Me and dad

[Kristar]

Hi all:
First of all I just want to say that I'm not really a member of the forum. I just wanted to be able to post something under my own account and not that of my dad's.
You see, my father is a member here and he has only been aware that I've known about his crossdressing for six weeks or so. I've known for many years now. My mother told me when I was curious one day and found some of his clothing in her closet. She told me everything, but made me promise never to tell anybody about it, even dad. And I never did until I moved back home again and I thought he would be happy if he knew that I knew and that he could dress up if he wanted to. By the way, it's just me and my father now because my mother died a couple years after I found out. I have a brother and a sister, but neither one knows and they live pretty far away.
My problem is that dad doesn't like talking about this stuff to me and even though he answers any questions I have, he doesn't give me good answers. He also, naturally, doesn't let me see him dress, but that part is okay with me because I think it would be pretty weird anyway. I just want him to be happy because he is really my best friend and we can talk about everything and anything for hours on end about everything else in the world but this.
What I want is opinions about how I can get my dad to talk to me about this stuff. I have read alot of things he has written here, but I haven't read to much about what he really feels. He just tells me that this is the way he feels, but he doesn't say anything else.
I'm sorry this is long and maybe a little confusing, but I really don't want to embarrass him, because he is really very sweet and I don't want hurt him. I just want to try to understand him a little better and to find a way to talk about these things without making him uncomfortable.
By the way, dad knows I have come here and read some things and seen some of his pictures, but he doesn't really like it.
Any ideas?

[DanaJ]

My advice is to respect your father's wishes - when he feels more comfortble talking to you, I am sure he will share more of his feelings. You have to remember, he still has his 'dad' persona and that is very important to him too, and it is important to him for you to respect that part of him.

So - please be patient and respect his wishes and privacy. I am sure eventually he will talk to you more....

DanaJ

[Holly]

Kristar,

Have to agree with Dana on this. I'm a dad myself and it would be a most difficult transition to make. He's likely very conflicted in his understanding of his role of a dad and his desire to crossdress. I can understand how hard it would be to bring you into his confidence concerning this part of his life, but give him time. Let your dad know that your love and respect for him is unconditional. Let him know that you will be there whenever he's ready.

You didn't say in your post if you are a crossdresser yourself, and I suppose that it really doesn't matter. But since your mom has passed on (sorry to hear that), it sounds as if you are the closest person he has in his life right now. Treat him with compassion and understanding. Give him room to grow from his role as a father into that of a confidant and friend. Best wishes to the both of you. Feel free to PM (private mail) or email if you wish.

[Lady Jayne]

Kristar
Your dad must be very proud of you, You sound like a wonderful...Daughter? try to understand that your farther probably fears losing some of your respect, no matter how hard we try it is still difficult to believe people can Know and not Judge us in some way. Children look up to their dads in an almost hero worship kind of way, in a world where a mothers relationship with her children is almost sacrisent, mother the carer, mother the soft, mother the gentle, mother the compassionate the only thing a dad has going for him is his role as the strong protector, provider. perhaps your dad fears if you see his softer femme side you will not be able to see him as the strong farther figure.
Whoever you farther is he should be proud to have raised such a careing understanding child, the very fact that your her shows that he has done a good job of bringing you up. Dana may have a point about leaving him to open up to you at his own pace but if you feel this is somthing you need him to know I can't think of a better way than letting him see your post.
then back off and wait for him to come to you.

[DonnaT]

Welcome to the forum Kristar. To your dad, talk to your child please.

My son knows of my CDing, but hasn't asked any questions. He's only said he has no problem with it.

Kristar, here's a couple of sites you might want to check out.

http://www.colage.org/

COLAGE is the only national and international organization in the world specifically supporting young people with gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender parents.

Also:

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

There's a lot of useful information on that site, which should answer many of your questions.

[Kat]

Kristar

Your dad is communicating his wants and his needs to you pretty clearly. Bless his journey and honor his desire for space.

Educate yourself, which you're doing in a fantastic way, keep asking us questions. And do this while you give your Dad his space.

In this way you can show your dad love by really listening and responding to him - and also care for yourself through self-education.

Kat

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

Remember that you can't make anyone do anything, but you can give them the courage to help them be more comfortable. The best thing to do is what you have already done, let your father know you are supportive.

If it were me, and my dad were a crossdresser and I was not, I would probably joke and poke fun about it until he understood that there is nothing worth hiding.
'Cept for me. I'd hide from a potential ass-kicking for a while.
But I think the end would justify the means.

[Darlene.]

Kristar,

I am with you and Donna on this one. Cross-dressers spend a lot of time complaining that they would like unconditional acceptance from society. In fact some are very hard on society for being unable to supply this for them.

Yet when they have a daughter or son who wants to provide this for them they can not accept it. Your father needs to be confronted with this and accept you as you are along with your questions. It needs to be a two way street.

