GG needs help

[PC]

Hello everyone. I just found out that my SO is a CD. I love my SO and would like to understand this part of her better. Before I begin, please forgive me if I say something in the wrong way as I am just learning the terminologies. I knew that something was different in our relationship and tried to plant seed thoughts so my SO would feel free and safe to open any discussions. She gave me little hints and signs throughtout our relationship and because we were/are talking about marrying, I needed to know the truth, but she wasn't willing to go there. Finally I sat my SO down and wanted to know answers to certain questions that needed to be discussed before we took our relationship to another level. I was not prepared to hear the words CD, but at the sametime this explained many things that I had been questioning. From a GG point of view, I must say that I wish she had come forward with this information on her own without me having to ask. What concerned me was the fact that she was going to allow us to marry without being honest. I must admit that the trust level of our relationship fell. I believe that being open and honest is very important in obtaining trust. I began to wonder what else was being kept secret from me. I am a very open-minded person and wanted to discuss everything about CD but she felt uncomfortable and nervous about sharing this part of herself, perhaps because of past rejection. I have encouraged her to feel free to express herself and reminded her how much I love her. . Here is my question: She has bought several items of apparel and I am wondering if she will feel free to express herself in front of me. If so, what is required of me, other than loving acceptance? What should and shouldn't I say? How should I respond if she wants to have sex? What I mean by that is: how do I treat my lady? She is very sensitive and I woudn't want to offend in any way. I would like your opinion as to how I should proceed. Blessings PC

[Tamara Croft]

She has bought several items of apparel and I am wondering if she will feel free to express herself in front of me. If so, what is required of me, other than loving acceptance? What should and shouldn't I say? How should I respond if she wants to have sex? What I mean by that is: how do I treat my lady? She is very sensitive and I woudn't want to offend in any way. I would like your opinion as to how I should proceed. Blessings PC

Hiya PC welcome to the forum.

I think 'required' isn't the right word here. Loving acceptance is a great term indeed and is what most CD's wish for. Just take one day at a time, I can imagine this is all a huge shock right now and you have a thousand and one questions to ask. I don't think there are any right or wrong words, say how you feel, ask questions, but nothing is right or wrong. If she wants sex dressed enfemme, you have to ask yourself if this is what you want.... not just your SO. You have to feel comfortable about it first, talk things through with her. You say she is very sensitive, most CD's are so I would take baby steps, one day at a time. You need to learn from each other, it's like starting out all over again, learning about this new person in your life. I hope this helps and feel free to ask me any more questions or you can PM me.

[º’~\_…trace GG…_/~’º]

hey pc, i agree with tamara.

it may be that your s.o. is uncomfortable with sharing something that has been a secret for so long. take things slow and be as positive and encouraging as you can be.

i think that if you talk about it and are open, then your s.o. will realise that you are not terrified and are actually quite accepting so long as there is trust and honesty.

best wishes and feel free to pm some of the gg's here for a chat (including me )

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Pc,

Welcome to our family.Many of us crossdressers find it hard to come out of the closet,the closet is safe.I was in the closet for 46 years.I have also been married for 24 years.It was only after joining this site and accepting me as I am that I was able to come out to my wife.I did that 3 months ago and she is very supportive and has accepted this side of me since that side was always present,just hidden.Like Tamara said ,take baby steps,eventually you and she will feel more open to talk;with talk comes understanding and acceptance.This is a difficult thing to talk about for some.At least you found this site which is the best place to find answeres to all of your questions.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[Julie York]

Hi. Glad you found this forum.
I would like to add that although I am now (sort of) comfortable with the fact that I have urges I don't understand (dressing up), that I would find it HUGELY embarrassing to discuss the subject with someone simply because it is so difficult to explain, even to myself.
So please don't be too worried about the reluctance on your SO part because it really is very understandable. A cross dresser has to actually play mind games with themselves for most of their lives, re-arranging sentences, trying to not give yourself away, trying not to say something or do something that will "out" you. So to be in a position where you are actually free to express these ideas, hidden so long, is probably a bit of a shock to your SO as well as yourself.
It's a bit like being given permission to shout in a Library. It takes some getting used to.

