I am so done

[JaytoJillian]

My marriage has been on the skids for the longest time (well before my admission/confession/spilling the beans about CDing). The question is how to know when you're really done. I am happiest when she's away, and walking on eggshells andfull of dispair and dread when she's around. I have totally withdrawn emotionally, but the daily insults hurt. Being told that I should be ashamed of myself, that I have real problems, etc. This usually happens in front of my child, or on the phone at work, so I feel powerless to fire back. I know for sure that if I leave, she'll out me to my friends and family. However, I am begining to care less and less about that fact. I am by no means an innocent bystander, but I DO feel like I am the sane one here.

Totally sad,


Jill

[Nicki B]

My mom always told me love is not when you can live with someone, it's when you can't live without them? IME, that's very true.


I know a couple (one is TS) who have split up more times than I have fingers - but each time they find themselves back together again, so they obviously have something, as well as a lot of anger..

[fun4metoo2004]

It sounds to me like you have made you mind up to split. You don't deserve to be insulted, or abused. Call a lawyer and get it done. No one said it will be easy, or painless. It will get worse before it gets better, the important think is to remember the child is the important part.

Once you do that you can get on with your life. Don't be ashamed, I think you look fantastic. I am very jealous.

Me, I stuck out my marriage for as long as it took to get custody of my child. He is 18 now, and I have been divorce for 11 of that.

Have not found a love interest yet, but, I do feel so much better for doing it.

Good luck

[Megan72]

Jill -- I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know where you are and I am there as well. Please keep it amicable and try to not hate. it is not easy, but it is best.

[docrobbysherry]

It sounds exactly like my marriage. She kept talking and demanding and puting me down. After therapy, I found out I was building up tremendous resentment by not fighting back. ( For the same reasons as u.) Taking the therapist's advice, I stopped taking her crap. But, I got huevos too late. She couldn't handle it. Our marriage was soon over. If there's any love left between u two, I can recommend therapy!

As far as her outing u, she probably will, and blame that for your breakup!
I think u have two directions u can take; come out first, or just deny it!

U seem like such a nice person, I hope u come thru this difficult time OK. Remember, everything passes with time!

[Holly]

So what is the source of your wife's anger, Jill? I don't condone her methods and certainly having discussions about your's and hers relationship in front of children is not at all appropriate. Perhaps remembering what it is that attracted you to her in the first place and working from there? And, as you said, "I am by no means an innocent bystander..." So what would you change about yourself to improve things? If there is to be any change, you need to start having some honest (and hard) discussions. Whether it means you stay together or not, the air needs to be cleared. Best wishes.

[Amy Hepker]

Hi,

I am sorry to say That is exactly what I went through with my X-Wife. She told me she was going to tell everyone, so I went out and told my best friend and I told her that I was telling people, she about died. She was saying it to get me to quit, she did not expect me to tell anyone, then she was so embarassed to be around him. You see my friend said "so you are my friend" he did not care. You might be surprised at the results from telling people.

But anyway back to her. The thing is how long can you take being put down for something that is only hurting her. You want to know the truth, she is the one who needs a therapist, not you. That is if she wants to keep the marriage together. She is just trying to get you to quit. Are you going to quit??? Can you quit??? For how long??? I am sorry but you are going through a living hell, I have been there I know.

You have to make your mind up about what you want. I do know it is a matter of seeing your child grow up and paying child support. There are a lot of things to think about, but you are not crazy, you are human and she is treating you like, well I can't say that. She is just trying everything she can to get back at you and she will keep on unless you do exactly what she wants.

The choice is yours and it is not easy. You can tell her you will go to a therapist if she will, and you pick the therapist, don't let her pick, you make the call, don't let her. You tell him/her that your wife cannot accept you and your CDing. If she tells him/her that you want to dress like a girl and need help, then you will be in for a bad ride.

[lisa_vin]

Hi Jill! I know exactly how you feel!!!!!! The insults, screaming, ugliness, humiliation and threats of divorce had me in the most depressed state of my life. The passing of time seemed to ease all of that but it left us in a state of uneasiness, unhappiness and stagnation. Seeing a therapist is what saved our marriage. In fact, my wife is the one who insisted so I made a point to choose one that listed cd/tg issues as one of their strengths of experience. I also made sure the therapist was a female for both of our benefits.

We now reside at the grudging acceptance/tolerance level.....obviously light years from where we were. She "understands" my cd'ing need but doesn't like it. I can underdress daily as long as she doesn't see it but only fully dress when neither she or our daughter are home.....about 3 to 4 times a month. Unfortunately, our marriage suffered irrepairable damage. We love each other but are no longer "in love" with each other. She shows visible signs of stress and unhappiness daily and I know the cause without having to ask. I, on the other hand, just cannot forget all of the ugly things she said to and about me and the way she treated me as a subhuman. I harbor lots of unhappiness and uncertainty as well. I can and have forgiven her but I can't forget and it still eats at me.

