Shame or Embarassment?

[Cathytg]

For years I have seen stories - mine included - wherein CDrs talk about overcoming the shame of dressing. At the risk of sounding like I am splitting proverbial wig hairs here, I would like to suggest a different word.

If I am ashamed of something, I feel that I have done something wrong which usually means that I ought to do something to "make up for it". Goodness knows, I have been there with dressing for a great many years when I thought that I must be a very bad person to so violate the laws of God and my Catholic Church. I think that clothing purges were a result and became my way of "making up for it". Kinda silly but I was a mere child of 40.

On the other hand, if I am merely embarrassed, There is no burden and I can simply put it aside. That is how I can feel now about my dressing. I would rather not be exposed because I would feel awkward unless I remembered not to be which I can do. But there is no guilt and, therefore, no shame. I can spill coffee on myself and be embarrassed but certainly not ashamed.

Shame has a long life span but embarrassment lives only in the moment.

So, I wonder how many times we used the word shame when we really meant embarrassed? They are just words but they imply a huge difference in the way we feel about ourselves.

[RobinScott]

Well said! I dress as an expression of who I am. I have no reason to be ashamed of who I am.

We all strive for acceptance, and have a fear of how others may react. But the more comfortable I am with the true me, the less the opinion of others scares me.

Love to all,
Robin

[Kimberly Long]

AGAIN WELL SAID:
I have been dressing off and on all my life. I have purged many times and regret it soon afterwards. I have been out and about and the acceptance level has been very good. Yes I have seen embarassment moments but you learn to live through it. Ashamed No I have never done anything to hurt another. I know who I am and know how to live with it. I always act like a woman

[Jonianne]

Hi Cathy,

For me, embarrasment is what I feel when I have done something in front of people, that I believed was either dumb or wrong. Embarrassment always involves someone else.

Shame on the other hand can be just with self. When I first dressed at age 7, I kept it hid because of the shame I felt, not embarrassment - no one else knew.

Shame is a feeling that is taught. We can feel a sense of shame with something that has happened to us that is not our fault. Some people wrongly feel shame due to a physical deformaty they may have. Others may have shame about their bodies because they think they are overweight, or so they believe.

There is genuine shame when we have actually wronged someone and there is false shame that we were taught. It took me nearly 8 years of therapy to get past the deep false shame I had for 30 some years. Because of my fundamentalist background, I very nearly went insane (no joke).

So for me, it was the horrible feelings of shame (albiet false) that crippled me for so long. And it is wonderful to have overcome those feelings through receiving the love and acceptance of others that were a conduit of God's love, when I could not believe that God loved me.

[victoriamwilliams1]

I get embarrassed when I realize I had my slip showing and no one told me or when waling my heels and I seem to lose balance. People have a way to make us feel embarrassed and I have learned to deal with it.

[Cathytg]

People have a way to make us feel embarrassed and I have learned to deal with it.

Yes, they do. I wish I could always live the statement" Nobody can make me feel anything. Only I can control how I feel." Well, it's a goal.

[Karren H]

I don't know.. I think when my wife wound out I was more embarased than anything.. For doing something that she had no knowledge and didn't approve...

Can't say I've been ashame.. Maybe when I was younger... But once I accepted I like to do what I like to do and there was nothing workng with that.. There was nothing to be ashame of!!

[cdmindymi]

Two good points of view. I had always view as embarrassment as a lesser degree of shame. After reading this post I will have to rethink that. My first though, Joni is right that we don’t need someone else involvement to be ashamed, but if you think of it further as in shame is taught to us, so then someone is involved. Even at the age of 7 and dressing, you could imagine what you mom would say if she caught you. How many times growing up were we told “shame on you”?
Cathy has a good point in saying when we are ashamed we try to do something to make it right, while embarrassment usually is cause by a situation that can not be replayed.
For me I would have to take it to the bottom line and ask myself, if I was outted and everyone knew including my kids that I was a crossdresser would I be ashamed or embarrassment? O my! My first though is relived; I wouldn’t have to hide anymore. It would be their problems not mine. Maybe I am starting to accept all this. But it didn’t answer the question, and I am not sure.

[PamelaTX]

For me, neither shame nor embarrassment is a strong enough word. I've been embarrassed a lot and ashamed a lot, but the way I felt about the desire to crossdress was many times more intense. I literally thought I was going crazy. Neither shame nor embarrassment would make me feel like that.

And from what I've been reading here, I was one of the "lucky" ones. I've been able to lead a relatively normal life without any catastrophes or disasters, at least so far. There are many people who can't say that.

Lots of love to all of you.

