Not sure I can do it....

[cin28]

Ok, so I've been CD'ing for ever, at least for 80% of my life and I'm 39 now. I try and try and try to sort of let this side of me go. But it just comes back and it makes me feel good and I like it and I don't want to ignore it...Sounds like I'm not trying hard I know, but there is a difference between how CD'ing makes me feel and how hard I've tried to not do this - why? Family's sake. Thats it in a nutshell. I've never purged because I knew it would only cost me $$$. And perhaps that's part of it, have not burned the bridges I guess, but heck, why when it seems like cindy loves to come out and play.

Oh well, just venting I guess. To embrace or not to embrace, that poor Yorick is the question (not sure of spelling or exact nature of that quote so all apologies to Shakespeare)!

Cin

[trannie T]

Crossdressing is a harmless activity. You may not wish your family to be aware of your activity but they will not be harmed if you wear a dress occasionally. Most of us are programmed for some unknown reason to be crossdressers, denying this only causes us great frustration.

[girl_in_pantyhose]

I heard god wrote a manual about CD's. It contained all the do's and don'ts, how to pass in any situation, be accepted by all and it even had a chapter that would make your family accept you for what you are!

But as all things would go it was lost! Maybe that is why no one knows what to do or think of us! Any ways i am sure your family would rather have you as a crossdresser than a cereal-killer. Maybe you should pick a trait of theirs and despise it as much as they dislike your crossdressing just make sure the trait you pick means as much as your dressing.

Now that i have confused the heck out of you, good night!

[Angie G]

Hi Cin welcome to the family hun enjoy your stay.
Angie

[Sarah...]

To embrace or not to embrace, that poor Yorick is the question

Cin

Embrace, I would say. I'm a similar age to you and spent a long time trying to make it all go away. It just made me miserable and that impacted on my family.

Accepting and liking myself has had great benefits for my me and my family. My SO knows, but no-one else yet, but that doesn't matter. The benefits were apparent to me the moment that self-acceptance was there and even before anyone else knew who I really was.

Really, don't make yourself miserable. Recognise and embrace the complete you because without this you probably don't function as well as you could.

Hugs

Sarah...

[SatinDoll00]

The sad part is, it is clothing.

If you wanted to dress in a purple suit with a zebra striped collar, no one would really care. They might think you a bit odd, but they would not assume all of the things that they assign to us as crossdressers.

Screw 'em. Screw 'em all!!

I am reaching the end of my patience with society and everyone else with this matter!

Why should anyone else be involved with the decision you or I make about what clothes we put on in the morning???!!

Are we there telling them not to wear certain things? No!

Okay...I need to log off, my badness level is too high, and I get in trouble when I am like this!!

I need a drink

[CD Susan]

Hi Cin, none of us knows why we do this. There have been many things written about this subject but it all comes down to 'why do I feel this way and why do I do this'. Hell I don't know why we do this and I doubt that anyone knows. I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. All I can say is I do not fight this desire any more but embrace it to the fullest. We are who we are and that is never going to change so acceptance is the only answer. I realized this a long time ago and am happy with my life. I wish this happiness for you and everyone of us.

[Jonianne]

Hi Cin and Welcome,

Good for you for not purging. When I mentioned that to my therapist, he said he would not advise that. I believe it is important to accept yourself. The crossdressing will not stay away forever. We gravitated toward the femme because that is the way our spirit needs to express itself sometimes. For me it is not necessarly because I am female inside, but because I need to express myself in a way that presenting my self as a male sometimes, just doesn't work. Females have the conduit of femininity to express their emotional being. Being male makes that a bit more difficult, thats why, for me, crossdressing is such a strong part of my life. It helps me express the side of me that I would ordinarly would have to suppress to some degree.

You can accept the crossdressing and still respect the boundries of those who you are in relationship with. You can find ways of working it out.

