not alot of shame and/or guilt here...

[bimini1]

...and it is one of the things has has helped me keep my sanity. These pages are full of wonderful souls whom have somehow found acceptance of themselves and I thank them. All of you. I carry around alot of internalized negativity about this. This web page has helped me to shed some of it.

To the girls who dealt with the shame/guilt issue in the past:

Can you pinpoint any one moment when you knew that you knew that you knew you were through with shame and would be shackled by it no longer?

Was it something that you did? Something that you realized? A process?

Because I am apparently missing that boat. I am shackled and influenced by the perceptions of others. I have spoken extensively to those who are free to be themselves, they are mostly older it seems. May be it just takes time.
I have been in therapy.
I spend days at work afraid someone is gonna bring up 'those weirdos that dress in women's clothes' and it intimidates me the machismo I see guys around me expressing.
I just wish I could stand up and have thick skin.

When I think about CD, it is often from points of view other than my own. In my mind playing over and over are the negative things I've heard over and over down thru the years from parents, co-workers, friends:
Those kinds of people are sick, perverted, I feel sorry for them, pray for them, etc.
How do you get past this and shed it once and for all it is driving me up the wall!!

[Sophia de la luz]

I think various situations demand various responses. What's on the line? Is it "sinful" in some way to dress in women's clothes? Are you abandoning part of yourself to do it? Or is your financial security on the line? Social standing? Physical well-being?

I love the way the clothes have me feeling about me. I feel more relaxed and I enjoy that. Just went to a movie with a friend wearing leggings that grip tight to my legs. With my ponytail, it didn't look standard. But, nothing was on the line.

Wearing that to the office would demand some questions to be answered.

I'm rambling, but really mean to say the guilt/shame stuff is an inside job. The outside world has consequences related to choices. Finally the question comes to "What would you like for yourself?" Without a sincere answer to that question, uncertain outcomes seems inevitable.

[Kayla Shadows]

This is just my point of view.I basically stopped and opened my eyes for once.I realized this is who I am and have no desire to change it.If Im made to feel ashamed for it,Im obviously surrounding myself with the wrong people.I should be ashamed for being ashamed of myself.Those who see Im doing wrong..its only wrong for their life.Im not them.The people that actually love me for me try to understand.These kinds of people are out there.They see the soul you possess and dont judge you.I chose my path with my mind set to deal with anything that comes ahead.My name is Kayla.I am a classic car,horror movie and heavy metal lover.A guitar player,crossdresser,friend and many other things.If this person is not good enough for someone..then your not good enough for me either.Thats where I stand and nothing would make me live a different way.

[Kate Simmons]

I agree with Kayla. Being ourself and being true to that self is the most important thing. We prove who we are by our actions and our interaction with others and that has nothing to do with what we look like.

[tanya3]

This is just my point of view.I basically stopped and opened my eyes for once.I realized this is who I am and have no desire to change it.If Im made to feel ashamed for it,Im obviously surrounding myself with the wrong people.I should be ashamed for being ashamed of myself.Those who see Im doing wrong..its only wrong for their life.Im not them.The people that actually love me for me try to understand.These kinds of people are out there.They see the soul you possess and dont judge you.I chose my path with my mind set to deal with anything that comes ahead.My name is Kayla.I am a classic car,horror movie and heavy metal lover.A guitar player,crossdresser,friend and many other things.If this person is not good enough for someone..then your not good enough for me either.Thats where I stand and nothing would make me live a different way.

I really couldn't agree more .

[jennylogan]

The guilt and shame I carried for years about my cding could have sunk the Titanic. What changed for me was when I decided after 30+ years of cding to finally accept that I wasn't going to stop doing this simply because most of society condemns it out of hand. This is how I was born as part and parcel with everything else that makes me who and what I am. Although being a crossdresser is certainly a large and important part of my genetic fabric ( and not a particularly easy lifestyle choice) it by no means is the entire definition of who I am. I think this revelation is just a part of the aging process. As I have gotten older I have learned to accept many things about myself, both pleasing and painful, from the need for bifocals to not being able to fit in a size 12 anymore.(darn) to finally knowing that there is no shame in dressing as a female other that which I would place on myself. I wish now all of the time I wasted in fear and shame on being outed would have been spent instead en femme. I will always take the wisdom and experience of age over the inexperience and naivete of youth.

[Jocelyn Renee]

Close to 20 years ago I lost it all due to CDing - live-in GF, daughter, friends, job. It took me a few months of moping to realize that the only thing I had really lost was a lot of baggage.

