going out and meeting the public

[wendy68]

I wanted to ask how other girls here were able to work up the courage to finally come face to face with the public in your areas. I live in a small town and once a week on a weekend night"late" , go for a drive to a destination like a park or a large lot to go for a stroll but people are not around. I would love to just let go of the worry but in the town I live in everyone knows everybody and me being a counselor in the community, well it could get complicated. My wife is supportive of me and knows that I go out to the extents Ive mentioned but I wouldnt want to put her in any uncomfortable situations. She is ok with the cding but I know she has limits and I respect them.One night I almost got the courage up to go through a drive through to get a bite to eat but backed off at the last minute.Ive noticed that since I have embraced this part of my life more fully , I have become much more daring.Six months and prior I wouldnt have even considered going onto the back porch. I would very much like to hear from other girls on the forum their ideas on this matter--lots of hugs and thanks--wendy

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i don;t have an easy answer ....the only answer is u just have to do it.

maybe go to a hotel...also many girls go to the next town over where it is unlikely you will run across someone u know..

[Nicole1]

The longer you dress, it seems the more that you want to go out publicly. I started by going to the local Triess meeting; not exactly public, but at least it was out. Then recently went to a public restruant with another CD Group. It was great. Can't wait until the next opportunity. Will be going on a cruise next month. I am hoping to get an opportunity to walk around the ship, at least on deck at night.
Try finding a CD group near you and then make some friends. There are usually some that venture out and you can join them. Just not too close to home!

Hugs

Nicole

[wendy68]

Thanks Michelle and Nicole, they are great ideas. going to another town sounds like a good idea and also the idea of a cd group but I dont know of any in my area. Ive tried some internet research but so far no luck. Ive heard that a group has been possibly been formed in the area but I dont have access to he source I heard this from any longer. I will keep trying.--thanks wendy

[Sara Jessica]

I live in OC, part of a suburban megalopolis connected to LA by countless lesser cities. Despite the fact there are millions of people in OC and the odds are extremely low that I'd run into anyone I know, I will not go out here. I hop to LA or SD county to lower the odds even further. And all this on top of the fact I doubt I'd even be too recognizable in girl mode. Just being a little more prudent about the situations I put myself in.

Sounds like you are in a smaller town, perhaps with acres of space separating one town from the next. My SD trips are a good 90 miles one way. Do you have a major city that is in driving distance? If so, that'd place you as a face amongst the masses. Just a thought.

[Carol A]

Hi Wendy,
Oh how well I know that small town feeling, my life and wife are just like yours. She doesn't know and I will never tell but like you I go out when I can. She was in Germany for two weeks and I was out every evening after supper. I went everywhere but not in my home town to another 30 miles down the road. Walked the malls, shopped and never once had a run in with anyone. Once you feel comfortable with yourself it is so much to be out and about.

[yms]

Hi Wendy -

Going out in public is something I have a lot of experience with. I started ten years ago and do so regularly - 2 or 3 times a week.

I think the issue you bring up of living in a small community is an important one. I live in a residential urban neighborhood and I don't walk around my small city at all. I drive to the surrounding areas and the odds of running into anyone I know are small, although it has happened.

My neighbors by now have to suspect something. I know I have been observed coming and going. But there seems to be a "don't ask don't tell" mentality and no one has reacted negatively towards me. It just doesn't get discussed. I am not an in-your-face-person about my crossdressing.


And I know other crossdressers here who feel the same way. They are comfortable being out but not in their own communities. Especially in your case, where you are a counselor. Your reputation has to be above reproach. One friend of mine is a parish deacon.


As for actually doing it, I found that I got tired of dressing up and staying home. I had to take it to the next level, or why bother at all.

A trick I learned from a friend was to do some small things first to get yourself out of the car but that don't require being too close to people. Stop for gas at a pay-at-the-pump, use an ATM. Once you realize that the sun doesn't stand still in the sky, people are too wrapped up in their own stuff to look up (they're all on their cell phones anyway) and mothers aren't whisking their children off the street, you'll start to relax.

Don't overdo it on the first day. Take baby steps.