Good luck. And you can't meet a better bunch of GGs so you'll be just fine.

[DonnaT]

Welcome to the forum PC!

What is required of you? Same thing, honesty.

Be honest with how you feel when she dresses, with how she looks and what can be improved, etc.

Keep the doors open for communication. Seems a number of CD's just never learned how to communicate by being open. You might want to point out that that is generally a female characteristic she needs to learn

I must say your use of the pronoun "she" speaks volumes to me. My wife has known for 29 yrs, and yet has a problem with pronouns.

As to your husbands honesty, and I'm not excusing it at all, but many men learn, either through association with others or some other unexplainable reasons, how to hide things from women, particularly women they want to impress. Instead, they say things they think a woman wants to hear, when all the time all she wants is the truth.

There's book out directed towards men that talks about a lot of these things. How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt

How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt is the ultimate manual for modern manhood, a must-have for hapless husbands, husbands-to-be and the women who tolerate them.
This hilarious book explains everything men need to know to become the perfect husband (or at least create the illusion of perfection).

The phrase "or at least create the illusion of perfection" is a perfect example of how some men think.

See the table of contents at http://www.perfecthusband.com/phh_contents.html

Anyway, marriage is a learning experience on both sides, and I thank you, for your husband, for trying to accept this part of who he is. Now, the question is, does he accept who he is?

[Sigrid]

From a GG point of view, I must say that I wish she had come forward with this information on her own without me having to ask. What concerned me was the fact that she was going to allow us to marry without being honest. I must admit that the trust level of our relationship fell. ..... I began to wonder what else was being kept secret from me. I am a very open-minded person and wanted to discuss everything about CD but she felt uncomfortable and nervous about sharing this part of herself, perhaps because of past rejection.

A lifetime of conditioning has likely riddled her with shame and guilt, it's very common amongst many of us. This is the most intimate and secretive aspect of our lives and it can be very difficult to share it with even the ones we love most - often for fear of rejection and loss. I wouldn't necessarily assume that she's been rejected before though. You could take it as a sign that she really does not want to do anything to hurt you or worse, loose you.

One of the biggest mistakes many of us make is thinking that, as we've done most of our lives, it's just a little thing that we can keep hidden forever - just our little secret. What we fail to realize, however, is that quite often this girl thing inside us just seems to get stronger as we mature - (that's just a personal observation, btw). Unfortunately, when that happens, we fear that revealing it to our wives will only damage or end the realationship, as it too often does. We don't intend or want to be deceitful, it just turns out that way.

Lucky for you two that you are so understanding and accepting.

She has bought several items of apparel and I am wondering if she will feel free to express herself in front of me. If so, what is required of me, other than loving acceptance?

She may or may not want to express herself in front of you. When I first came out to my wife a few years ago, I told her that it was a very personal aspect of my life and wanted to keep it out of our realationship (of course I may have been just a little embarassed and shy). Just a few weeks ago, I came out to her again and let her know that I very much wanted to explore my fem side. Slowly I am showing more and more of this side to her. She still has only seen photos of me fully dressed with makeup and all.

Nothing is required really other than your love and acceptance. One way that you can easily express this is by buying her small gifts now and then (are you reading this Molly? )

What should and shouldn't I say? How should I respond if she wants to have sex? What I mean by that is: how do I treat my lady?

You both need to discuss what the boundries are, only the two of you can decide that for yourselves. If both of you are comforatable with sex while she is en femme, then great! If not, that's fine too.

When she's presenting herself as a lady, treat her like a lady and, of course, as a friend.

Just remember to take things SLOWLY.


Best wishes,

~Sigrid

[Paula A]

PC.
Welcome to the forum, You are one special person and your boy friend must have great trust and love in his heart to open up about his crossdressing with you. Most crossdressers have a fear of embarassment, rejection and our gender roll training and society keeps most of us in the closet, working hard to keep our secret. it shows to me anyway, that he wants to share everything with you and you must be very special to him for your boyfriend to open up to you.

