At a marital crossroads.....

[Amy Lynn3]

I can only echo what the others have posted. I do hope things turn around for you and you get the love you need from him. He is 100% wrong to deny himself, without very good reasons, that both of you agree on and to ask for another person to join the relationship is way over the top.I have no idea what reason he would have to ask a supportive wife for such permission, but stick to your guns and don't allow that to happen. I know many cders who would love to have a wife like you (myself amoung them) and would consider only your desires in a marriage. You have alot to offer any person in a marriage, so never feel you could be the reason. If you just want to talk to someone, please feel free to pm me anytime.

[rhondamichelle]

Dear Anita,

I agree with Kelly that at this point it may require professional guidance to help you determine where things go from here. And this forum is always available to help provide support and information.

Best wishes,

Rhonda Michelle

[kelliboots]

An extramarital affair needs to be addressed with help and counselling, but you were perfectly right to put a bound on him.

[suchacutie]

I read all the posts and finally came to the one that suggested counseling. I wish to more than suggest it. Your husband needs to understand the damage he is creating. Considering the massive issues he has created, you are a saint for still putting up with this situation! Leaving it as the elephant in the room at all times can only end in destruction without outside help. Joint counseling is really the only way, and if you suggest it and he rejects it, I'm sorry to say that I would see your options as badly limited. I do so hope he can be brought out of this destructive path he has chosen. There are hundreds of CDs here who would give parts of their anatomy for the kind of loving and sharing care you have shown to your SO. If he's not careful, he could find himself on the outside looking in.

all my best wishes for his enlightenment.

tina

[KimberlyG]

This gurl is getting ready to lose someone she may never be able to replace.
All the laughter and tears, good and bad you have shared, up in smoke.
S/he needs to snap outta' this!

Get some help before its too late and take her with you. A commitment was made hold her to it. By what you have posted you have far exceeded what others would have put up with - you surely love this person.

Marriages to great GG's are hard to come by as it is for us CD's.

I wish you well sister.

Hugs,

[trisha11]

First off let me say that I think he should be more than lucky and happy to have a wife that is so supportive. I am soon to be divorced because my wife was not open minded about Trisha at all. If you were supportive and encouraged her that is awesome. Try to understand that many of us cd's do this for very different reasons. Some of it is for the fun and excitement, some of it is because we really like being femme, but for some of us there is an added sexual piece. It sounds like your hubby has that. You could consider trying some toys or roleplay like a previous post suggests. All I know is that there are few and far GG's and SO's out there that truly understand and try to understand. He better hold on to you as it sounds like your caring and loving and have accepted this side of him.

Here is a big hug
Trisha

[Anita Mae GG]

TY to all of you that have responded.

We have done roll play and he seems fine as long as I have been the "man" but regular sex he isn't interested, or at least wasn't. I don't fear him doing thins behind my back as he is always here or at work. I do have "gay" concerns however and he denies it of course. I love him to death but I cannot stay this way forever. I feel unwanted, unloved and just a mom- not a wife at all. It is sad but he doesn't want to talk. I tried. I shipped the kids to a friends house and wanted to talk but as sooon as he got home and saw that he said "it is pointless talking to you- nothing will change" and then he went off to get the kids. I was/am devastated. It wasn't about cding or that other stuff/ that is 25% the issue. I really don't know what the issues are (other than the 3some) as he won't even talk to me. I don't know what to do. We have 4 kids 3 of which are 10 yrs and younger.

[rhondamichelle]

Anita,

I think they now have some sort of marital dispute resolution type counseling for couples that are at an impasse and from what you're describing it sounds like that's where you're at....might be worth looking into.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Michelle

[Shannen]

TY to all of you that have responded.

We have done roll play and he seems fine as long as I have been the "man" but regular sex he isn't interested, or at least wasn't. I don't fear him doing thins behind my back as he is always here or at work. I do have "gay" concerns however and he denies it of course. I love him to death but I cannot stay this way forever. I feel unwanted, unloved and just a mom- not a wife at all. It is sad but he doesn't want to talk. I tried. I shipped the kids to a friends house and wanted to talk but as sooon as he got home and saw that he said "it is pointless talking to you- nothing will change" and then he went off to get the kids. I was/am devastated. It wasn't about cding or that other stuff/ that is 25% the issue. I really don't know what the issues are (other than the 3some) as he won't even talk to me. I don't know what to do. We have 4 kids 3 of which are 10 yrs and younger.

I'm sorry that you and your children are in this situation. As far as I can tell, your husband wishes to live a "swinger" lifestyle, and one that is either bisexual or homosexual in nature. Holly, and perhaps others, suggested that he is getting sexual gratification from somewhere and I tend to agree. It may be from himself...

I also don't know how advanced his crossdressing is... could he perhaps be taking hormones? I ask because that would be the only other way I can think of for him to have a decreased need in the bedroom.

