Conversation With My Wife Tonight

[Stephanie]

I had quite a night this evening with my wife and needed to talk about it. I came out to my wife about my crossdressing about a month ago (although she stated then that I had told her about it a long time ago when we were just friends) and after assuring her that I was a.)Not interested in ever having a sex-change operation and b.)Not looking to have a same-sex relationship (not that that really has anything to do with crossdressing) she seemed o.k. about it. She told me that she really does not have a problem with me crossdressing but that she is just mostly concerned about other people, especially our kids, finding out about it. I promised to be discreet about it and that was that...or so I thought. Tonight, she inadvertently found out about me having purchased a wig recently and it sent her into a tailspin because she felt like I was hiding things from her and my hiding the fact that I purchased a wig indicated that I don't feel comfortable telling her about it and when I explained that I still felt uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassed about discussing my crossdressing with her or anybody else, she asked me why do I enjoy doing it if it feels so embarrassing. She looked at my buying a wig as only being about wanting to go out in public crossdressed (which I do want to do at some point but it was not bought solely for that purpose), which she also had some concerns about. She stated that she didn't want to go out in public with me crossdressed because she couldn't "be herself" and she didn't want us to be mistaken as a lesbian couple (she seems to have real fears about being perceived as a lesbian for some reason). She left open the possibility me going out by myself but stated that she didn't want it taking away any of our "alone time," to which I replied that I didn't want to do it if it meant taking away from our "alone time." I also I again had to reassure her about my disinterest in a sex change operation and in adopting a same-sex lifestyle, fears that seem to be fueled (from what my wife said) from shows that she has seen on Oprah and other "investigative reports" that discuss similar stories involving transsexuals, men on the "down low," etc. She apparently fears that one day out of the blue I will either announce that I am a transsexual or gay (or both). It really makes me mad that people are being fed these sensationalistic stories about crossdressers and needlessly causing people to worry. :mad: I don't know what, if anything, was actually resolved through our conversation but I was wondering if anybody has had similar experiences with their wives/significant others and what everybody thinks about whether or not should have told my wife about my wig and how I can help reassure my wife about our marriage. Any thoughts and/or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Sweet Susan]

You are at a very vulnerable crossroads in your marriage. Your wife has good reason to be frightened and apprehensive about the news she has learned. It is very possible that she will slowly accept it and learn to enjoy your crossdressing, but you need to understand that this is a huge blow to her, and she will need time to come to grips with it. You've shown great courage in telling her about yourself, and now you need to show great patience and allow her to accept it (or reject it) in her own time. I might suggest that you introduce her to this forum. Many of the ladies on this forum have brought their wives aboard and found great comfort and success by doing so. We will all be with you and ready to help you. Good luck.

[~Sweet~]

I think you should have told her about the wig purchase. By the sounds of it she was trying to come around and be more supportive. You hiding that from her and not including her would make her think you are trying to hide something.
Thats just my opinion.

[trinity24]

Is there any way you could print out an article from the net explaining the differences between crossdressers, transexuals, and homosexuals, and give it to her?

[Stephanie]

Trinity24:Know of any good sites?

[trinity24]

Here's a study I found using google - there's many other but this particular one seems to be pretty comprehensive.

You'll find Table 8 especially useful - it shows that 82% of transvestites (another term for crossdresser) are heterosexual, while only 6% are attracted to men.

Transvestites Transexuals and Homosexuals comparison


Here's the table you can find in the study:

Table 8
Sexual Orientation: Responses to the Question: "Are You More Sexually
Attracted to Males, Females, Both, or Neither?"

....................Transvestites...Transexuals... ..Homosexuals
....................(n = 65)..........(n = 33).........(n = 55)......
Females..........82%..............24%............. ..2%............
Males.............6%................52%........... ....80%..........
Both..............12%...............17%........... ....17%..........
Neither..........2%.................6%............ .... 2%...........

"Both" included people who were attracted to males at one time in their
life and females at another time as well as currently active bisexuals.

