Feeling so lonely I'm almost suicidal (long post, sorry!)

[Gozer]

I don't know if I should post this in the female to male forum instead, but I thought more people would see it here, and it's not something that has anything to do with what gender you are, or what gender you want to be.

Sometimes (like today) I get "attacked" by this awful, heavy feeling of being extremely lonely. And what makes it feel even worse is the thought that I may have to accept that there's nothing I can do about it. I know that "being the way I am" is very much to blame for that. People keep telling me "if you would just try to be/act/look more feminine"... but I can't! I can dress up and do my best to act, but how does that help me? Then maybe someone who's stupid enough to believe in my bad acting may like me for someone I'm not. That's not what I want. And yes, I HAVE tried acting, it doesn't work! Yes, I know that there could be other reasons why I'm lonely too... but honestly, ok I'm not exactly the skinniest person on the planet, but I've known other large people who were in relationships. I shower every day, so it can't be because I smell. I'm not that terrible looking, and I do my best with what I have. I do my best to be the nicest person I can be. At least my chances should be the same as everyone else's... except there's just that "one thing" about me that makes guys run away screaming. At least most of them were nice enough to let me know why And it frustrates me sooo much. I think the reason it bothers me so much more than anything, is that I'm such a "family person" - but my own family was always very chaotic, and now, most of it is gone. And I don't have any friends to help me think of other things, they all have their own lives now with husbands, wifes and kids. I get a postcard sometimes if I'm lucky. It's like they're living in another dimension now, and I'm the loser who got left behind. This time I think this feeling came to me because I realized how close I am now to being 28. No, that probably doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you've been single all your life. And because of my background, I do have that very strong need to "start my own thing". I never thought I would say this, but I even miss all the fighting and screaming from my childhood and teenage years. At least there were someone there to scream at! It was certainly better than having no one but yourself to talk to, or better than spending the holidays alone. I know some people are happy even if they stay single all their lives, but that's because they have something else to be happy about. I don't. I could care less if I get to do what I want when I want to do it - it gets boring when you've done it every single day for an eternity. And I'm just not someone who likes to be alone all the time. And what's driving me crazy is that feeling I have that it's never going to be any different. Something I believe more and more with every year I've spend being "invisible". I've been given no reason to believe anything else. And right now it's making me sick how I'm feeling sorry for myself But this is how I feel, and I rarely talk about it - I was just thinking that some of you could be or could have been in a similar situation, and that maybe someone had some advice about what you do to not let that feeling of loneliness drive you completely crazy. I'm not looking for a miracle sollution, just some good advice, if anyone has any to give. This is really the one thing that makes me hate being me more than anything

[DanaJ]

For what it is worth, here is my advice....

Get out and do something
Find a new hobby
Volunteer for something community oriented
Get a bicycle and join a bike club
Learn a sport like tennis, join an amateur league
Read to shut-ins
Be a Big Brother (or Sister)

I guess what I am trying to say here, is to keep busy. Go out and make contacts. I know it is hard, but if you do some of the above I mentioned, you will meet people, and perhaps make new friends...

Well..... there you have it - good luck!

DanaJ

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Gozer,

Take a sheet of paper and on the left side write Good points on the right write Bad points.Be honest,start listing what you see as good and bad points.When you are done look at the bad points and see what you can change or are willing to work at changing. The good points,everyone has some,are things that you can be proud of.Things that should make you feel less of a looser;you are not a looser!
I also think you may wish to talk to a therapist or doctor who can write prescriptions for anti-depressants.Be open with them,you can trust that they have heard it all before.You are not alone!Feel free to PM me anytime you want to talk.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[DonnaT]

I agree with Dana. Get out and meet new people. Be yourself when out, too. Don't try to act like your think others want you to act, a lot of people can see right through the act, and your not making yourself feel any better by lieing to yourself. You need to totally accept who you are, and show it. Be confident.

