Adventures In Dating Land

[melissacd]

It has been a while since I have posted on this forum. I have been busy settling in to my new found life as a single cross dresser and a part of that has been to get back into the dating scene.

I realize that it takes a while to get past the old relationship, however, it seemed to me that there is no harm in meeting women as friends and getting back into circulation. After 25 years it is a real learning experience as to how to go about doing this. Add to all of this the complication of being a cross dresser and it gets very challenging indeed.

I have tried a variety of approaches that have had varying amounts of success and various challenges.

I tried creating a profile that showed and spoke about me as a cross dresser without any pictures of me in male mode. That met mostly with curiosity, though I did meet a few very nice women through that method who were fine with the cross dressing.

I tried creating a male only profile and I received lots of responses and met a great many women. This approach was to allow them to get to know me as a person, which they did, see if they liked me, which they did and then find the time to tell them about the cross dressing, which I did. In all cases they either dumper me right away (the most common response) or they said that they would only ever be my platonic friend (a less common response). The thing that I found both fascinating and somewhat depressing was that most of the women that I met liked me so much they wanted to see me again and again. After I told them about my dressing it all changed. They generally wrote me nice letter saying it was nice to know you , good luck finding what you are looking for.

The problem with this approach, besides the fact that most walked away, was that there was always an anxiety that I knew that before things got too serious that I had to tell them about me. I did not like how that felt. It felt very deceitful much in the same way as I had deceived my ex for 15 years before she found out.

My latest approach is to show and discuss myself as a male but include at the end of the profile a disclosure, in the nicest terms possible, about my cross dressing. To date I have gotten zero interest.

I am not really sure what the right answer is here, but I know that none of the approaches that I have taken so far have connected me with someone who I like, someone who is compatible and someone who is open minded enough to be okay with my cross dressing. I believe now that I have met around 40 to 50 different women, either directly at a coffee shop or restaurant, on the phone or through IM chat.

I have made about a half dozen platonic friends and they are very nice women whom I have a great friendship with, but none who could become a potential life partner.

I make this post because I want to share my experiences and I also hope that perhaps some sage advice may be offered.

Huggs
Melissa

[Alicia_lynn419]

Hey! I know how you feel.. I'm in the same boat... i have both my male and female profile on many different sites... and its still a challenge. I occasionally get get a response from someone, but its usually just encouragement for being brave and being who I am... But then again.. just the other night I wrote to a lady (as Allie) and we really hit it off.. that rare needle in the haystack... We'll see.....

My advice: Caste a wide net for better results!

[DemonicDaughter]

It took me a bit to think how to word this so it makes the most sense. I think the problem most cders are going to face in the dating world is the idea that cding is a "perversion". Most people who have no idea about it, see cding like porn addiction, or obsession with particular sexual practices.

We all know its purely an individual thing.

So, what does your profile say to help educate them on it if anything? Do you incorporate your female persona into the whole profile and offer it as a full part of who you are? I think if it might be presented a specific non-sexual way, it would possibly make them inquire about it out of curiosity. Remember, if its presented as if its a bad thing, a secretive thing or something to be ashamed of, that's how they are going to think of it.

Just a thought.

[melissacd]

I re-read my profile and while I feel that it is all very positive and not suggesting shame perhaps it could be written in a way that is more educational. I am not entirely sure that that will change things, however, it is not working now so I should try something different.

One thing one woman said to me is probably quite true and speaks to the challenge that we face and the trade off that we make when deciding to be true to who we know we are inside:

"You must be frustrated. You also (I assume) understand that most straight women want a man's man. I'll tell you how I see it. Don't read on if you don't want to know. Here comes the bulldozer.....LOL! I am attracted to men. A man who dresses as a woman (forgive me) is assumed to be gay, transsexual or bi. I am not and never have been attracted to other women so why would I want to date someone who looks like one? You can be the nicest guy in the world but you know this is not the "norm" in our society. "

An interesting comment from a woman who will never date a cross dresser.

Melissa

[Nicole Erin]

Say to hell with women and find a decent man.

Either that or wait a while before bringing up the CD issue.

Reality check - a woman is less likely to break up an established relationship.
Why do you think a lot of married CD's who told their wives later on are still married even if the SO doesn't accept "her"? She is more likely to accept it once the relationship is established.

