I want advice, suggestions, support etc.

[`Kayla`]

I want to first say that I've been looking around here before I registered and waited a few days after registering before I considered posting. This is my first thread but my second posting...I've got some questions that I want to ask and a story to tell I guess.

First I started like a lot of the others here. I was about 5 and was curious as to why my Mom wore different stuff under her clothes than I did or what I'd seen my Dad wearing. In the bathroom I'd go through the dirty clothes basket and see bra's and panties and being curious, it got the best of me. So one day when I thought I was safe, I ventured into my parents room and went through my Mom's underwear drawer. I got caught wearing a pair of black lace panties, Mom caught me, and just told me I couldn't be doing that sort of thing.

Fast-forward through a few years of sneaking them anyway. I got older and bigger to the point where I could wear everything my Mom had in her closet and I didn't have a sister to raid her stuff. I'm aware of the wearing stuff without asking or having permission thing but I was only a kid and you don't even think of that respect level then. So when I was home alone I would dress in all her stuff that I could wear. I enjoyed it and I felt normal and comfortable in it, it was like the stuff was meant for me to wear just as much as it was for her.

Ok let's skip a few more years ahead. I got bigger than my Mom and very few things fit at this point which left mostly bra's, panties and hose. Now without being to explicit it came to the point that it was more of a sexual turn-on than anything else and usually afterwards I would have to rush to take the stuff back off. This has been the case up until a few years ago after being married for some time as well.

I don't consider myself to be gay or attracted to guys period. I love my wife very much but I can no confide in her about my dressing habit or whatever it is. I don't know why I do it or why I feel so much more comfort from being dressed in girlie stuff. My wife WILL NOT support this part of me. She knows I've wore a few of her things, which after finding out she threw them away. Then later I get mixed remarks about it being ok if I wear her bra but then within minutes I get a weird look from her when I admit I did have it on. I can't sit down with her and tell her the truth about what I do or why I do it. Mostly can't tell her why cause I don't know myself that I feel so compelled to wear female stuff.

Has anyone else been through such as this? Is it normal to feel this way or do I have issues that I need help with? I have always wished I was born a girl and even prayed at night that when I woke up I'd be a girl...hasn't happened yet however. How did you tell your SO and what was her reaction when she first found out? Do the SO's read this section too? If they do then I'd like to hear how they felt. I'm on the brink of wanting a divorce just so I can be Kayla when I feel that she is wanting 'out'. Some material or answers I can not post here because of fear of my wife finding this place and seeing it. I'm very much in the closet, very scared and lonely.

I see so many of you with supporting spouses and I envy you. I see many of you that are very "passable" (used loosely) and I envy that as well. Right now I'm just at the bra and panty stage again with the occasional panty hose/thigh highs. Sad isn't it?

[Tracy_Victoria]

Hi Kayla

you can only have a supporting spouse, if you tell her, many people here have partners that know we crossdress, some interact and enjoy, some have knowledge of the dressing, but do not partake or see there partners dressed and most of all, some people (sadly) yes it has cost them there marriage. However you can only do anything slowly.

It's a rare person that can throw on a dress and instantly look female.

you only presume your partners rejection, and whilst I would not tell anyone to just come out and tell there partner the TV, CD, or anything else such as a stampcollector! you can test the water, see how they feel about subjects and test there reactions to what ever you need to tell them

After 15 years with my partner, she knows I crossdress, she gives me space to do so, and yet, she has rarely seen me dressed, (3 times I believe) it's her acceptance level, some woman just don't want it, others don't mind so long as there not there, and others partake fully. however you certainly will never know until you tell her, but making it a slap in the face is not a good way to tell her, but niether is her finding out in error.

sadly the only way is to probe, and make your own call, like dressing things come slowly, and everyone has a different pace.