Does he show you affection in other ways? Kisses, hugs, just a smile across the room? If not, your children are growing up in a household where dad doesn't love mom... and that is damaging in itself. STD's? If he asked you to bring a male partner into the bedroom, then I would be asking him to pee in a cup or give some blood...

I wish you the best, and that everything turns out to be resolvable. I think 2 people can always work things out when they both try. You are on crossdressers.com looking for answers and support. He might be on swingers.com (if that exists...) looking for answers and support. I'm sure there are people in this world that will tell him that you are being a prude for not wanting to experiment with others. It's all just a matter of perspective, and you both need to reach the same perspective.

Most people here see his request as out of bounds. Some people here see a man's desire to wear pantyhose out of bounds. I questioned if I should write all this... sometimes we don't like to discuss these matters in public. For the record, I hope he comes to his senses and gives up his sexual fantasies that don't begin and end with you. One more thing, if you need to "talk" to a counselor by yourself, don't be afraid to. "Joint" counseling has its place, but take care of yourself too!

[MJ]

In a word, YES! Anita, you are an attractive woman. Either there is a clinical reason for your husband's abstinence, he has taken a vow of celibacy for religious reasons, or his sexual needs are being fulfilled somewhere else. Whatever the reason, he is absolutely wrong in not communicating with you. .

Dear Anita,
my heartbreaks for you too at this moment. you do need to talk with him !!! there is something very wrong here. you are a Gorgeous woman. unless there is a medical reason for this behavior.. i would tell him to put out or get out ..

[tall sam]

Reading this post, its difficult not to feel for you and add a thought.

Maby there is a bit more than just the CD and partner thing. Its very common for marrages to go through a hump when kids are about 10. We have three friends all with kids this age and all in the midst of sepperation, divorce etc. Even my own marage has been rough for a year or two.

It is not easy to address these issues - when you try to address them as you have it might seem to your partner that you are making an issue out of nothing and this simple process makes it worse. My wife sometimes want to discuss something and it really gets my back up as I thing its over and should just be left to fade away.

Well, here are a few hints that might help:
Ask if she (ie his female persona) would like to come to dinner and a chat.
Write your feeling down in a letter but make sure that the intention is positive and not a moan lette.
Avoid being confrontional for a while - get off his case for a few days and se if he responds with being a bit easier and open with you.

good luck and keep us all posted! - Sam

[Amanda_in_MA]

Anita,

Wow, my heart aches for you. Your hubby is a lucky man to have someone who appears to be as loving and supportive as you, yet he his trying to destroy the blessing that he has received.

IMHO ones wedding vows are something to take seriously, to love, honor and cherish all the days of your lives does not include inviting someone else into your material bed, nor should it. I sorry that you are going though this. I believe that there is something going on with your hubby. S/he appears to be looking for something and is “hiding” behind her crossdressing as an excuse to explore having an affair. For the sake of your health, and the kids, please girl get her to join you in couples counseling.

Look luck lov, my thoughts are with you.

Amanda

[Sheila]

Well, here are a few hints that might help:
Ask if she (ie his female persona) would like to come to dinner and a chat.
Write your feeling down in a letter but make sure that the intention is positive and not a moan letter.
Avoid being confrontional for a while - get off his case for a few days and se if he responds with being a bit easier and open with you.

Have you actually read the original post

Avoid being confrontional for a while - get off his case for a few days and se if he responds with being a bit easier and open with you.

[SIZE="3"]we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. [/SIZE]!

Her hubby is in a two year sulk because she will not allow another CDR into their sexual life

I am the wife of a crossdresser. It has been 2 years since he dressed and since it has been discussed. He said I didn't reall accept (because I had issue with inviting another cd'er into our lives in a sexual way).

I bought all kinds of stuff, encouraged him to meet people but I just couldn't go that extra step as it went outside the bounds of our marriage. He isn't interested in me at all. Don't get me wrong, we talk and joke and everything else is normal but we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than crossdressing? Help me understand!

and you advise inviting "her" in for a meal, writing an understanding letter but not moaning, and avoif being confrontational .................... He is damn lucky she has not buried him under the patio

[ReineD]

I am the wife of a crossdresser. It has been 2 years since he dressed and since it has been discussed. He said I didn't reall accept (because I had issue with inviting another cd'er into our lives in a sexual way). Please help me understand this and how he can just shut off that part of him. I thought I was an understandig wife. I bought all kinds of stuff, encouraged him to meet people but I just couldn't go that extra step as it went outside the bounds of our marriage. He isn't interested in me at all. Don't get me wrong, we talk and joke and everything else is normal but we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than crossdressing? Help me understand!