The best way to do anything is to BS your way in, get established and comfortable, and THEN bring in the baggage [if you ever really need to]. That is how people get jobs, get laid, find relationships, make sales, get price discounts...

Hell with the "honesty upfront" crap.

[NoraTV]

I have come to realize that I am bisexual. I am very open about this, even with friends who are not aware of my femme existence. There are several women with whom I have very intense friendships, including intimacy. I guess that we go out on dates, but I don't really consider them as such. The romance -- the flowers, music, and generally being swept off my feet -- comes only when I go out with a man.

For friendship, I look for girl friends. For romance, I want a man who loves me and enjoys all aspects of being with me.

I have just realized that this reply is all about me and probably not helpful to anyone else. Sorry.

[pinkeverything]

Say to hell with women and find a decent man.

Either that or wait a while before bringing up the CD issue.

Reality check - a woman is less likely to break up an established relationship.
Why do you think a lot of married CD's who told their wives later on are still married even if the SO doesn't accept "her"? She is more likely to accept it once the relationship is established.

The best way to do anything is to BS your way in, get established and comfortable, and THEN bring in the baggage [if you ever really need to]. That is how people get jobs, get laid, find relationships, make sales, get price discounts...

Hell with the "honesty upfront" crap.

There is alot of merit to the words: "you don't have to tell everybody everything".

However, this isn't really a job interview for a sales job, it is the discovery of another person for the purposes of an intimate relationship. How much intimacy can be had when you are not dealing with a real person?

Honesty has to be the best policy.

[Brina Halloween]

I am in basically the same situation too. I sometimes don't dress up for months but, I do enjoy it. My dances and parties at Halloween are not quite the same as trying to pass but, I would like to meet a lady that would enjoy the occasional "ladies" day. Remove a little more hair and work on the voice and I probably would be hard to spot in the right make-up and outfit.

I suspect that "later" might be better as was mentioned but, I do agree honesty is the best policy. Too bad Halloween is only once a year.

[RobynP]

One thing one woman said to me is probably quite true and speaks to the challenge that we face and the trade off that we make when deciding to be true to who we know we are inside:

"You must be frustrated. You also (I assume) understand that most straight women want a man's man. I'll tell you how I see it. Don't read on if you don't want to know. Here comes the bulldozer.....LOL! I am attracted to men. A man who dresses as a woman (forgive me) is assumed to be gay, transsexual or bi. I am not and never have been attracted to other women so why would I want to date someone who looks like one? You can be the nicest guy in the world but you know this is not the "norm" in our society. "

An interesting comment from a woman who will never date a cross dresser.

Melissa

Melissa,

Thank you for shairing! I, too, am in the same position as you with about the same results as you. I think the woman that wrote to you was 100% honest and 100% right on target and expressed the thoughts of most women(unfortunately for us). Crossdressing is a huge deal-breaker for most women. We can rant and rave, stamp our feet, and maybe accuse them of being transphobic. But their reality is not flexible enough to allow for a crossdressing partner.

Looking on the bright side, you did not have to waste any time with her because of your up-front honesty. I think you are giving crossdressers a positive image by being honest like this. And she repaid your honesty with her honesty. Her response is a lot better than some of the messages I have received which cannot be reprinted here.

You are searching for that special someone and she is out there probably right now searching for you.

One tactic I am trying now is posting my profile as a straight male wth Robyn's pictures and information in my profile about me being a crossdresser. However, I am "searching" for a bi-female. Maybe that will work!

(I did receive one message from a straight woman who was scanning the men's profiles and stumbled across my picture. She pointed out to me that somehow my profile said that I was "M" instead of "F" and I had better correct it because I probably wouldn't get many emails from potential dates until I do. Obviously, she did not take the time to read my profile. However, I was extremely flattered at the unintentional compliment!

Peace,

Robyn

[DemonicDaughter]

...One thing one woman said to me is probably quite true and speaks to the challenge that we face and the trade off that we make when deciding to be true to who we know we are inside:

"You must be frustrated. You also (I assume) understand that most straight women want a man's man. I'll tell you how I see it. Don't read on if you don't want to know. Here comes the bulldozer.....LOL! I am attracted to men. A man who dresses as a woman (forgive me) is assumed to be gay, transsexual or bi. I am not and never have been attracted to other women so why would I want to date someone who looks like one? You can be the nicest guy in the world but you know this is not the "norm" in our society. "

Well seeing as no one can really define a "man's man" I think that's partially BS. The truth is, we all have our own ideas of what we look for in a partner and very little of it is influenced by the outside world. There are straight women who date tgurls. I do agree, they aren't in overwhelming numbers but they are out there.