[Katiegirl]

Hi Gozer,

I think I understand your situation, though I'm older than you and been married with kids. After my divorce I stayed with my parents for a number of years caring for them as they slowly succumed to dementia. During this time I felt very lonely, my brothers kept well away most of the time and my kids were growing up so they came only now and then. The thing that kept me going was work, and getting involved with a singles club. In both cases I meet and talked to other people, which eased the emptiness that I felt and enabled me to make new friends.

I don't know what will help you most, but can I suggest as DanaJ says you try and join or do something that enables you to meet other people on a regular basis, meeting people and making friends is the best way I beleive to ease that lonely feeling. It is not an easy thing meeting new people and it takes time.

I hope you find something to ease your situation.



Mind of a Woman, Body of a Man, Life is a Bitch

[Lady Jayne]

Gozer I'm sorry to hear your feeling so low,I just wish I could climb through the computer and give you a big hug! I feel your loneliness I have been single now for quite some time and I too sometimes slip into despaire, the stupid thing is I know what I should be doing but it's just so difficult to get motivated. one thing to remember is your not alone you'll never be alone infact you probably have more friends than anyone you know right here on this forum. I know thats not much consilation when your sat in your house/apartment on a saturday night with nowhere to go but we are here for you!
I'm probably not the best person to offer advice but I made a list of things I should be doing which I'd like to share with you;

Don't go looking for love, look for friendship and love will happen
Never turn down an invitation, people will stop asking
Go to new places meet new people
Phone someone you haven't spoken to for a while they will be glad to hear from you
Talk to someone you dont know every day how many are rude?
Smile people like happy people and it really does cheer you up
[SIZE=4]No1[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Make yourself go out New friends aren't going to come knocking on yoour door[/SIZE]
I know this makes me sound really sad and pathetic and Some of these I came up with to help me fight my shyness but I'm sure some will work for you
Hope it helps now I've embaressed myself!!!!
Love Jayne

[Cissy Suzie]

Wow you ask a bunch of crossdressing males for help with depression and loneliness? I bet you are about to get loved and mothered to death!

First ... You are not alone! At least you have this forum full of people who will listen to you and will stand with you and try to offer help.

Second ... find a way to get involved in something.

Your profile doesn't say where you live, but most cities have programs you can volunteer to help people.

For instance, imagine yourself driving meals to shutins, people with aids, people who are too old to help themselves, who ever.

You would find yourself not only busy, but also you could help people who are probably far more alone than you. And you would have people who would really appreciate you, respect you, even love you, just for yourself, and you would find you loving yourself and who you are more as well. I know it sounds corny, but giving what you have to offer will bring you back far more than you gave in the long run.

I have known that loneliness, it hurts, I will be thinking good thoughts for you and wishing you the best.

[TaylorAB]

Hi Gozer:

First of all let me commend you for reaching out to us. That in itself, whether you know it or not is a big step. Expressing what you feel helps get those emotions out of you. I agree with what has been said by my fellow sisters. Look for things that will help you get outside of yourself. Investigate what groups might be available in your area. Sometimes there are twelve step groups are other support groups were you can go to be with others that feel the way you do. This could be an excellent way to start new friendships. I have gone to support groups and twelve steps groups that have helped me. The best thing about them is that they aren't judgemental. You go as you are and you are accepted for who you are. Above all else, remember that you are worthy to be loved even if you don't feel that way.

[Amelie]

First, I am not saying there is anything wrong with the other people's responces here. From what I read, I think you are already going out, you are already involved with things. I think that the problem is not that you need to get out more or join some groups. I think the problem is that you are having trouble finding someone who understands what you are, who can love you, or be your friend despite what you are on the inside. I can only respond this way, many people in history have had miserable lives, especially immigrants who arrive to the US. Like these immigrants who moved here for a better life, maybe you should move to a place that has people who are more understanding to your needs. Granted, I don't know where you live, but most here are from suburbia, so I assume that you are also.
I know exactly what you mean about being so alone, I would go to a crowded disco, yet sometimes I would feel so alone. Yes, I had people who were understanding, but it was hard to find someone who cared about me, cared about my feelings. While it is nice to have friends, it's not the same as wanting to be loved by someone.
This is a very sad situation you are in, loneliness is damaging to the soul. All I can say is make a list on what kind of SO you are looking for. Then do some research and find out where this type of person will most likely be. You might have to go where this person is, they might not be in your neighborhood.
Reply back to your thread so we can give further advise.


