Coming Out to Parents

[Jenna Lynne]

Doing some journaling tonight, trying to plumb the depths of my own fears, and it seems pretty clear that I'm suffering from an absolute prohibition -- dating, no doubt, from early childhood. I must never, ever let my parents find out that I like being a girl!

By now I'm 60, my father has been dead for many years, and my mother is 88. But the prohibition is still in place. I can't help thinking that if both parents had died when I was 20, my entire life would have been very, very different.

So my question for all of you is, have you come out to your parents? If so, how did it go? If not, what are your feelings around it? I think this is probably a real important question. For me, anyway!

***Jenna Lynne***

[Shelly Preston]

Well I have not mentioned it to my Dad

He is from a generation where this sort of things is not accepted

I see no reason to burden him with this especially if there is no reason to tell him

If I was TS then it may have been different

[Alana65]

I told my mother several years ago about me being a CDer, and she's very supportive. She doesn't necessarily want to actually see it, but she has told me that as long as I'm happy.......she's happy.

As far as my father goes, he doesn't know because I'm not so sure that his reaction will be anywhere near positive.

As for my brother, I definitely would not tell him. He can be very close-minded (along with his kids), and I have a feeling that I'd be ostracized from his family.

[Deborah Jane]

I,ve told my mum and she,s fine with it, but i would never have told my dad when he was alive, as there,s no way he would have accepted it.

[Dragonfly]

I never told my parents that I wanted to CD. Which is silly really, as I know they would have been 1000% supportive. They knew of my asexuality...I just couldnt have ever told them.

Now theyre gone and I live alone...well, Im pretty much free. I still wont tell my sister or anyone else who knows me personally. Let her find out when I'm dead and cleaning out my wardrobes, I'll be too dead to care.

[TommiTN]

I have considered telling my Mom. She dressed me up a few times when I was very small and later confessed to me that she got a charge when strangers commented about what a cute little girl I was. I think deep down she wanted her first born to be a girl. She knows I dressed on my own later on because I wore her things as a teen, although she never actually saw me dressed during that time. I'm pretty sure she suspects I still dress; she occasionally drops little hints about it. But I just don't know how she would take it. I'd like to think she would be OK with it. I doubt she'd support me much in it due to the influences of her own upbringing. But then I think, what if I told her and she freaked out? She's up in years now and it might just kill her. So, no. I won't come out to my Mom.

My Dad passed on earlier this year, so no problem there.

My sister would definitely NOT take it well. I love her dearly, but she is pretty close-minded and opinionated.

[Brianna1]

My mum didn't want to know even when I tried to discuss it with her though I suspect she would have been ok with it had I persisted...she rejected the notion when my first ex tried to spill the beans and after that happened I tried to say what would be so bad if I was ? I didn't try to broach the subject again. If she'd known that she was the 'cause' of me wearing her shoes when she was away my brother said she wouldn't have believed it. Not really what I would call abandonment but I was left at home when she was on holiday with my brother and sister...I stayed with my dad on the farm though I wasn't actually asked for my opinion as to whether I went or stayed. I was pretty upset when they left. All my immediate family that are alive accept it though they don't have to be faced with my dressing since we are on opposite sides of the globe. Both parents have died, Mum in 2001 and Dad in 1991.

[Jonianne]

It's amazing how no matter how old we are, we are still just kids to our parents. I had to tell my parents in a "matter of fact" way years ago because of my ex, and they took it in a "matter of fact" way. They havn't said anything about it since.

[JenniferR771]

Ya, were feel like kids with our parents. My mom would probably be accepting, but i could never bring myself to tell her, or for that matter my two brothers. Maybe some day.

[Sarah...]

I will tell my Mum, soon in fact, as it is something that will help her to understand our relationship over the years. That is, me not having accepted who I am for years has adversely impacted on our relationship. We both agree a need to sort that out and I can't do that without being honest - so I will tell her.

I have no idea how it will go but I (and my SO) am convinced t is the right thing to do, so I'll do it.

I'll let you know the outcome in due course.

Sarah..

[Angie G]

I was an only child. Both my Parents are gone now and never now I dressed. I do believe it would have been alright with them but at the time I couldn't say anything. My dad dressed and never knew I knew and I just think it would have went well with them.
Angie

[Anastacia_Sandria]

I've told my brother, but considering he's gay and has been out of the closet for years he just found it amusing more than anything else. (I've always been the "straight-edge" in my family, so this is a bit of a left-field situation).
I will never, ever, ever tell my parents. Even if I start on hormones, I will STILL never tell them. The truth is they'd probably accept it, but it would be added stress for them and something they just don't need.