You are most like one of a very few or the only one who know about his urges. It is difiicult to understand and I find that it is better to accept who I am as I was made than to try to understand why I do what I do. It is what set me free to be me after all of these years in the closet.

He will most likely be embaressed and feel a bit of shame and that discussing his cding will be new and a difficult thing. Take it slow, one step at a time.
the first time he dresses en-feme for you he will just as scared and nervious as you, or more so. just support him. he won't ask do I look fat, he might ask do I look stupid? or like a freak, he might be down on himself for being different. he just needs your support and love. as far as sex, that is a personal question, that is how you feel, but remember that she is the same person on the inside no matter what clothes are on the outside, but you have to be comfortable with it. Crossdressing for most of us, is or has been a very private thing, very very personal secret for most of our lives and the idea of sharing that with someone else will be difficult for him as he probably never discussed something this this private with anyone. You must be very special.

There are some good books written lately that might help you, "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd is one I reconmend to everyone.

It is not a smooth road you are looking down, there will be some bumps, but good honest comunication is the key to smoothing out the ride.

All the Best to you two,
Paula

[Tristen Cox]

Hi,
I will just throw my two cents in here. Stop me at anytime

What is required of me, other than loving acceptance?

Honesty, and not forcing her or yourself to say or do anything. As this is new to you both take things easy and 'get into it' slowly.


What should and shouldn't I say?

Whatever you do don't say anything out of character. Your relationship is based on who you both have always been. If you alter your character, She may not understand you, and even become fearful. Be yourself as she is being herself. Keep the atomosphere nuetral. This thing needs time to adjust and grow.


How should I respond if she wants to have sex? What I mean by that is: how do I treat my lady? She is very sensitive and I woudn't want to offend in any way.

Then do not change yourself to try and become what you 'might' think she wants. Act with what you know. She is still the same person regardless of the clothes. These are all extensions of that person before you.

Hope this helps you a little

[Topaz]

Hi PC,

Talk, be supportive, talk, be supportive.

Honestly being able to talk with you SO to ease her/his fears and your own is one of the most important parts of a relationship with a cd. It takes time, patience, and encouragement. It may be a long time before she will be willing to dress in front of you. She's scared.

It took my SO a couple of years to be fully dressed in front of me after she had told me. We started with her wearing nighties at night and worked up from there. She was terrified the first day she dressed in front of me. Afraid of what my reaction would be. Did she look the best? No. Did she look silly? Most definatly not. As she has been able to develop this side of herself she has learned so much. Now I find her downright ravishing when she dresses.

If the two of you are able to talk and be supportive of each other you may find in time a better person emerging from your SO. I know I did. I don't ever want Jamie to go away, she's too much a part of my life and a big part of my SO. Take it slow, allow time for both your SO and yourself to digest the conversations that you have.

Actions also speak louder than words. Find out what size she wears and buy her a few things. She may not wear them in front of you right away but it will go a long way to show that you accept, support and love her.

Again, keep the lines of communicaton open. Feel free to PM me if you would like.

Hugs,
Topaz

[carolynhcd]

Finally I sat my SO down and wanted to know answers to certain questions that needed to be discussed before we took our relationship to another level. I was not prepared to hear the words CD, but at the sametime this explained many things that I had been questioning. From a GG point of view, I must say that I wish she had come forward with this information on her own without me having to ask. What concerned me was the fact that she was going to allow us to marry without being honest. I must admit that the trust level of our relationship fell. I believe that being open and honest is very important in obtaining trust. I began to wonder what else was being kept secret from me.