Did he want to invite a particular CDer into your bedroom, or did he engage in a physical affair, or was it cybersex? I echo the others in that he is out of bounds if he wants to do this and his expectations are high indeed if he takes your refusal as a sign you do not support the CDing. I've seen threads here where CDer's wonder if it is OK to explore this side of themselves and whether or not it is a betrayal to the relationship because they do not want to do it in guy mode? I do not know if this is the case with your husband. Here is a thread dealing with the issue: Being With a Man. The majority of the replies in this thread that address the question of cybersex as cheating agree it is NOT OK to do this.

He hasn't CDed in 2 years despite your support. He is fortunate to have your support! Is he having difficulty accepting it and is this something he wants to repress? I've seen advice here suggesting if the CDing is acknowledged and if he allows himself to express it, then eventually the question of being femme becomes demystified and the fantasies subside (if this is what he is having) and take on a more realistic flavor? Just a thought.

Whether he is overcome by his femme fantasies, or he has other problems as Holly suggested, he does owe you an explanation as to why he no longer wants to be intimate with you. You do not discuss the CDing, but what does he have to say on the subject of not wanting to be intimate?

One last thought. I don't know if you've considered this and please forgive me if it is not your situation. In the past while I was learning about this I mistook evidence of CDers supporting and validating one another through picture comments as an indication they were bi-curious and wanted to encourage a sexual relationship. It happened in my own relationship and I imagined scenarios that were not even close to being the truth for me. Granted there are CDers who are bi-curious or bisexual, but there are many more who have no interest in any sexual relationship even though they do validate one another.


/*EDIT*/ I just saw your second post .. sorry.

We have done roll play and he seems fine as long as I have been the "man" but regular sex he isn't interested, or at least wasn't.

... I feel unwanted, unloved and just a mom- not a wife at all. It is sad but he doesn't want to talk. I tried .. he said "it is pointless talking to you- nothing will change"

...I really don't know what the issues are (other than the 3some)

Any successful relationship requires communication and negotiation. If he only wants it his way without acknowledging your wishes or issues, or if you are interested in taking 'turns' but he is not, then he is not being sensitive to your needs! And is he now withholding sex because you will not agree to a threesome? Does he not care that you feel unwanted and unloved? You have just as much of a voice in this relationship as he does.

Wanting to stay in the marriage for the kids or for financial reasons cannot be discounted, but it does not sound as if you are happy being in a marriage of convenience. I'm afraid you need to ask yourself if this is how you wish to lead your life or if this is the environment in which you wish to raise your children.

It does seem at this point as if the two of you need to be in marital counseling in order to resolve this. Or, as Shannen above suggested, go see a counselor alone if he will not go with you, so you can best decide how to resolve this.

[Valerie]

Dear Anita,

As you have seen, our general opinion is that your husband is lucky to have you, and you are absolutely right in not wanting another person in your bed when he has shown no sexual interest towards you in two years. While I can sympathize with his confusion, he is clearly pushing the envelope. Counseling seems like the last option. If not, as hard as this may seem, get out of this relationship. You can find and merit a better one.

Valerie

[curiouslooker]

This is the perverted (go ahead and bash me for saying it) male side of him asking for this.

I warn you, my wife and I brought another woman into our bed and it was the biggest mistake of our lives. There is NO WAY this is a good thing. Yeah, it was fun when it happened. That's only because it is so taboo. I repeat, don't do it.

I speak from experience. If need be, go to a therapist. Marriage is a sacred thing and should be fought for. But, it is between 2 people not 3.

Good luck.

[MJ]

Dear Anita,

As you have seen, our general opinion is that your husband is lucky to have you, and you are absolutely right in not wanting another person in your bed when he has shown no sexual interest towards you in two years. While I can sympathize with his confusion, he is clearly pushing the envelope. Counseling seems like the last option. If not, as hard as this may seem, get out of this relationship. You can find and merit a better one.

Valerie

i disagree Counseling seems like the best option.. before it's too late

[Anita Mae GG]

Thank you all for your insight. Your responses have definitely given me some food for thought. I really appreciate it and I value everything you had to say......now to just get him to listen to me

[Sophia de la luz]

I have a hard time understanding how the situation has come to pass. I can't imagine living with a woman and going two years without sex. When my wife and I have difficulties we shift over to written communication. It allows each person to be complete with each round, and allows for more time to process what is being shared. It also helps each party get quite a bit clearer on who they are, what they need, etc.
I salute your openess to your husband's self expression. It seems to me that that sort of love will eventually bring you great happiness. It remains to be seen whether your current husband will get to share in that.

Good luck.

[kathtx]

Anita,

I don't have much insight to add to what's already been said, except to express my support and to be one more voice in the chorus reassuring you that your husband's behavior is WAY out of bounds. Any marriage where one partner refuses to talk is a very unhealthy marriage indeed, and you need to think hard about whether it is good for you and for your kids to stay in this marriage. You need to protect yourself and your kids.

