Feeling like S*#T!!!

[Chantellexxx]

Today sucks! I feel terrible. I argued with my wife this morning before work, it was not a huge fight but things are pretty tense at the moment. A few months back she found my "stash" in my shed, panties, mini skirts, bikini, hot pants, everything! but she said nothing to me about it until last week when the subject of feminine men came up. She said I am fem because I shave my body, I then went straight into denial mode & stormed out Since then we have been ok but I can feel that she wants to know why I have those clothes & I dont blame her, I"m just scared I will lose her if the truth comes out. There are times {like now} I hate myself for what I do but I am pretty sure that I cannot stop doing this & what will happen if I try, I feel so "me" when I"m dressed as a woman yet I still get the feeling of shame that I"m betraying my family. Sorry for posting a crappy subject like this but you girls are all i have at the moment....
Chantelle...oxox...

[boy2girl31]

"She said I am fem because I shave my body"

how did she say it was she angry when she said it or angry after you started arguing? What made the topic of feminine men come up? Maybe you could use it to bring up the topic again and try to judge her reaction. She married you so she must love you and that can be the most important thing. For all you know if she found your stash she may already know. Worse yet she may think there is another woman. Gage her feelings you may find the person who will truly understand. GOOD LUCK

[Sheri 4242]

I hate myself for what I do but I am pretty sure that I cannot stop doing this & what will happen if I try, I feel so "me" when I"m dressed as a woman yet I still get the feeling of shame that I"m betraying my family.

Sounds as if you and your wife could use some couples counseling with a therapist who is really educated in gender issues, cding, etc. I take it you two have not really talked to each other about this subject. Many of your fears are rooted in your shame, as well as "the" unknown. By the way, you say you don't think you could stop cding! That is probably very true! You might be able to control it some, but that is, to my way of thinking, denying who you are to yourself and your wife. Life is truly great when you have a soulmate who knows and is supportive!

[jamie55]

Hi Chantelle: I am probably not the best one to give advice on this because I'm still struggling with my wife too. I can tell you this though, You will probably lose her if you don't fess up. I think the biggest hurdle in a cd's relationship is the honesty issue. When you're honest with her you can work out the minor issue of clothing choice.

[Angie G]

Maybe you and her should talk it out she just may be OK with you dressing as she knows about your stash. sha must think someyhings going on.
Angie

[jill s]

She found your stuff and you shave your body, I think she might already have a small clue that you cross dress. I don't think you have much to lose by having a long talk about the subject.

[Di]

She prob will be more upset over the hiding/secrets and the denial mode & storming out...at least I would be. You need to be straight up.
She knows you shave your body and she found the clothes...I am sure she is putting 2+2 together.If you do tell her....no lies or half truths and no promises you can not keep.

[StephanieH]

[SIZE="3"]"You hate yourself for what you do" says it all... how can you be happy in your relationship if you're constantly feeling guilty and harboring ill feelings? Your guilt and such is likely carrying over into every other area of the relationship and she has no idea what's going on in that head of yours.

When a lady finds a stash of women's clothes hidden somewhere (NEVER a good thing) the first thing they're likely to think is that these clothes belong to another woman. Why is my husband hiding some other woman's clothes? And her underwear? NOT a good thing! Doubt, mistrust, you name it, it's all in there and she's quite right to start assuming the worst.

Don't get angry, don't get huffy, sit down and tell her how much you love her and tell her all about this side of you. Be ready to apologize, because you should. You shouldn't keep something like this from a life partner. Get some counseling if ya'll need to, get her some books and lit to read about this, but first and foremost, reassure her you love her and it's just part of who you are.

I've found something very surprising happens when you're repeatedly honest with people... they TRUST you. That is the basis of a strong relationship, don't mess it up.

Take care and God bless! [/SIZE]

[Sandra]

You need to talk to her, can you imagine just what is going through her mind all sorts of crazy ideas. You said "I"m just scared I will lose her if the truth comes out. " If the truth doesn't come out you could lose her.

Sit down answer her questions listen to what she has to say and ask her to do the same, to listen to how you feel and that it's not some thing that is going to go away.

Randi also brings up a good point, reassurance a lot of SO think that there is something wrong with them, when they find out about their partners cding, reassure her that this is not the case and make sure she knows how much you love her.

It's not going to be easy and it may take time for her to adjust but hopefully she'll try to understand and remember there is always this forum she can come to

[Chari]

She has found your "stash" and has said nothing regarding it? You must discuss this situation ASAP with her calmly, in private, and where there won't be any distractions. She is the best part of your life and may feel guilty, rejected, confused, and hurt. Communication (listening & talking) is what is required from both sides. Do not just tell her what she wants to hear, but tell her what you really feel! As others have said "be honest"! She already knows "something" is going on out of the normal, and may have visions far worse than your CDing.