The love of my life? she was just a self-centered monster who tried to destroy me. My friends? Many turned on me in an instant; some even going so far as to invent stories about me as if the CDing wasn't quite enough. My job? I got a new one making more money than before.

These events made me realize that the things we believe define our lives are temporary and fragile. Disaster, illness, changing attitudes, and even CDing can take it all away in an instant. What's left is the only true and permanent thing about our lives. For me it was myself and my relationship with God.

I'm aware that many of us have suffered the slings and arrows of self-avowed Christians who are woefully misguided. However, the Bible tells us the 3 defining characteristics of God are holiness, truth, and love. It DOES NOT say that CDing is sinful and the simple truth is that He created me the way I am for a purpose. I did not invent these feelings; they have always been. The author of the universe loves me the way he created me, and that's good enough for me.

[PamelaTX]

An old minister friend of mine told me a story about forgiveness that I think applies to the guilt/shame thing. He said forgiveness is like a church-bell. Just because you stop pulling on the rope, doesn't mean the bell will stop ringing. It will continue ringing for a while, perhaps even a long while. But as long as you remember not to pull on the rope, the rings will become quieter and further apart, and will eventually stop.

I suffered with guilt/shame for almost 50 years before finally deciding to accept myself the way I am. The habits of a lifetime don't go away in a day. The feelings still come back from time to time, but they are becoming weaker and less frequent as time goes on. I don't think that there ever is a time when you say, "OK the negative feelings are gone." But eventually you reach a point where you don't have to listen to them anymore.

And to repeat the important point that Jocelyn Renee made, God made you the way you are and He loves you the way you are.

I hope this helps.

[TGMarla]

I spend days at work afraid someone is gonna bring up 'those weirdos that dress in women's clothes' and it intimidates me the machismo I see guys around me expressing.

They are small minds, trapped in the social cages provided by their narrow life experiences. Pay them no heed, and hear not their poison words.

I have no shame or guilt about this personally, but then, I really can't say that I'd feel ashamed if my wife were to pop in on me one day while dressed in girly clothes.

As for what got me here, I just admitted to myself that I like me, I like "being" a girl and wearing women's clothing, and that this wasn't going away. So I just decided to run with it and own it.

[Jonianne]

...and it is one of the things has has helped me keep my sanity. These pages are full of wonderful souls whom have somehow found acceptance of themselves and I thank them. All of you. I carry around alot of internalized negativity about this. This web page has helped me to shed some of it.

What you have described in this post, I have very much gone through. Now add to that; comming from a very fundamenaltist religious background. I literaly was on the verge of going insane - hearing things in my mind and stuff!

To the girls who dealt with the shame/guilt issue in the past:

Can you pinpoint any one moment when you knew that you knew that you knew you were through with shame and would be shackled by it no longer?

Yes, there was a moment in time when it finally dawned on me that "I" was the one who was making me feel bad about myself, no one else was making me feel bad about myself. From that moment the depression lifted and never returned. That was about 12 years ago.

Now to get to that point, for me, it took years of individual and group therapy with good psychologists.

Was it something that you did? Something that you realized? A process?

It was a long process. And like in the movie "A Beautiful Mind" the actor came to realize that the fanatizes were not real. For me when the false predictions kept failing to materalize, I knew they were not real.

Because I am apparently missing that boat. I am shackled and influenced by the perceptions of others. I have spoken extensively to those who are free to be themselves, they are mostly older it seems. May be it just takes time.
I have been in therapy.

Yes, it takes time to turn the Titanic around. Also with age, you tend to realize that just being who you are, is not such a bad thing after all. And you start to not allow what others may think have so much influence over you.

I spend days at work afraid someone is gonna bring up 'those weirdos that dress in women's clothes' and it intimidates me the machismo I see guys around me expressing.

I used to fear that so much as well, because I knew I was going to turn beet red! Shame, shame, shame. For me, opening up to others in my life (non-CD'ers) and sharing with them helped me to get past the shame. NOW, however this could be very dangerous if you open to the wrong person.

I just wish I could stand up and have thick skin.

That is still something I work on.

When I think about CD, it is often from points of view other than my own. In my mind playing over and over are the negative things I've heard over and over down thru the years from parents, co-workers, friends:
Those kinds of people are sick, perverted, I feel sorry for them, pray for them, etc.
How do you get past this and shed it once and for all it is driving me up the wall!!

It will take time, but being here with kindred spirits is a major help.

Hugs,

Joni

[Joy Carter]

I lost a career and several friends over my gender issues. All over a rumour. The one or two friends that truly loved me. As well as my family are still here. So be careful young one.

[docrobbysherry]

As a fairly recent newcomer to CDing, I have been trying to rid myself of the "shame and guilt" feelings. I also have a school age daughter who would be affected if my CDing came out.