We are still married.....we have a 13 year old daughter which probably keeps us together more than anything else....but I can't see happiness and harmony ever returning so I think, in both our hearts, if it weren't for our daughter, we would both be much happier divorced. So I guess the bottom line is, "Do you still love each other......are you better together or apart.....is it worth saving and can you at least reach common ground and go forward from there"? I believe counseling will help you both decide if it can or should be fixed. I just don't think that WE made the right decision.....we let "for the sake of our daughter" dictate that! Wish I could help you more.

Hugs,
Lisa

[susan fuller]

I agree that comunication is the key. Sit down with her and try and find out what the real problem is and if it is not resolveable tell her that outing you would do more harm to your children than hurt you. If she is honest with you and you with her you may be able to work it out where you are both winners. If it is the CDing you might have her read some of the treads and she may come away with a better point of view.

[Zenith]

Jill, is CDing a source of the problems or just a convenient way to hurt you? Are you distancing yourself because of it?
Do you think if you didn't CD everything would be OK or would it be something else?

Take care of yourself...let us know how you are doing.

[AmandaM]

Take steps now to protect yourself if it doesn't work out. For instance, don't let her have access to your pictures, etc. Then if it comes down to it, she can only damage you so much.

[charlie]

When people divorce all sorts of things are spread about the other partner. Most people take it all with a grain of salt. It won't be nearly as hard as you think.

[Monica Marie]

"I am happiest when she's away, and walking on eggshells andfull of dispair and dread when she's around."

Been there Jill.. I've been divorced since December. The best nights
sleep I have had in ten years was the night she left. I love my life now
and my children live with me by choice.. Good luck to you on what looks
like hell to you now. When you get to the other side of it you will be at
peace.. My ex still tries to push my buttons.. I have let her go so she no longer hurts me. You are beautiful. Do not let her make you ugly with her
threats.

xoxo,
Monica Marie

[Celeste]

It really sounds bleak.I don't think I could trust her with anything further.With the threat of being outed by her looming, it has to be nerve racking.Maybe try not to make any permanent decisions while rattled and consider your little one first.

[PamelaTX]

I don't know what to say, except to say that I'll pray for you. I do think that communication is the key. It seems when couples stop communicating, because either one or both spouses refuse to do so, that things go bad very quickly after that.

I wish you the best.

[Drucilla]

I am truly sorry that you find yourself in this place. It's going to be tough but if you decide to leave , you will get through it. Just don't be naive about how vindictive a spouse can be in this situation. Expect a long, ugly fight over every aspect of the divorce. Good luck and hopefully your situation will play out better than mine. In the end, if you are not happy now it will be worth all the trouble.

[JaytoJillian]

Thanks, EVERYONE for the replies, advice, support, etc. With regard to counseling, we have checked that box several times. Each time, it has ended when the counselor "took my side," or was in some way perceived as being biased toward her. But it's not just the counselors, mind you-- ANYONE who does not agree with her no matter the issue is considered to be an offender of the worst kind. My best friend no longer calls the house-- he only calls me via cell. This guy is one of the most rational, open-minded guys I know, yet he is persona non grata because he decided not to use some advice she had dispensed regarding childcare.

Speaking of childcare, part of the reason I feel that I can't leave is the fact that I am afraid to leave her with my daughter-- the insults and belittling tones are received by both of us, and I often step in when she starts to browbeat that seven-year old angel. Needles to say, this is like putting fuel on the fire, and she typically goes into a rage, screaming at me at the top of her lungs. She has put her hands on me inappropriately, and when I tell her to stop, she taunts-- in 17 years, I have NEVER gotten physical with her during an argument. I was raised right, thank God. My mom also raised me to place happiness at a premium as long as yours doesn't come at someone elses expense (I don't flaunt my CDing in front of her. My clothes and accessories are not kept in the house, aside from my makeup stash, LoL). Yet I have stayed in this marriage year after year for all of the wrong reasons. I was ready leave after a year when she had a TOTAL meltdown about me wanting to get together with a few close friends (all guys) to send a buddy off to war by hoisting a few beers in his honor. I didn't stand up for myself and I didn't go to see him off. Luckily that friend didn't come home in a bag. I would have never forgiven myself for not standing up to her.

I have had the pleasure of serving my country in some fairly hairy places, and as a result, I don't sleep as well or as much as I should. Part of me is still "over there." However, I dont see bad guys around every corner, I dont typically have nighmares (that I remember) and I dont have any problems with society in general. Nonetheless, she has "diagnosed" me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-- no, she is NOT a doctor of any sort, nor has she studied psychology beyond the same basic college courses that everyone who chooses to go to college gets. During arguments, I usually try to break contact, and she follows me from room to room screaming things like "you PTSD a$$h0le!" I find this funny because I know how calm and relaxed I am by nature. It takes quite a bit to set me off. And even if I were some stereotype of a "crazy vet," I know that I deserve better than that.