Hugs,

Joni

[Joann0830]

I have been who I am since I was about 5 or 6 and I an soon be 60 and I remember the days when I had to wear something that was feminine and knew I could not because of circumstances, as the years went by I found clothes that to me were male / female and even shoes and sneakers. and pull over shirts or blouses. I wear everyday a pair of Ladies Black elastic stretch pants with pockets and Keds tennis sneakers or sandels which look like male and female and they are also female. as far as a pull over shirt that is easy as the shirts that you find for males dont have collars and look also feminine.
As far as earrings I wear studs in both ears as it is accepted by everyone and I have found that the woman find it attractive. as far as underwear I wear my JMS panties everyday. I basically go out everyday in female clothing
when I have to be in male mode for my daughters sake. She knows about me a laughs that I discovered this fashion statement for CDMs so they can feel comfortable. The pants look like mens excercise pants, I actually have had someone say to me that when I shave close I look younger but I also had a charming lady state to me I had a feminine look about me a soft look which she found very nice, We did go out a few times after that. Hopefully this may help you with the daily struggle. Joann0830

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Cin,
Purging is a difficult thing at the best of times and to be honest if its going to have any degree of success you have really got to want to do it. Doesn't sound much like you do so maybe you would find it a total waste of time.

I have only ever met two CDs who have succeeded and one of them was extremely religious so he had a very strong ulterior motive to keep him on the straight and narrow so as to speak.

If you really are serious I wish you luck. If not I would wait until you are because you will only get frustrated. No one ever does something sucessfully with a laodicean attitude there has to be drive and a sense of purpose for anything to work properly.

I wish you all the best if this is a road that you really do want to go down.

Take care
Bev

[Fab Karen]

"not trying hard" to deny something that's a part of you is called a healthy attitude.

[Amy Hepker]

I guess if you are really scared of getting cut out I would be careful around them, but you really do need to let the girl in you out, or it could be mentally bad for you. Most of us are better people when we can be who we really are.

[Sarah_Knight]

I always wonder if we were living 50 or 100 years in the future if we would have any of these problems! Attitudes change so much overtime, we just happen to be living at the tail end of the not so good times ... We have to thank our lucky stars that we aren't living in the really bad times. I marvel at the attitudes of younger people today. Things that would have been huge issues in the 60's, 70's or even 80's are laughed at or dismissed.
At the end of the day its the value of being true to yourself here. Though you can't share this "stuff" with your family, at least you are living in the era of the internet and you can have an extended family (here) that will love and accept this side of you!

[deja true]

"To embrace or not to embrace.."

Just as in the original context, it's really nothing but a rhetorical question, isn't it? We've already answered the question in our minds before we've even asked it.

There really is no choice to this apparently big question. And when we come to the stage of self acceptance, the question loses it's power to haunt us with doubt and heartache.

You've subconciously answered the question over and over already when you've chosen not to purge. Now you just have to realize openly that Cinderella is as real and valid a person as "what's-his-name" and that you are indeed one and the same.

You've already "embraced", now you just have "to be" ...without regret!

[MJ]

the truth is it just never goes away. you see it's a part of us like like an internal twin sister. and you can't ignore woman forever cause they nag and nag until you deal with them and you should know by now women always win .. look at me ....

why not just tell your S.O about your cding ? .

[Bev06 GG]

but you really do need to let the girl in you out, or it could be mentally bad for you. Most of us are better people when we can be who we really are.

That is a good point Amy. One of the reasons some CDs suffer with depression is because they are either in denial, or they are frustrated at not being able to be the person they really want to be. Psychological problems are bound to follow and to be honest can cause havoc to family life.
I have always said that even if I hated my partners CDing I would strike a compromise rather than forbid him to do it altogether. I am certain that he would go along with my wishes because he loves me and has demonstrated in the past that I come first. Which I reciprocate willingly because I too think love should be unconditional. But what sort of a person would it make me if I insisted he purged because I was certain he would do his best to meet my demands, and how would I feel if as a consequence he made himself ill.
Food for thought hey
Bev

[Holly]

So, you are doing something that makes you feel good and is not harmful to others. Those who love you and support you may not understand cross dressing and what it means to you so, basically, your job is to make them understand. There is one thing I can absolutely guarantee... you will never find peace and contentment from within if you do not embrace and accept fully that which is within you.

