety. What the local group offered, (eventually, after some non-replying to my emails), as an entree, seemed meeting in a relatively scary part of town to dress in, and a place that had no proper facilities to dress on arrival and departure.
It does raise the issue, that seeking help/support/assistance/even just someone to talk to, raises personal issues with many and personal reserve tends to emerge. When it is eventually not such a touchy subject, when society is more accepting, perhaps this sort of reticence will go away.
Anyway, I have moved on. Thanks for caring.

[JoAnnDallas]

racquel937...........I can not believe your are judging ALL support groups by the actions of members of ONE group. You will always find bad apples in the barrel of apples. It does not mean that all the apples are bad. This is totaly flawed logic. Without having witness first hand how a support group operates, how can you say that support groups are no good.
Example: before I joined the "Greenbriar Model Railroading Club", I was in another railroading club ("The WV Mountian Railroad Club"). Some of the members were Paranoid when it came time for them to let the club use their layout. There was always infighting and Jealousy about who got to do what, that I finially quit the club. Did I now judge all Model railroading clubs to be like that one? No, because I knew that all RR clubs were different.

[SweetCaroline]

Hi Caroline! I know that Caroline has fun with my friend Ashley in Massachusetts. I wish I could drive up there to meet you gals! A group started in the Allentown, PA area and some of us have already met before our first official meeting planned for next month. We are looking for transgendered, crossdressers who are m2f or f2m. Currently, it appears that all are m2f.

Thanks for the quote friend.

Seriously, you might want to talk to Ash about starting an official SISTERS group out around Allentown, or at least a sister, Sister's group. I'm sure we'd support you.

[Jeannie]

Hi tess,

I agree to most of what you say maybe I'm just not ready yet. I have been made fun of in the past (as a child, not for dressing) and it was very painful and I don't want to have to put up with it as as adult. I have never done anything bad (well not real bad anyway) it's just going to take time and I'm in no big hurry. I am enjoying all the support here and I do find lots of courage in your words and I enjoy what you all do. It will help me to make that final decision. I am almost to the point of taking my first dress and I will drive probably try this fall. I will try to find a group when I retire in about two years and then we'll go from there. Thank you helping.

[sandra-leigh]

I agree to most of what you say maybe I'm just not ready yet.

Oh us girls, we're never ready on time!

I have been made fun of in the past (as a child, not for dressing) and it was very painful and I don't want to have to put up with it as as adult.

Childhood.... I came from a good family, but the ways of childhood (and teenage-hood) can be cruel. School was a place of high marks in everything except social skills (and handwriting). Not usually the very last one chosen for the team, but... I dunno, like I just mostly slipped nearly everyone's mind when it came to "hanging out with". I wasn't even disliked, but kids will tease those who are different, and if no-one remembers to step in and counter-balance that teasing with some friendship, then the casual cruelty without even any real ill-will just ends up hurting. What had I done to deserve the hurt? Nothing other than to be bright and different (somewhat akin to being high functioning autistic.) And I never ever did develop the sense to stop being different.

When you grow up like that, being teased by kids (and later, called names by complete strangers), and mostly ignored otherwise, at some point you start telling yourself that what other people think of you doesn't define you: you are who you are, and you act as is important to you, and if the ignorant boors don't like it, that's their problem, not yours. That others might put you down is sad but you can't save everyone: they chose to be ignorant or insulting, and they'll just have to live with themselves. And you do what you have to to live with yourself.

[Raquel June]

racquel937...........I can not believe your are judging ALL support groups by the actions of members of ONE group.

I'm not. I was pretty clear. I specifically said, "I didn't mean to sound so down on Tri-Ess," and, "I think I've just had bad luck." But now that I think about it...

There are good support groups and bad support groups. There are some REALLY great girls, the nicest people you'd ever meet, who are members of Crossport in Cincinnati. The founder of urnotalone.com is awesome and most of the people who go to their TParty in Columbus are wonderful. Oddly enough, those two groups welcome homosexuals, yet I have never witnessed any inappropriate advances or rude behavior from their memembers. I'm also friends with a number of flamboyantly gay drag queens, all of which have the nicest manners you can imagine.

On the other hand, I've witnessed (and been the subject of) very offensive behavior from multiple members of multiple other groups -- including Tri-Ess. The ironic part is that these groups do not welcome homosexuals, and in my experience the CDs who are always trying to score with other CDs are often married and like to complain, "Why doesn't my wife understand that I'm totally straight?"

Obviously these people are in the closet about their sexuality and are being very unfair to their wives, and Tri-Ess encourages this by claiming to be a totally heterosexual organization and by inviting CD's wives to come and be reassured that crossdressing is 100% straight behavior.

As I said, I've probably just had bad luck. But as CDs, I think we're all looking for a little tolerance and acceptance, and I seriously question why you would be a member of a group which makes it quite clear that their official policy is to not accept homosexuals. If your local chapter's actual practice does not match their written policy then either something subversive is going on, or they should split from Tri-Ess.

