Unreasonable intolerance

[Chiana]

I was at lunch the other day with a friend. When I first walked into the restraunt, I saw a lady who appeared to be a transsexual or transgender person. My friend is certainly not what you would call tolerant. He frequently uses expressions that could be considered rude and offensive. I got there first so I sat where I was looking towards this TS lady. He sat with his back to her. I was pleased to see that the staff at the restraunt seem to treat her like any other customer. And I didn't notice any negative responses from the other customers. When she got ready to leave she happened to walk right behind me. My friend immediately sat back in his chair and got this "I hate you and I want to kick your ass" look on his face. If looks could kill, she would have been dead. I started to sense that he might actually do something stupid so I tried to draw his attention away by repeatedly calling his name and asking him the same question and he finally turned attention toward me and away from her. She left but he turned one more time to look at her. He shook his head in disgust and continued our previous conversation like nothing happened. He never said anything about her.

This guy is really a pretty nice guy for the most part and he has been a friend of mine for at least 30 years. I just can't understand that level of hatred to someone who has never done anything to hurt you. I wonder how he would react if he found out about me? We probably wouldn't be eating lunch together anymore.

[Nadia-Maria]

This guy is really a pretty nice guy for the most part and he has been a friend of mine for at least 30 years. I just can't understand that level of hatred to someone who has never done anything to hurt you. I wonder how he would react if he found out about me? We probably wouldn't be eating lunch together anymore.

Did you tell him something about your feelings towards his untolerant attitude or not ?

If not, do you think you are really "friends" ? Wouldn't the word "colleague" be more appropriate ?

Hugs

Nadia

[Darlene Rochelle]

Some folks have such a hatred towards the GLBT community that it sickens me. My bosses at work are SO BAD in that aspect,I cringe at remarks they make.

[kerrianna]

Why on earth would you want to be friends with someone like that?

He needs to hear this: "I just can't understand that level of hatred to someone who has never done anything to hurt you."

He shouldn't have his boorish, ignorant behaviour encouraged or condoned.

Personally I've long since cut people like that out of my life, but seeing as you haven't maybe you should ask him one day why he thinks it's okay to be such a jerk.

[Amy Hepker]

People like that are not secure in their own world and think everyone should who they want them to be.

[Darlene Dippy]

There are many people in the world who are twisted by hate and hurt for others.
Really they should have our pity, they live in the gloom away from the light.

- I felt fear and anger, because I was not understanding.

- but I learnt compassion and love and knew who I was.....

Darlene

[Jenny Beth]

I've come across a few people like that but I avoid them like the plague.

[Sedona]

Chiana,

While I'd love to just say "kick him to the curb," a 30 year relationship is not an easy thing to toss aside. But, you'll probably find you'll find excuses to not hang out.

[TGMarla]

Here come all the "How could you be friends with..." posts. Look, I have numerous friends who are intolerant of transgenderism. It's not so much a hatred as it is an ignorance. My own brother is intolerant of the transgendered, and I love him very much. They know no better because it's a path they've never walked. It's a learned intolerance, not an inherent one. They just don't know any better.

It's better to nurture friendships, knowing that your tolerance of their shortcomings is the higher road.

[TxKimberly]

I agree with Sedona and TgMarla - you don't just throw away a good friendship because your friend has shortcomings and flaws. We ALL have our flaws - it just happens that one of this friends flaws is at the intersection of one of your sensitive spots. lol
If you ask me, and I realise you didn't, it is just this sort of situation that has the potential for a good thing to happen. The friend freaked - you didn't. Simply by your example you may have done good.

[Suzy Harrison]

Well the world and attitudes are changing. Your friend is going to find himself at odds with the rest of the world in the very near future.

Only last week I attended a training course provided by the company I work for, which made it clear that all types of diversity are protected by law and any form of discrimination will not be tollerated.

...and I had a quick check of the list - and Transgender is in there too !

[MsJoann]

Yes the hatred is still out there. I know people who are exactly that way. Be careful.

[Ruth]

Chiana, what I didn't get from your post was any indication that your companion did or said anything unpleasant. And I suppose a certain amount of distaste is OK. We're not obliged to like everybody.
Besides that, the expression on a person's face is not a totally reliable guide to what's going on inside. Are you possibly projecting your own fears of intolerance here?
There is a lot of intolerance and hatred of anyone "different", but if you don't see it, don't imagine it.

[Karren H]

Some people are just that way... My grandmother hated catholics. And italians!! As much as your friend hated Ts's.. I still loved her even if she did have flaws. And I have friends the same way.. That's just life.. Doesn't make it right but ya got to learn to live with it imho...