[Kate Simmons]

Becoming a complete person is no mean feat Hon. It's about way more than just the clothes. Just being yourself is as difficult sometimes as it is easy. The key is to embrace it.

[Emily Anderson]

Hi Cin,

It sounds like you've had a pretty good balance between your desire to crossdress and the rest of what's going on in your life. Only you can tell whether this is causing any personal grief... And if you want to take it any further.

[Nikki A.]

I'm about 15 yrs older than you and been in the same position as you. Did I want to stop for the family's sake, yes, could I, no. This is a part of what makes us who we are, accept it and it becomes easier. Try to suppress it and it'll make you miserable psychologically and to certain people physically. My wife made me see a therapist about me getting depressed when I tried to suppress myself. We only met a few times and he really was not all that familiar with CDs and transgender ssues and admitted it. But in our meetings, he did ask and I did explain what I felt. His opinion was that it was an expression of self and as long as I was not hurting anyone, just accept it and try to find some time when I could be me. To this day I still feel the same way. Yes, I have progressed from the closet to being in the world as Nikki. I have also become more comfortable with telling those people that I think will accept me.
Basically Cindy what I am saying is that we have all felt this way at times and I hope that you can find peace with yourself, and not be ashamed of what you feel. Accept that this makes you a special person, not a freak or weirdo.

[danam]

Oh well, just venting I guess. To embrace or not to embrace, that poor Yorick is the question (not sure of spelling or exact nature of that quote so all apologies to Shakespeare)!

Cin

Yorick (sp?) is the one who died long ago and Hamlet found his skull and he thinks, Gee, this is what life is all about? I knew this guy when I was a kid and he made me laugh and now all that is left is a disgusting skull.

"To be or not to be" is when Hamlet wonders whether life is worth living because it generally sucks.

I guess the point I'd like to make is that life has all sorts of challenges and that CDing can both add and subtract to it, depending on how you deal with it. Huh...I guess I am full of sh*t because I am in the same situation (37 w/family) and am fumbling through this world myself. I have so damn much fun, looking through my pictures and posting here and such...then have occasional feelings of paranoia and guilt--only to let Dana out again and have a ball. Then guilt and paranoia...quite a circle of emotion. Again and again.

That probably doesn't help any. But at least I"m not alone in this. Thanks for the post. There were some wonderful and inciteful replies.

[cin28]

WOW! I think I just got a dose of why I should post here more often. In all honesty it wasn't a great day when I originally posted. I was venting and needed someone to listen so I let it fly on the board - and BAM! There you all are...

I thought this might get a read or two, but who would want to reply to someone blowing it out? right? Thank you for the perspective. Thanks for the words. I'm a bit better now :-)

Thank you.
Cin

[Brina Halloween]

Glad you feel better and wish I had a family to worry about . It is definitely a deep, serious issue. A few thoughts. First, I agree on the purging,,,,I only got rid of stuff I thought I didn't want...you guessed it. Second, 11 years go I saw a couple guys dress for a Halloween party at a bar and I never forgot it. I bought stuff on the internet and even took pictures of myself once. When a friend had a party and dressed for it, I finally got the nerve to dress and go in public (not trying to pass). We need to acept ourselves and not worry overly about others. I think many I know suspect I liked dressing for Halloween too much but, oh well. Third, I would hate much worse to be an alcohic or druggie in front of kids. How many success stories include being an addict to any substance?

We all make decisions and lve with them. Mine was to where wedges when going to dinner tonight. Think it through, decide what will make you happy and proceed. If the SO does not know....I wish you luck and good decisions.

Last, Bev definitely makes a lot more sense when I read her posts. I'm probably not qualified to answer when compared to her.