I apologise for not comprehending the quote function, but I did want to quote what struck me as the most pertinent part of your post. You seem to be a very honest, open and understanding person. I am not sure that your SO shares those admirable qualities in the abundance you enjoy. I have been crossdressing since my early teens and, in my first long term relationship with a GG (about age 20), I always dressed in her clothes when she wasn't with me. I always wore her panties when she was home and during lovemaking was no exception. She seemed uncomfortable with me being fully crossdressed, so that never happened in her presence. We broke up after six years, mainly due to my infidelity and the fact that I wanted to experience so much more out of life. I moved to California and met many crazy, fun people of all proclivities. I had many girlfriends and, in my thirties, I just decided that it wasn't worthwhile to be with a GG who didn't relish being with me for who I really am, rather than some role I was adept at playing. Since that point, I have only had one girlfriend among many who didn't know that I was a CD and now I would never be with someone who couldn't love me, not in spite, but rather for that part of me. I have been with my present GF for three years and she makes me dress, even if I am disinclined, because she loves that part of me and knows that I will be happier that way (and she is always right about that). I have to question your SO's commitment to you and to herself, therefore. I should have been glad to be encouraged early on and I guarantee I would have leapt at the chance to be myself with the person I loved. So it is that I have a very hard time understanding how your SO is reticent about sharing that part of herself with you. Mind you, in the early years, crossdressing typically has a strong masturbatory component, which can be exclusive of you in your partner's sexlife. There may even be something, counterintuitively enough, misogynistic about it. People fear what they do not understand and they hate what they fear. Thus, Muslim culture, traditionally, has clitorectomised and infibulated young girls and then dressed them in bags so that their sexual power could be controlled by the men who feared it. It has occurred to me in my musings that there might be some attempt, in the subconscious of the crossdresser, to exact a revenge of a kind on women by appropriating their power and then competing with them. I am not suggesting that many do this in any conscious way. I have, however, secretly exulted in making married men have sex with me and thrilled to know that I had, however briefly, stolen a man from another woman. This is deep stuff, I'll warrant, and bound to be unpopular here or most anywhere for that matter. But I have had girlfriends of great beauty who have had no trouble telling me that they greatly enjoyed the power afforded to them by their looks and the knowledge that they could walk into a crowded room and take any man away from his wife or girlfriend with but the slightest of effort.

Tamara, I appeal to you as our most cogent GG, given your great beauty, can you honestly say that you haven't felt the slightest twinge of this power, whether you ever acted on it or not, in your life?

So I wonder why, PC, that your SO shows such reticence in sharing that side of herself to you. For all the maturity evinced by the words and thoughts you have shared here, I suspect there is an immaturity, if not in you, then in your SO that hinders a frank epiphany of the total being. Thus it is that I counsel you to be not over hasty in plans for wedlock. You must marry someone who knows themself well enough to be able to offer you the openness and honesty you so clearly value, someone comfortable enough with the entire panoply of their being that it can be frankly presented for your judgement. Most girls here will avow that crossdressing does not go away, albeit sabbaticals are not infrequent. This person will be crossdressing for the rest of their life and you must find a way to make that, not merely tolerable, but wildly erotic if your relationship and possible marriage is to succeed.

[Julie]

PC,

There are some constants that seem to crop up in the typical GG/CD relationship for the GG, none of which I have ever found to be true.

I have heard GGs say they think their CD SO is better looking than them. I counter that with "God made man, took a hard look and said 'I can do better' and then made woman." I doubt there's a CD, TG, TS in a relationship with a GG who doesn't feel that's true.

Another thing I hear is the dressing up must be because "he thinks I am inadequate". Dressing and you have nothing to do with one another. You could be his perfect, ideal woman and he would still need to dress. It's hard to explain so I just hope you'll trust I'm telling the truth.

If you are secure enough with yourself that you don't feel threatened he will sense it and should open up. One thing I can almost guarantee is he doesn't want to hurt you in any way and that's one of the reasons for the secrecy. Another is fear of losing you. We all fear humiliation but we also fear we might lose the ones we love if we come out. I may have lost my 19 year old son, my own flesh and blood, and I can't tell you how painful that's been. So our fears are founded in fact.

Another common fear is we know we don't make very good looking women. That masculinity just cannot be completely hidden. I have felt countless times I look ridiculous dressed but when I just let it happen it's almost as if I can fool myself enough and enjoy the time dressed. It's kind of theraputic and it is definitely a necessity if you want to keep sane! Again, hard to explain why but it's true.