I hope you can go for it and it works.

Yvonne

[wendy68]

Thanks to all of you for the great ideas. Im definitely trying them soon and I have to agree with you yvonne with the "baby steps"approach. thank you so much--wendy

[KimberlyS]

I live in a small town here also about 3,000. I do not CD in town. Get out of town and away from those you know and that know you. My attitude when I start out was that it did not matter what others thought as I would never see them again. Pick a safe public place like a mall during a slower time and just do it. Start with a slow walk through the mall. As you relax and get more comfortable check out a few stores.

[Melanie R]

The longer you dress, it seems the more that you want to go out publicly. I started by going to the local Triess meeting; not exactly public, but at least it was out. Then recently went to a public restruant with another CD Group. It was great. Can't wait until the next opportunity. Will be going on a cruise next month. I am hoping to get an opportunity to walk around the ship, at least on deck at night.
Try finding a CD group near you and then make some friends. There are usually some that venture out and you can join them. Just not too close to home!

Hugs

Nicole

We have a large group going out October 30 on a cruise where our group of 50+ will meet and educate 2000+ other passengers.

[shannonsilk]

There are some good suggestions here. Buying petrol or something at a drive-in is a good start. Going farther away from home, so that even if they catch on to the fact that you're a guy, they don't know which guy is a good idea. At the beginning I liked going to KMart or Sears, which are big stores but with few people in them. If you freak out you can just go down another aisle. I think the mall is scarier, 'cause you have to walk close by others.

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Hi Wendy,
I know exactly how you feel. I always just dress up at home,but this week,I ventured out In NJ last Sat night. It was just a walk to the river and then on Monday night after I left work, I drove the first time dressed. It was dark but it was a start. Living here in the Philly area which is pretty big,I won't go out in broad daylight because I know way too many people and you never know who you might run into.like others said,just take baby steps and one day at a time.

Felicity

[Jenna Lynne]

I think most of us have been there ... peeking out the door to see if there's anybody on the sidewalk, ducking back inside, etc. I spent years twitching while standing just inside the front door. It was miserable!

What I used to tell myself (it worked sometimes) was, "Honey, you're not gonna get any better looking if you stay inside."

To me, there are two factors at work here.

First is, are you doing a halfway reasonable job of looking acceptable? Do you know how to style your wig? Is your stubble well hidden? Does your outfit fit, or is it all bunched up?

If you're okay with all that, then you get to progress to factor two: What exactly are you afraid of? I can think of at least four possible answers. Maybe you can supply others.

1) Afraid of getting beaten up (or arrested and then beaten up in jail). A real fear, but it does get blown out of proportion in our minds. There are ways to minimize the risk.

2) Afraid of being spotted and recognized by people we know. Again, there are ways to minimize this, such as going to a different town (though with gas prices today, that option is looking less sexy).

3) Afraid of being laughed at. Internalized shame is a potent form of social control. No easy answers, but you can work on this one with a psychologist.

4) Afraid I might like it too much! And a related fear: I might like it so much I might actually want to go to bed with a guy! These are at least as potent as shame, in my case anyway. But again, a psychologist can help.

***Jenna Lynne***

[Mitch23]

I have no problem with going out dressed and meeting the public face to face. I do not do it in my home town which is also small - mainly to spare my wifes feelings. I have many friends in town and they are all highly supportive. I have also been out with my mainly female work colleagues on 3 occasions now and none of them seem to have the slightest problem.

Don't wish to boast but for me it isn't a big deal now and i can just get on and enjoy the experience - and the more you do it the less of a big deal it becomes

mitch

[Sandra Dunn]

Any time you can go to a city and meet other crossdressers, go and ask for their help. The biggest , the biggest thing is to try and learn all you can about how women behave and act; all the little things they do. Next time you're in a larger town that has large department stores, not Sears, the upper end types, go and ask the make up people about make up like your colors. If you can find a MAC line go there , The MAC co. sponsors aids research. Once you get the walk, the ATTITUDE, make up and dress style down to where you feel good in it; then step out. As long as you are not recognized as your male self your doing great. Most of us are recognized as a very masculine woman. It's all in the ATTITUDE, "I am and you deal with it" type of attitude.