[Jenna Lynne]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies! I'm still processing this.

I agree that when a parent is getting on in years, their life is stressful enough (doctor visits, their friends dying, and so on) that it's not nice to force them to deal with something so major. Especially since, as we get older, our ability to absorb and process new information starts to shrivel.

On the other hand, if I have to contort my life into weird, painful shapes just to protect Mom's feelings, is that appropriate? Do I really have to deny my essential self until Mom dies? This seems like too big a sacrifice, frankly.

What really interests me more is my own emotional process. Why does the very idea of telling the parents feel so awful? I mean, why should any of us feel reluctant to take that step? Is it because we still hate ourselves? Is it because the very first messages we got about it being horribly wrong to play with girlstuff came from our parents?

I can't remember them ever punishing me or lecturing me on the subject, but I'm sure it must have happened. Somehow I picked up the idea that they must never, ever suspect. And fifty years later, that idea is still operating in my brain every day.

Ick.

***Jenna Lynne***

[TommiTN]

"On the other hand, if I have to contort my life into weird, painful shapes just to protect Mom's feelings, is that appropriate? Do I really have to deny my essential self until Mom dies? This seems like too big a sacrifice, frankly."

I would think that depends on how close you are to her, how well you know her. How much do you think it would hurt her?

"Why does the very idea of telling the parents feel so awful? I mean, why should any of us feel reluctant to take that step? Is it because we still hate ourselves? Is it because the very first messages we got about it being horribly wrong to play with girlstuff came from our parents?"

I won't attempt to speak for others, but in my case, no. Since I accepted that I am a crossdresser, that it is an important part of who I am, I no longer hate myself for doing it. What we learned from our parents remains with us lifelong, for better or for worse. We may be able to sublimate it, but it is still there and influnces our thinking in situations such as this. My wish would be to spare her feelings, not mine.

[Rachel Morley]

Why does the very idea of telling the parents feel so awful? I mean, why should any of us feel reluctant to take that step? Is it because we still hate ourselves? Is it because the very first messages we got about it being horribly wrong to play with girlstuff came from our parents?

Hi Jenna,

I promised myself a long, long time ago that I would never ever tell a living sole of the true depth of my crossdressing feelings. I figured no matter how much they said they understood ... they actually wouldn't or couldn't. I thought it just wouldn't be worth it. When it came to finding a partner ... boy was I ever wrong about that concerning my wife! Telling her (before she was my wife) was the best thing I have ever done. Period!

However, my parents are a completely different matter. I absolutely know my mother and father very well, of course I do, and I absolutely know my mother would be somewhat ok with it, but my father definitely would not be. He is a real "man's man". He is a very blunt, opinionated, tell-it-like-it-is kinda guy, and I know he is somewhat homophobic in his attitudes by his type of humor and the jokes he thinks are funny. If he knew just how much I am into doing what I am doing, I feel absolutely sure it would impact our relationship and it would not be for the good either!

I am convinced that telling my parents is "non value-added" both for me and for them. Also, considering they live 5,500 miles away from me on another continent is also another big reason not to tell them. If we lived on the same street I might have to consider telling them it as it could make things more awkward as they would be in my daily life a lot more.

I don't believe it's got anything to do with "hating ourselves" I am well past that stage. I love me and my emotions these days and I believe openly embracing and perusing and developing my crossdressing is the best thing that has ever happened to me (not including being with my wife). I totally accept myself as a transgendered person now. I just like to be able to choose who I share my most personal thoughts and feelings with. I think its rather like our other "personal secrets" like our sex life or whatever. I don't share with my parents the details of that .... and I'm sure they don't want to know either.

[Jenna Lynne]

How much do you think it would hurt her?

Hard to say. But are her feelings automatically more important than mine???

Since I accepted that I am a crossdresser, that it is an important part of who I am, I no longer hate myself for doing it. What we learned from our parents remains with us lifelong, for better or for worse. We may be able to sublimate it, but it is still there and influnces our thinking in situations such as this.