You seem like an understanding lady and seem secure in yourself that this whole thing will all work out fine. I'm sure he's very insecure about this at the moment but as long as you give him no reasons to feel insecure he should come around. Good luck.

[tgirlkari]

Hi PC
I think the loving acceptance is a very good thing, as Tamara said nothing is required of you try not to feel there is. If she (your so) has had a negative experience in a past relationship this may tend to make her a little more inhibited to be more open with someone new. I totaly understand where you feel she was not being totaly honest with you by not telling you upfront about the girl within but maybe she loves you so much the thought of losing you was to scary and clouded her good judgment and trust in you, she probobly is finding it hard to trust anyone.perhaps you could try wearing simular items that she has with her maybe ask to do her nails or make-up.
Give her advise or constructive critisism as she was just any other one of your GG friends. Do you know her fem name? If so try to use it and see how she reacts but do it more than just once without making her feel pressured just relaxed and comfortable.
As for sex only you can deal with that your comfort level is important here too. One big thing is when you try to bring it up the discussion that is about CD make it girl talk not like you are trying to drill her not that you are what I'm saying here is make it small talk like she is your girl friend. She has to understand your position too and respect any limits you have, hurrdles are just obsticles to overcome not stop or
inhibit. She loves you and you love her thats whats important start there and it only gets better.

[Katiegirl]

Hi PC

What you must remember is that the Transgender community is treated very badly by western society, fear of being found out is built into CD from the very start. To be open to a woman is very difficult, I did to my ex, and she took it badly, outed me with my friends,then divorced me. I have never discussed the subject again with another woman except on forums like this or at TG Meetings.

Your SO has no doubt heard many stories like this and no doubt is shit scared it will happen to him especially when you see her dressed. Remember this when you talk to him and give him space and time to it in his way.

If you wonder why we do it after 40years I still have no idea, all I know I must.

The other thing you must understand the bulk of CDs are hetrosexual

[PC]

I must apologize for my late reply, my SO and I were on vacation. A most sincere thank you to all that replied to my post. Your wonderful words of wisdom and guidance have helped immensely.

Before we left for vacation I was allowed to see a few things that she was bringing with her, [I was so pleased that she felt comfortable enough to share]. Everything was lovely. She also had bought me some nice underware, stockings, etc. I then surprised her with two wigs [one blonde, one medium brown], two silky long lounging gowns and new panties. [ She was so excited and I was delighted that she was so happy.]
On the first night of vacation, she went to bed first [while I was taking off my makeup], and when I entered the room, there she was wearing the blonde wig, and a lovely pink see-through babydoll with matching thong. I can not tell you how pleased I was knowing that she felt comfortable, loved and accepted. Knowing that she does not feel that she is pretty, I told her that she looked lovely, and I treated her as the lady that she is. I am very secure within myself and there was no problem having sex while she was enfemme. . She was shy and scared at first about what my reaction would be, but my lady knows that I love her dearly. I thnaked her for sharing this very private part of herself with me.
I must say that she is still uncomfortable with discussing CD in general and especially pertaining to herself. In time perhaps she will feel more comfortable. I do know her female name and have called her by this name, but she is not comfortable and prefers that I do not do this. It is all about her and making her feel comfortable. This is all new to her, sharing this with another person especially a GG and her SO. She does not understand why she likes to CD and is embarrassed. I let her know there are others like herself who do not understand why they like to CD. This has brought her comfort.

On our return trip home, she felt comfortable enough to wear her white fishnet stockings under her jeans with her usual female thong. [This was a first for her] allowing the stockings to show when she crossed her legs. After arriving home yesterday, we shopped on the internet for new wigs. Because of the shape of her face, I suggested that perhaps a longer wavy style would be more becomming, which she agreed.

I am following her lead. We need to discuss the options that she may want to follow in the future, and set some rules that we both can agree on. We will take the relationship slow, as we continue to learn and grow. Communication is the key.

She is aware that I visit this forum and is comfortable with my willingness to learn about CDing and this speaical part of her. I am attending a weekend for SS this month to futher my understanding.

