No one wants us/me!

[dianeleah]

I believe that no one wants us/me! I feel I don't fit in anywhere! Not gay so don't fit in with the gay crowd. And gay men like men, not men who dress like women and act like women. Lesbians want women, not men who dress like women. The transgender crowd seems to me to be all caught up in transitioning. So if you aren't interested in transitioning you don't have much in common. The radical gay/lesbian/transgender crowd is just that, radical. No I'm not going dress up in a flamboyant costume and march at a gay pride day parade!

GG want men who dress and act like men! This is the hardest to figure out of all. Let me explain. I've responded to several GG on web-based dating sites. When a woman says; I love to cuddle and snuggle, long walks, and shopping...(and other girly things). I respond so do I! I like the same things you do! Wow, we're a perfect match! No!!!!! Not so!!! They want a guy that hunts, fishes, gambles, spends his time watching sports on tv, and has a Harley! Here's the funny (or not so funny) part. They say one thing but after talking to them they really want another! They don't want me! They run the other way when I'm open and honest about my desires, likes, and dislikes! I've never even gotten to be honest about the fact that I like to wear women's clothes. They are completely turned off by the fact that I like to do the same girly things that they do!

So no one wants us/me! If you are married to a woman who accepts your dressing and feminine side, you should feel very, very lucky! And you should kiss the ground she walks on, because there aren't a lot of women out there who want us/me!

The bottom line is that I feel so alone, and don't see that ever changing! I know there are other single girls out there is anyone else feeling the same way?

[StaceyJane]

Being alone is my biggest fear in transitioning. I just am not ready to risk losing my family.

[tommi]

Being honest is still the best , hiding who we are only leads to bigger problems.
But I truly believe if you stay open and honest and keep looking you can find
someone it just takes time.

[AKAMichelle]

Things will improve for you. I will tell you my story about meeting GG's.

I had put a profile up on MSN and later on Yahoo. Both times I got one hit. The first time was on MSN and I met a woman a few years younger than me. We dated for one week and hit it off ok when I dropped the bomb. She didn't run. I showed her all of my clothes and explained a lot about crossdressing to her. We did break up later but it had nothing to do with crossdressing. She moved far away and we are still friends.

The second woman came from Yahoo personals. We talked through IM and later on the phone for hours. We had talked for about 4-5 hours when we went on our first date. When I asked her out, I said since we have talked so much I feel like I already know you, but I will never know until we go out. So let's go out. I went out with her on one date at a restaurant and then a second one walking a few days later. For some unknown reason I told her on the phone after I got home from walking with her. She was very interested and talked me into coming up to her work as Michelle. Fear was the only feeling I had, but I did it. So there I was dressed and walking into her work. She saw me, but avoided contact which might have drawn attention to me. After she got off work we walked that night as Michelle. To date we have spent most of our time together as Michelle. She goes out with me a lot of places. Movies / Walks / Shopping / Long Rides to see the Fall Color change in Colorado.

I think a lot of it has to do with how comfortable you are about your crossdressing and how confident you are with yourself. I don't think my profile is good by any means, but I have now met 2 for 2 accepting women. I don't know that the relationships will ever lead to a long lasting relationship, but it's a lot of fun now.

By best advice for you:
1) Quit feeling sorry for yourself
2) Keep trying, and don't bring up crossdressing until you have connected. Tell the woman you are more than meets the eye. You are an open book with many twists and turns. Remind her of the fun of finding out all of the deep creavices of your being.
3) Let her know that you are a man who cares very deeply for her. You are interested in something much more than a one night stand. You want "magic". That electric feeling between 2 people that no one can explain, but everyone knows what it is when they find it.
4) I think this is the most important element of the experience. Self-Disclose. Let her know who you are. Talk about pain that you have felt as well as the joys. Let her know that you are a real man. A man with a heart and compassion. Women want someone to share with. If you cause them to share and each of you connect, then she will move right on through the system. When she has connected with you, then share. Share by telling her that you want her to know all about you. That includes the embarassing all the way to the proud parts of your life. Tell her that she means so much to you, that you don't want to start a relationship with her without putting everything out there. The minute you become vunerable is the moment she realizes you are for real. A real man with understanding and compassion can beat any jerk with a harley.