Good Luck

[Shelly67]

I dont think any of us really know the reasons which have led us in one way or another to crossdress . Perhaps its because we are sensative , open minded , very much aware of our own being . It is however something that may occaisionally diminish , but will never truely go away , in fact returning with an urgencey . So it has to be dealt with. Together .
I will say one thing tho . Regardless of all aspects of modern life , it is totally pointless to beat yourself up on this matter . I,ve been there ....only now have I accepted that yes I have a strong femanine side , and that I,m not like every other guy out there , that have I come to terms with me . It took such a long time for me to come out to my wife , and boy , do I regret being so scared . In doing so (after many a deep conversation and arguments at times ) we both began to accept Michelle . For my wife , the acceptance was questioned on the worry of gender preference . Was I to come out of the closet ? For me it was to in short , calm down realize I had to be truthful , get over the fact I was different and not let it get between my wedlock . i had to be a man and support my wife . Show her how much I love her . How I wished I,d done it sooner. Bit the bullet , got on with it . Even if it meant I had to arrange a time with my wife , where I could dress alone and be me . Not let this part of me get between us . It was hard , but the times chatting , crying and supporting one another have paid off . ON reflection coming out to her wasthe best thing I,d ever done .
I think perhaps ( reading between the lines of youre thread ) it,s not so much that she,ll not understand ,but perhaps the way she has already found out and needs more support.
Lets be honest here - I swear I dont think that wives find the concept of clothing the root of all evil . They may not like it , may even find it silly , or even humerous. But , what I do consider to be a big part of the problem is how a partner feels - in other words decieved , lied to , NOT TRUST worthy. sadly if only we could read each others minds.....
It all boils down to communication.
Without that then how on earth is either party supposed to continue living in such a partnership?
After all , when you take an oath of marriage , then it is supposed to be for life . Your life partner. You should be able to talk about everything.
If theres no communication , I,ll wager most wives pick up on it , think the worst , develope fear , worry , and dissapointment in theyre partnership. They simply feel untrustworthy.
It can also be seen as an insult to intelligence. This is not a solution but perhaps it,ll help you bridge any disbelief , fear , worry or anger for both of you .
Perhaps you could consider , popping the kettle on , sitting down and having a real heart to heart with her ? I dunno , I havent a clue what its like in youre household , but surely there must be a way to meet each other half way??
If you dont , then you,ll never know if any of those horrid questions could have been answeared .............

Denial is not just a river in Egypt


Good luck.

[TommiTN]

I have nothing to add to Tracy Victoria's reply except to say that you shouldn't worry about being gay. Statistically, as far as such statistics exist, only between 1 and 5% of CDers are gay. Besides if you fall into that statistic there's nothing wrong anyway; you can no more chose your gender as you can your biological sex. We have pretty much all gone through the self doubt and recrimination you are experiencing. Learn to accept yourself and you'll be much happier and integrated. I think you'll find questioning why we do what we do is futile; there are probably as many reasons for CDing as there are CDers. Here's a link to a blog you may find helpful:

http://ybatv.blogspot.com/

The blogger, a CDer herself, is on a journey of self questioning. She has yet to reach a conclusion, and if and when she does it may apply only to her. It makes for an interesting read if nothing else. Something else you may consider, and I know you're probably not ready for this yet, is to seek out a CD/TG support organization such as Tri Ess. Of, course you have the help and support of the membership of this forum to rely on also. You came to the right place. This is the best forum on the web.

[jill s]

You are not alone in your feelings or not knowing how to put them into words to your wife. What helped us ,and we are still miles apart on the TG issue, is my wife and I went to the same theapyist but separately and after a few sessions we went to see her together. No it didn't fix me or make my wife anymore accepting of it but we are closer to being on the same page now. As far as wanting to be female I deal with that one day at a time and hope I can keep a lid on those feelings. The best of luck in how ever you deal with being TG.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Kayla

Its not easy communicating with your wife sometimes I had the same trouble a long time ago

The link in my signature help a little

It should be slightly easier as its not a complete surprise

[`Kayla`]

Well, yeah she did kinda already find out but she doesn't know that I've been doing it all my life and want to continue to do so either. Without sitting down with her, I can tell you ahead of time that she will have no part of it, period. Like some have, I thought I was past it and had stopped, but after a few years of being married and being "normal" it came back. One day while sitting in the bathroom as a matter of fact. I looked over a the dirty clothes basket and there it was, a bra. I thought about it for a second and the next thing I knew I had it on and sitting and watching TV.

