Must be THAT hard!

[dann]

I don't post very often but i have no place else to dump this and simply let it out.

I came out to my wife 3 years ago. Just 7 months ago she finally brought herself to look at pictures of me dressed. It was almost the final straw in our marriage. Since then it's been a state of "don't ask don't tell" limbo. Sort of like, if i bring it up and force her to talk about it or she has to be faced with it in any way that shatters her denial of it's existance we might as well say goodbye then and there.

So be it. I can stuff it back in the closet for the sake of our marriage.

But she knows darn well it's still there. So when she decides she's going to clean out her closet and get rid of all the old clothes she doesn't wear anymore (and I'm talking about some really awesome stuff here) should I be a little baffled that she could find no way to even slyly offer me up dibs on the stuff before it ended up in the bin at the Salvation Army? Is that how far denial goes? Does denial completely dilude practicality?...As in, it would be that much less I'd spend the next time I want to add to my small collection. Is there no way she could've left a note on the hefty bag stating "this bag leaves here in 24 hours"? perhaps cluing me in to get it while i can and get it out of her sight....NOOOOOO.. oh that's right, her husband isn't a crossdresser, what interest would I have in her old clothing. Why would I mind that she chose to stop off and donate the stuff to SA on our way home from dinner on my birthday? Anytime before 3 years ago those bags of clothes would've hung around in the attic endlessly while she decided what to do with them. Now, miraculously they find themselves on the fast track out of the house...lest anyone be tempted.Lest she give up the chance to control my crossdressing in any indirect way she can.

I love her. I really do. i just wish we could love fully.I wish every one of us could.
Whatever. Consider it dumped. I feel better now.

dann

[Kierci]

Sounds to me like you need to talk to her about the reality of your finances and her selfishness, she obviously knows an has not left yet It sounds to me that she is only thinking about herself, which she probably would be quick to accuse you of doing, this is just my

[Andrea Elva]

You think just being a Crossdresser is hard well try coming out to the wife of 30 years as well as co-workers ,friends and family that you are transsexual and will be start living as a woman full time, now that is hard. I just done this from last month and it has goon well, there were a few problems and rejection at first but all is working out…

[deja true]

Actually dann, if your wife is sooo negative about your dressing, you'd better not ask for her old stuff ever.

She'd feel as violated as a rape victim if she knew you were wearing it for your "perverse" obsession. That's why she dumped it so fast. And so obviously... It sounds like she already feels somewhere near that.

You guys need a lot more communication before you're ever gonna get even to the stage of mere tolerance. And even a slightly selfish, me-first, show of attitude on your part is gonna set her off again.

Think about how this has hurt her instead of the few measly dollars you might have saved by scrounging her cast-offs.

Sorry this sounds harsh, hun, but that's how it reads to me.

Cool your jets a little, dann baby, the world is full of clothes!

[Sandra]

Have you thought that she can't bear to think of you wearing her old clothes? If she's not accepting then she certainly isn't going to let you have her stuff.

Sounds to me like you need to talk to her about the reality of your finances and her selfishness, she obviously knows an has not left yet It sounds to me that she is only thinking about herself, which she probably would be quick to accuse you of doing, this is just my

And why is she being shelfish and only thinking about herself.?

Yet again just because the wife doesn't want to know she's made out to be the bad one here.

[LisaElizabeth]

Dann,
I have to agree with Deja!! You really DO NOT WANT her old clothing!!! She has the problem and IF she were to see her old clothes in your closet or IF in the future she would see you actually WEARING something she got rid of, It would NOT be a pretty site!!! You may as well find a good divorce lawyer at that time!!
Let her throw out all her old stuff. Now, if there is a clothing center or if you have a tri-ess group or other support group that is having a clthing exchange, you might talk her into donating some of her things to that. Otherwise let the Slavation Army or Goodwill have all of it!! It wil keep things a lot calmer in the house.
Lisa Elizabeth

[Wendy me]

and what part of putting your cross dressing in the closet like you said don't you get??? if she knows and is uncomfortable with it respect it .... don't force her to go some were she is uncomfortable with..... small steps start with respecte.............