In life, to be different, is to be alone.

[Wendy me]

yes going out and doing things is a good thing ...abought finding some one stop trying and just have some fun just being you.....the harder you look for some one the harder it is for you to find them.....or them to find you.....

[Julie York]

Go out and get completely drunk. Then take lots of drugs. And steal a bus.



What?


What did I say?

What?

Stop staring at me.





(Oh and listen to Barry Manilow. If that doesn't finish you off nothing will.)

[AussieRhonda]

Go out and get completely drunk. Then take lots of drugs. And steal a bus.



What?


What did I say?

What?

Stop staring at me.





(Oh and listen to Barry Manilow. If that doesn't finish you off nothing will.)

I`m with you baby.. Sounds like serious fun
Rhonda

P.S
Can I drive the bus, there are a few people who really p"""s me off and I would like to show them how I would respond to the 4wd phase.!!!

[michelle-jean]

hi michellejean ,,,here:i am 62 years young.so i have been around alot longer than you.i have been down some of the same roads that you are talking about.and learnd along time ago.(this might sound hard but some times things are hard in life) so the frist thing i think you need is to be honest with your self and be your self .you don,t need to or have to put on a front for anybody.as long as you are not breaking any laws then you are ok.like someone said look at your self by putting down on paper the good things and not so good things about you.and just from what i have read about you ,,,i will bet you have alot more good things (ALOT MORE) than bad.and then say to your self,,,,I AM SOMEBODY AND I AM A GOOD SOMEBODY.and go out and do the things that make you happy and you will find that you are more times than not makeing others happy.and then the friends will come.but it all starts with you and being honest with your self you can do this.and we all are here for you.so get happy and stay happy.for what it is worth you do have us.,,,,,and we all are worth it,,,,,because we are somebody too.michellejean(mrs.highheels)

[Elysia]

I agree with Donna and Dana. Don't bother acting. Be yourself and get out there. You're only going to find someone who will love you for who you are if you are out and about being who you are.

I agree with Dana. Get out and meet new people. Be yourself when out, too. Don't try to act like your think others want you to act, a lot of people can see right through the act, and your not making yourself feel any better by lieing to yourself. You need to totally accept who you are, and show it. Be confident.

[biddy]

Gozer,
You are making the noises that I was making at your age, with that in mind lets see.
Dana's advice was given to me at your age, I didn't listen ?
Priscilla's advice was given, I didn't listen? although there is more to that process then Priscilla has currently explained.
Donna"s advice, about self idenity given, I didn't listen ?
Rohnda's advice not given, so I couldn't listen, went and did simular and went to jail. ( but then we are excused we've been redused to a budget of bread-dripping and vegemite, with a fortnightly pkt of sausages that we buy via lay-by at Woolies, were Aussies you see.) OPPs
All the things that all these ladys are saying her have been given to me, I didn't listen ?
MY RESULTS: "ABSOLUTLY ALONE" "STILL MISSERABLE" "MORE FRIGHTENED TO TRY".
The longer you allow this to go on with your-self the harder and more impossible to get out of it- it will seem to become.
"NOT NECESSARLY SO"
So what for us to do?
I've had enough 53yrs alone is sentance enough for me, to start with I'm out GETTING a job this week, how about you? What are you going to begin to change for you? Come on "YOU & ME" lets go?
Well show this mob how it's done? Well become "MATES" help one-another out of this space, you'll see this mob will be sending us FLOWERS out of admiration.
What do you reckon "A"? What have got we to loose?
Biddy

[Phoebe Diana]

To refine what some other people are saying, don't just go out and do things to be with people. Make sure you go out and do things that you truly enjoy doing. Every week. Even if it takes too much energy, or you missed going one week, and you feel terrible anxiety about going back. (Which was always my problem.)