I think you are wrong or just meeting the wrong women. Women want a man to protect them - that's true. They also want a best friend. Someone they can talk with and share themselves. Sometimes acting like a girlfriend to them is the best approach. Not everyone will accept you, but letting them know that crossdressing is just a part of who you really are will help you defuse the urge to run. Any woman who finds you as something other than a shallow jerk will give you a chance.

[PamelaTX]

Well, you could tell them that hugging and cuddling kinda creep you out, but you might be willing to try it -- for the right person!

And all those dresses and skirts in your closet? Well, that's just your hunting and fishing stuff!

You never know. It might work ...

[Karren H]

God... You got me so depressed now......... if my office window opened I'd be laying on the pavement...


Sigh......


Lucky for you I'm on the first floor....

[avril findlay]

Well here's a surprise for you sister.
I do!

Love

Avril

[Sharon]

If it helps you by knowing this, then maybe you should be aware that many couples, gay and hetero, have gotten together because of the forum, and I'm sure I'm not aware of all of them. Some were short term relationships while a few others have blossomed into something more. It does require putting yourself out there and trying to make friends though -- don't sit back and wait for people to contact you first.

Don't give up!!

[Sally2005]

I doubt the part about meeting women is impossible...It is usually a challenge to find someone who is compatible no matter what you are like.

I feel your pain related to the groups though...I wish there was a group in my city that you could just hang out with and meet for the occasional outing...no politics, no hang ups etc...just socializing for something to do instead of staying home.

[MJ]

FYI were not all the same I'm transitioning and i am not all caught up in transitioning. and i have many t-friends. so you might want to just concentrate on making friends

[Jonianne]

I would suggest getting involved in some volunteer work and get to know people. Let women see your kind, gentle and caring qualities as you work with people. Someone looking for a friend will take notice. As you get to know them, you can gradually open up to those who you are interested in. Also show some of your femme self in some small way while you go about your day. That will do two things, 1) let others know that you are not a super macho kind of guy and 2) it could be a conversation piece that a woman could start talking to you about.

[KellyCD]

GG want men who dress and act like men! This is the hardest to figure out of all. Let me explain. I've responded to several GG on web-based dating sites. When a woman says; I love to cuddle and snuggle, long walks, and shopping...(and other girly things). I respond so do I! I like the same things you do! Wow, we're a perfect match! No!!!!! Not so!!! They want a guy that hunts, fishes, gambles, spends his time watching sports on tv, and has a Harley! Here's the funny (or not so funny) part. They say one thing but after talking to them they really want another! They don't want me! They run the other way when I'm open and honest about my desires, likes, and dislikes! I've never even gotten to be honest about the fact that I like to wear women's clothes. They are completely turned off by the fact that I like to do the same girly things that they do!.....

.....And you should kiss the ground she walks on, because there aren't a lot of women out there who want us/me!

The bottom line is that I feel so alone, and don't see that ever changing! I know there are other single girls out there is anyone else feeling the same way?

A part of me knows EXACTLY how you feel. I remember the whole "sensitive guy" phase years ago. Part of me is still very angry at the world for that BS. Because that's what it was- BS.
After seeing girl after girl go after the a-holes (not even attractive a-holes either) time and time again like lemmings I grew very depressed and angry. I couldn't understand why women didn't have any interest in me, I wasn't an a-hole. Then I became one of those a-holes, I stopped dressing, I drank alot and had a "didn't care about anything except boobs" attitude and guess what happend? Girls started to notice me. I became popular with the ladies and to be honest it disgusted me on the inside.

I met my wife during that time and she opened up my heart, I feel so deeply in love with her that I stopped being an a-hole and things were great-for the first couple years. Now things are falling apart. I'm too "sensitive" for her tastes and she isn't attracted to me anymore.


Anyways before I ramble on more I want to say this. Yes it's no secret that their are millions of women out there that don't want anything to do with us. It's a very depressing thought but you have to realize that their are women out there who are caring and accepting enough out there. Those women who don't shouldn't bother you, let their insecurities and closed-minds make someone else miserable.

[dionne xdresser]

babe i know exactly how you feel im exactly the same xxx its hard isnt it xxx

[Rachel Morley]

I understand you point of view ... because I used to think similar thoughts about my life. I was single for 12 years before I met my wife. She loves my feminine side and actually likes crossdressing and thinks I look cute dressed en femme (I kid you not!) notice I said "cute" not sexually attracted. Anyway, so how did I meet this wonderful woman? ... on a crossdressing forum! (not this one).