[JennieL]

Where I live is relatively small and very conservative. There is a group for cds,tvs, etc and I've made some tentative contact with this group in the past. However, I've now learned that a 'straight' bar in town has banned all cds and ts's because of the rude and offensive behaviour of a small (unrepresentative) number who go out of their way to get noticed in a very negative way (raising their skirts and 'flashing' their underwear, deliberately bumping into male customers and giving hell when they get a negative reaction, etc). This just makes it very difficult for those trying to come to terms with their own dressing and maintain a little dignity. It also makes me fear that these people have no regard for their own privacy and probably no-one else's either. Let's just say I'm more afraid about any kind of public socialising en femme than I was before.
JennieL

[Beth-Lock]

The step of going out in public is scary enough, but mixing in the complexities of socializing, goes further towards running into difficulties, mixing it with friendship is a further difficulty, and finally, mixing it with existing friendships and acquaintanceships, is most scary of the list. (Telling your SO would of course be even worse.)
So, maybe that is why it is more difficult to find a venue for CD activities, the further you get along the list. And a face-to-face group, is for that reason wary of welcoming new members that are an unknowable quality, and of course from my point of view, makes reaching out to such a group a bit of a scary problem too. Still worse is being stalled, and then seemingly regarded with suspicion rather than being welcomed. So, do you blame me considering the circumstances?
The remaining problem is, if group membership is therapeautic, then being on your own, on the other hand, is th opposite, and can lead to depression, crises, etc.

[TommiTN]

Anyone familiar with the Tennesse Vals? I've been to their website a few times, but am hoping for some independent feedback before I commit to anything. A gurl can't be too careful, ya know.

[Bev06 GG]

Everyone is different but for us joining a support group was the best thing we ever did. Not only does my partner get support but Iget to mix with other GGs. I love it. We have made lots of really good friends since attending. Funny really because we have an hours drive to Boston UK, and whilst there we have met two couples who live just up the road from us. Quite handy for car sharing.

For those of you with wives who are accepting you might consider whether or not it would be good for them. Not everyones cup of tea but I know the partners that I have met there love it because they get to mix with others in the same position as themselves. We even have wives who are struggling with acceptance who have said that being a part of a support group has helped them enormously. Dont forget Girls these groups are not just for you.
Bev

[Nicki B]

The step of going out in public is scary enough, but mixing in the complexities of socializing, goes further towards running into difficulties, mixing it with friendship is a further difficulty, and finally, mixing it with existing friendships and acquaintanceships, is most scary of the list. (Telling your SO would of course be even worse.)
So, maybe that is why it is more difficult to find a venue for CD activities, the further you get along the list. And a face-to-face group, is for that reason wary of welcoming new members that are an unknowable quality, and of course from my point of view, makes reaching out to such a group a bit of a scary problem too. Still worse is being stalled, and then seemingly regarded with suspicion rather than being welcomed. So, do you blame me considering the circumstances?

Beth, if you had total freedom, what would you really want to do?

Now you've answered that question for yourself, try and find possibilities and ways of doing it? It's one or two good friends you really need, isn't it?

[Karren H]

Not reluctant... I've been invited to join but one, I don't have the time and two, I really don't need any kind of support group... imho.. yeah it would be fun but I can't fit in one more thing right now.....

[Beth-Lock]

I think I really wanted my regular acquaintances and friends to accept me in either gender, though at the time I came out, mainly just in the fem gender, since I was thinking I might go almost full-time, and beyond into transition. What could I have been thinking!?
As you point out, it is more realistic to have just a couple of good freinds accepting it. I used to have a woman friend who would go along with it a certain dsitance, but like all friendships with women seem to go, that is over. My best male friend seems genuinely phobic about the whole thing, though he does not live in town anyway.

[Nicole1]

I am really sorry that so many have had difficulty in finding a good support group. I and my wife attend the local Tri-ess and the face to face environment is what we like. You can say and be anything on the Internet; but face to face is a bit different. You can talk to them and see that they are what they say and I feel a better association is accomplished. I personally am glad that the group had me meet a member face to face prior to giving up all the facts about the group. Safety, and privacy are very important to me and my wife; and knowing that they are concerned about protecting my privacy as well as the other members makes me feel better. It also gave me a chance to get some answers about the group and what they were about. I was much more comfortable attending my first meeting; and now, I only wish it was more than once a month. I love this Forum and I find it very valuable; but it is not the same as looking at someone face to face. Keep looking for a group to share with. Google crossdresser groups for your area. Well, that's my

Hugs

Nicole

[Rachael502]

I'm sooooo close to being ready to take the deep breath and join a local group......But just can't quite bring myself to do it yet.......hmmmmm.....maybe the better idea would be to join a group a little ways away from where I live.......??