Then here came the rest of it and then the feelings started coming back. I don't think I'll ever be able to just dress when I want to and hang out around the house and be "me". She's never gonna accept it, I've already accepted that, but I don't like it very much. I have the understanding that you get married and it's for better or worse, that you are suppose to trust your spouse and be able to confide in them. But that isn't the case here and it never has been or that is how it seems to me anyway.

I suppose the only way I'll be able to be me will be if I get divorced and then I know I'll never remarry again. It seems as though the accepting spouses are far and few between, and if you have one then you should consider yourself lucky. I can't imagine being able to have a few hours a day or a week to dress up and be "me" and having my wife actually know about it. Even if she did and we just didn't discuss it, I can't imagine having it that good either. I feel like I could be more girlie if I had her approval and her help but I know that is dreaming and dreaming big.

[valenstein]

I still have a hard time talking to my gf about it, and I still don't have a magic answer as to why I do it. What you wrote above is a good first step, I wrote down everything in my head, rewrote it, rewrote it, rewrote it..it took me a month. I couldn't even get the words to come out of my mouth, so I gave her what I wrote. What I wrote had more to do with my feelings than clothes, that all the stuff she liked about me stemmed from this person I was.

Good luck!

[Rachel32533]

Hi Kayla. Your story is no different that many others on this site. It has taken my wife many years to accept my dressing. She knows all about Rachel, and sometimes she likes her, and sometimes not. You will need to take it very slow and let your wife establish her own level of acceptance with your dressing. I know this is brutal but, It is important that your value as a spouse exceed her objections to your dressing. Be your best, treat her well and give it time. Best of luck. Rachel

[`Kayla`]

I'm pretty sure I'm not gay or atleast I've never had feelings about guys. I've always been attracted to girls.

From the first CD board that I visited and started reading, I was so surprised at seeing these SO's that were in approval and I was just sitting here with my jaw dropped. I wanted to confront my wife and say "hey look at this...what's wrong with you or what's your problem?" but I didn't. My wife is very confrontational and doesn't want to hear anyones side of anything except hers...most everything is one sided with her as you can't reason with her. If I say to her that I enjoy dressing and it's something that helps me to relax, her response is going to be to laugh and call me gay. I've spent enough time with her to know that there is just about no way to present it to her and be accepted, and that's sad.

I'm very open minded and accepting of a lot of things that other people aren't but my wife isn't that open minded about much of anything. I love her but she just so, I don't know. God I can only hope and pray she doesn't see this because if she does my goose is cooked if she figures out it's me. But I wanted to talk to others who have been through what I'm going through and I wanted to hear and see other peoples stories. I've tried ignoring this issue/problem that I have but it keeps coming back - it won't go away that is for sure.

I just hope you girls can deal with me and understand what I'm trying to say half the time cause a lot of the time I confuse me.

[`Kayla`]

[QUOTE=Rachel32533;1396195 You will need to take it very slow and let your wife establish her own level of acceptance with your dressing.[/QUOTE]

How do you think the best way to go about this would be then? I only own two pieces of fem clothing that she actually bought me, a sport bra and a girdle. I'm a heavy guy and told her that I needed them to help hold me together so my clothes would fit better. Not a total lie cause I actually thought they would help me fit into stuff I couldn't wear that I use to could. She bought them, to my surprise, but wigged out when she found out I actually wore them. Now how is that for a surprise? For her to buy me that stuff and then complain because I wore it...confused me. I really just like the bra cause I can drop some water balloons in there and bounce around the house when I'm alone, easy to take off if she comes home un-expectantly.

I know I can't sit down and just start talking to her about it, so what would be a good way to start?

[TommiTN]

Well, if you care to do a little reading here might be a good place to start. There is a book titled "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Dr. Peggy Rudd. Here's the Amazon review:

Product Description

My Husband Wears My Clothes is the first book to be written by the wife of a crossdresser. Dr. Rudd addresses many of the questions frequently asked by the wives, partner, friends and family members of men and women who cross gender lines.

From the Publisher

My Husband Wears My Clothes, now in its second edition and seventh printing, has become the number one book on the unique topic of crossdressing and transgendered relationships. The author, Dr. Peggy Rudd, describes both the positives and many of the concerns and problems faced by wives and partners of crossdressers and transgendered individuals and suggests solutions. This book is a "must read" for anyone in a transgendered relationship or anyone interested in the phenomenon of men and women who cross gender lines. This book is frequenlty the first book to be read when a spouse or partner discovers that her/his partner is a crossdresser. (italics mine) Yes, there are many women who are crossdressers!