[Sandra Dunn]

One more thing, don't be afriad of plucking. It really does open up the eyes and there are other areas that you may find that plucking creates a more desirable look for the face.

[trannie T]

I too live in a small town and do not go out there except on International Crossdressers Day, October 31. I go in to the city and am comfortable dressing there, it is only a matter of time before I run into someone from my little town when I'm out but I shall deal with that when the time comes.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I will walk outside my neighborhood after dark dressed up, as long as I am dressed people don't recognize you as a man, they see a woman, the lights and shadows conceal you more at night. So I would say try in your neighborhood at night, I don't think anyone would notice.

I do walk while dressed in a park in Allentown during the day, as long as you are shaved close and wear wig and forms, most people don't notice you other than as a woman walking. It helps if you walk like a woman and have mannerism's of a woman. My dead giveaway is my voice, so I try not to talk to anyone.

I have tried shopping once or twice in a grocery store but due the smaller area in the store it is likelier to be spotted, but again most people don't say anything, they may stare but you get good at ignoring it the more you go out. Gather the courage and just do it. Kim say's "Just do It" Kim

[charlie]

Hello Wendy!
Ah those baby steps. I first went to a movie during the early afternoon. No problem. Then went and walked around the parking lot of the mall at night. Then went to a gay bar. I met lots of people and made several friends. Burger King at night. Now I go out to nightclubs and bars several times a month. As stated before, I am not doing this in my hometown either. I have no need for a confrontation with people that I know and would "out" me to the community I live and work in. Each step gives more confidence and the ability to walk and talk like a woman all the more. One of my problems now is turning off the short steps and leg crossing after going out for 5 nights straight!

[tamarav]

[SIZE=4]The fear of being "made" or criticized holds all of us back for way too long. I spent years driving to a destination and sitting in my car, never even getting out. I got so pissed at myself for being such a wuss that I decided to face it, head on. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]I went in one entrance at a mall and out the other entrance, walked to my car with my heart beat so loud I was sure I would attract the EMTs. Once I had done that a few times and realized that the sky didn't fall in, I went to stores and other public places and just kept going. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]As I was getting ready to retire I decided to work dressed as a hair stylist. No big deal, just go to school with 65 teen aged girls for 18 months (ne mean feat whether you are dressed or not, I was not) I worked as a guy for about a year in salons to learn the ropes then advertised in Craigslist for a position for a crossdressing cosmetologist. Since the beauty industry is typically made up of women and gay guys, shoot nobody even cared. I got a job and now work daily dressed to the nines. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]If you follow my posts you will see numerous pictures because I love how I look and still show off every chance I get. I can't keep this up forever and I want to be able to look back and be proud of my accomplishments, not regret not getting out there and doing what I really wanted to do.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]It is very liberating to dress daily, I get up early every day to think about what to wear and change maybe three or four times before I settle on how I want to look. I have since become a MAC Pro Makeup Artist and Instructor and own my own transformation studio. How much better could it get?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]I don't go out and meet the public, they come to me. they get what they see and I change my appearance every day. What is funny is that the straighest men come to me for haircuts (and color) and then tell their friends. The Mayor, Police Officers galore, attorneys, truck drivers, you name it. I do the hair of about 50% of the women that work at a casino where I love to dance. No problems there. At this point you are saying to yourself, "What a stuck up bitch!". "She thinks her poop doesn't smell" or "Yeah, but she....." or "Well, I can't......" Yes you can and I don't really care what you think of me, I love myself. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]My advice, make up your mind and do it. You are here to appease yourself, not everybody else. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]OK, ok, one more picture...51 OMG full 8-4-08 78 (2).jpg[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]Just my opinion,[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]Tami [/SIZE]

[Joanne Curl]

I find myself wanting to go out more often too. I've been out with other CD girls and it's been lots of fun. Lately however I've had the chance to go out as just a normal woman doing normal woman things. I went grocery shopping (a few communities away from my home) and I've been to the drugstore doing normal errands. Have I been "clocked"? Probably but so far no one has confronted me because I don't give them a reason to. I try to fit in and wear what the other ladies wear and do what the other ladies do. The next thing I'd like to do is to shop as Joanne. I really don't like to shop for drab clothes but I love shopping for Joanne! Joanne's clothes are so much more fun! If I could just find a good place for cute shoes that fit my giant (sized 10 1/2 in men's shoes) feet..