Maybe I'm not understanding you, but I sense a subtle contradiction here. If you learned from your parents to hate yourself (because what you loved doing was wrong), and if it stays with you lifelong, then how can you say you no longer hate yourself? Isn't the self-hatred still lurking within you?

Maybe you can help me understand this.

***Jenna Lynne***

[TommiTN]

"Hard to say. But are her feelings automatically more important than mine???"

Only you can answer that. In my case I decided not to potentially hurt the person who, despite her faults, gave me so much love as a child and still does.

"Maybe I'm not understanding you, but I sense a subtle contradiction here. If you learned from your parents to hate yourself (because what you loved doing was wrong), and if it stays with you lifelong, then how can you say you no longer hate yourself? Isn't the self-hatred still lurking within you?"

My parents didn't teach me to hate myself; that came on it's own. They were merely disappointed in me; a parent's diappointment can be much harder on a child than their anger which is usually short-lived. It took a conscious effort on my part to get past the self loathing I imposed on myself (with a lot of help from peers) for something that is such an integral part of me. I came close to suicide more than once over this. Is the self-hatred still lurking? Yes, probably, but it is only a very faint and passing whisper that I ignore. I just made a conscious decision not to beat myself up over it anymore. It is such a trivial thing in the grand scheme.

Another thought: If she ever comes out and asks me dead on, then yes, I would tell her. As I said previously, I think she suspects I still dress, probably from my past history and the fact that I never married and have been unable to sustain a lasting relationship with with any GG. If she has the suspicion, then she has probably already made up her mind how she would react to confirmation.

[Alana65]

As I said previously, I think she suspects I still dress, probably from my past history and the fact that I never married and have been unable to sustain a lasting relationship with with any GG. If she has the suspicion, then she has probably already made up her mind how she would react to confirmation.

That's the main reason why I told her. I wanted her to understand WHY I'd never had a long-term relationship with a GG.........as many of you know, it's extremely difficult to find a supportive/loving GG. After telling her this, she told me it was actually a relief to her (she thought I was going to tell her that I was gay......not there's anything wrong with that). She added though, that even if I had told her I was gay, she'd still love and support me anyway.

I LOVE MY MOM !!!!

[marie354]

Sadly, both of mine are gone. Long ago. Mom when I was in my teens, and Dad in my 20's.
They both knew of my secret self and didn't approve, so I never told them how much farther that I would have liked to go at that time.
If there were still around, I'd surely tell them. But I'll bet their reactions wouldn't be good. At least at first.
But... My sister and 2 brothers are OK with it as well as most of my old friends and some new friends too.

[Caitlintgsd]

I've never told mine. I'm pretty sure that they know anyway. My dad caught me at it a few times while I was a teenager although the subject never came up.

[jennigrace]

I told my 87 year old Mom about two years ago. She was very accepting. Now we shop together for Jennigrace. Whenever I visit I can be Jennigrace while I'm there. She is the only who knows. I have to hide it from my wife, she'd never accept it

[Laura_Stephens]

Never told my parents. My father caught me once when I was very young. He beat me so hard that I ended up with bruises all over my body and a broken bone. I guess I never wanted to repeat that experience.

[Jenna Lynne]

Never told my parents. My father caught me once when I was very young. He beat me so hard that I ended up with bruises all over my body and a broken bone. I guess I never wanted to repeat that experience.

This is so sad! I want to weep for all the children who are so horribly abused. And then I want to take a baseball bat to their parents.

I've been wondering if my parents ever punished me like that. No broken bones, but severely. I have no memory of it ... but somehow I got a very clear message that it wasn't okay to want to be a girl. And I can't remember where the message came from.

In high school there were some abusive kids, but by then I had already got the idea that I should never let anyone know. And I don't think there would have been any peer group messages prior to that.

My memory of any sort of punishment is just gone. And I don't think that's a good thing. I think memories need to be made conscious in order for the emotions to be processed.

***Jenna Lynne***

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

I don't have to worry about that since both my parents are gone.If they were still around and I told them about my CDing,At first they might be taken back a little,ask me why and then accept it.

Felicity

[Ballerina]

Well, being 23 and still living at home, I still have the option of telling my parents. But, I don't think I ever will. Though they will be accepting to it, I just don't want what my mom can bring to the table.. When my brother announced that he was gay, the jokes came flying out of my mom's mouth. She has such a vicious humor that I KNOW I will not be ok with...