[tricia_uktv]

Its simple, you have to tell her however hard it may be. You don't say if you have any children but if you do thats important. As for being bi, I've a theory that we are all born bi and its society that takes us one way or another. But thats just a theory.

Look into the sky and see where that takes you.

Good luck and hugs

[TerriM]

I have been married 37yrs. I told my wife about my fem side when we were married about 10yrs. Shock is putting it lightly of how to describe her reaction. To this day she has not seen me dressed. I hang some of my femme clothes in our closet. I get out about 1x a month. We very rarely talk about it. We had 3 children when I told her and have 5 now. I think if we hadnt had children when I told her, I think she would have seeked an annullment(she's very religious) I love my wife and will never leave her. The key word in my life is BALANCE. It's not easy but either is life at times.

Yours Terri

[sterling12]

Your story sounds so familiar for an awful lot of us. Early experimentation, with continuing episodes all through your life. You have now reached the stage where your twin Kayla wants her freedom. Joanie and John went through the same situation.

If you don't give Kayla some time to be Kayla, you are probably going to freak out! It will manifest itself in so many ways, anxiety, sadness, bitterness and anger, feelings of opportunities missed. As you get older and you realize that life is finite, your girlself seeks to make up for lost time.

What to do? First step is to try for honesty with your wife. You don't need magic words, you need sincerity. Tell her your story, explain to her that it's very common for things to blossom later in life, for The Girlself to start making demands. Honestly answer her questions, show her this site and encourage her to participate and ask questions. If a Support Group is near, both of you should investigate joining it. You will quickly learn how to do makeup, and fully dress, and with your wife actively helping, the process will get speeded up.

Then.....Kayla will blossom! Then....some of the best times in your life will happen. For Gurls who truly come out, attain self-acceptance, embrace both personalities, there are really no limits. In a year or two, many of us take a backward look at the process and are shocked. It's a bit scary sometimes, but so exhilarating!

Your choice Kayla. Weigh the pros and cons, and decide. Please let us know how it turns out.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Nancy (PA)]

It sounds to me that crossdressing is only one of many issues in your maraige. You say that "it's her way, or no way", in many, if not all of your situations in life. I think that you should address these overalll issues before you aggressively pursue the crossdressing scenario. Let her know that marraige is a 50/50 relationship, not just the ideas and decisions of one partner. Put the crossdressing issue on the back burner until you've attacked the overall situations.

[PrettyGiGi]

Unless your real name is Kayla I wouldn't worry too much about what you post here.

[SoJill]

It amazes me at some, if not most stories in the fact that it takes so long to tell an SO about the crossdressing...I will state it again, I would marry my husband all over again with only 1 change, I had wished he had told me in the beginning. It would have saved us both a lot of grief....We all have relationship/marital issues that need to be dealt with and that is a part of life. When my husband told me he crossdressed after 7 years of marriage, it was a shock, to say the least. Yet, it made sense and relieved a lot of fears (little things I couldn't put my finger on in how he acted at times). He told me in a letter, explaining how it began, how he couldn't control it, how much he loved me, how he was NOT gay, etc. etc.
I have been told that I am controlling at times, "my way or the highway", but you know what? We all act that way at times, even hubby.
Best advise: Sit down, take time to think, don't make it all about you. Put pen to paper, type it out, think it out, tell the truth...even if it means that you have to say "I don't know why I feel/act the way I do", at least be honest. If you love her, tell her. Let her know that you don't want to leave her or her leave you (if that is your intention).
If she bought those girly items for you, maybe she was thinking another woman is involved , we even do things we don't understand. A many of us think that another woman is involved when we find girly things in our mans wardrobe. Again, just my two cents worth. If she doesn't accept the crossdressing, at least you would have the freedom of knowing you did your best in telling her, no more hiding. If she tolorates a little, it will make life better for you. If she is accepting, what a weight lifted! Just go slow.

[Melissa A.]

It's so sad what fear does. So very sad. So many cd's(and other trans people) find themselves trapped in impossible situations because of...fear. We make this SUCH a big deal. It's just so sad.