[Cindi Johnson]

Most of us start out in life ashamed of being TG because so many of our "wise and holy leaders" denounce us. After all, their so-called "Holy Book" condemns us. Only later in life do many of us realize these leaders are neither wise nor holy.

Nowdays, I am proud of being TG. I know that when I'm out dressed, which I am most days, some guys read me and wish that they had the cohones to dress as I do. And that some GG's read me and are amazed at how well I look, or wish they had my figure.

Shame and pride are two sides of the same coin. I'm TG..., so what?? There's no reason to be either ashamed or proud of it. It's just what I am. Still, I enjoy being proud of my crossdressing. It's a lot more fun than being ashamed, than hiding.

You're right on about the difference between embarrassment and shame, yet neither should apply to us because of our crossdressing.

Cindi Johnson

[laura.lapinski]

I guess I've lived a lucky life too. Never been caught yet. If I was, I know I would be extremely embarrassed, possibly bordering on shame, but only because I was caught. I feel no shame with myself for doing this. If caught I would feel remorse that I have hurt others and embarrassed myself and them. After picking up the pieces, then what would I feel? I think the embarrassment would be there for years, even though others knew. I can think of one particular embarrassing moment long ago in my life, and I still feel it, although at a much lesser extent, to this day. I am very comfortable within myself about this, and have been for years. I don't think I would handle being on the out very well (especially if discovered), but even if I outted myself, which I don't plan on doing I don't think I could be 100% at ease. Is this a form of shame?

Laura

[`Kayla`]

I agree and that was well put. I'm not ashamed of what I do because I don't feel like it's wrong...it's just who I am inside.

I do however feel embarrassed because I know it's not something that is just "accepted" by the masses. I've never been one to handle being picked at or laughed at very well.

I wish God had just got it right in the beginning and made me what I was suppose to be in the first place. Then I wouldn't have this confusion and I wouldn't have had the many problems through my life that I've suffered through.

[Angie G]

I have never been ashamed of or felt guilty for dressing And never purged to make things all good again. I love be a cross dresser and don't feel in the least it wrong in any way. It's who I am and I try to be the best person I can be. I don't feel it's a sin or dirty in any way. So for those who do lighten up and get on with you life of be a CD embrace it and enjoy it we are not here long enough for all that sh-t.
Angie

[docrobbysherry]

Cathy, u can call it what ever u like. I call it, "GUILT"!

No matter what anyone says, I still feel like it's NOT normal for men to dress up like women. I wish I didn't feel that way. Maybe some day I won't, but rite now, I DO!

If I were found out, I would be both ashamed, AND embarrassed!

[Joanne f]

I can`t say that i have ever felt ashamed, i am not really sure of the feeling i have so maybe there is embarrassment due to most of my life i have always tried to make it look like i was so manly but now people know i am really girlie, it`s like all i have worked for or to prove has been a big lie so i am not sure if i am embarrassed or just annoyed with my self .







joanne

[Tina B.]

Shame has a long life span but embarrassment lives only in the moment.

So, I wonder how many times we used the word shame when we really meant embarrassed? They are just words but they imply a huge difference in the way we feel about ourselves.

When I was a small child, my father caught me playing dress up, with other kids, I had an old skirt and blouse on and a head scarf to cover my short hair, with my regular clothes on under it. He was embarassed, and after being scolded, I was ashamed. I knew I was a disapointment to my father.
It took a lot of years to figure out, I should have been embarassed, and he should have been ashamed, of his lack of understanding, He never knew just how much he had hurt his child, and it caused me to go through years of shame and guilt, just for being what I was born to be. But on the other hand, it made me a much more understanding person, that tries to never be judgemental about others lifestyles, so maybe in the end it did make me a better person, and after all isn't that what a person wants for their kids?
Tina B.
Great question, got me thinking this morning!

[valenstein]

No matter what anyone says, I still feel like it's NOT normal for men to dress up like women. I wish I didn't feel that way. Maybe some day I won't, but rite now, I DO!

The only reason I still have a few toes in the closet is to not transfer other people's perception of me onto my gf and the fact my brother-in-law might keep me from seeing my nephews. Shame comes from other people, not me.

Is it normal for guys to smack their wives around?

Is it normal to be a mouthy drunk and try to pick a fight?

Is it normal to drive home stinking drunk and almost kill someone?

Is it normal to to watch two girls at a strip club getting it on and then call someone a fa**ot?

Is it normal to beat your son black and blue because he was playing with Barbie doll?

Normal to use scripture for violence?

Normal to be mad because some black folks bought a house in your neighborhood?

It sure seems to be, I don't want any part of it.