[Di]

But the way it looks she did not want you to wear HER clothes........NOT A BIG DEAL......some people do not like others to wear their clothes. And since it is "don't ask don't tell" I am sure it would cross her comfort zone for you to be wearing her clothes. So go on buy a few things yourself at the Salvation Army....and let this go. Hope you feel better getting it out...but in the long run since she isn't accepting it would might have dug at her that you were wearing her clothes....so buy your own and everyone is happy.

[TGMarla]

I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone else here. My situation is not unlike yours, in that my wife does not want to discuss the matter. I found that purchasing my own stuff on Ebay is much more satisfying than digging around in her closets anyway. Many women, especially those that are not down with crossdressing husbands, don't want others wearing their clothing, seeing it as a violation of their own personal space.

Save up a few bucks here and there, take some measurements of yourself, and do some window shopping. You'll be better off in the long run. Like Deja said, the world is full of clothes.

[Roberta Marie]

I don't know your full situation, and I may be way off target. But, if she is in that much denial, she probably does not understand how deep being TG goes. She may not realize that this is part of your very being, and she probably does not know how much of an effect her non acceptance has on you.

It is tough trying to communicate these issues to someone who does not want to hear. But you have to find a way to allow her to open up. Have you tried counseling? I would suggest finding a good counselor that has experience dealing with transgender issues. A good couselor will not take sides, will not judge, but rather will work at breaking down barriers to communication. And, you should be willing to understand that the communication problems are probably equally shared between the two of you.

Grace,
Bobbi

["Mary"]

Her clothes. Violation... I believe that is true.

I'm pretty lucky that my wife is significantly smaller than me, in this regard. Other wise, I'd be tempted too, as she has out grown some nice dresses.

Hang in there.

[Tamara Croft]

Dann, you have to be the most selfish person I've ever known on this forum, to come out with such crap about your WIFE on here, just because she doesn't want you to wear her clothes, because she can't stand your cding... you pulling the 'oh woe is me' bullshit. I'm sorry, but that's what it is... bullshit... grow up already and buy you're own damn clothes.

Sounds to me like you need to talk to her about the reality of your finances and her selfishness

Wow, so she's selfish in your eyes also? I can't believe what I'm reading, I really can't. So it's now her fault that she doesn't want THE MAN SHE MARRIED to wear HER clothes now? I'll remember that... must give all my stuff to cd's or I'm selfish.. ok noted...

This has to be the most self pitying, idiotic thread I've read here for a long time, with 2 selfish thrown into the mix of it... selfish indeed...

[Kieron Andrew]

pity party 101

im actually speechless!

[JoAnnDallas]

Up till 2 months ago, my wife and I also had a "don't ask don't tell" policy. I could dress when she was not home and could go to my Tri-Ess meeting, but did not want to see me dressed or pictures. Then 2 months ago, she got her schedule mixed up and we came face-to-face with me fully dressed. Since then she has decided to accept my CDing. She has now seen my web site, the forums I use, pictures, and even took a picture of me fully dressed before I went to the Annual Banquet/Prom last Saturday evening.
I have asked her why she changed her mind. She told me that seeing me fully dressed that Sunday afternoon, that I was not dressed like she thought a CDer dressed like and that I did look like a normal female and not a "Man-in-a-dress". I fully believe she has preconeived notions about how CDers looked, dressed, acted, and etc. I am sure she felt I was embarresting myself and everyone that saw me dressed was pointing fingures at me and laughing at me. We talk about my CDing from time to time and we have both learned a lot. My wife now looks at my dressing the same way she used to look at me wearing a costume when I would go play D&D at a SciFi convention.

Try and talk to your wife. See if she will tell you her fears and thoughts about you and your CDing. Could be she like my wife has preconcieved notions about what a CDer is and etc.