My advice is be patient, don't try to be something or someone you're not, and above all trust in your luck and believe in love. There is someone for everyone, you just have to find her or wait for divine intervention (as in my case).

[Schatten Lupus]

I was in a similar position just over a year ago. I thought no one could ever want me, but for different reasons. I was so alone that I had contemplated suicide many times in the past, and attempted it once. Even to someone who had made themselves emotionally hard, and was use to be alone, it was still a depressing and unnerving having been fully convinced I would be alone for all my days.
All I can say is do not give up hope. For me, it was definitly worth the wait. Not only did I find someone who I love very deeply, and my love equally returned, she also accepts me for who I am.

[paulaN]

I have to say for the most part your right. My soon to be x wife is a perfect example she does not want a girly man. She wants an a hole. I hope she gets one.

[Christinedreamer]

Believe it or not there ARE truly sensitive guys who act like gentlemen who are interested in TGs and not for just a quick roll in the hay. I have heard this same lament from many TG ladies -not drag queens- that they just wanted someone to be open with and have platonic fun with and maybe something more may develop. There are GGs out there as well, it just takes time to find them.

As you can see from my avatar I enjoy CDing too but that was on halloween and in a daily sense I am not at al passable and really dont have the desire to go out en femme as size-wise I would never be seen as more than a guy in a dress. I am a big guy but I have a gentle soul and enjoy just talking and being platonic friends with both TGs and GGs. I am not alone.

You may have to look past the vixens or the surfer dudes to get to the emotionally solid and self confident folks. Remember also that there are many of us who desire to be able to pass and feel comfortable "out there" but since we can't or don't we CAN be a close confidant or strong shoulder when you just want to be yourself and relax with a trusted friend.

Keep looking but look in oplaces where down to earth folks are found, not bars or such.

It does not mean you're gay if you cultivate close male friends while you are en femme, so relax. In my case if someone TG or GG acts like a lady I treat them like a lady.

I wish you happiness and contentment in the near future.

Bill

[Maria2222]

Hi Diane,
You know that there are CD's who have wives that are supportive, or at least accepting. I'm sure they haven't all been taken and that there are new ones coming along all the time. Easy for me to say, but keep looking. Your soul mate may be just around the corner.
In the meantime, you're lucky to have many supportive friends right here.

[docrobbysherry]

( That's a quote, But NOT from me!) Diane, I know exactly how u feel! I was divorced some years back, and I've been doing on line dating, too. Not having much luck, but getting better as I go!

I lost my wife because I started saying, " No", too late in our relationship. Women find jerks attractive! Sensative, emotional, needy guys, r last on their list! Never mind what they say!

I can't be a jerk, because it's NOT who I am. But, I have developed some tricks which keep their interest longer than I used to. I try to be less accomodating, and less up front. I ask them questions and answer theirs with honest, but short answers. Never tell the whole story. Never even CONSIDERED telling them I dress!

Make a date, then cancel the last minute. Never make excuses! Just don't answer, or change the subject. Pretend you're busy, especially on weekends, even when your not. If they can't figure u out, and think you're dating others, you'll intrigue them. If your too easy, you'll bore them to death!

I'm NOT advocating lying or cheating, just keep them interested long enough for u two to get to know each other. I find dating to be difficult and unpleasant. But it's the only way I can find that SPECIAL woman! There's one out there for me, and for u, too!

Dress like a woman, but ACT like a man! I believe it works!

[Nicole Erin]

Well, you can dress how you like but unfortunately to at least find a woman, you will have to "man-up". Handle the talk about dressing as best you can...

I asked a woman I work with "So if you were dating a guy and whenever you got mad at him, he started crying and begging your forgiveness, would you like that?" She looked at me sternly and said "No if he doesn't have the balls to stand up for himself he is out the door."

No it was not someone I was trying to hook up with, just a lady at work that her and I are always talking about gender issues...

I know I am about as sensitive as a hungry alligator, so if I ever have to date again, I can hang up the dress and probably do alright.

Save the sensitive male junk for later IF it needs to come in...

Jonianne - What you wrote is exactly how NOT to get dates with women. Some guy who acts like that wouldn't be able to pick up a woman at even a women's prison.