[Anna the Dub]

When I was younger I felt shame and disgust with myself, even up to a few years ago. Slowly the realisation came over me that this is who I am, and there is nothing I can do to change it. If I reach the age of 80, I will still be a ts, will still wish with all my heart that I was a woman, so there is not really much point in beating myself up over it. I could bemoan the fact that nature played this trick on me, but where does that get me? Nowhere. So, I have decided to embrace it instead. I am fast reaching the conclusion that I don't really care what anyone else thinks about it, I only have one life and if I don't do what will make me happy, then at the end of my life all I will have are regrets. I don't want that. So, am I ashamed? No. Am I embarrassed about my desire to be female? No.

[Alice Torn]

I have had thoughts and feelings of dressing, since early teen. crossdressing, homosexuality, masturbation, ANY sexuality outside of hetero marriage, is condemned by the church, and religion, I am in. They even had a message condemning cding, recently. If anyone knew about me, I would be SHAMED!! I am not quitting the church, though, because of the many good, hopeful things promised for the next world. But, I don't go out often, as, at 6'6", too many would read me. I have never had the chance to marry a wife, or have healthy family life. Dressing up, as a lovely lady, is one way I cope with my lonliness, being deprived of ever having a steady girlfriend, or wife.

[Melinda G]

I do however feel embarrassed because I know it's not something that is just "accepted" by the masses. I've never been one to handle being picked at or laughed at very well.

Don't get me going on "the masses". People are basically ignorant. Just look at who they elect to run their government.
The problem with the masses, is that they have in their mind the eternal question, "why would you want to be a woman"? You must be gay! Of course this is wrong, for most of us. But that's the way most people see it, and you aren't going to change that perception. At least not in my lifetime. Which begs the question, "why do you want to dress like a woman"? I've been doing it all my life, and I don't know. I just enjoy it, and accept it.
Just accept that it's a lifelong thing, enjoy it, and take steps to keep it private. Stop agonizing over it. Stress kills.

[Karen_Ski]

I believe there was a time when all of us were either ashamed or embarrassed or even both by our cross dressing but for me that time is long behind me. As I emerged from the closet I came to realize that not only was Karen an important part of me but she was my essence, my inner peace if you will. Over the past 20 years as I have grown to the woman I am now those feelings of shame or embarrassment have long been replaced by those of pride and happiness. I am proud of the lady I have become, well at least in public , and happy I have the resources to live my life as I please. Don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed by who or what you are just be the best person you can be!

[Cathytg]

I am proud of the lady I have become, well at least in public , and happy I have the resources to live my life as I please. Don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed by who or what you are just be the best person you can be!

And I am proud that you responded to my thread. I love your attitude and admire your place in the world. I am drawing closer to where you are although it has taken me over 50 years. Still, isn't it all about the journey?

[Tashee]

Dressing since as early as I can remember. 1 thing stands out as I look back over the landscape of my life . Its the diligence I used in trying not to be caught or discovered. Even at that young age. Now This is what confuses me most. Why I at 3-4 would think that wearing my Sisters or Moms Pantyhose etc was wrong. What mechanism and why did the this is wrong bell go off in my head?
As we travel forward I find that most of us are kind compassionate creatures and the outside world looks to tear up anything different or what they consider different or weak. We may be different but we are far from weak.

[Karen_Ski]

And I am proud that you responded to my thread. I love your attitude and admire your place in the world. I am drawing closer to where you are although it has taken me over 50 years. Still, isn't it all about the journey?

Oh definitely it is about the journey Cathy! Isn't getting there half the fun?

[docrobbysherry]

Is it normal for guys to smack their wives around?
Is it normal to be a mouthy drunk and try to pick a fight?
Is it normal to drive home stinking drunk and almost kill someone?
Is it normal to to watch two girls at a strip club getting it on and then call someone a fa**ot?
Is it normal to beat your son black and blue because he was playing with Barbie doll?
Normal to use scripture for violence?
Normal to be mad because some black folks bought a house in your neighborhood?
It sure seems to be, I don't want any part of it.

Actually, Valenstein, none of the items u listed r "acceptable". However, u r more likely to be forgiven for any/all of them, sooner than for CDing!
And, coincidentally, I don't do anything on your list. But I DO CD! The one unforgivable sin!

"why would you want to be a woman"? You must be gay! Of course this is wrong, for most of us. But that's the way most people see it, and you aren't going to change that perception. At least not in my lifetime. Just accept that it's a lifelong thing, enjoy it, and take steps to keep it private. Stop agonizing over it. Stress kills.

Melinda, I could give a rat's behind if folks thot I was gay. But, unfortunately, CDing ranks closer child molesting, etc., in many people's minds. Many think of us as perverts! THAT is what u risk being compared to, if your CDing comes out!

If I thot the worst thing in people's minds, was that I was gay, I'm down buying my milk and bread in shorts and a halter top today!