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Thread: Thoughts for those whose SOs don't accept

  1. #1
    Girlygirl Tomboy Wannabee Toni_Lynn's Avatar
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    Thoughts for those whose SOs don't accept

    As I was sitting here at my pc in my nightgown looking over the various threads, especially the one about matching pj's, a wave of sadness came over me. It wasn't sadness about anything in my life, but rather sadness for my sisters here whose wives know of their crossdressing and do not accept it and are even hostile toward it. If feel for you so very much, for both of you. The stress that one feels when they can't tell or are afraid to tell, something I have felt, must seem like nothing compared to the sorrow you feel when the one that you have vowed to love forever rejectes the full you.

    I told my wife Debbie about my sadness for all you last night, and my wishes that I could make it all better by saying something. I told her that I was afraid that anything I might say would come off as sounding holier than thou, because Debbie accepts, encourages, and loves me as a crossdresser. She then encouraged me to go ahead and type out my thoughts.

    So, I turn the first thought over to her actually. It seems that it so many cases, your SO found out after you got married. Debbie wondered if the question to ask her would be: 'if you had known that I was a crossdresser before we got married, would you still have married me?'. This is a difficult question, with a difficult answer I'm sure, but the point is that you are still the same person now that you were then.

    My thoughts now. This is a difficult one and you may not like the words. When you are crossdressed, never forget that you are a man. Wow -- what a contradiction, eh? Well, I go back to something that I heard several weeks back. I was attending a conference of Catholic men. A priest spoke there, and said something that stuck with me. It dealt with our role as husbands. He said that we need to be able to say to our wives, "I will stand in front of you, facing the evils of the world, look those evils square on, and say to them -- to get to her, you need to get through me first". The point here is that if you can say that to your wife, whether you are wearing a dress, bra and panties, or a suit, tie, and jockey shorts doesn't matter.

    The one other thought that I had, again a difficult one, is .. never love the girl within you more than you love the girl you're with. When you are dressed, don't forget about her, for half off the love that unites you, and can actually bring wings to the girl that you are, comes from her. Show your wife how much you love her in everything you do. Compliment her on what she wears, but don't do so in way that comes off as envy. At the same time, when dressed, or even talking about it, don't exclude her, or, even more importantly, her thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the best thing we can do is shut up and listen and then follow up with questions that not about you, but about her.

    I may not be making any sense here, but these are my thoughts. If you are going through a difficult time because your SO just found out, or you are in a relationship where she doesn't accept, know that you and your spouse are in our thoughts and prayers.

    Huggles

    Toni-Lynn
    Last edited by Toni_Lynn; 06-22-2008 at 10:28 AM.
    --I'm TN (transnationalist) - a Canadian born in an American's body! I stand on guard for thee!

  2. #2
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    Those are great thoughts!

    Each of your thoughts are succeedingly better than the one before it. Of course, if your wife says no to the first one, you really have your work cut out for you convincing her that you are the same person whether in male or female mode. I think that for the second thought that if your wife doubts that you would not defend her with your life, then no matter how you are dressed has no significance and thirdly, when you bring another woman into a relationship then there must be doubts about which one you care about the most. You must continually tell her how much you love her. Men have a difficult time expressing their feelings but when we take on our feminine personna, we need to be able to express our love and fidelity as a woman, always reinforcing the strength of our relationship with our spouse.

    Additionally, I think that your SO must be solidly secure in your marriage/relationship because any insecurity breeds doubt and mistrust and therefore drives a wedge between the two of you. By continually expressing our love and joy to be a part of a couple then and only then might your SO more easily accept your feminine side.

  3. #3
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    You know what? I agree with all that. As a crossdresser who's wife knows, but isn't down with it, I can relate completely to where you're going with this. And I'll say this: just because we don't discuss it, it doesn't mean we won't ever discuss it. And I think I will try to keep this advice in front of me when we do discuss it.

    I wish things were different. But they're not, and when they are different, I hope they will be different in a good way. I always try to keep her at the front of my thoughts. She deserves it.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


    "This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"

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  4. #4
    Former Member LindaMarie's Avatar
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    Toni-Lynn,

    Thanks so much for your post.

    As someone whose wife thinks that crossdressing is "creepy" I clearly fit into the category of "cd with non accepting wife."

    I do think a lot of our problems are in the way I told her about my crossdressing and my actions afterward.

    Because it's so difficult to even discuss crossdressing, there have been times when I've lied about whether I've dressed. The dishonesty is wrong, even if she never found out. When she has found out about my lies, it's even worse.

    I think she's come to associate my dishonesty with crossdressing which doesn't help when we try to discuss accommodations or compromises.