[Holly]

Shaved Body + Finding Stash = She Knows! And then you go and deny it. No wonder she is mad. Time and time again the advice has been to communicate. In my opinion, your wife was throwing you a lifeline when she made the comment about you being femme... and you rejected it! It's time for some serious,m "I'm sorry's" from you and some truth and honesty about yourself. The guilt you are feeling is from the deceit and the hiding, not your dressing. Give your wife a chance by being truthful with her.

[battybattybats]

There's been some great threads on the moral dilema of telling or not telling here, but the important issue in this is she found out, at least part of the truth, and it seems she suspects the rest.

The cats out of the bag already.

Now you need quality damage control. You need to try and find the best way you can to tell her.

It sounds like your biggest obstacle though in your doing so may be your own issues with your dressing. You will have to deal with at least some of that to let her know why you've been secretive about it, why you kept it to yourself and why you have trouble comming out about it now.

You are worried you might lose her but holding back too much now and the odds of losing her will be worse than the odds after telling her would be.

You should take the safer bet. Right now that'll be reasonably quick research for the best ways on how to tell and then explain as best you can. (theres been a lot of threads here on the very subject and theres a lot of sites on the net)

Counselling if you can get it might be a good idea, provided you can find a reasonable counseller without a bias though most in Australia seem ok even if they don't know much about the subject.

Your own emotional issues, your fears and guilt and shame and denial that most of us carry and have to deal with will be one of your biggest obstacles. You might want to try one of the free phone counselling services if you can get the chance in case that might help you and of course there are us here.

The gates not just been left open, the horse has already bolted. Now you'll have to try and calm it down and get it back in.

There's no gaurantee of success in telling and the way you do it will make a difference but it'll have a better chance of working than pretending nothing is wrong.


Good luck.

[Danielle]

We live now in a changing world,I began my relationship with "Honesty"it paid off I could actually run around in a skirt and high heels at home so as long its out in front of her not behind her...thats when she gets pissed off.Be honest girl,it will release so much stress for holding the truth inside.The best path to understanding is conversation, its not all about judging or blaming anyone.This is the test she needs to work on if she trully loves you"FOR BETTER OR FOR WORST"god bless both of you.

[Shelly67]

I know this so well........ there really is only one way to settle all worries .. And I think in what youre about to read you may even realize the similarity ...you certainly are not alone on this matter . But , youre wife may feel very alone and frightened . put yourself in her place .
I,ll bet youre wifes worried silly at her find , but even more worried why you havent come clean to her yet . Her imagination may even be running riot .
I can only reflect on this , as two years ago I was in a very similar situation.
I realised I had to put a stop to the worrying , arguing , face facts like a man and admit to myself ( guilt weighs so heavy and shows ) and then to my wife I was a crossdresser . It wasnt fair on either of us . The situation was far too tense for me , I simply hated the deception . And so do most female partners who discover they're partners " hobby " by accident - dont they ?? To those who do find out in this way , it really must hurt - feel so sorry for them .... think about it .
. It,s without doubt , all if not most hetro guys worry about not being masculine enough for their loved ones ..... and a rebuke on our sexuality and passiveness really cuts to the bone . But deception will always bring on mistrust . There is an even greater fact to learn here ...... honesty . Dont lie about yourself ...be proud . Theres nothing wrong with femanine feelings or traits in a personality . It hit me like a bullet , I had to trust my wife , my lifelong partner with this secret.... I was femanine ... perhaps it would install a grain of trust between us ?? If we all could only tell our partners from the begining ......I,d be so proud if my partner showed me such great trust with a very personal dilema ....... wouldnt we ?

So I had to act .

If I,d had the chance to test the water , asking how she felt about cd,s I,d have certainly tried that first . But , she already knew .... so I had no other choice , than apologise for not letting her know ( fear of separation ) but I now found that I must be honest ....no matter what the outcome as living in the situation I had engineered wasnt right.
So , I told her . I was so relieved on telling her my heart pounded , my legs went weak . That was my initial reaction . I then had to prepare for the response ..... I had to deal not only with me , but with us .
I wont go into the details , but , it was'nt easy for either of us . BUT we talked and talked ....she simply couldnt believe at first why I'd kept it a secret. I had to work hard at being supportive and understanding . Listening , not walking away , talking calmy when angst raised my blood level. holding her when she cried .....and certainly not hiding any tears of my own .
That was 2 years ago .......lifes now better than ever - for us both .