[jill s]

I agree you are out of line about the cloths- BUT I also understand the stress of the "Don't talk about it and it isn't real" thing. Yes being TG can be unfair to both parties in a marriage. You said you want to vent and I see your post as pent up frustration, wish I could tell you what to do about it but I'm about to lose it myself lately.

[DonnaT]

No wonder Dann doesn't post often. Such responses! It's a shame, it really is.

Dann, my wife is accepting, and has known for 32 years. Yet when it comes to her giving me clothes she no longer wears, or giving it to charity, it goes to charity.

They are still her clothes until dropped off elsewhere, and she never wants to see me in her clothes.

I suggest, if there is something you want that's she's disposing with the SA, just go to the SA and see if you can buy it back. They aren't expensive. And the few buck you'll spend gets put to good use.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Dann

As much as I can see why your upset at not getting clothes she no longer uses I think you are wrong to get upset about it

The thought of you wearing her clothes may be even more upsetting than knowing about you buying you own clothes to crossdress

It's a bit like an invasion of privacy

You will have to cope with the situation as it is unless you have improved communication and understanding of each others needs

[Tree GG]

I offer him the clothes I don't want, but he hardly ever accepts. Different tastes I think but he's worn my clothes before and I'm not upset. I wear some of his and it's OK.

What concerns me more is that she's known for 3 yrs...you've decided on a don't see, don't tell arrangement (which is fine if it works for you)...but now you're upset that she didn't consider your CDing clothing needs. Confusion on my part.

You're are obviously not comfortable with the arrangement and the only way anything will change is if you take action (I'm talking [SIZE="1"]small[/SIZE], careful actions here.

How's about just a simple sentence, like "I noticed you cleaned out your closet and donated the clothing. I really like your taste and some of those clothes I would've loved to have. Is it possible I could look thru the next batch before it goes to charity?" You aren't accusing her of anything....respecting her reasons by not questioning them...reiterated that you are still a CD...and asked what I believe to be a perfectly reasonable question. You may get a blank stare for an answer, but at least you made your position known in a non-threatening way and opened the door for potential CD discussions.

Good luck.

[racquel]

No wonder Dann doesn't post often. Such responses! It's a shame, it really is.

My thought as well.Pretty harsh

[deja true]

My thought as well.Pretty harsh

Well, ladies, while we're really all pretty supportive of each other (and you know that to be true), sometimes the wrong attitude is so obvious there needs to be a little wrist slapping.

Nothing said is said to be cruel, just as a wake up call to somebody who may be a little lost in the pink fog. You can't whisper a no-no through the pink fog. You gotta shout! There are thousands of us here. We're not all perfect girls and perfect ladies.

I've been slapped here before (and not as a joke either). And I learned a couple of very valuable lessons. I expect to be slapped again a time or two in the future. And if it drives home a message of further tolerance and the idea that each of us, including the intolerant, are deserving of respect, I'll take that lesson gladly.

Dann, it's like your parents used to say..."We're correcting you because we love you. And want you to be a better person!"

Okay, hunny?

I apologize that you got dumped on, but please hear our call. It's not just your wife that has issues. You both do. And so do we all!

love,

deja

[Donna Michelle]

I came out to my wife 3 years ago. Just 7 months ago she finally brought herself to look at pictures of me dressed. It was almost the final straw in our marriage.

It took her this long to look at this part of your life? Like what you wear matters more than who you are? She sounds very shallow and/or closed minded to me.

Why would I mind that she chose to stop off and donate the stuff to SA on our way home from dinner on my birthday? Anytime before 3 years ago those bags of clothes would've hung around in the attic endlessly while she decided what to do with them. Now, miraculously they find themselves on the fast track out of the house...lest anyone be tempted.Lest she give up the chance to control my crossdressing in any indirect way she can.

Ouch! What a selfish (censored)! When my wife found out I secretly wore her clothes, she didn't mind! She bought me my own things, but if I can wear it, I will. When we got married, I said what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. She had no idea I was thinking about her clothes. I wish more of her clothes fit me. She cares about my happiness and gladly shares things.