[Sigrid]

Steph, here's another link

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgendered

[trinity24]

Just remember, to read whatever you give her first - some of those articles mention that a person may progress from one stage to another - which can be pretty misleading. The only way that happens is if you were misdiagnosed to begin with. We can only hope they'll prove all this is just a genetic mishap sooner rather than later - till then all you can do is appeal to your S.O.'s common sense, and hopefully love.

[Inredsatin]

Here are two book I have read that will help your wife better understand crossdressing.
My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd and My Husband Wears My Clothes by Peggy Rudd. My wife has read these and said they helped her to better understand what is is to be a crossdressers wife.
Check these out
Hugs Brenda

[Kimberly]

When coming to out to my, now ex, girlfriend about it, she seemed ok about it.

I did explain completely what I was and what I wasn't. (Like you said, yes: wearing the clothes, no: gay or transsexual.) After I had explained all this to her, she seemed okay. Any questions she had, I answered, which is extemely comforting in these situations.

Maybe you can get together with your wife, one night, and just say: "Okay. About y crossdressing... I'm open to anything you wanna say/ask/enquire about, and I'll just answer."

After that, and after clearing up ANY problems or issues she may have with your dressing, then ask HER about how she wants to take your dressing; whether she wants to get involved, shopping etc, or whether she just wants you to dress in private. These things are all about give and take.

Hope I could be of some use hugs xx

[kathy gg]

Hi Stephanie,

I run a gg only support group on yahoo and 'trust' and 'lying' are HUGE issues with most every woman. Although it is still difficult for you to be forthcoming about (simple to you) purchases like a wig or other items, it can really throw all the steps you have taken back by not sharing these things with her. I know some wives have that 'don't see/don't tell" policy, but other women are the exact opposite and want to be pivy to purchases, feelings and any 'new' things you may have on your mind.


Right now a very good couple I am friends with is going through a separation due to just one too many secrets. I am friends with both and have heard both sides. GUy is nervous about sharing something becuase he is afraid his wife will 'read' something into his actions. When she finds out, she freaks out becuase she was kept out of the loop. It is a vicious cycle and it can destroy any marriage.

I know it is tough for guys to open up, but if you dont' we are left to try to piece together what little we know and what we don't know and what we suspect. A wig might not have any huge implications to you, but for her it is just another thing which she is being left out of the loop on.

As for the constant barrage of sexual orientation/gender questions. I hate to say this, but the reality is that those things DO HAPPEN. And in case you never read the adult section or personals on this board. Those things happen right here on this forum. I am not condemming anyone for their actions or desires. honestly, I really dont' give a darn about what other people are doing, because it is not happening in my life so to each their own.

BUT, that does not change the fact that those are real things that do happen and any wife who puts blinders on and does not think it ever happens is living in a fantasy.

I think it is your job to be pateint, loving, and continue to honestly answer her questions. Even though she may ask them a hundred times. She sounds a bit homophobic so in her case it may be three hundred times. WOmen are are uncomfortable with this need that constant reassurance. Getting defensive or upset becuase it is the same quesiton over and over is not going to win any hearts.

Please know I wish it was as easy as her asking once and believing you and that be the end, but Stepahnie, that is just not how womens minds work.