But I think it would be more feasible if you tried specifically looking for a bisexual female. We tend to find the whole idea of cding quite interesting if not vastly appealing. I still think many need education to understand its not a purely sexual thing, but at least we would most likely find it more suitable to our own lifestyle. Its worth the try.

Why do you think a lot of married CD's who told their wives later on are still married even if the SO doesn't accept "her"?

Because they are scared to lose their partner. Most don't tell out of fear of rejection. They don't think, "oh, I'll lure her in, marry her, have kids with her, wait twenty years for her to be nice and comfortable THEN spring it on her!" They think "she'd never accept this" and simply hide it till either they get caught or the double life becomes far too much to handle.

She is more likely to accept it once the relationship is established.

I disagree. She might be more likely to stay, but there's no guarantee she'd accept it.

The best way to do anything is to BS your way in, get established and comfortable, and THEN bring in the baggage [if you ever really need to]. That is how people get jobs, get laid, find relationships, make sales, get price discounts...

This is also how people lose great jobs and relationships with no ability to rectify the situation.

There is nothing the matter with being yourself upfront and from the get-go. Yes, it will take you longer to find someone, but I'd rather take the time and find a person that loves me for who I am than rush in only to find out they don't even know who I am as a person.

To hell with this dishonesty crap!

[JessieB]

Say to hell with women and find a decent man.

For anything more than a quickie or one night stand, that's not much easier than finding a GG.

Reality check - a woman is less likely to break up an established relationship.

These days, roughly half of divorces are initiated by women, at least here in Texas. That's the new reality.

The best way to do anything is to BS your way in

You can't be serious, right?

I tried creating a profile that showed and spoke about me as a cross dresser without any pictures of me in male mode ...

My latest approach is to show and discuss myself as a male but include at the end of the profile a disclosure, in the nicest terms possible, about my cross dressing.

Hey! I have both my male and female profile on many different sites ... My advice: Caste a wide net for better results!

Interesting. I tried creating a crossdresser profile on some major dating sites and they were rejected. Care to share which site(s) you've been using?

[vivianann]

Honesty is the best answer my friend, I agree with Demonic Daughter.
My advice to you would be to go out in public enfemme, you will meet alot of GGs who will be curious for the most part, but you never know when you might find the one who will want a relationship with you knowing you are a crossdresser, I go out to the malls, walmart, and other stores where there are a lot of GGs, and I get alot of attention and some will even give me their ph #. When you crossdress in public dress so you blend in for the most part, and make sure the dress or skirt outfit you are wearing is clean and wrinkle free, and the colors match, do your makeup well, but dont look like a clown eiher. and wear heels that are comfortable, and they should not be over 2 and a half inches tall. this works well for me, even though I have not met the right one yet, I am having fun meeting GGs while I am in femme mode.
Remember honesty is the best way to go about this, because you do not want to be in a relationship with a woman you are not compatible with, both of you would be miserable, and that is no way to live. So take your time and have fun, and good luck my friend. Viv.

[StephanieF]

Wow Melissa,

That's almost scary and a little depressing. I could have written that letter about me.

I've taken all those approaches with almost identical results and I'm just as frustrated as you appear to be. I don't know what to suggest except to do what I am ... keep trying. Those women are out there.

(PS Always nice to meet another Cdn. I'm in NB now but spent 4 years in Gueph.) Take care, Stephanie.

It took me a bit to think how to word this so it makes the most sense. I think the problem most cders are going to face in the dating world is the idea that cding is a "perversion". Most people who have no idea about it, see cding like porn addiction, or obsession with particular sexual practices.

You are indeed wise DD.

Even though I do try to make points about crossdressing not being a fetish, a healthy lifestyle, no more gay than anything else and more of a societal problem than a personal one, at the end of it all I'm usually on the defensive, apologizing for being me, asking for acceptance or I'm sneaking it in at the end of the profile.

I know exactly what you mean, DD and I think you expressed it very well.
Thank you, Steph.

[Sandra]

She is more likely to accept it once the relationship is established.

