I'm in my mid-40's now and came to terms with my CDing about 10-15 years ago. The Internet was instrumental in realizing I was not alone and the resources out there helped to get my analytical little mind around all this. I also found a therapist that specialized in gender issues and that was hugely beneficial.
I'm also single, so have the luxury of gaining this understanding before getting married. I fully realize how hard it must be to be in the other situation... To finally understand and accept this part of yourself and then be faced with the specter of if and when you should break the news to your wife.
So, over the last decade or so I decided to be relatively open in my relationships, as I'm an open person in general and always felt like it was the right thing to do. Always felt a bit hypocritical talking at great depth and connecting emotionally while holding such a big thing back, especially since CDing is very much intertwined in my sexuality.
But guess what? That hasn't worked out very well at all. I usually have 'the conversation' when we start get get sexually intimate because it seems that is the time when my SO has the right to know. I know I'd feel that way if the situation was reversed.
The problem with telling someone before there is real commitment is that it's very easy for them to throw their hands up in the air, chat with a couple of friends (who all tell them to run away as fast as they can) and then proceed to do just that. After all, they really aren't totally committed and so why get in further with someone with such an unusual situation?
And what's interesting is that I always come at this from a very positive perspective. I've always thought that if you disclose something with your head down and from a place of shame, that it will be received as the same. So, even though I've been honest and forth-right and not all embarrassed, for the most part I get dumped over this issue.
I've never had anyone just stand up and declare it's over, but most my girlfriends have thought about it, talked with others and then decided they just weren't up for all this.
A couple then remained friends and even enjoyed my dressing from that perspective. They just don't want to be romantically involved with a crossdresser. At least, if they know this early on.
But it occurred to me that this is all too easy... That because there is no long-term commitment they can just move on to the next person and take their chances.
I know philosophically that I want to be open and honest but I also know that if I waited until after I was married that we'd be almost forced to work through this.
Of course, things could still end badly but at least we'd both be much more motivated to fight for our relationship.
I assure you this line of thinking is totally against how I usually see things and I always feel like honesty is the best policy. But how long do I stick to my sooner-rather-than-later approach when it continues to cause the end of my relationships?
Just thinking out loud here and would appreciate feedback.
Jen