If you do things the things that make you happy, you will be a happier and more confident person. More than looks or brains or anything else, people are attracted to confidence. So you will probably be less lonely, too.

And anti-depressants are wonderful things. I resisted for years and years, and then finally started taking some a year ago. They don't fix any of your problems, but you suddenly get the energy and desire to fix them yourself. Which makes all the difference in the world.

Take care of yourself. You're worth it.

Phoebe

[Tristen Cox]

I can only say that I feel very much of what you're going through. There was only a short span in my life for a little over a year where things seemed like I was happy. That's really the only time things were ever like that. The rest has been alone. That 'happy time' was long ago, longer than I care to think about now. I've done what everyone's advised me to do and things never got anywhere. I felt like a ghost, or worse, as if there was a sign over my head that said treat me like shit because I'm not worth being treated like a human being. Well that went on for years until I got to that point like you have gotten to thinking I was going to go crazy if something didn't happen soon.

Being that my one true drive is love, I thought there was no way I could survive without it. And worse, wondered(as I still do) if that would ever be a real part in my life. I went numb. And honestly it was for the better, yet I have died to the self I used to be. Where I used to turn loneliness into anger that went numb as well. But in my screwed up philosophy it was better to not feel if all there was is pain. I can't really advise you here, but I didn't want you to feel like you were alone in your situation. Although I'm sure we are different in many ways. Sometimes just sounding it out to someone helps ease things. I do care, no one will ever take that from me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and allowing me to share mine. Here's a *hug* from one of your friends

[Chrissycd]

my strongest piece of advice, if you have insurance, is to seek a gender therapist. They know us and they know how to help. Sometimes, we mostly need to simply feel that there is someone who we can talk to who will understand us even if they don't feed us every answer to the puzzle of life. I also have found solace in writing and doing yoga. I don't do either of them on a schedule. I just turn to them when I most need the comfort they provide my spirit. Another suggestion I have is to get a dog. I don't know where I'd be without my dog (and cat). They will always be there and they will always be happy to see you. That's more than can be said for most people...
I don't really believe that getting out and throwing yourself out in the social world are necessarily good pieces of advice. If you're like me, going out when you're depressed only makes you more depressed b/c you can't relate to anyone at all and all it does is make you feel even more isolated.
Odd as it may seem, many of the things I've suggested only required you. I've found that deep down I know that my bouts w/ depression stem more from my inability to accept who I am and the gifts I bring to the world. Other people can sing and dance around you all they want, but that won't solve your problem. Instead, I've always turned inward and tried to grow to a deeper understanding of who I am. That has given me the gift of solitude, and there, I've found peace with myself.
I read books to comfort myself. I listen to music. I come here. I have also only recently joined a tg/ts/cd group in Minneapolis and that has helped alot. If you can IM friends who are in the same boat, it helps you to see that you are not so alone, not so rare, and that your absence would truly be a loss to all of us.
Love and hugs,
Chrissy

[little burney]

Hi Gozer - just read your post. Remember there are lots of people feeling the same thing, but the worst thing of all is to keep it locked inside so it feeds itself & grows - but just by writing you've made the first move to make things better. You've also helped those of us who have the same problem. Following logically from this, I would suggest that you extend your openness into your social life - don't just reserve this frankness for us anonymous friends, but allow yourself to speak more openly with the people you know and the people you meet, even those with whom you might contemplate a relationship. You may think this sounds like social suicide, but what happens if you keep your soul locked up? You talk about trivia, about things you don't want to talk about, anything in short to disguise your real feelings, which you are ashamed of. But don't be! Most people have been there, and many do not find it distasteful or boring or frightening to talk about it. Also, you will very quickly find you are thus able to distinguish the shallow ones from the sensitive ones - you will find that your ability to unlock will connect you with other people - at least, the ones worth connecting with. You sound like an interesting and sensitive person. So, first rule - BE what you are, don't try to be something else, something less, and with luck you will connect with someone of similar qualities. Unlock, be cool, & good luck.