Interesting u should post this today! I just renewed contact yesterday with my old college girlfriend. With the main idea of finally telling SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ME, about my CDing! I know, no big deal to most of u!
But, for me, it is! "Baby steps", someone said. Rite!? At least, I'm trying to move ahead with my CDing mania. Nobody said this would be easy!

[CD Susan]

Many years ago I lived with feelings of shame and guilt about my crossdressing. This was before the age of the internet and websites such as this one. I truely felt that there had to be something 'wrong' with me because of what I did. I was confused and angry and felt alone in a world full of 'normal' people. I went through periods of depression that affected me so much that I considered ending my life. I felt that I had truely reached the lowest point in my life and there was no hope for anyone as sick as I was. Something happened to me at this time, maybe it was because I felt so low that there was only one direction to look and that was up. I came to the realization that if I wanted to continue living then I had to accept this part of me. I began reading everything I could find on the subject of crossdressing, or as it was commonly called at the time, transvestism. I soon realized that I certainly was not alone in this and it was a part of human nature to be this way and there was no reason to continue living with the feelings of shame and guilt any more. I considered going to a therapist of some kind to help me through this but decided against it. I literally turned my life around overnight by my own sheer willpower. I told myself that I was going to finally accept this part of myself and to start enjoying my life. This was many years ago and now my life could not be any happier. I now fully accept who I am and would not want to change this part of me even if I could. Bimini I hope that you can find inner peace with yourself such as I have. It might seem impossible to do for you and I understand. Take it from some one who has been there, if you want this to happen it can happen. I hope these few words of mine help you in some way. My best wishes go out to you.

[Nikki A.]

Bimini, yes it is tough to be different,but there is something different in all of us. This is what we are, we are breaking no laws and we are simply expressing this part of us. For me it took alot of searching my own thoughts and feelings, getting used to the idea that Nikki is a part of me and letting Nikki out in the world. As a deal with my wife I kept Nikki a secret from others. Since she has passed away I have gone out and told select others on a need to know basis about me. I will shop and say these things are for me. Yes I am careful so as not to have a problem with my job although there were people at my old job who knew and have been out with me. Also I don't want my kids to have a problem with their peers. As for myself I really don't give a rat's ass who knows and I wish that they did so that I could wear whatever I wanted. I also have come to the point that if I meet someone to spend my time with I will be open and honest with her. If she has a problem with it, fine then I will continue to look. I will not myself be shamed or hide. Of course within reason.

[Jolene]

I am so glad to be here with all of you and to be able to read your views. This is a part of me and who I am as well. Not being able to share it in my everyday life is hard but to be with all of you here makes it a bit easier. There is nothing wrong with any of us but some understanding from the rest of world would be nice. To just accept us for who we are and to not be made fun of.
Jolene

[paulaN]

The two biggest things that have helped me is.
1) this forum and all of the people in it. For instance I loved what Kayla just wrote and I could not agree with her more. There is so much support and love here. And you get to learn about people from all over this great country of ours. And the world too. It's a great place to learn about acceptance and gain acceptance in yourself. Seems to me you could use a good dose of that.
2) Was when I guit drinking, almost 5 years ago now. Whoo Hooo!!!!!!!!!! That's when I started to accept me for me. And I was taught through AA that I have to take care of me. Through that process I gained so much acceptance in myself. I came to realize that I am ok. I don't need to hide in a bottle I also don't need to be ashamed. That attatude goes right along with cross dressing too. Just leave out the bottle part.
Now I have to add a 3) That is my age 51 now. I just don't care what other people think any more. I wish I would have devoloped that a looooong time ago. But I didn't oh well.
I hope in some small way this helps you. LOL paula

[Nicole Erin]

When I first started CDing serious, I was too caught up in the "pink fog" to feel guilt, I was totally happy.

So why never any real guilt?

I tend to not stay in one place too long. Therefore, I don't really have any long-term friendships to worry about. My idea of a "friend" is someone who calls me at least once a month just to talk. I have never had many of those since high school.

My jobs are never anything spectacular so it is not like my career is shot if I did get fired over being CD. [In fact, with most of the jobs I have had, they are happy if people so much as show up to work most days.]

I don't have like this big social status to protect. No one gives a crap who I am.

My whole family knows I dress and I don't think that has really effected anything. I mean they don't act different.

So I look at those 4 things and realise that guilt would be a waste of time. My CDing might cost me a bit of ridicule from strangers or people I don't care about. It will not cost me a good job, friends, family, or social status.