[Sallee]

Amy
I think you have hit the nail on the head with that statement They are not secure in there world. I can remember making negative comments once before I was accepting of my cding. It was to let others know that I couldn't possibly be one of those. Now I would be more tempted to tell them that I am oneof those just to see their response,

[Claire3]

good thread!We're not acceppted socially,your friend has no understanding of us and who we are.Whose to blame?Haven't a clue.Guess you'll find out if he's a real friend if he finds out and turns against you,or is that fair?its a complicated life sometimes!

[Kate Simmons]

What really grinds me about this kind of stuff is that there are TG people out there (Police, Firefighters, EMT's, Military, etc.) who put their lives on the line on a daily basis for the very people who are intolerant against them without a second thought or a moment's hesitation, not just because it's their job either but because they care. I'm wondering just how many intolerant people would refuse help from these folks if they knew up front they were TG. Not too many I would venture to say.

[Holly]

So sorry, but this thread is just begging the question, "What is reasonable intolerance?" Is hatred of anyone who lives a different lifestyle ever reasonable?

[boy2girl31]

Holly as to intolerance ever being reasonable [SIZE="3"] NO[/SIZE].
Everyone is different should we exclude people who are bald, who are short, or who are fat. NO The fact is that there is no such thing as "being normal" we are all different and should all be treated with respect.

Chiana maybe this is a way to broach the subject with your friend by simply explaining that no-one is "normal" pick a point about your friend and yourself that are different and ask him if the two of you should we treated rudely because of your faults. He may then think about his behavior.

[Sedona]

So sorry, but this thread is just begging the question, "What is reasonable intolerance?" Is hatred of anyone who lives a different lifestyle ever reasonable?

I think that some level of intolerance will always be part of our society, and should be "reasonable," to expect, and dealt with reasonably.

I have dark skin, I deal with a large cross section while on my job daily, and it's reasonable to assume that some of them are racists. What is reasonable is that those people act professionally in my presence, and treat me like any member of their "prefered" races. If they threaten me, treat me with discourtesy, or let their biases be known, that is unreasonable.

Many of us have biases, whether we want to admit them or not, the question is can we put those biases aside and deal rationally with people in our day to day lives?


I think that while it was shocking, Chiana's friend behaved in a reasonable manner. He was with a 30 year friend, only shot dirty looks (assuming no outsider was witness), and had the wherewithall to not address the CDer, or bring it up with Chiana's drab self. He could have done a lot of things to escalate things, but chose not to.

Sucks for Chiana, and I stand by what I said before that I would limit my exposure to this friend, but I'm sure he has many redeeming qualities that overshadow this brief gaffe (no pun intended).

Heck, just to play devil's advocate, maybe Chiana's friend was angry that the CDer had a too-long slip that was showing beneath her skirt?

[DanaR]

This thread is similar to a conversation I had with my daughter when she was thirteen. During the discussion I asked her if she found out that one of her good friends was a lesbian; would she now, not like her? Her answer was that she couldn't be friends with someone like that.

I was probably asking the questions to get a feel for what would happen if she found out about me. She did find out about me when she was nineteen. I've never had anyone say such horrible things to or about me and/or about my wife. My two older daughters wondered if she was trying to break up our marriage. It took about four years before I felt very comfortable around her, we were very good friend before she found out.

If it would have been anyone else, instead of my daughter, we might not have ever talked again. For me it is difficult to understand why people could hate others so much.

[victoriamwilliams1]

This guy is really a pretty nice guy for the most part and he has been a friend of mine for at least 30 years. I just can't understand that level of hatred to someone who has never done anything to hurt you. I wonder how he would react if he found out about me? We probably wouldn't be eating lunch together anymore.

In some cases people ho have those attitudes are themselves struggling with there own identity so they express it as hate when secretly they are jealous that they did not get a chance to express themselves. In this case it could be not knowing or just plain hate! In fact every family has a LGBT person or persons in it.

[Emily Anderson]

If this person is truly a friend, then as a friend you should let them know that your were disturbed by the look on his face, and have an open conversation about it. As some else already mentioned, it's not always easy to know what a person is thinking just from their facial expression. For example, has it occurred to you that your friend may have been acting that way to impress you? Or, perhaps he is actually attracted to CD's, but felt embarrassed, and showed opposite behaviour to what he was actually thinking. Or, one of many other reasons, including the one you suspect.

You should discuss it, and let him know that you felt uncomfortable about in that situation, even if it is only to let him know that you don't appreciate it.

[sandra-leigh]

What really grinds me about this kind of stuff is that there are TG people out there (Police, Firefighters, EMT's, Military, etc.) who put their lives on the line on a daily basis for the very people who are intolerant against them without a second thought or a moment's hesitation, not just because it's their job either but because they care.

Reminds me of the movie "Crash"... people are complex!

[jaina]

This guy is really a pretty nice guy for the most part

He doesn't sound in any way like a "nice guy".