Many hugs
kathy in canada

I had quite a night this evening with my wife and needed to talk about it. I came out to my wife about my crossdressing about a month ago (although she stated then that I had told her about it a long time ago when we were just friends) and after assuring her that I was a.)Not interested in ever having a sex-change operation and b.)Not looking to have a same-sex relationship (not that that really has anything to do with crossdressing) she seemed o.k. about it. She told me that she really does not have a problem with me crossdressing but that she is just mostly concerned about other people, especially our kids, finding out about it. I promised to be discreet about it and that was that...or so I thought. Tonight, she inadvertently found out about me having purchased a wig recently and it sent her into a tailspin because she felt like I was hiding things from her and my hiding the fact that I purchased a wig indicated that I don't feel comfortable telling her about it and when I explained that I still felt uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassed about discussing my crossdressing with her or anybody else, she asked me why do I enjoy doing it if it feels so embarrassing. She looked at my buying a wig as only being about wanting to go out in public crossdressed (which I do want to do at some point but it was not bought solely for that purpose), which she also had some concerns about. She stated that she didn't want to go out in public with me crossdressed because she couldn't "be herself" and she didn't want us to be mistaken as a lesbian couple (she seems to have real fears about being perceived as a lesbian for some reason). She left open the possibility me going out by myself but stated that she didn't want it taking away any of our "alone time," to which I replied that I didn't want to do it if it meant taking away from our "alone time." I also I again had to reassure her about my disinterest in a sex change operation and in adopting a same-sex lifestyle, fears that seem to be fueled (from what my wife said) from shows that she has seen on Oprah and other "investigative reports" that discuss similar stories involving transsexuals, men on the "down low," etc. She apparently fears that one day out of the blue I will either announce that I am a transsexual or gay (or both). It really makes me mad that people are being fed these sensationalistic stories about crossdressers and needlessly causing people to worry. :mad: I don't know what, if anything, was actually resolved through our conversation but I was wondering if anybody has had similar experiences with their wives/significant others and what everybody thinks about whether or not should have told my wife about my wig and how I can help reassure my wife about our marriage. Any thoughts and/or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[DonnaT]

Stephanie, you seem to be doing all the right things, for the most part. Any deception (e.g., purchases), however, will make her wonder what else you are hiding from her.

My wife has known for 29 years and still has fears of "what's next." It's a fact of life for many SO's. A lot has to do with what they read on the Internet. There are quite of few examples of CDs saying they are not interested in taking things to another level, such as hormones, GRS, etc.

All you can do is always be honest with her, and keep talking and reasuring her. Try not to get upset over the same questions being raised, instead tell heryou love her and understand her fears.

[Fiona K]

Here are two book I have read that will help your wife better understand crossdressing.
My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd and My Husband Wears My Clothes by Peggy Rudd. My wife has read these and said they helped her to better understand what is is to be a crossdressers wife.
Check these out
Hugs Brenda

Hi Stephanie,
The books suggested by Brenda are very good but just read them yourself first. MHB in particular pulls no punches and does tell of Helen's own doubts and fears that re-surface even years after she and Betty have been together.

Check out www.myhusbandbetty.com for more info.

Also DON'T hide anything more, conversations with TG friends here or on IM or any purchases. I only came out last Novemeber after 20 years and one of the thing that destroys months of patient conversation is even the slightest sniff of deception (in her eyes the wig may well qualify).

My wife was worried about the instinctive reaction from me to close a forum or IM window on the PC, force of habit from when I was in the closet coupled with a desire not to upset her. These made her wonder if I was being honest about the SRS or gay sex things.

I have deliberately not bought any more clothes from ebay or elsewhere since I came out, and I have had my reward, we went shopping together- for me- last week! It has been a long hard road and she still doesn't want to see me dressed or to meet my femme self but we are still together- for which I am profoundly grateful!

Take care and remeber her feelings, you've had a lifetime to get used to being TG, she hasn't!

Fiona
xx

[Wendy me]

stephanie all the gay or what ever issues seam to be ok but as i see it the wig was tha big thing... see the whole i like to dress in womans clouthing is one thing the shopping might be the thing...... my wife knows that i dress but outside of halloween has never realy met wendy.............let alone dose she have a clue as to just what wendy has in her closet............that is what just might sturr up some trouble.........