It's almost as if she's trying to make me think I am nuts. Please keep in mind that this was happining long before I got in to CDing. "Jill" was born in the summer of 2006, and my wife didn't find out about her until 2007, when I confessed to this unique hobby. "Confessing" is one of the few things in my life that I regret, and that's a very short list. Perhaps I created Jill to make up what I was missing in my life-- a loving, fun woman who is understanding, caring and sweet. Those are some of my basic rules when I am en femme, and I make it a point to never be rude or bitchy when I'm out and about.

I'm about out of steam, but I totally feel better about being able to share what's going on. Thanks again for listening.

Jill

[ReineD]

Stand up and take care of yourself now! I was a doormat all of my married life. I became stronger too late. Today I lost custody of my son. He will move on Sunday 2,000 miles away to be with his father. I do not know how I will live without him.

[DanaR]

It is time to see a lawyer, get custody of your daughter. It sounds like your wife has some problems.

[Fab Karen]

What feels best is a good gauge- if you have daily stress, dispair & dread around her, it probably is a sure sign that it would be bad to continue. As they say, insanity is doing the same thing over & over & expecting a different result. Letting go of a relationship can feel quite hard, but after you do it, there comes a sense of relief.
As someone else suggested, talk to your friends about yourself first. Any that would walk away from you because of it weren't friends to begin with. Of course get some legal help ( & discuss how your wife is with the child ), but there are people here you can talk with about the emotional aspects.

K.

[Jonianne]

Jill, I hurt so much for you. I have been there.

Get in therapy for your own sake. You have got to be able to take care of your daughter and yourself. You and your daughter do not deserve abuse of any type.

My ex also threatened to tell everyone and probably did. So I ended up telling the most important people in my life and that part worked out just fine. The next time she threatened me to tell someone, I told her I already did. That put an end to that.

Leaving was one of the best things I did in my situation, because it wasn't long before both my boys came to live with me. It was so good for them to have a place of peace for the last years of their high school.

Share your heart when ever you need.

[karynspanties]

If your happy when your not around her and miserable when she is around. It's time to leave. She is going to out no matter what. It is what it is. Lawyer up and start moving on with your life. Life is too short to spend it with someone like that. And using the kids as a reason to stay is a cop out. They know when mom and dad are having problems, they are not blind. It ends up causing more problems for the kids. Move on.

[paula jessica rains]

i am going throw the same thing as you like take last night i am at work and my soon to be ex-wife pulls up and says you killed my husband now i have no one and if i decid to become jessica full time and become the woman i know that i am i well destory my daughter like i did paul, is who i am when i am at work because they frown on my life chose but its for a while long enough for me to get the funds i need to get the reasighnment surgery all i did was let her vent i am pround of who i am and when my daughter is older then 9 years old i well tell her the truth about me until then grils my sisters pray for me and i well do the same..............love your sister jessica rains

[gagirl1]

Being told that I should be ashamed of myself, that I have real problems, etc. This usually happens in front of my child, or on the phone at work, so I feel powerless to fire back. I know for sure that if I leave, she'll out me to my friends and family. However, I am begining to care less and less about that fact. I am by no means an innocent bystander, but I DO feel like I am the sane one here.

Totally sad,


Jill

being the product of a broken home with a gay father, i can somewhat understand what your children may be going through. just be kind to them no matter what. take care of them and they will look past whatever they consider strange and just love you for who you are. my father came out in the 90's when it was still taboo. i lost many friends over it, and me and my father lost touch (not b/c of that, but other issues), but i always knew he loved me. it's hard for a child to grow up in a household that is so different from the norm. show them care and love and they will never forget that. if your marriage really is over, and i'm incredibly sorry about that, believe me, then all that's left is the kids. i stress this to anyone who is getting divorced: it's all about your kids. they are the most important thing you could ever hope to do in your life. i know you'll do the right thing. when they grow up and understand, they will appreciate you more than ever. they will realize the hardship you went through on top of raising them. much hugs and kisses to you, i truly hope everything turns out for the best.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Jay,
Im very sorry to hear that. It is always very sad when a relationship comes to an end because invariably you have been through such a lot together and you have so many memories.
It is always very difficult though for people to advise on forums because they only have one side of the story and even if we did have both, we are not marriage councellors so would be daft to even attempt to do so.
I have seen things from both sides of the coin and it can be very difficult from both perspectives whatever the problem might be. Like Nicki has very wisely pointed out, sometimes you can't live with them but neither can you live without them.
I have been through very testing times with my SO and mostly related to CDing. The amount of deceit and heart ache is sometimes almost too unbearable to deal with especially when you want to support them but are kept out of certain areas and lied to. But hey if you love someone enough to accept them unconditionally then you carry on and give it your best. I guess if they went too far you'de lose self respect and maybe then its time to re evaluate things and seriously consider your options. Sounds like thats were your at now. I wish you well and hope that you come to the right decision for both of you.
Bev