    While I understand how difficult this can be for her (she didn't know until after we were married), I think I've demonstrated my love and devotion to her. Because of my past mistakes, I've tried to take things slowly, but there are times when I feel very resentful.

    I can understand how having a crossdressing husband could make a wife feel insecure and confused, but I've tried very hard to try to keep communications open.

    Most days, I'm frustrated but hopeful that somehow, we'll work out some kind of agreement. However, there are other days when it just all feels so hopeless.

    I wish there was a way to convince her that I'm not creepy and that I'm not going to embarass her. I'm hurt because I really have tried to show she comes first and I don't feel her reciprocating.

    Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I love my wife, but I get so frustrated. I have no inclination to transition or ever do anything but dress part time. It just seems fairly innocuous. I know where relationships are concerned, I shouldn't underestimate how difficult this can be for her. But, I've really tried.

    I am very jealous of those couples who have worked out arrangments, even if they're not perfect. Of course, I'm most envious of those whose wives are fully supportive, but I don't think that will ever happen. But I don't think it's too much to ask for some acceptance and understanding and acknowledgement that I do the best I can.

    Linda
    Linda Marie Daniels

  5. #5
    Silver Member LilSissyStevie's Avatar
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    As one that has an accepting, supportive wife, I think I can say that you've articulated many of the reasons why our relationship is so successful in spite of my many quirks.

    never love the girl within you more than you love the girl you're with

    Oh my! That is priceless! But, then again, how could I?

  6. #6
    Just trying be who I am. Byllie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Toni_Lynn View Post
    I may not be making any sense here, but these are my thoughts.
    Actually, Toni-Lynn, you're making a whole lot of sense. I agree that one could fall in love more with the woman inside than the woman outside, and that it was the latter that one chose to marry. That said, I also believe that before we can approach our SOs about our CD, we need to have a reasonable understanding of ourselves. Or at the least, be able to voice whatever confusion we may be experiencing.
    Life comes in all colors ... so please be kind to all you meet.

  7. #7
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    Toni Lynn, what a beautiful post. Reading it brought tears to my eyes. Unfortunately I am one of those who had a wife that would not accept the cd part of me. I made the mistake of telling her after being married many years instead of before we were married. For many years I lived with feelings of guilt and dishonesty because I hid this part of me from her. When I reached the point where I could no longer live this way I revealed this part of who I am to her. Her reaction was that she was convinced that I was mentally deficient in some way and must also be gay to want to act this way. Nothing I said to her would convince her to change her mind about how she felt about this. We eventually devorced over this issue and I lost the woman I loved because I made the decision to be honest with her. I was wrong in my assumption that she would still accept me knowing that I was a cd. I am so envious of all the cd's in the world who have understanding and supportive wives or SO's. I hope all of them realize how fortunate they are and that there are so many others such as myself that are not so fortunate.

  8. #8
    Donna Michelle Donna Michelle's Avatar
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    Toni-Lynn, your post is a MUST READ for members! Fantastic! I totally agree with you. I was lucky to be married to TWO supportive wives. I met Julie at work and she knew I crossdressed before we married. We went to clubs in New York.

    My current wife did NOT know, but when I came out, she was disappointed that I kept secrets from her. She wasn't surprised about the crossdressing and has been supporting me AND my friends!

    It seems that it so many cases, your SO found out after you got married. Debbie wondered if the question to ask her would be: 'if you had known that I was a crossdresser before we got married, would you still have married me?'. This is a difficult question, with a difficult answer I'm sure, but the point is that you are still the same person now that you were then.
    My wife says I am the same gift in a different package. I am the same person in different clothes. It is no big deal (to her).

    For those whose SOs don't accept, may you accept yourself and others. And may you find your true soul mate.

  9. #9
    Mature Member sara_also's Avatar
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    I agree, a must read for all. No matter what your situation. Thank you.

  10. #10
    girl next door
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    Thanx very much for posting, Toni
    .
    [SIZE="3"]
    my wish for you is peace
    [/SIZE]

    .

    lo·gom·a·chy /loʊˈgɒməki/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[loh-gom-uh-kee] –noun, plural -chies.
    1. a dispute about or concerning words.
    2. an argument or debate marked by the reckless or incorrect use of words; meaningless battle of words

  11. #11
    terri jane
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    a letter of thanks

    how approprate on the timing. my wife and i are struggling with this very issue. i didnt tell that i was a cder before marriage although dressing was part of our lovemakng from tme to time.. i geuss i dint have a name for what i liked because of what i feared. soeventually now that my desires are out of the closet she has a sense of betrayal and sees me as twisted and sometimes gay. i feel so rejected because it has been a secret part of me since chldhood.. i think your letter s very understanding and magnamimous to try and understand how others might feel and experience life. again thank you it just seems so difficult for me to reject that part of myself as she does. but living in secrecy or by the old dont ask dont tell just keeps is shameful.