[Julie]

Gozer,

If I gave a short summary of my life it would go like this: Grew up trying to be the man I thought everyone wanted me to be. Got married at 30. Had two kids. Got really depressed trying to be the man I thought everyone wanted me to be. Started dressing again and going out dressed. Met some wonderful people who were cool about me being me. Got divorced at 54. Found out how unhappy I had been all my life. Glad I realized that before I died. Am looking forward to a wonderful life now.

What I'm getting at is when you live your life for everyone else it's hard to find real happiness. You say you are nice, well groomed but not the skinniest person in the world. I see a person who is apologizing for being yourself. You owe no one an apology for being yourself. Don't try to please others just so they will like you. You have to like you first and I think your post says you may not.

I was talking to a very heavy girl a couple of weeks ago. We had talked before and I remembered her sparkling eyes is what drew me to her. She's a total sweetheart but she beats up on herself all the time. To tell you the truth I never see an overweight person when we talk. I like her for the person she is but she's down on herself for being heavy and for other things as well. I told her a philosophy I use that helps me through the tough times (when I have a clear enough head to remember it).

I read a book by a medium who said we all choose to come here and take on a physical form. Before we come we write what she calls our life's blueprint. It's basically all the tasks and challenges we set up for ourselves that will teach us the life lessons we need to learn. It's kind of like going to school and picking your courses. But the important thing to remember is we chose our life and all that goes with it and we did it to teach us somethng. So when things get rough we have to first remember we did this to ourselves. Next we have to try to figure out what we will learn from this challenge we gave ourselves. Then we have to figure out how we will handle it.

Now I can't tell you if the medium is right or wrong, that really doesn't matter. What matters is I choose to believe it because it helps me cope when things go bad. It also puts the control of my life back in my hands rather than blaming fate or bad luck. It's my choice to believe this and I like the results when I do.

When I told her this she said she liked it. The following day she was going to get together with a daughter her husband kidnapped over twenty years ago. She already knew her ex had filled her kid's heads with negative things about their birth mother and she couldn't erase twenty years in one meeting. So she said she was going to be thinking of what Julie said when they reunited and believed it would make any pain more tolerable and enable her to handle the reunion better. It's her choice and she liked having a choice.

If this doesn't work for you, look for something that does. Put the control of your life back in your hands. Stop apologizing for being you. God made you and God don't make junk. Everything God makes is perfect and that means you are too. So hold your head high. Be proud of who you are and the rest will fall into place. I know you'll do well.

[Gozer]

Wow, thanks for all the replies! It actually makes me feel a little better that at least someone heard what I had to say. After my post, I went to bed and have more or less stayed there until now.

I know nothing is going to change unless you try to do something about your problems yourself, sometimes I just feel like I've tried everything. I've also tried therapy, unfortunately I haven't been able to pay for it myself, so I had to try the only free offer I could find. I was told a few days ago that I don't need to go there Their advice to me about my depression was to learn to live with it... that didn't help me much!

I've always been a big nerd. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a nerd, but nerds are usually lonely. I didn't have friends as a kid or teenager either. I wasn't into the same things as the other kids, and felt like I was trapped in the wrong place at the wrong time. I thought that would change as I got older, but the sad truth is that nothing has changed. I'm not the type who enjoy going to discos or bars, I've tried, but I didn't have any fun, and I was just sitting in a corner anyway. There was almost always a group of idiots somewhere who had to make fun of me for being overweight, or for not being dressed the right way, and even though I did my best to pretend I didn't care (or hadn't heard it), it made me feel like hiding behind something.

