Why Im I Like This?????????????

[Nicki B]

Not really, no.
But it is handy when the sh*t hits the fan.

Perhaps 'proud of' would be better than 'like'?

Well, if you can't let those emotions free on your own, start by doing it with us? Just write how you feel, it doesn't matter if it makes no sense?

So, come on, let some of those pent up feelings out - maybe not by writing them here, if that's not comfortable, but as a document of some kind? Go through the process of putting it into words and see if that can help..

[sometimes_miss]

Samantha, I have to agree with some others, try to find a gender specialist therapist to see. My mistake was just going to see who they sent me to. After my divorce, I tended to cry a lot. It didn't even have to be anything terrible, just something emotional would set me off. I was suppressing depression, and the crying was the only time my true feelings about my life could really come out. I can't suggest that you may be having the same problem, but maybe you are. Find someone to talk to. Don't wait, it seldom gets better on it's own.

[Sammy777]

Thanks sometimes_miss for the kind word.
The one thing I do know out of all of this is that I'm not depressed.

And Nicki your right......

The reasons behind all this are not only am I searching for answers for myself buy for the flurry of questions I know I will have to answer to my family & friends.

The last thing I want to do is leave them with more questions then they are starting with. I know this will happen anyway, but I at least what to try to make this happen as smoothly as humanly possible for them & hopefully myself in the process.

Hiding this part of me has been for lack of a better word grinding on me more so then usual.

Obviously I still need some work on my emotional side to get it to a more balanced place compared to the full on full off way I have been feeling lately since I really started thinking about all this & the details of finally bringing this to light & everything that it's going to mean to me & my family/friends.

The good sides are that I don't have kids & I am once again single.
Not really good things, but they do make it less complicated for now.

It has really made me think about how I truly value the friendships I have & which of them I will be telling about this.

Being here has helped me out a lot to become more comfortable with all this & myself. I never would have even though about being dressed in front of someone, let alone to go out in public [even if it was Halloween] if it wasn't for everybody here.

Even when I'm alone I feel that I'm never really alone & always subject to the so called "Knock & Walk".
My house is like a 7-11, open 24hrs.
It's not just my house, my family has always had a sorta open door policy.

What I would like to be able to do is more openly explore this without the constant fears of being found out.
I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm a CD.
What I still need to work out is how far I want or need to go with this & everything that goes along with it.

[sometimes_miss]

Samantha, think long and hard about coming out to everyone. None of it worked out well for me. I was fooled; I had been talking to gender friendly therapists, went to gender friendly meetings, to the point that I really believed that it wasn't a big deal. Well, to most of society, it is. To most of society, we're freaks, gay, perverts. To those who are religious, we are doomed to go to hell, every single one of us, and they will endlessly try to get us to repent our evil ways, every....single....time they see us. If your relationships are intact, remember: When you share a secret, you are placing the burden of that secret on another person to keep, and if they aren't comfortable with that secret, it's as much as placing a curse on them. Don't do it. As much as you want people to accept you, for the most part, it doesn't work out as you want it too. Sure, it's possible. But it's not likely. Choose who you tell very, very carefully.

[Sammy777]

Samantha, think long and hard about coming out to everyone. I really believed that it wasn't a big deal.

I have no disillusions about this being "no big deal".

I hate to sound self centered or arrogant when I say this.
Right now my immediate family depends a lot more on me then I do of them. I have also spend many years putting the needs of the many [my family] in front of the needs of the few [me].

I basically put my entire life on hold for a few years to help my family. I do not regret doing this & would do it again & I have never asked for anything in return for doing it. So when is enough, enough?

Obviously I would hate to become estranged from them, but I need to put myself first for a while & if being without them because of this is something they choose, it is also something I can I live with.

As far as my extended family goes I don't plan on telling them [none live local anyway] but if they find out & disapprove, to bad for them too.

I don't plan on telling all of my friends.
I think the two I plan on telling are open minded enough to accept this.
To say that both of them have seen it all is an understatement.

If your relationships are intact, remember: When you share a secret, you are placing the burden of that secret on another person to keep, and if they aren't comfortable with that secret, it's as much as placing a curse on them.

I would say that "curse" is a bit much. However I am fully aware that doing this will have an impact on them whether or not they accept this part of me.

To those who are religious, we are doomed to go to hell, and they will endlessly try to get us to repent our evil ways.
To most of society, we're freaks, gay, perverts.

I'm not big on organized religion. Catholic school sorta ruined it for me, lol. That being said, If there is a hell & I wind up there, believe me it's not going to be for wearing a dress.

And finally, most of society is filled with uptight, close minded *ssh*les.
Why should I care what that type of person thinks about this? I really don't care what they think about me every other day.

[Carol Crossdress]

I went through a period where I didn't want to dress becasue I didn't understand why I had these feelings. I still don't understand why but I do love to dress up!!

[deja true]

I know the stoic role well, hun! That's what's-his-name's role every day. The practical one...the sensible one...the one with the answers when others are freaked out or panicing...the one who could give direction to those who had lost theirs. And like NickyB says, I actually am proud of that role.

But yes, I sometimes need someone else to lean on occasionally, too. And guess what, someone like that, from among all those that have leaned on me, usually steps forward to be a rock for me. They do it out of love, out of gratitude, out of respect for the person that I was for them. We all have this capability. It's just that most ppl will avoid being that rock for someone else if they possibly can.

You know your friends and family. Choose the one you know the best, the one that is most like you... Strong souls are recognizable to each other. Good hearts shine out in an obvious way. You can't miss' em.

And, on your own behalf, stay strong. "There is no crying in baseball", but there's plenty of crying in real life...and it's okay to let it show now and again...the tears of a strong person are influential and strength giving to others.

[Penny]

Well being sensative and crying are natural responses... Some people are more sensative than others.. I will tear up uncontrollably watching the Extreme Home Makeover!! Just the way I am and I really don't need to pay someone to tell me why I'm like this... Or why I like to wear womens clothing or am more fem the the average guy.. Its just me. And I accept me at face value... . And knowing why wouldn't change a thing for me... I'd still be me and love doing what I love doing....

Ok one thing would change... I'd just have less money!! And the shrink would have a new boat!! Hahahaha

Hi Karren, it does one good to accept oneself at face value but you must remenber "accept nothing at FACE-OFF"



Penny

[Sammy777]

I know the stoic role well, hun! That's what's-his-name's role every day. The practical one...the sensible one...the one with the answers when others are freaked out or panicing...the one who could give direction to those who had lost theirs. And like NickyB says, I actually am proud of that role.

Fun job isn't it? Like I said, it does come in handy.

But have you ever asked yourself:
Why oh why didn't I take the Blue pill? lol.

Well I took a little vacation from the grind last night / this morning.
Make-up, wardrobe changes, lighting, camera, ect.
It was almost like work, lol,
But is was the best 8 hrs Samantha has had in a very long time.
I really had a lot of fun doing it & now I have a nice new avatar.

OH, YA
Back to the subject, lol.
The two people that are willing & capable to really do for me what I have done for them are my brother & my best friend.
Unfortunately, my brother is a world away so that only leaves my friend. We'll see how it goes.

To prepare for peace is to prepare for war.