Totally disagree with you, she may try to tolerate it but accepting it, thats a different tale.

. That is how people get jobs, get laid, find relationships, make sales, get price discounts...

Hell with the "honesty upfront" crap.

... and by doing this you get established/comfortable by not being truthful.

I'd sooner someone be up front with me than lie to me. Being dishonest doesn't work and being on the receiving end can hurt like hell

[Carrie]

Dear Miss Melissa,

I have been contemplating typing a similar thread from a single GG's perspective (who is attracted to CD) so I decided to submit my thoughts about this thread and other dating threads as a new thread entitled “GG confession about dating CD (detailed)” – it is long; I tend to share too much. I explain my experiences, concerns and thoughts about CD.

For you: I encourage you to be honest about whom you are. There are GGs out there that are looking for a good partner with certain character traits like openness, honesty, etc. and who will find value in every aspect of your life, including your femme side.

I believe that everyone has a soul-mate, someone who will accept you and love you unconditionally. Do not be discouraged; be patient, some things are worth waiting for – YOU will find your true love!

Best wishes and big hugs!
~C

[AKAMichelle]

Funny that several threads have started with this topic. I have been thinking about it a great deal.

I have gotten throughly disgusted with the dating sites. I had setup my profile and got a couple of responses. In the back of my mind I kept trying to figure out which ones I liked and would accept me as me. I felt like I was looking into the crystal ball without a clue how to read the clues. I never let any of them know about my CD'ing. This was a problem since I know how special it is to have someone accept you. CD'ing just adds another layer to any person.

I deleted my profile this weekend because I figured it was better to be alone than to date people that will never accept me. I don't know how to go about finding an accepting woman, but I will definitely be following this thread.

[Flora62]

I hate to have to be the one to state this,but it seems that the overall handwriting on the wall is just too clear;Our precious femme sides don't really have a place at the table at Cupid's dwelling.As much as it hurts,I think it's very,very wise to get used to enjoying good friendships & whatever fun times there might be in life without possessing the title of"husband".Either that,or try the futile attempts at ditching"her"& paying for it down the road in secrecy,guilt,shame,deception,getting caught & all the rest.It's simply not worth it.Honesty is always the best policy regardless as to how deeply the knife cuts.

[RobertaFermina]

How about offering a Poll...
If they really like you and are interested they can take the poll...
If they click through to the poll, they get a page with your discreet "reveal" of being a Crossdresser and a set of questions:

I am more/the-same/less/no-longer interested in you

I think you are acceptable/wonderful/disgusting/etc.

Please write any comments in the text box.

Actually the poll can be any way you want it. It could be a way to find out more about what women are thinking as they are walking away.

Since you are at this place in your life, a little more rejection might be tolerable in exchange for information that might guide you to real satisfaction.

Who better to ask than the ones who are "getting away?"

Thanks for this thread!

Roberta

[Nikki A.]

As a widowed but not too old LOL guy, I'm just beginning to venture back into Datingland. No matter what this time i am going to be sure that if I get serious again with someone, she will be willing to accept this part of me. Will I disclose it up front, I may hint, but before things get too serious I will tell her and let the chips fall where they may.
I am not ashamed, we are not perverts. This is who I am and I need to express this a part of who I am and makes me be me. I spent twenty monagamous years with a wife who knew, tolerated and tried to understand but really hated it when I did it. I really don't want to put someone through that again.

[unclejoann]

It seems odd to me that a woman would take up with a man of different religion or politics but not one in a skirt. They will accept someone who sits around on the weekend watching "the game" but not someone who would go shoe shopping with them.

I don't get it.

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Melissa. We are all playing out our own personal grid program at this time. As we discussed when you were here, balance is the key regardless of what we choose to do and is the most important thing. I think you are doing quite well my friend.

[Scotty]

I played the dating game for 15 years, and only recently after several dating haituses have I met the most awesome person ever...

So it will happen but remember 1 in 100 people are compatable....so that means for every 100 dates you go on you'll find one person that MIGHT be compatable for long term..

What dating does is allows you to build a grocery list of things that are NOT acceptable, things that are required.....and soon enough you can meet someone and know within 5 minutes if they are even DATE-ABLE..(is that a word?)

Fear not, you're in for some ups and downs but sooner or later you meet someone who likes you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.