How far will it go?

[ReginaS]

I am scared. Over the past few years I have gotten over much of the shame of being who I am and I am overall much happier as I embrace myself. For many years I identified as a CD. Recently I have changed to sometimes using transgender or t-girl which, to me, indicates that the dressing has more to do with the outside matching the inside than just the clothing.
I am on my 4th facial laser treatment and having significantly good results. I spent a week at a TG conference earlier this year and loved it. For the first time *ever* in my life I felt truly OK and truly part of a group.
Since then I have been having increasing desires to take it farther. Today I found myself starring at a woman's small breasts, with the thought "if I started hormones I may be able to actually have breasts like that." I have always sworn that I did not want to go any farther but what is happening to me? I feel like I am losing myself...I am so afraid...I am in between right now; not truly wanting to change to fully female but not wanting to stay male either...I do not seem to be fully comfortable in either role right now.
I have lost many relationships with wives and girlfriends largely due to my crossdressing. I am starting to see a new woman who knows about my crossdressing but I certainly do not want to tell her that I keep thinking about hormone treatments and more laser for other areas of my body.
What will happen to my work? My relationship with my family? I am scared of losing my ability to perform sexually as a male. I am not attracted to men but I am not really attracted to women either.
I am so afraid of what is happening to me. I just don't know what to do and I don't know who I am. In some ways it was easier when I was a closeted crossdresser living 99% of the time in guy mode. That was largely miserable too.
It feels like I need to make a decision to stay as a CD, or move more into TG or even TS, and find a way to accept whoever I am. It is so scary to let this stuff out. I feel so alone. I feel so lost. I feel so hopeless.

[CaRenaeTX]

Don't feel hopeless. But don't get carried away. I'm just starting my journey of acceptance of the fact it's OK to dress, it's OKAY to be Renae.

But I too wonder just where will this all lead?

As for your new love, TELL HER. Be openly honest. That way she can decide whether to go with you on this, better to say no now, then a year from now when it will hurt more, for both of you.

[Mollyanne]

Regina, Please don't let this "no where feeling(s)" overtake you. My first thought would be to seek out and really good gender therapist and start some sort therapy. After a while you will discover what it is YOU want. I think there are many really good therapists where you live but if you need some help in finding one, contact the local chapter of Tri-Ess. You have alot of friends here as well as "sisters". You can write me any time should you ever need a shoulder to lean on!!!


Mollyanne

[curse within]

Hard choices we all face.. I say don't make any sudden decissions think it through. I have been reading in here a lot about how crossdressing has grown and if left un checked can grow into the position you are facing ,a cross road stay male or go with the urges to become female and in the end that is your choice. I agree when in the closet it was easier to be male 99 percent of the time I went through years of that now out on my own with no wife I let it take me over and indulged myself open season on dressing . Well that was as recent as last week and now I found that my male hormones are very unforgiving and much stronger than I gave tem credit for . I have become addicted to the urges and gave in to easy. Joining here as much as I hate to say it has fueled it at first but now the male hormone now owns the majority right now so I see a lot of what my future can look like its all here ,all you have to do is look ..So Regina ask yourself is this something you are willing to live with the rest of your life with altering your body to no going back and slowly stepping out of the closet around co workers family and friends . If you have any doubts what so ever seek counsuling for not to deal with your xdressing or desires of becomeing a woman but how to deal with you life after you choose to take them steps .. It will help prepare you, if anything a doctor will not judge you or try to talk you out of your desireS but prepare you for SOME NEW AND up comeing challanges..

Good luck on your idenity battle and please keep us posted on your progress

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Regina,
You need to get a sense of balance so that you can look at your situation objectively. Is there something that you could get your teeth into for a while, something where you could maybe focus on the needs of others rather than yourself. Get your focus off yourself and put it onto someone or something else for a while. Then re evaluate how you feel. Sounds pretty much like your so absorbed with what you are doing and getting carried away with it all that you can't see the wood for the trees. Then if you still feel the same way atleast you will know that your thinking is being done with a clear head and you can take things from there.
I wouldn't say anything to your GF until your certain of what it is you want because if your confused by it all you will never be able to convey your feelings to her successfully and she's more likely to confuse the issue even more.
Take care
Bev

[Angie G]

Regina I have no wish to go beyond CD. If i had not gotten married and had 2 kid I may have done it years ago. I know what you going through and wish I could tell you what to to but I can't All I can say is go slow and look at both sides of the coin You heart will tell you what to do hun.
Angie

PS I know the way you look if you go for it you'll be a geautiful womam hun.

[toolfan_1980]

Regina, I know exactly how you feel. I just recently attended a CD/TG meet-up group this past sunday. It was my first time being dress out side my own home.
I felt a little out of place, but I feel that when ever I'm around people I don't really know. I to am considering HRT. But I need to see a theripist about that, but I don't have insurance at the moment so I'm putting it off till I can see some one about my urges. But I am however slowly progressing from a CD to a TV.
I'm epilizing my legs, chest, belly and arms (though it is painful for the first time, progress is slow), and I'm growing my hair long, learnig to applie make-up, and need to learn to do my hair .
I hope we both can find our ture selfs in the near future. GL, and take care.

[Sally24]

Many of us here have some of the same feelings as you, you are not alone. I have realized that in a different life I could be TS and consider going all the way. As it is I have dedided to enjoy the "part time girl" thing to it's fullest but that's it. But I do have a wife of 30 years that I couldn't live without and 2 grown children. Your situation is different.

Definitely if you haven't seen a gender therapist yet you really should. Mine has helped me to come to some balance with my wife and to feel more comfortable with myself. It's not an all of nothing kind of thing either. I have a friend whose on this forum who has gone to "full time girl". She's out at work and such but hasn't had anything but laser for her face. No HRT, no FFS, no SRS! It's only a one way street when you get into the SRS end of things or are on hormones for an extended period of time. You may find that you can be happy at any number of places on the spectrum.

Good luck and continue to talk with people here. It really does help.

[renee k]

Hi Regina,

I agree wholeheartedly with everyone here. Don't get caught up in the "Pink Fog" take a step back and assess your situation. Even go and get some counselling. Talk with someone who's versed in transgender issues.

Huggs,Renee

[bgirl]

I recently imploded and had to step back for awhile and take a look at who I was. What I was doing, what I wanted from life, my relationships, my commitments.
These same things come to all people in some way. We get caught up in life,the desires and all the preasure. Lose track of ourselves.
As I began to accept myself, I tried to embrace fully my emerging femininity.
Almost to the exclusion of everything else. I was so afraid at one point that I felt lost in all of this. I got caught up in the culture club. Following the well laid tracks from man to woman before I came to understand that I was not like everyone else in genderland. I was unique! My own personal mix.
Biologically a man, sexual orientation consistent with my biology, everthing else is like gender soup. Gendermutt!!! And proud of it.
I won't ever be all woman. I have never been all man. Its ok, today.
You are so not all alone.