I will speak as a transitioning TS, and also as one who will be a full time woman someday soon, and is attracted to men. I doubt I can be as eloquent as soJill, however. You may find this to be hypocritical, but I have no desire whatsoever to be involved with a man who crossdresses. It's just not something I am interested in, at all. Everyone is entitled to their tastes. Some women just do not want to experience their man as a female. The difference is, and I do have the benefit of one who thought she was a cd for years, and also, just the world I live in would cause me to make sure the man I am in a committed relationship with is not a at all trans. In other words, Honesty. If more men were less afraid to do the same, it would save alot of heartache later on. I DO understand the fear. But if there is one thing that a married cd should take away from here, if he is here to learn, It's that secrets don't work, and dont stay secret forever, usually. And if they do, they will tear you up inside. Yes, she will be shocked , and possibley repulsed in many cases. But ya know what? If I was in love with a man, and didnt see it coming(aint gonna happen! lol) I would want him to be happy, and emotionally healthy. Maybe I couldnt be there, But I sure wouldnt tell him how he must live his life, based on MY prejudices. I understand that's the ideal reaction, and that many relationships don't survive this. all I can say is, you must be true to yourself, and to those you love. It's the only way it works. The fallout is the fallout. But I do believe it's better than dishonesty, sneaking around, and/or reppression, which often leads to deppresion, and resentment.

Hugs,

Melissa

[docrobbysherry]

in MY marriage. It nothing to do with CDing. But, had EVERYTHING to do with me just silently swallowing all her crap!

After a few years of that, I became frustrated and angry. Our marriage was in trouble. Our therapist explained how I had been absorbing a lot stress, with no outlet for it.
As soon as I started objecting to her lectures, our marriage was over! I felt better, she didn't. I started being honest too late in our relationship.

If u really value your marriage, I think u should discuss your feelings with her, now. And just walk away if she starts lecturing or condemning u.

U r just as important as she is. Your needs, feelings, and how u want to live. And u must make her understand that, if u two want to stay together!

If u have children, I understand how that could make things more difficult. If u have none, count your blessings, and do what u need to do!

[chrerrywine]

Hi Kayla I'm a gg so I hope it's alright if I reply to what you wrote and I want to say I think Mistress Michelle almost said all of it . A little on my back ground so you know where I'm coming from, I was raised in a very religous family but when I got married at 17 to a drinker I no longer follow the path but still believed, I was married for 39 years to a very straight macho man lol but he passed away 3 years ago and so it was a new start for me when you don't date for 40 years you kind of forget how to do it and do it right lol. I met a man no the net and we started dating and I fell in love with him right from the start, thing went well and I thought he cared about me but something kept holding him back from making any kind of commitment and that bothered me. It was a strange thing but years ago I watched a special on cd'er and women who were with them and I thought to myself what woman want's to be with a man that wear's woman's clothing but then I seen another special (and this was while I was dating my cd but didn't know he was a cd, anyway the special was on gender identinty and I really learned about people that cd and was heart felt on what they had to go through and a lot of them on their own, I now understand what it must be like for all cd'ers . My so had 3 prior marriages and he would only keep telling my he had issues to deal with that he didn't think he could go through another marriage, finally I was ready to give up and we agreed that I should see other people,when I did see one other person he called me and said he thogut we should talk so he came up for the week-end , I was sitting at the table late at night waiting for him so sure he was just going to tell me he had found someone else but with a sad face he began to tell me how is life had been, how he had to keep purging and try not to let his wive's know really how he felt and when he did they didn't understand but they never really communicated between each other so he finally told me and at first I didn't know what to think I have been a small town girl and didn't know anything but what I had seen on tv but I love him so much it didn't matter to me, I want him to finally have a chance for Amber to be part of his life and I guess I can say I love the soft side of him,when he told me he bought me a book called (My Husband Betty) and I read it and it was very interesting , I hate to see you think of divorce without trying to talk to your wife some how about how you feel, my so and I did a lot of writting to each other because when you get a letter it's hard not to read it and have to know how someone feel's you can't argue with them because there not there you just have to read and figure out what you want to say, sometimes putting it down on paper it so much easier, I guess you try everything to make something work out, I feel for you but please remember she might be scared too,she only knows you like woman's clothing but you need to tell her why, you say your not sure why you do but down deep your know how you feel, it's not something you choose it's something that happen so you can only try to understand and maybe get a book on gender identity and read up on it yourself maybe it will answer some of your questions I know they did for me so good luck and try to communicate in any way you can before you give up your marriage, I'm so looking forward to our marriage in Fed. to know he/she will always be a part of my life Good Luck...chrerrywine