Again, my most sincere thank you for your guidance and sharing your personal thoughts and feelings with me, they were/are, greatly appreciated. Blessings PC

[Fiona K]

PC,
Im glad that so far all has been going so well for you both, you need to walk this path in parallel, each taking heed of the other's needs and pace. If you do this and rmember there are cyber-shoulders here for you both if things get rocky then I'm sure you'll be fine.
Fiona
xx

[Stephenie]

It's great to hear of two people you care about each other enough to trust and accept one another so much. enjoy each other.

[Donna-GG]

Hi PC,

Sorry I didn't reply earlier, but I'm still learning the PC. But, I'm glad to hear that you two have opened up so much to each other. All I can really add to all the other great advice that you have already received, is do what I did with Teddie when she first told me, and that is to listen to what she is telling you. And, hope that she listens to what you have to say. Teddie did, and we have a great relationship.

[Tristen Cox]

You're a blessing to your partner. There should be many women like you in our world. It would be such a better place if there were.

[Holly]

PC,

I'm sorry I didn't get into this thread earlier but the others here did a great job and so did YOU and your SO. For what it's worth, my SO and I have been married nearly 37 years. She knew fairly early on that that I liked to dress up as a girl but it hasn't been until the more recent years that we both have come to the unmistakable conclusion that I am a CDer. I am lucky in that my wife is very similar to you in that she is quite understanding and has gone to great lengths to accomodate my needs. Of course, I try hard to be responsive to her needs as well. This is becoming easier for me as I learn more and more about myself and encourage the more "feminine" characteristics.

I think the two of you are going to be just fine. The level of love and care you are showing to one another exemplifies all that is good in a relationship. Keep it up!

[PC]

A most sincere thank you for the new posts and wonderful words of encouragement. You are all a blessing and comfort in my life. It is so gracious of you to share so openly with me. I know you will be here for me to gently guide me through this new experience and journey that my So and I are on.
Blessings PC

[StephanieCD]

PC...

You must really love your SO to come here - and refer to "him" as "her" - that shows a lot about you.

The others here have given you tons of great advice... I might add...

Look inside yourself and see if there's anything in this gender bending deal that might HONESTLY interest you. The hardest part is going to be breaking the ice - my SO and I spent 3 months trying to beat around the bush enough to actually "do something". If you can find something that YOU think might be fun or exciting - mention it. Simple little things will do... offer to paint his toe nails if he does yours. Give each other beauty treatments while you watch a movie that YOU pick out Find a way you can enjoy it - don't worry about what's "expected" - if he knows what good for him he'll expect very little of you and be grateful for the little things... the scarier, intimidating stuff (he's just as nervous as you) can come later. Baby steps and neither one of you has to get freaked out

[GypsyKaren]

You've got to understand that her letting you in on her secret took a tremendous amount of trust and faith in you to do.We are constantly on guard to protect it at all cost,it's something we're conditioned to do.There are probably a thousand times she wanted to tell you about her dressing but couldn't.It's like we have built-in safeties to prevent us from opening up this door to our lives,and it's very rare for someone to be let in. What should you do? Keep on loving her because she's the same person who fell in love with you.Please be patient because you both need time to adjust,so take it one day at a time.Don't try to stop her from dressing because you probably can't.While we all have our own reasons for doing it,for most of us it's not a matter of choice.It's as much of our lives as being right or left handed, it's just the way we are. I've been dressing for over 40 years,and I can't begin to tell you how many times I've tried to stop,but I can't and never will because it's an important part of my life that means to much to me.I recently came out to my wife of 11 years and told her everything because I couldn't bear the pressure of living a secret life any longer,and I love her to much to have kept doing things behind her back. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done in my life because I gave up the safety and protection I had grown accustomed to all of my life,and I can't begin to describe the sense of relief that I,and I'm sure your partner,now feel. And like I said, we're just taking it one day at a time,and it's going well. We both love each other very much and need to keep the life long commitment we made to each other.So hold on to her hand and don't let go,and let your love for each other guide your way.And remember you have friends here any time you need us.
GypsyKaren