[Alice Torn]

It has not gotten easier, despite all the dating sites. I know none of my brothers, or sister, is with a SO, or SOB! We are all loners now. I dated a lot in my 30's, but slim pickings, since the 90]s. I have told two women about my dressin g, and let them see pics, but, one was disgusted, the other, old enough to be my mom, laughed, had mixed feelings. I was not trying to date either one. Yes, I have lost girlfriends, to less than sensitive men. It hurts. We are "damned if we do, or damned if we don't". Nice, sensitive guys, are considered boring. If only they knew our other, wild dressing side! Or, our modest dressing side! I am 54, and am becoming more set in my lifetime single ways, know that i can sometimes get a first date, or second, but, seldom a third. The bad asses have more of what they want, and the high income guys, have what they want to. A poor, old bachelor, sensitive, like me, sometimes has a platonic friendship with a lady, but almost never, have women wanted me. One day at a time, in a fool's paradise--this crazy, cruel world.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

i feel the same way,,all alone,,whos gona want a 45 almost 46 yr old half toothless guy whos got a gut and wears woemns clothes, paintes his toenails and wears pantyhose 24/7????????and has a roommate who also happens to be his X wife?????

oh and i forgot,,is on meds so he can keep from killing the stupid people he comes across everyday....

so i ask AGAIN,,who would want ME?????

[battybattybats]

We have lots of admirers, most closeted too!

Many men and women both find CDs, TSs etc attractive. The trouble is many are too afraid to admit it openly so they dismiss the idea of being able to have a long term relationship with a transgender person for fear that society wont accept them... sound familiar? The people who find TGs sexually and emotionally attractive are deeply in the closet about it.

Most men and women are bisexual. Many people find transgender people an ideal combination of the two.

I recall one Big Brother Australia contestant Camilla during a discussion of sex and fantasy confessed that she always fantasised about a person who was a combination of male and female, especially with female breasts but with male genitals, only to be stunned when other housemates told her about transexuals and that the imaginary ideal of her fantasy actually existed!

I have met people who went through the same too, but they do not feel it possible to have a trelationship with a CD or TS because of the prejudice in society!

It's not just men looking at CDing and TS pornography online either. 1 in 3 porn users are women and it turns out that a significant number like man-on-man porn like so many men like woman-on-woman porn and a significant number of women like TG porn. Contrary to what is admitted publicly the reality is very different.

I have met here and elsewhere online though people who have the courage to admit they find TG folk attractive and who do live in relationships where CDing isn't just accepted but rejoiced and where it is a distinct part of the partners attractiveness to them.

The world is filled with people who find as attractive. But they are so afraid of being judged for it by their peers that they repress their desires to be with TG people just as we repress our desires to be out and about for fear of the same judgement.

Those brave enough to be open about their desires have their pick of those brave enough to be open about who they are. As TG people gain acceptance in society so too will people who find TG people attractive and who want relationships with them gain acceptance in society.

While for some a partners crossdressing is just something to bear, to put up with but for others it is attractive, endearing and arousing. When more people are open about that the world will have some major changes.

And just look at the brief times when Androgyny in men was the height of fashion! David Bowie and the rest of the Glam music scene had plenty of screaming teenage girl fans. Boy George was on the wall of many a girls bedroom.

We need the admirers to come out of the closet too. We need men and women to be brave enough to not just look at porn in secret and visit working TGs on the sly but to be willing to openly date, love and stay with the TGs they find so attractive.

[jackie_p]

I'm afraid I have to agree. This is exactly what keeps me buried
deep in the closet. Right now I have a wonderful, lovely wife and
three beautiful children. I'd do anything to protect that and not
have to feel alone again.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

This is a hard topic because there are no real words that can make someone feel that much better when they are in this kind of a situation. I wish I had them, but I dont.
Others have already said what is important to think about and I add that you CAN find someone that will be everything you want for a mate and more.

I've found two in my life.

You will find yours. Ask our board sister KathrynTX. I've known her for 7 years and the first six of that was listening to this very problem. Look at her now! She found hers and she is glowing from ear to ear everytime I see her. Eight months and going strong. Let that be a little ray of hope for YOU.

Here is to your happiness, sisters no matter what your situation may be.

*hugs*

Zarabeth