[Joanne Curl]

Sara,
I live in the OC too. Once you get beyond the Orange Curtain there are so many people that the chances of running into someone you know is slim. Plus as Joanne I look so different from the bald, fat guy that I am most of the time. I do make sure to go out went my family (who know nothing about this side of me) are out of town. I get to spend some time as Joanne the weekend after next and I can't wait. I think I'm going to have to buy something new!

[wendy68]

thank you all for the posts. I do feel that Im ready to take this step and the support you all have given me is wonderful. You made some additional good points too Jenna. I do have alot of fear in me but as each day passes the fear lessens and the desire increases. I dont know if thats the way it usually happens but this time in my life has been a period of extreme joy and feeling of well being. the depresson I have suffered for years has lifted and for the first time I truly feel good about myself. I know now that repressing my feelings was not the answer. I guess I dont really fear being beat up , the thought never entered my mind but you have a good point. i think it would take more than one due to my size--football player type body. Getting recongized is a real fear however due to the social constraints I live under. When it comes to appearance I feel my dressing and make up are fairly good. I can only base that on what I see in the mirror after a lengthy makeup and hair session and one time at a red light when a couple of guys in a car next to me started saying things like "check out the blonde" and "what a babe" . Both our windows were open so I heard the whole thing. i just smiled and waved and drove off as the light turned green. This was a nervous period of time but being in my car gave me a sense of security.thanks again for the advice that all you girls have given.Lots of hugs and thanks--wendy

[Nicki B]

Start, as others have suggested, by doing it somewhere other than on your own doorstep?

How about staying a night in a hotel somewhere, or finding a trans group you could visit? Going anywhere as a lone woman isn't that easy, for any genetic woman..

[sterling12]

Before I joined my Tri-Ess Support Groups, I had been out maybe three times. Once I made the decision to join, it was actually easier. I think making the commitment to be part of a group actually calmed my jitters.

It seems shallow, but my biggest concern was whether I would fit in. Would I be pretty enough? Would I be acceptable?

But, I was being very silly! Being part of a support group is not about how you look. It's about socializing and feeling some commonality with other members. Once again, it's about acceptance of yourself! (How many times will we repeat that theme?)

These days, I interact with The Public all the time. It seems that GG's often find us intriguing, and a lot of them aren't shy about coming up to us and talking. Just this past Saturday Night, a bunch of us left our regular meeting and went over to a "straight club, " where we have been frequenting for the last couple of months. It happened again! Some very nice young ladies came up to us and started a conversation. The usual's, "Why do you do this," "Are you gay," started the talk. But, very quickly we all decided that we liked one another, and The conversation got very "Girly." At First, it's a little weird to be discussing Bra Comfort with a 25 year old, but it also showed how comfortable she was with us. A little later they bring the boyfriends over, and they are competing and trying to impress us with their prowess on the Punching Bag Machine. It's cool, we all got along and I think Debbie actually outpunched them.

All and all, a very good night! We got to do some interacting with The Public, and I think a few more people will now be tolerant and more accepting. I think that a lot of small victories like this help to win The Overall Struggle.

My point? You asked about being out there and interacting with The Public. Most folks are just curious, and not outwardly antagonistic. After a while it gets to be a kick, and fun! Besides, one of the girls complimented me and thought I was about 15 years younger than my actual age. My Boyself never has gotten that kind of compliment!

Peace and Love, Joanie

PS. Joann left just a little bit too early. She's the one who usually has all the adventures! This time hanging around for just a bit, would have worked out well. Yeah, she got to go to Chicago....I got to meet up with some awesome young ladies!