At a marital crossroads.....

[Anita Mae GG]

I am the wife of a crossdresser. It has been 2 years since he dressed and since it has been discussed. He said I didn't reall accept (because I had issue with inviting another cd'er into our lives in a sexual way). Please help me understand this and how he can just shut off that part of him. I thought I was an understandig wife. I bought all kinds of stuff, encouraged him to meet people but I just couldn't go that extra step as it went outside the bounds of our marriage. He isn't interested in me at all. Don't get me wrong, we talk and joke and everything else is normal but we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than crossdressing? Help me understand!

[2B Natasha]

I think she is out of bounds on that one. You should never be put in a place where you have to chose between those thoughts. IMHO she is way over the line. Then to dare and say that you don't want her because you are not willing to get into an extra marital affair, for his/her benefit.

If I could reach out and give you a hug I would. She/He needs to get that head on straight and start taking ownership of her/his decisions and the results of them. Not lay the blame on someone or something else.

[dancinginthedark]

Anita I just wanted you to know I have read your words and my heartbreaks for you at this moment. I have no answers on why your hubby is behaving like he is since I am not a CD. But as a wife I say s/he is way out of bounds.

I hope that the ladies can give you some of the answers you need and look for. But in the end I think the only one who can give you those answers is your hubby.





dancin

[marykrissmithcd]

You are not doing anything wrong by placing the limit on him to not having a sexual relationship with another CD. After all, you are married. I love that you have been so supportive of his CD'ing and willing to help him in that respect. Sounds to me like he wants to have a gay relationship for which you do not have to accept. I think it's time for counciling. He has to decide if being a CD with a wonderful supportive wife is worth loosing that to have sex with another CD. I would love to have my wife be as supportive as you. Marianne

[Tracii G]

Bringing another party into the marriage IMO is very wrong.
Thats just my feeling.Maybe his lack of sexual drive towards you is a result of medical problems.Not saying thats the case here but also he may feel your sexual relationship has become stale.
Maybe a spicing up your love making would help.
Also if you have been married for a very long time he may be looking for something new to arouse him be it a 3 some or a bi or gay twist. I wish I could help.
I have trouble keeping my own relationships going.

[vivianann]

Anita my heart goes out to you, like the others have said, you are not wrong in your thinking, stand your ground on this one, you deserve better treatment, and your husband should not ask you to bring another person to the bed. Most of us cders would give anything to have a woman like you who accepts our crossdressing. take care sweetheart. Vivian

[Babette]

.... Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than crossdressing? Help me understand!

Anita, I don't mean to be flippant but your sense of seeing appears to be very clear. This person who agreed to marry you has not lived up to their their vows. As the old saying goes, "A deal is a deal." Anything outside of that requires an honest explanation IMHO.

Your situation is truly heartbreaking for so many of us to hear about. I do hope you can some resolution.

Babette

[karinels]

Are his desires that strong that he needs a man, or is this just curiosity that he needs to experience? My ex GF and I had discussed similar things, but I thought a few 'toys' and role play would be a good experience. Unfortunately, we split before we followed through on any of those things.

I hope the 2 of you can work this out, but if he needs more than you can offer, IMHO it does not sound very promising. Counseling may help, but if it doesn't, I urge the both of you to realize that you are both right for your feelings and beliefs.

From my experience, the curiosity was not worth losing the love and support of the best thing that ever happened to me, her.

[Tracii G]

Being Bisexual I understand the feeling he is having but why oh why mess up a marriage.Marriage is giving oneself to one person not a group.

[Selene EV]

Hi Anita
You sound like a wonderful woman and a terrific wife. I would give almost anything to have what your offering to your husband. My wife dosen't want to see it, talk about, know about it, nothing. I think asking you to bring a third person into the bed is way too much to ask. I have to agree with Dancing above. The only one who can help you understand is your husband.
Good luck
Selene

[Margot]

Anita; when CD's have problems expressing their fem feelings with their So's the advice is to talk about it with the SO. It seems the shoe is on the other foot here. I think you need to talk specifically about your feelings with him so that you can both better understand each other. Without this your relationship is doomed for sure.
There is no need to take this all on yourself,hon.
Talk it through. It will help you make decisions one way or another.
I hope it works out for you.

Margot

[Clara]

Anita, first let me say that I don't want to judge your husband, I have no right to do that. But you sound like a very supportive wife and I want to let you know that you have every right not to accept this desire of his. He might be bisexual or bi-curious or merely curious. I don't know. But does it really matter? Is it any different than if he wanted to have sex with another woman?

I think the only thing you can do is what other girls already suggested, talk to him. Let him know how it makes you feel. Good luck!

[Holly]

...we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than cross-dressing? Help me understand!

In a word, YES! Anita, you are an attractive woman. Either there is a clinical reason for your husband's abstinence, he has taken a vow of celibacy for religious reasons, or his sexual needs are being fulfilled somewhere else. Whatever the reason, he is absolutely wrong in not communicating with you. I hope that this is not his way of "punishing" you for not agreeing to have another CDer become a part of your sexual relationship. You would be well within your rights to demand an explanation from him. Should he refuse, I'm afraid I would see this as a sign of a toxic element having been introduced into the relationship.

[renee k]

Hi Anita,

This is just so wrong. After reading your post, you have my support. For the life of me I don't see why people get an itch, and insist it must be scratched.

Huggs, Renee

[Joann0830]

I think she is out of bounds on that one. You should never be put in a place where you have to chose between those thoughts. IMHO she is way over the line. Then to dare and say that you don't want her because you are not willing to get into an extra marital affair, for his/her benefit.