  12. #12
    Girlygirl Tomboy Wannabee Toni_Lynn's Avatar
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    Debbie and I wanted to take the opportunity to thank all of you for your sweet comments on my post. Rest assured that the feelings we express for all of you, are from the heart and are coupled with our prayers that both you and your SO will find peace, happiness and acceptance

    Huggles

    Toni-Lynn and Debbie
    --I'm TN (transnationalist) - a Canadian born in an American's body! I stand on guard for thee!

  13. #13
    Silver Member kittypw GG's Avatar
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    Toni-lynn,
    If only my husband felt this way about me and our marriage. Well we would not be in the process of a divorce.

    Everything you said makes perfect sense to me and probably is the reason you have a loving and suppoting wife.

    I could totally have accepted my husband as his fem presentation (and did) until I discovered "she" was first and formost the love of his life. This realization hurts a lot.

    Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and I hope someone who considers their wife to be not supporting will really think about what you have said.


    Kitty

  14. #14
    Trans Species Joy Carter's Avatar
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    I was married at age twenty (69'), and had not dressed since I was maybe thirteen. And while the thoughts never left me, I kept it to myself, because I had no idea of how ingrained my trans nature was. I didn't tell her when I asked her to marry. There was no Internet. No information. A couple years latter after a problem developed in the marage, I started to dress. I told her as she knew and hadn't confronted me with it. So back we went not speaking of it. That was an ongoing thing for about thirty five years. Imagine both of our pain. I finaly had to be myself two years ago, and started dressing. She was upset beyone words. Believe me I felt like two cents. The biggest hurt is when she said she was mad because I didn't tell her. That she was sorry that she had married me. It two weeks and too few talks. She told me as long as she didn't see it, to do what I wanted. She still has not dealt with it on her level. Aside from the guilt I feel. Eveyone who knows me (they don't know) has noticed a change, as my wife has. I love her more that life. She feels the same. Just that we can't come to terms with this side of me. We are together till the end. Just this unspoken hurt that may never be remedied.

  15. #15
    Silver Member kittypw GG's Avatar
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    Oh Joy life is so bittersweet.

    Kitty

  16. #16
    Still wishing upon a star Andi's Avatar
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    Words of Wisdom

    Quote Originally Posted by Toni_Lynn View Post
    .... we need to be able to say to our wives, "I will stand in front of you, facing the evils of the world, look those evils square on, and say to them -- to get to her, you need to get through me first"..... never love the girl within you more than you love the girl you're with........Show your wife how much you love her in everything you do... don't exclude her, or, even more importantly, her thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the best thing we can do is shut up and listen and then follow up with questions that not about you, but about her....

    Toni-Lynn, I extracted the heart of your message and guess what? It makes sense and is excellent advice for any relationship, CD or not. My wife probably will never accept this part of me, but I've tried to put her first in all matters. I've tried to give 90% while only expecting 10% in return and we've had a good life for 43 years. I go to special lengths to keep Andi out of her site because I know she is unable to deal with her. Her not accepting that part of me did not diminish her ability to be a caring, loving, dedicated wife, friend, and mother to our children. For all she's done there is no way I would hurt her intentionally. So, I suffer on the inside but it's not the worst thing in the world - losing her would be.
    Hugs, Andi

  17. #17
    Junior Member KATIE TV's Avatar
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    I think Toni has hit the nail on the head when she says “do not exclude” a partner who excepts your cross dressing, An example of this is the sad story by Kittypw GG, I HAVE made this mistake as having found a lady who loves and encourages me to be what I am, I then seemed to concentrate on “Katie” and what she wanted, This came to a head and my realisation of what I was doing about a year ago when me and a CD friend where getting ready to go to London for the evening with my partner “J” We were both like a couple of teenage girls spending all afternoon deciding what we were going to wear, choosing make up. nail varnish ect. And hogging the bathroom and totally ignoring “J” and her needs. Luckily she is not one to suffer in silence and finally made her displeasure known, Katie’s selfishness could have ruined the evening and if it had continued may be the best relationship of my life, So to all of you who have understanding and supportive partners be warned do not let you feminine side become your total fixation and just realise how lucky you are to be loved for who you are. It dose appear that we are in the minority and there are lots of cross dressers who would love to be in our position, so don’t spoil it. Love to you all Katie.

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