[Shelly67]

Being married to a crossdresser can have far more positive affects for the female partner too . She may find a repressed side becomes evident in areas of her own behaviour too.It can be reflective , and confidence building . It is a journey of discovery for us all - marriage , and it never ceases unless you stop talking.
It seems you need to step back , as you,ve repeatidly typed she is confrontational and not open minded . Those channels of communication are closed right ? Then you,ve taken the first step asking for help here . I,d go further - see a proffessional alone at first , then hopefully together. If you cant do I,d advise perhaps reading My Husband Betty , by Helen Boyd.
Both of you . A gentle step in the direction of saving youre marriage , because you cant keep going on like you currently are - can you ?

[Jenna Lynne]

Here's a link to a blog you may find helpful:

http://ybatv.blogspot.com/

The blogger, a CDer herself, is on a journey of self questioning. She has yet to reach a conclusion, and if and when she does it may apply only to her. It makes for an interesting read if nothing else.

Interesting reading, yes ... but awfully negative! You can read a brief response at http://jennalynne.wordpress.com/whos-on-first.

***Jenna Lynne***

[`Kayla`]

This seems much more complicated than I originally thought it was. I'm sitting here thinking of why I actually like to dress in womens clothing and I can't really decide why. I know I like the look and the feel but there has to more to it than that.

I know I've always wished I'd been born a girl but I don't really know why I feel that way either. I guess maybe I think life would be easier because I have a lot of weight on my shoulders, things that maybe I shouldn't post openly here about. I know there is a slim chance that she would this but I've felt that way in the past about things and she did find out. I agree it's better for her to hear it from me than find it out any other way, that is totally right. But not trying to knock the help you are offering, I know her better than anyone else here and I've been married for over 10 years to her. We do have children and that only compounds the problem. I guess because of all the problems I have to find solutions to and I know that being a man the world is looking to you for answers & solutions, I feel it would be easier if I were a woman.

Don't know if you understand that or not...I'm trying to say that in my our life, when things go wrong it's me they are looking to for the solutions. It's me they look to for answers as to why this or that is or isn't done, why this isn't paid, what are you gonna do about this...etc. They (the world, bill collectors, etc) don't look at my wife as the one who is responsible for such - they look to me - a man.

I had taken pictures of myself wearing some stuff (God I hope she doesn't see this) and then she found them. She laughed at me and told me how F'd up I was and how queer it was and called me a lot of terms meaning gay. That response pretty much told me that she'll never understand or accept it and I will never forget the look on her face or the tone in her voice. I told her that I was mostly curious (which is true) and that I wasn't gay (which is 100% true) but nothing I said mattered, especially the truthful stuff. Maybe you see now why I've said she isn't understanding and you can't reason with her?

I say and do a lot of things, some I think through and others I don't. The stuff I think through I usually look at it from my perspective which is openly and non-judgmental. It usually lands me into some crap...like the photos. I had them hidden in my own personal stuff that she had to put great effort into finding them...why she was looking for them, I don't know.

I don't really have any desire to go out into public dressed up. Not unless I could do it and be passable to the point that I looked like a real female...and nobody would recognize "me". And even then I don't know how far I'd go with that...maybe just out driving? Then I think of getting stopped by the cops...oh boy...cause I know a few of them and that would just blow to have to pull out my license. I don't want my family to know this side of me either because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't accept it either. And feel that confronting my wife about this and telling her...she'd tell them just to try to belittle me. There is another issue in my life that she did me just this way with...wouldn't rest until she made sure my mother knew.

[TommiTN]

Kayla, I just don't know what to say here. I know what I'd do in your situation, but as we're all individuals what I would do is probably not an option for you. Marriage is supposed to be a 2 way street, for better or for worse. Yours sounds like a one way street and a possible dead end at that. I really, really feel for you! I wish I could help!