So really, you have to look at the cost if you were to get caught. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

[PamelaTX]

No one gives a crap who I am.

I would tend to disagree with that.

I've held jobs at all levels of the social strata. Some of the best people I've known were the ones I dug ditches with. Some of the worst were my colleagues in academia.

More to the point, if something as harmless as CDing can cause you to lose "social status" it probably wasn't worth having in the first place.

[FlygrlChristy]

If Im made to feel ashamed for it,Im obviously surrounding myself with the wrong people.I should be ashamed for being ashamed of myself.

Kayla, that was very well put, and should probably become a daily mantra for all the girls on this forum who have a hard time putting that shame to rest, including myself.

Christy

[FlygrlChristy]

From Jocelyn Renee:

I'm aware that many of us have suffered the slings and arrows of self-avowed Christians who are woefully misguided. However, the Bible tells us the 3 defining characteristics of God are holiness, truth, and love. It DOES NOT say that CDing is sinful and the simple truth is that He created me the way I am for a purpose. I did not invent these feelings; they have always been. The author of the universe loves me the way he created me, and that's good enough for me.
__________________
"It's a sad man, my friend, who's living in his own skin, and can't stand the company." - Bruce Springsteen

From PamelaTX:

I suffered with guilt/shame for almost 50 years before finally deciding to accept myself the way I am. The habits of a lifetime don't go away in a day. The feelings still come back from time to time, but they are becoming weaker and less frequent as time goes on. I don't think that there ever is a time when you say, "OK the negative feelings are gone." But eventually you reach a point where you don't have to listen to them anymore.

And to repeat the important point that Jocelyn Renee made, God made you the way you are and He loves you the way you are

.

From paulaN:

this forum and all of the people in it. For instance I loved what Kayla just wrote and I could not agree with her more. There is so much support and love here. And you get to learn about people from all over this great country of ours. And the world too. It's a great place to learn about acceptance and gain acceptance in yourself. Seems to me you could use a good dose of that.

These highly insightful replies, help me deal with being different, and being more comfortable in my own skin. I can feel, day by day my acceptance level growing, not only of the fact that I'm a CDer, but of myself in general, and that is absolutely something I've had a hard time doing for a long time. This is not something you run to your doctor and tell him about, because you need a prescription, or anyone else for that matter, at least not yet anyway. I know some of you have told others, and have had good results, but I would guess that for most of us, this is still a highly volatile issue, for loved ones, friends, etc.

So in the mean time, I come to this forum and read just about everything thats posted, I may not reply but I absolutely take note of the fact that I belong here, and am made to feel welcome. Those feelings of questioning my sanity, are diminished here because of what I read, I'm never alone in feeling a certain way about this, as there is always someone who has been there before me.

Just writing about this, and sharing it here is a cathartic for me

Christy

[Satrana]

Bimini

The truth is that it takes time to realize that other's opinions don't matter in the long run. We are thoroughly trained as children to always seek acceptance and approval from others and then we spend a lifetime trying to untie the ropes that this behavior traps us in.

If you want to speed up the process, challenge yourself to be different. That does not necessarily mean crossdressing but any activity which you would not normally think defines who you are, things which would cause others to raise their eyebrows at. For example take up dancing or skydiving etc. Once you challenge yourself and conquer your fears your self confidence and self-belief will soar and you will no longer fear challenging your crossdressing needs.

The most important thing is to break free of your own self imposed prison that makes you behave in a manner that others approve of. Stop seeking approval. If this is not the real you then you have a duty to yourself to stop living a lie and to be truthful to yourself.

[Butterfly Bill]

After living for seven months in an intentional community where there was no hiding anything from anybody, I got a month-long job thru a member on Martha's Vinyard fixing up her daughter's bed and breakfast, and I had a barn to sleep in all alone, and there were a lot of foggy nights there in May, and I about went nuts making up for lost time. I watched myself and said, "I'm tired of this; I want to find someplace where I can come out! I thought of two possible places, another community, and the Rainbow Gathering. I didn't get admitted into the community, but the Rainbow Family said "Welcome Home", and a bedraggled old road dog said to me the first time I walked out in a dress, "That's great!" That started me on a path where I eventually came out to the first community and finally the whole world, one that took ten years from beginning to end.

[MJ]

for me the first part was accepting myself . as an example i don't pass i doubt i ever will. and i am fat eww that said .... i am who i am i love me for who i am.. i adopted an attitude of i don't care what others think of me .. if you don't like what you see look the other way .. it helps me get through the tough times.
now my shame yes i had that too. it went away with time no big deal now-days i don't look to wards approval from others. as i see it they will accept you or not. i do the best i can with what i got .
hope that helps