What to do? I'm really torn.

[Kali]

Mods - If this in the wrong place, please move.


Backstory -

A friend of mine who knows that my SO and I met online has been sending us links to profiles on various dating sites and ads on craigslist to get our feedback. I guess he thinks that whatever filtering mechanism allowed us to find each other might work one step removed.

So far the advice we have given him in regards to the way profiles were written or the responses he's received have been dead on, so it has really reinforced his trust in our judgement.

Here's the problem (and why I'm posting this here); he sent me a craigslist link today and when I opened it I found a well-written ad for a "woman seeking men" and a photograph of someone who I recognized from this website.

The personal ad says nothing about the person being TS/TG, which is the poster's choice (though not one I personally agree with), but now I find myself on the horns of a dilemma. If I just tell him to pass, he'll ask me why, because we have always given him logical reasons in the past. Or I can tell him that the person in the ad is a TG/TS individual, which should be none of my business, and let him make his own choice.

Of course it is also possible that the picture was just stolen off the net, and that it has nothing to do with the member here. I'm just very uncomfortable outing someone (the person who posted the ad) even if they put themselves in that position.

I find this whole situation very confusing; it's literally giving me heartburn and I don't really know why.

Any suggestions?

[CharleneT]

Give a general answer that doesn't steer him in any particular way and then try and drop the subject. You might contact the person here, in case it is a stolen image (that is pretty common). If you think you can see that it is a TG in the picture I suppose you could point that out to him. Mostly, I would try and avoid giving much opinion (maybe talk a lot about some other profile)

C.

[tricia_uktv]

Charlene, I think forget the fact that you know too much. If you like the profile tell him, if not tell him. Let him find out. You never know it may lead to a wonderful relationship

[AmandaM]

If it was my friend, and I knew he didn't go for that sort of thing, I've tell him my wife says it looks like a guy, whether she does or not. Then he can decide on his own.

[Sharon]

There's always the possibility that this forum member is using a real GG's photo as an avatar and/or profile photo. She may have even found it on the same dating site.

If not, it's a tough call. On the one hand, your friend should be able to discover on the first date that this is not a genetic woman he has met. Maybe it won't matter. On the other hand, he's a friend and you don't want him to waste his time or risk a really bad reaction.

I think I might dig deep to find another reason to warn off your friend from this person, unless you are willing to risk outing yourself to him.

[sterling12]

Oh God Kalli, have you just opened a can of worms! I'm just picturing hundreds of CD's frantically typing away on their computers, trying to get their ad off of Craig's List!

Peace and Love Joanie

[Kali]

There's always the possibility that this forum member is using a real GG's photo as an avatar and/or profile photo. She may have even found it on the same dating site.

It's not an avatar photo; it's someone who posts their picture quite regularly in the picture forum; I recognized the person, not the picture.

I'm not worried about outing myself.

[TGMarla]

PM that person, and find out what's up. Keep it confidential, and then you can better reason out what to do.

[TracyH]

PM that person, and find out what's up. Keep it confidential, and then you can better reason out what to do.

This is a good idea, right here.

[Kali]

This is a good idea, right here.

That would work if I could remember their screen name

[TracyH]

Keep checking the pictures thread.

[RobertaFermina]

This is a tough one. I'd be dead honest to my friend about how I judged the craigslist ad, and what I knew about the person....


except....

What kind of confidentiality do we owe each-other here ?
Do you want to be outed by someone on this board ?

Under what circumstances should we "out" each other ?

I would think only to prevent a crime, such as physical harm, emotional abuse etc., would I "out" someone.

For instance, I attend 12-step meetings. I would not tell another person that they might be dating a *blank*-aholic without the permission of that person.

The best I can think of is to ask the CD if she would be OK with you revealing her status as a CD to your friend that is considering her ad ?

If she doesn't give you her permission to do so, she is aware that you are, at least loosely, a part of the equation of relationship through her ad. You can have a sobering effect on the situation without revealing anything to your friend.