Now I,m not saying what you should do cept this ....you gotta get those lines of communication open again - in any way possible .
Otherwise this will just simmer then explode .
Explore all avenues , be it together with help , or an honest chat just the two of you .....
who knows what you may discover .....
I wish you both all the very best .

[MJ]

She knows . and the problem is you not being truthful to her did not help . and you should tell her . sooner than later get it over with . do the right thing .

[DonnaT]

It may not be easy, but I suggest you apologize for this morning, and then explain why you got upset.

Don't hate yourself for something you did not choose. You were born trans and it ain't curable.

[Chantellexxx]

From my heart, thankyou. Each reply has some valuable advice. I am so glad I found all of you girls, this site really does have a lot to offer. I will tell her when the time is right, we both work long hours & with two kids life is pretty hectic! so I think I will wait until Saturday night, thats when we have some relaxed time together. Some of the things you have said in the replies have really hit home, my guilt is from hiding the truth & not the fact I CD. I really value your support & feel close to all of you, it"s so good not to feel alone anymore. My wife was fine after I got home last night but I can tell it"s still on her mind. I will let you know how things go after I have talked to her. again, thankyou.
Chantelle...oxox...

[erickka]

O.K my Communication lines being open is a MUST!! I think that is why I am still married after 25 years to the same wonderful gal.

[Tina Dixon]

She's got you figured out so you might as well put it out on the table and go for it, you never know she my like the idea.

[Shelly67]

Just be delicate with her ....if she does accept you , listens and wants to know more for goodness sake please do it at her pace . Dont rush .
good luck .

[Claire3]

Open up to her,talk and be totally honest.You owe it to her,you truly do.

sorry,big PS,consider her thoughts and feelings about what you say to her.You may have to compromise,counceling is always an option if you cant work things out together by yourselves

[Kay.C]

i told my girl cause I had to she caught me in the act.We talked about it all night but nothing was resolved ,she made her point that she felt I was dressing up to give myself pleasure cause she was not good enough,I tried to explain its nothing like that but she could not understand. So by the end of the night I had promised not to do it anymore to keep her happy. Now my cross dressing has gone deeper into the closet, now Im just extra careful not to get caught again so far so good .

[sarahNZ]

My wife and I are having the same issues at the moment, She found my stash (by accident) two weeks ago, didn't say anything till the next day, ALMOST cost me my marrage.

Turns out that she was more angry at the lies and secrets, but as i had kept it to myself so long (we have been together for 6 years), it was not so easy to tell.

Any ways... long story short, I had some serious butt kissing to do, and am still. We are now talking openly and honestly. With the help of some easy rules we are trying to make some headway again.

My advice is LISTEN to the words AND the emotions that she is giving you, take them on board, act on them, don't just half hear then assume it will all just blow over, [SIZE="3"]IT WONT[/SIZE]!!! It may take time to get back to normal (I hate that word but it fits) but I wish you all the best of luck!! make sure that she knows you love her more than all others and that you have not changed as a person, you are still the MAN she married under the makeup!

I just wish someone had given me that advice before it all came to a head for me.

Keep your chin up it may all work out for the best!

[SoJill]

Hopefully by now things have been resolved. Just a little info from the other side. I noticed my husbands ebay buying of fem panties and they weren't for me. I found a cute nightie hidden in the closet that didn't belong to me (his). As a woman, I thought the worst! (he's cheating) Only til he expained to me (in a long letter) about his need to crossdress and his continued love for me, followed by his need to come clean, did things calm down in our home.
Trust is a big issue for most people, male or female. I went through all the emotions: hurt, angry, mad. I even grieved for the total male husband I lost. It has only been a few months since the time of his letter to me. It was frustrating on my part to understand, but I know he still "loves" me and his honesty now is what keeps us going.
Only you know what to do. If you feel she could be receptive to a letter or sit down talk, by all means do it! On the other hand, if the past has been shakey, be careful... Telling a secret can be the most liberating thing to do, but only with the right person. Only you will know if she is that right person or not.
Hubby is now dressing more at home in the open and I am okay with it. He is still my male husband and we have found the balance of male/female dress and roles by open communication. I no longer think the worst when seeing new female items because most times I help him pick them out.
He no longer feels like he has to hide his crossdressing and I no longer have to wonder about his loyalty to me. We have formed a closer bond by his coming out and being honest.
Just one wife's view......

[Sophia KT]

Just hugs!