It seems like your wife thinks you can QUIT crossdressing. I personally know that is NOT possible. I tried to quit when I married my current wife. My late wife knew and supported me, but I didn't think/know my current wife would. She loves me for who I am and wasn't even surprised when I came out.

Have you explained why you crossdress to your wife? Does she understand that you still love her and nothing has changed (aside from your wardrobe)? Hmm... I wonder if there is anything in the house SHE loves so much that you could HIDE from her to get even. Oh, that wouldn't be nice.

It is difficult to feel sorry for someone who refuses to discuss your problem and acts as selfish as your wife. I am not sure the problem is about you wearing HER clothes. If she would just talk to you, then you would know. She simply avoids rather than confronting your problems to work through them. My mother-in-law was freaked out when I wore a wig and clothes and looked like I was my wife's sister. People have asked us and we think it is funny. Too bad your wife doesn't.

I hope you can work things out or find a better wife, because I know you won't be able to quit crossdressing. You should be happy. Your wife needs to understand that. What size do you wear? We got clothes in many sizes from 8 to 22. I wear size 24. My wife was size 8 when we got married 12 years ago.

God, this story burns me and so do some of the replies.

[Tamara Croft]

No wonder Dann doesn't post often. Such responses! It's a shame, it really is.

It's a shame is it? A shame he came here telling us what a selfish woman his WIFE is? I hope she doesn't find this forum and reads her husband calling her names.

My thought as well.Pretty harsh

Harsh? You haven't seen harsh..

She sounds very shallow and/or closed minded to me.

Ouch! What a selfish (censored)!

So it's not ok for a few to tell Dann just what we think, but it's ok for the few here to call his wife names? She's not even here to defend herself, there is always two sides to every story. Dann has stated his, and I'm well within my rights to tell him what I think. However, I do not feel it necessary for members of this forum to be calling his wife a selfish (censored), shallow and/or closed minded this is just beyond rude.

Anymore of this in this thread and I'll lock it. None of you have ANY right to come here slagging off the wife when you don't know her, never met her, nor heard her side of anything, you would do well to keep your nasty comments about her to yourself.

[Julie York]

Dann, you have to be the most selfish person I've ever known on this forum, to come out with such crap about your WIFE on here, just because she doesn't want you to wear her clothes, because she can't stand your cding... you pulling the 'oh woe is me' bullshit. I'm sorry, but that's what it is... bullshit... grow up already and buy you're own damn clothes.

Welcome to Crossdressers.com. A place where CDs can express their views, worries and concerns without fear of ridicule or ABUSE.



"Personal Attacks and Abuse against fellow members are not allowed and will result in moderation."

[karynspanties]

Dann, put yourself in your wifes position. Her husband, who is supposed to be manly, likes to be feminine and wear frilly things. Imagine how you would feel if she came home wearing mens clothes, haircut and a mustache packing a strap-on under her pants and said that this is how she is going to be and oh by the way, give me all your old clothes. You would be crushed, then pissed. My wife and I have come to a nice happy medium for cd'ing. We accomplished this with communication. She was not a happy girl when she found out. Through comprimise, everything worked out. She never thought she would like me smooth and hairless all over, until I tried it. She loves it. Lucky me....She enjoys buying me lingerie almost as much as i enjoy wearing it. Again, lucky me. And I let her know EVERYDAY, how much I love and appreciate her as a wife, mother and best friend. I think you need to get to this point with your wife. You my friend are being the selfish one.
Just my

[Tamara Croft]

"Personal Attacks and Abuse against fellow members are not allowed and will result in moderation."

And what's your point? You only quoted me and no one else in this thread, why is that? People are posting personal attacks about his wife, I assume that's ok with you is it? but because I posted what I thought of him, that's not ok? And what's with the 'touche' edit... being a bit childish now are we?