Roberta

[Jilmac]

I would caution the friend that there might be fraud on craigslist because it is a free board and even though there are terms of use, personal ads aren't screened and honesty is up to the individual poster. That being said I would leave the decision to pursue the ad up to the friend, and find out for himself if the poster is a tg or not. Luv and Jill

[Nicole1]

If this is My Friend that we are talking about; I'm telling what I know. I have an obligation to my friend to be honest and to look out for his best interest. I would have a hard time dealing with myself if I knowingly let my friend go into a bad situation blindly and then was hurt (emotionally). What kind of friend would I be and what we he think of me after that. The person posting on the Site and not disclosing the truth is doing so on their own risk of exposure by their own choice, knowing that they are posting their picture and situation elsewhere. If they chose to take that chance, then it is on them. I certainly would not expose a CD who was out in public enjoying herself, but this is a situation where she is trying to get the attention of your friend deceptively. You owe it to your friend to advise him of what you know; if he goes forward; then that is his choice.

Hugs

Nicole

[Angie G]

All I'm going to say is would you like it if someone outed you like that think about it hun.
Angie

[sterling12]

OK, I'll get serious. I already posted something that was pretty flippant, so now I need to "balance the scales," and give a serious opinion.

Just tell your friend that you and your wife both know this person and you are going to tell him "flat out" to not pursue this contact. Amplify by saying that: "I am not at liberty to reveal anything about this person, but because of what my wife and I know; I am advising you not to follow up on this contact." Stand your ground and reveal NOTHING further! Even if everything comes out and he realizes it's a male, he won't know under what circumstances you AND YOU WIFE know this person. Maybe she met him from work, or you all belong to the same church....whatever he wants to think and believe.

Now, you have done your perceived duty for a friend, you haven't "outed" this other person, and no matter what happens you haven't done anything wrong. Man,these moral dilemma's can get messy. I know the feeling....seems like: "damned if you do, damned if you don't!"

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Pamela Julie]

Your friend trusts your judgment. Tell him though things look good about this person, you just have this feeling, that you just can't put your finger on about this person, and suggest he pass this one up, and your wife also has this strange feeling. If you have provided several good prospects, he will probably follow your suggestion. If not, he can tell you all about why you had that strange feeling later.

Pamela

[DanaR]

Your friend trusts your judgment. Tell him though things look good about this person, you just have this feeling, that you just can't put your finger on about this person, and suggest he pass this one up, and your wife also has this strange feeling. If you have provided several good prospects, he will probably follow your suggestion. If not, he can tell you all about why you had that strange feeling later.

Pamela

I agree with Pamela. You don't want to out yourself, but you could just have this feeling, about this one.

[Joanne f]

I think that you have shot your self in the foot How can anyone else pick a partner for some one , and if that person is a TSor TG they might not like you interfering with there affairs as you have to respect the privacy of members on this site.



joanne

[Bev06 GG]

Oh God Kalli, have you just opened a can of worms! I'm just picturing hundreds of CD's frantically typing away on their computers, trying to get their ad off of Craig's List!

Peace and Love Joanie

LOL oh that is so funny.
Bev

[Bev06 GG]

Well look at it this way. Everyone you have filtered so far could have some secret that they dont want to share, they just got lucky because you dont know them. And at the end of the day its really up to your friend to pick a mate.
Take care
Bev

[StayceeCD]

Your friend trusts your judgment. Tell him though things look good about this person, you just have this feeling, that you just can't put your finger on about this person, and suggest he pass this one up, and your wife also has this strange feeling. If you have provided several good prospects, he will probably follow your suggestion. If not, he can tell you all about why you had that strange feeling later.

Pamela

Thats probably best! Just say Hmmm, can't put my finger on it but somethings not right. Not outing anyone, but steering your friend away. That is assuming he's looking for a GG. If he's an anything goes kind of guy then just give him an honest Hot or Not answer..

[Joanne f]

If this person is a TS i cannot see why there is even a debate about it on here as that person is and wants to be treated as a woman and the whole reason for them being on here is to be treated with respect in what they are ,
which i am sure we will all do and expect in return .



joanne