depressed

[Rachaelgirl39]

I am soo depressed and distraught right now. I have been dating this wonderful girl now going on 2 years. She knows about me and my desire to transition and we have talked about it and she loves me no matter what and I her. She totally supported me and I wud truly like to spend the rest of my life with her and although I go both ways I dont care that she is a girl and love her with all my heart. I truly want to spend the rest of my life with her and wud like to marry her someday and I thought we cud accomplish this, well last night we were watching a movie "maid to Honor" and when it came to the characters getting married she started crying, not because she was happy at the scene but because she felt she could never have that. I feel like I hurt her although she says that she is happy with me and yet i cant help but feel sad and dont know what to do, she is my world right now. I am sad and depressed.

[Steph Butterfield]

Hi Rachael,

Just let things develop at a natural pace, she is finding herself right now, and maybe a little confused perhaps, just offer the love and support you already have and eventuaslly her feelings will come out as it obvious you both have deep emotional feelings for each other.

xx

Stephanie

[stephanie.ts]

As Steph said, letting things unfold at the appropriate pace seems like the best advice. My girlfriend and myself have talked about marriage in the future. I've always pictured a traditional, big wedding with a ton of guests, whereas she wants a smaller ceremony performed by the town justice with only a handful of witnesses. Ultimately it's not how we show we're going to share our lives with each other forever, except that we do.

[Miss Tessa]

Maybe tell her that the idea of marriage is a religious union and law is just icing on the cake that doesn't really matter.

I mean, do legal, man made legislation really matter?

Look at the ppl who use cannabis in illegal governments. They rationalize it with perfect cause, that it being illegal is just a made up idea and that it is just a plant that grows. And how can a government outlaw a native plant?
That is their idea and it has credance to the idea of "legal" marriage.

Your life time partnership is just as valid, make sure that if you both feel you're life partners, that she understands that..
And that being together and being there for eachother for life is what matters if you want a common-law marriage.

[tgirlinva]

I understand how it feels not to be able to provide everything that your SO wants. It is depressing, but you have to realize that in life, you can't do/provide everything. Having said that, just because you transition does not mean that you cannot have the wedding ceremony/reception that you dream of. Yes, there won't be the "normal" groom and bride, but there can be two brides. I see it on TV all the time. So just have her understand that it is not an end all situation. Also, make sure that your SO is in it for the right reason...

[melissaK]

Gee. I understand. I kinda get the "wish I could have a big white wedding" school girl dream. I would love to have had a life with that fantasy bride wedding thing. Perhaps in another lifetime, in another world, in another universe. I settled for walking brides down the aisle and not being one.

Unfulfilled kids dreams are sorta sad, but just sorta. We adjust our dreams to our reality, make new ones, and we carry on. Plenty of backyard family weddings involved girls who would've liked the $25,000 full bash wedding and reception, but they had a great memorable time for $250 instead.

hugs,
'lissa

[jillleanne]

Rachael, many genetic females cannot have children for whatever reason, and they too feel they have lost out on something in life they feel they are entitled to. They do come to realize though that it was not part of their destiny here on earth to have children, and find true happiness within themselves by accepting the fact that they have someone they love and vice versa. True happiness comes from within, not from what we acquire in our lives.
Hugs, Jill

[Kaitlyn Michele]

hang in there rachael..

you and your girl need to go through alot before you get to the end...

have you started HRT?? many girls I know went through life changes relating to relationships around that time.

i wish you guys the best..
michele

[Louise C]

Its normal to feel sad when we see our loved ones unhappy. However, your lovely partner is a big girl and is able to make her own decisions. She made the decision to stay with you, you didn't make her stay.( I Hope)

Talk it through and tell her how sad you are that she feels that way and that you understand. You may be surprised at how much better she feels when she knows you appreciate her feelings.

This may sound rash and slightly flippant, but if you are serious about getting married, have you discussed getting hitched before you start to transition? At least she can have some memories and photos to keep for prosperity. (This could be your wedding present to her.)

I hope that doesn't sound too stupid.
Good luck to you both what ever route you take.

Don't sit feeling sad on your own, we're all here for you

[melimelo]

As Louise mentioned, and as my therapist repeats often, one of the most difficult tasks for transitioning MtFs is to break the emotion dam we spent so many years to build as men. We had to look strong, so we used to hide all these emotions behind a wall of stoicism or unconcern.

I had an eye-opening experience during last weekend, while watching "Changeling" at the theater with my wife (still as a man, but she knows). I've been feeling distant and disconnected with my wife and kids for some months. Suddenly I imagined that the things happening on the silver screen would happen to my kids (sorry about the spoiler...) At first, some feelings of concern. Then suddenly, I was openly crying and realized that I loved them so much, but was not acknowledging it.

OK, I digressed a bit... My point was: to be a woman, you have to let your emotions through, and you have to tell to the people you care that... you care. Not that you have thought things through and came up with solutions. That's usually the guy's way of addressing a problem: to DO something. Your GF might be glad to just hear from you that you are feeling sad about the effect the transition might have on the relationship, but that it won't change the feelings you have for her.

It might not be the typical boy-meets-girl story, but there is still a great love story here, isn't it?