Now having said that he may well need time to get there, but that does not mean he should be left off the hook.

Darlene

[stephanie1000]

Well Kristar i am a father of 2 girls and although my wife knows of my crossdressing i know that it would be very difficult to let the girls in on this. You must be patient with him because many of us tend to only like become our female self in private and or under our own terms. Your father loves you and by keeping it to himself, It is his way of protecting you. You may find later on that he will open up a bit and allow you to question him about his dressing. Wife thought it was a bit wierd the first time she saw me as stephanie so don't be freaked, just be accepting. Good luck to you and your father and everything always has a way of working it's way out.

[Priscilla1018]

I agree with Dana and Holly.Let your Father have your support but also let him have his privacy.Many of us crossdressers have a hard time talking to others,especially famliy members about crossdressing.Give him time to become more comfortable with who he is and the fact that you know.I think it says a lot for your character that you are trying to learn more about him and his crossdressing.The world needs more people like you.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[StephanieCD]

Ya know... he might just read this thread and that might be enough.

I'm guessing he feels ashamed.

The advice the others have given you is good - but I see what you're asking...

If it was me I would write a very long and honest letter. I'd tell it all to him. Even the "weird" part. Be honest. Tell him you'd rather sit around and talk about it on one weird night than tiptoe for the rest of your lives.

Don't try anything weird like getting a movie about it - just be honest and then give him a lot of space. If you've already done the honest thing... I suggest getting yourself some books about it - educate yourself about it. Maybe leave them out in your room so he knows you're trying to learn. Let him come to you.

This thread is a beautiful start. You should both be proud of you.

You may also send me a personal message and I can give you my email if you ever want to talk about it. Seriously.

[michelle-jean]

i agree with most all of the rest of the people; always be honest,give your dad his space, leave a book out about crossdressing that you have read and just maby he will see it and know that you are trying to understand him and that you are not going to make fun of him.don,t do that,it is hard enough on him as it is with you knowing about his other side.just give him time.it will all be ok. after all he is still your DAD.and he does love you.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

I disagree about just making him wait for his father to be ready to talk. I'm sure it's hard to, I can only imagine. However, he has a right to try and understand that which he supports. And communication is the corner stone of our relationships--the glue that holds them together. So even if hard for dad, embarassing or difficult; I think dad needs to at least extend himself for his son. His son has done that for him, afterall!
hugs
kew

[Glenda]

I feel opposite of most of the replies posted here. I had one of my sons move back in with me for a few months. We talked about goals, what he hoped to accomplish in the future and how I would always be accepting of him regardless of his problems. If you can't turn to your family without reprisal then where can you go? I told him straight up that I lived a different lifestyle since my kids had graduated and moved out on their own.

I must admit that I didn't immediately start crossdressing in front of him. Then one day he was catching a flight, I dropped him off at the airport and returned home to prepare for a night out with a couple of girlfriends. About the time we were getting ready to leave, he called on my cell and told me that all flights to his destination had been cancelled and asked that I come pick him up. I said of course but had been planning on going out so please don't be surprised when I show up.

Since that day, I decided it was my home and I should not feel ashamed of anything I chose to do. He has been accepting. Come on Dad. If you want your kids to be honest and open with you then you should provide them the same respect. Double standards do not help with trust issues. I think it is obvious that your daughter loves you. Show her how much you love her.

[Sharon]

Kristar,

I'm sure your father understands and appreciates your efforts to discuss these things with him. I have a feeling that Holly may have hit the nail on the head with her supposition that your dad may be afraid of altering your father/daughter (you are female, aren't you?) relationship. With your continued patience (and occasional nagging), I'm pretty sure he'll find a way to open up with you a little more as time goes by, if it hasn't begun already.

Hang in there with him and just continue being the same wonderful daughter (? ) you have apparently been up to this point.

I also imagine your father is both very proud of you and a bit miffed, so don't mind him if he manages to get you banned from the site. =)

[Mandy Salamander]

Hi Kristar, just show some patience, dear. Six weeks is nowhere near enough time for dad to make the necessary mental adjustments, but feel assured that eventually it will happen, Please DO NOT NAG, DO NOT PUSH, PRY OR ARGUE. just keep it light, offer encouragement and support, but always keep it out in the open and let dad deal with his feelings his own way. In time he'll let you into his world and when he does it'll feel like the greatest thing thats ever happened in the history of the universe for the both of you. Believe me, I know, my ex-wife outed me to our daughter, (now 20) just over two years ago, she is without a doubt, my biggest supporter, but it took some time to establish our new relationship and there are still places she cannot go, example; though Brit has seen me dressed completely, and we've even been out together (twas her idea, and an altogether bizarre experience) she has only seen the finished product, never the work in progress, it still wierds me out, but I'm working on it. Show your love, it will be returned. Also, do feel free to PM, IM or Email anytime,...DAD TOO.

[sarah]

I,m with Kew on this one all the way.....