When I'm in a group of people, especially if it's people around my own age, it's not that everyone dislikes me, but I'm just the last person they're going to talk to. I try to start conversations too, of course, but talking about the weather gets boring. I think I have lots of things to talk about, and I try to keep an open mind to what other people have to say, but it always ends up as that kind of conversations you have when you have nothing better to do with your time. People in general see me as a little "freaky", and even though most of them don't have a problem with that, I'm not the kind of person they would want to be friends with either.

I've always loved all kinds of art, and have tried to use that interest, especially in music, as a way of attracting people, but I'm not nearly "commercial" or modern enough to do that. I think a big part of my problem is that most of the people I would really be able to relate to are probably sitting at home alone somewhere too. What I've been doing ever since I was a kid is to use that interest in music, movies and books to entertain myself, but it just isn't enough anymore. My mother said something to me a while ago that I think is probably very true - my father and her raised me to think for myself, instead of doing what everybody else is doing. That's how I turned into the "nerd" that I am today. One of the few things about myself that I am a little proud of is just that, that I can use my own brain, but as my mother said, that's probably also exactly what has turned me into a very lonely person. It would have been so much easier being "just like everybody else".

[Sindy]

Gozer, reading your posts make me feel as if I wrote them myself. I also have days when I feel completly alone and they are pretty much for the same reasons that you do. I have good days and I have bad days. I don't take any medication to help me through it and I do not go to therapy. I just force myself to distract myself with things that I enjoy. Being "a nerd" myself, I jump on to computer gaming, read comics or some sci-fi books or watch some tv. Sure these are only temporary solutions to the problems that I have, but it does pre occupy the thoughts of lonliness. I also agree that you should go out and meet people, I am very fortunate that my friends are also considerd "nerds" and there is much to talk about. I am almost 35 years old now and I did not get with this group of friends until about 7 years ago. Finding great friends does take time and even though I do have these friends I still get a bit depressed when I think about what their reactions would be if they knew about my crossdressing. But back to you, this about you not me, My advice is don't let things get you down, you may think that you are alone, but you would be surprised on how many people out there are just like you, lonely, scared and depressed. When you find yourself in that sad place, try to think of the things that you enjoy and go out and do those things. I wish there was more advice I could give and I hope I helped a bit.

[Chrissycd]

And I don't mean that in a good way, hon. Stay true to you. You've got friends here, and it's simply b/c you are open, honest and true to yourself. Stay the course.
BYW, your therapist was an idiot.
I'd suggest you try to find a new one if you can afford it.
Hugs,
Chrissy

[Katie Ashe]

Gozer, I hear everyone telling you to get out more... I don't like going out, maybe you don't either. It's not so much as finding new friend or a new job... but: What is going to make you happy? Think about it, what is making you sad , when you come to be honest about it than you can change those things . What made me happy was dressing infront of my wife, took me 14 years to tell her, now I'm not mentally killing myself every day anymore. I took up guns/weapons as a hobby to kill spare time I had. My point is stop tring so hard and let things flow, If you want to be the girl, be the girl, If you want to be the guy, be the guy... when acting you tend to lose yourself regardless what others see of you. I hope this advice is not to offensive. I don't want to ramble... Hope some of this makes sense

Hugs, Katie

[Gozer]

I've had some problems with my computer - that's really depressing! - so don't worry I didn't do anything stupid. I want to thank you all for the support, I was so desperate for someone to listen to me when I started this thread, and that you did listen made me feel a little less lonely - so, thanks a lot! I still don't feel that great, but I'm still fighting. When I think about it, I think one of my problems could probaby be that I'm extremely shy. I don't know if shy is really the right word - it's more like a strong fear of being rejected. I expect to be. So, even when I'm around people, I'm very quiet and don't really want to be noticed, at the same time as I do want to be noticed - I don't know if that made any sense And sometimes I wonder if it makes it seem like I'm the one who don't want to talk to anyone. The more I like someone, the more I fear being rejected. And if it's a guy that I like, I'll do anything I can to avoid him, to protect myself from finding out what I think I already know that he thinks about me. I'm only trying to protect myself from being hurt, but I'm sure it gets in the way of the things I want to do. It's just so hard not to be like that!