[Stephanie]

Thanks for all of the comments. It sounds like most everybody thinks that I should've told her about buying a wig and I can understand it to a certain extent, however I guess I just thought that since she's not really going to be involved with my crossdressing that it didn't really matter how open I am about my crossdressing as long as I'm not doing things that might directly or indirectly harm our marriage (i.e. seeking out sexual encounters with men, taking hormones, looking towards getting a sex change). I didn't see buying a wig as one of those things. If she was totally into my crossdressing and wanted to help me buy clothes, go out with me enfemme, etc. I would probably feel like I could be a lot more open about it with her but as she seems to be more or less "tolerating" it (at this point anyway), I don't (or at least I didn't at the time) feel any great need to tell her about it. I guess I just didn't see the point of it. I tried to ask my wife exactly what she wanted me to tell her about my crossdressing and she has yet to give me any kind of definitive guidelines. She seems mostly hurt that I didn't feel that I could talk to her about it but it is difficult for me to understand exactly why I should have given that I know that she's not extremely comfortable with my crossdressing and I'm just not sure what the point of telling her would've been and what I would've hoped to accomplish in doing so. I suppose that it is possible, however, that what she was really reacting to was finding out that my interest in crossdressing is a little more than just wanting to wear women's clothes occasionally.

[StephanieCD]

Completely expose yourself. Make yourself vulnerable. Offer her this site address. Show her where you go. Show her how to browse the website history. Tell her your darkest secret. Give her pictures in a sealed envelope. Anything to show her there are no more secrets - thing is... one secret at this point could just be the tip of the iceberg in her eyes. No more secrets. Ask what would make her more comfortable - point out that to "play dressup" you need "things" and they need to be purchased: would hs ebe more comfortable helping you buy them, having you ask permission, or not knowing at all? What does SHE want? Find out. Do it.

[DonnaT]

I tried to ask my wife exactly what she wanted me to tell her about my crossdressing and she has yet to give me any kind of definitive guidelines. She seems mostly hurt that I didn't feel that I could talk to her about it but it is difficult for me to understand exactly why I should have given that I know that she's not extremely comfortable with my crossdressing and I'm just not sure what the point of telling her would've been and what I would've hoped to accomplish in doing so. I suppose that it is possible, however, that what she was really reacting to was finding out that my interest in crossdressing is a little more than just wanting to wear women's clothes occasionally.

Yes, it is quite difficult to decide what it is they want to hear and what they don't. Which is why you tell them everything, and let them stop you if they don't want to know.

Next time, say for example you want to get some heels, say "Honey, I need some new heels, would you like to go with me to the store?" At least you've made the offer and given her the choice to go with or not.

[Stephanie]

Thanks StephanieCD! That actually sounds like the best advice. I'll just make sure that she knows EVERYTHING and see how she reacts to everything. I'm working on a e-mail/letter summarizing our conversations and hopefully better explaining my crossdressing to her (I always express myself better in writing) and I'm going to include links to this site as well as My Husband Betty and tell her about the available books by Peggy Rudd and Helen Boyd (all of which I've read). She doesn't spend much time on the computer but maybe she might check out the books at some point. Things seem to be sound at the moment and I am not worried about our marriage but I want to make sure that she knows that I'm not going to do anything that's going to jeopardize our marriage, my job, etc. Thanks everybody for all of your support and advice. I truly do appreciate it!

[Rachel Ann]

A little off topic - I aplogize Stephanie, and I hope that things turn out well for you.

Table 8
Sexual Orientation: Responses to the Question: "Are You More Sexually
Attracted to Males, Females, Both, or Neither?"

....................Transvestites...Transexuals... ..Homosexuals
....................(n = 65)..........(n = 33).........(n = 55)......
Females..........82%..............24%............. ...2%............
Males..............6%...............52%........... ....80%..........
Both..............12%...............17%........... ....17%..........
Neither............2%.................6%................2%......... ..

"Both" included people who were attracted to males at one time in their
life and females at another time as well as currently active bisexuals.

I wonder what the figures are for non-TG men and women. I suspect that the TG CD numbers (I don't like TV) are similar to the overall population, but I haven't been able to find evidence for that other than my own observations. Of course, it's different for TSs, especially post-op. If anybody turns up anything like that, please PM me.

Back to you, Stephanie. I'm in your corner.