I don't know if I should post this in the female to male forum instead, but I thought more people would see it here, and it's not something that has anything to do with what gender you are, or what gender you want to be.

Sometimes (like today) I get "attacked" by this awful, heavy feeling of being extremely lonely. And what makes it feel even worse is the thought that I may have to accept that there's nothing I can do about it. I know that "being the way I am" is very much to blame for that. People keep telling me "if you would just try to be/act/look more feminine"... but I can't! I can dress up and do my best to act, but how does that help me? Then maybe someone who's stupid enough to believe in my bad acting may like me for someone I'm not. That's not what I want. And yes, I HAVE tried acting, it doesn't work! Yes, I know that there could be other reasons why I'm lonely too... but honestly, ok I'm not exactly the skinniest person on the planet, but I've known other large people who were in relationships. I shower every day, so it can't be because I smell. I'm not that terrible looking, and I do my best with what I have. I do my best to be the nicest person I can be. At least my chances should be the same as everyone else's... except there's just that "one thing" about me that makes guys run away screaming. At least most of them were nice enough to let me know why And it frustrates me sooo much. I think the reason it bothers me so much more than anything, is that I'm such a "family person" - but my own family was always very chaotic, and now, most of it is gone. And I don't have any friends to help me think of other things, they all have their own lives now with husbands, wifes and kids. I get a postcard sometimes if I'm lucky. It's like they're living in another dimension now, and I'm the loser who got left behind. This time I think this feeling came to me because I realized how close I am now to being 28. No, that probably doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you've been single all your life. And because of my background, I do have that very strong need to "start my own thing". I never thought I would say this, but I even miss all the fighting and screaming from my childhood and teenage years. At least there were someone there to scream at! It was certainly better than having no one but yourself to talk to, or better than spending the holidays alone. I know some people are happy even if they stay single all their lives, but that's because they have something else to be happy about. I don't. I could care less if I get to do what I want when I want to do it - it gets boring when you've done it every single day for an eternity. And I'm just not someone who likes to be alone all the time. And what's driving me crazy is that feeling I have that it's never going to be any different. Something I believe more and more with every year I've spend being "invisible". I've been given no reason to believe anything else. And right now it's making me sick how I'm feeling sorry for myself But this is how I feel, and I rarely talk about it - I was just thinking that some of you could be or could have been in a similar situation, and that maybe someone had some advice about what you do to not let that feeling of loneliness drive you completely crazy. I'm not looking for a miracle sollution, just some good advice, if anyone has any to give. This is really the one thing that makes me hate being me more than anything