If I could reach out and give you a hug I would. She/He needs to get that head on straight and start taking ownership of her/his decisions and the results of them. Not lay the blame on someone or something else.

Honey. it is not you at all, being understanding and supportive thats what you are, but what your S.O. is asking for is way out of bounds in my book. That is not what CD is all about, that is your S.O. trying to fulfiil a fantasy. A marriage or relationship is respect and understanding of each other. I have been crossdressing for as long as I can remember since I was little and when I got married My wife (she Passed in 2001)we discussed things and she only said to me that as Long as I dont kiss her with makeup on we were fine. We both laughed and I totally agreed. Your S.O. should consider to be lucky to have someone like you, it is not easy to meet someone understanding, supportive and beautiful such as you. So dont even think it is you at all. Joann0830

[Joy Carter]

I can't add anything more. Just that I pray things work out for you.

[Jonianne]

Anita, you have every right to expect the marital bounds to be kept. It breaks my heart to see so many supportive SO's on here have so much difficulty when they have given so much. This is an issue you also have every right to expect frank discussions to try to find out what is going on.

[Sheila]

I want to let you know that you have every right not to accept this desire of his. He might be bisexual or bi-curious or merely curious[. I don't know. But does it really matter? Is it any different than if he wanted to have sex with another woman?

In a word, YES! Anita, you are an attractive woman. Either there is a clinical reason for your husband's abstinence, he has taken a vow of celibacy for religious reasons, or his sexual needs are being fulfilled somewhere else. Whatever the reason, he is absolutely wrong in not communicating with you. I hope that this is not his way of "punishing" you for not agreeing to have another CDer become a part of your sexual relationship. You would be well within your rights to demand an explanation from him. Should he refuse, I'm afraid I would see this as a sign of a toxic element having been introduced into the relationship.

Anita from another GG all the CDR's have said much the same but CLara and Holly's words spoke directly to my heart

I hope hun that you can find some answers from the family here

[Teri Jean]

Anita, I agree with the rest of the girls, It is not about you, he needs to take ownership and deal with his feelings not force them on you. Being widowed I would love someone like you in my life. Wish you the best and serious HUGGS. Keli

[Jilmac]

Anita, you are a very brave woman to ask the sisters on this forum (GGs and CDs) for advice. My heart goes out to you in your dilemma. It seems as if your hubby wants more than you can provide in wanting a bi sexual relationship. Please don't blame yourself or think that this situation is your fault. You have been supportive of his dressing which I know for a fact is something difficult for any spouse. I believe your best option at this point would be to seek out counseling to try to get to the root of his desire. There seems to be much more than crossdressing on his mind. I sincerely hope you can save your marriage.

[Mollyanne]

Hi there, I can't add anything to this except to give you words of support and encouragement in this most trying time.
YOU ARE NOT WRONG HERE!!!! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS ACCEPTED!!!! YOUR SO HAS OVERSTEPPED THE BOUNDARIES AND MUST MEND THE DAMAGE!!!!
I think most of us(cd'ers)would give their"eye teeth" for a woman such as yourself who is so accepting and has gone out of her way in order to make this work(up to this point)
Should you need to, e-mail me!!!!

Mollyanne

[Jess_cd32]

You are not doing anything wrong by placing the limit on him to not having a sexual relationship with another CD. After all, you are married. I love that you have been so supportive of his CD'ing and willing to help him in that respect. Sounds to me like he wants to have a gay relationship for which you do not have to accept. I think it's time for counciling. He has to decide if being a CD with a wonderful supportive wife is worth loosing that to have sex with another CD. I would love to have my wife be as supportive as you. Marianne

So far I've made it to this post and agree 100% with it, it's not you, its your SO. It has nothing to do with cd-ing what your SO is asking, your SO just happens to be a cd and is curious, that request is made by non cd's as well in relationships.
Nothing to do with you at all so don't take any blame or be forced into anything you don't want to do

P.S. Don't forget your amoung friends here that will support you as well

[Angie G]

You did the right thing saying no to what she wanted you to do. And then to act like that is inexcusable. To ask it is one thing but this is way out of line hun. Stick to you guns.
Angie

[Kelly DeWinter]

I have to agree with everyone else, This is clearly outside of your marriage. Everyone has boundries, it seems as if your boundries are not being respected. I would suggest a clear open discussion with firm boundries. Intamicy is part of a relationship. There are some other deeper issues going on here. Counseling can be a wonderful stepping stone to rebuilding a relationship. When seeing a counselor, be open and frank, talk about EVERYTHING ! A good counselor has heard it all before.

Kelly

[Vicky_Scot]

Anita thank goodness one of you in this marriage have morales.

Your husband needs a good kick up the backside to even suggest what he suggested. I may be well off the mark but this has nothing to do with crossdressing. He obviously is attracted sexually to men full stop. You do not just suddenly become sexually attracted to men because you put on a dress.

I am certainly upset by the part that you say he has no interest in you sexually. You certainly seem very accepting of your husbands dressing and I can assure you that many many wonderful loving men who dress, out there that would snap you up in a minute. And most importantly love you for being the woman you are and would not want anyone else in the relationship.

Bringing a third party into the marriage for sexual reasons or for any reason in fact is unacceptable in my opinion. My main concern is that he may be doing things behind your back already and you need to watch things on health grounds if you do have any sexual contact with him in the near future.

As many have said it is an agreement between two people. You stay strong and stick by your morales. I know its easy to say but i would really consider strongly if you want to stay in this marriage.

You will be in my thoughts Anita.

Xx Vicky xX