As a partner in a marriage, you have inalienable rights to among other things (1) a willingness to talk through problems, (2) a monogamy, if you want it, (3) a healthy sexual relationship in which your desires are considered equally with his, and (4) emotional support through the difficult times. You are getting none of these.

On the question of "third parties": Some couples do choose to have non-monogamous marriages; it's apparent that your husband wants one. However, this is an issue on which you have *absolute* right of refusal. If you want a monogamous marriage, you have every right to expect him to comply, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

There are no simple answers here, but I wish you luck and strength to find your way through this.

Kath

[Delila]

I know that you said otherwise but it is pretty uncommon for CDers as far as I have seen to give up their crossdressing for as long as 2 years though I am sure it has happened. It definitely seems like he must be getting what he wants somewhere else. There are many CDers here that are successfully living in the closet and it is something that we are all practiced at. In the end it is truely unfair to demand such a thing as allowing another into your marital bed and something that should not be permitted. You seem like a very understanding and strong woman if your husband can't be happy with only you then I think that you really need to at least see a councelor to find out why.

[Jess_cd32]

.............There are no simple answers here, but I wish you luck and strength to find your way through this.

Kath

After reading more of this thread I think thats an understatement at this point, especially with young kids involved.

What I'm wondering that possibly might help to open some line of communication for them is if anyone here would be interested in calling this fellow CDer with her permission of course. Someone that can not only relate to the bi/or threesome desires he has but her as well not accepting it, someone non judgemental and openminded to both thoughts, just a thought.

Having the communication disolve and for that long isn't good, somehow it needs to be carefully brought back so both of you can disscuss this like adults. I know Anita you've allready gone above and beyond on your end, I see alot of selfishness in (his) behaviour (I'm calling "him" that for simplicities sake)

I think Anita he's really being tormented inside as far as he's concerned, and is really struggling with guilt, maybe some remorse, alot of confusion etc... . He needs to realize he's putting you thru worse while he's finding and grappling with his own indentity that he feels will possibly bring him happiness.
Its easy to condemn him at first for what he's doing, but now there needs to be a solution.

If worse comes to worse Anita PM me for my email and I'll talk to him via the net if you think that might help and he would/may talk about it. I'm a closet cd, straight with a SO so that's about the best I can offer, I am very open minded/ non judgemental though about what others choose to do and have had in depth conversations with all preference cd's over the years so maybe I could get him to reconsider talking to you again about this. I think he'll open up to another cd more easily than a councelor, he at least probably can relate to another cd easier having that in common. Hang in there and I'm hoping for the best for you both, esp for the kids sake, but I'm with you 100%and hold your ground

[ReineD]

I agree. It would be good to put everything on the table. It might open up communication. Is your SO a member here?

[Raquel June]

he said "it is pointless talking to you- nothing will change"

Can you give us any insight into what he meant by this? Is it all about him wanting a 3-some? Is there something you're didn't mention? Is there anything else that he's complaining about that he wants to change in your relationship?

It is a fact that having a 3-some destroys relationships almost without fail, so you certainly shouldn't blame yourself for not giving in to that. Most guys pursuing 3-somes are doing it because they're horny and they think their wife will give in. They do not abstain from sex for years when the wife doesn't give in, though.

A lot of people around this forum like to argue that most CDs are totally straight. That's untrue. There may be a lot of straight CDs here, but this forum isn't a valid cross-section of the CD community. I've met hundreds of CDs and most of them have no desire to come here. If you look around Yahoo groups, though, you'll see that there are many groups with many many bisexual CDs who want nothing more than to hook up with guys or other CDs.

Like several people have said, therapy/counseling would be great, but I doubt your husband would be interested in participating. When he refuses to even try, there's not much you can do. People rarely change unless they are faced with severe consequences for their behavior, and you have to be strong enough to present him with those consequences or you'll just be abused the rest of your life. You have to think of what's best for you and your kids -- although the kids definitely make things complicated.

I was in a 12-year relationship, the second half of which was loveless/sexless and very painful. For years I simply couldn't admit to myself that it was over because I was so in love with her. My life was miserable. She was fun to hang out with, but I could barely even get a hug out of her. Being totally alone is less lonely than the emotional distance was in that relationship because it was like constantly being faced with rejection/abandonment from someone who said she loved me. I still love her, and I still often doubt I'll ever be in love again, but I feel a lot better than I did when I was in that relationship.

[AndiSwitch]

Hi Anita

I am so sorry to read of your problem. Cross-dressing is such a varied thing...So many of us do it for so many different reasons. It sounds like your partner also harbours bisexual interests and a desire to turn a fantasy into reality despite knowing that you do not wish another CD in your relationship. You and he must talk and share what is good in your relationship and how you can rebuild the love and loving relationship that you both want.

Remind him how lucky he is to have such a lovely wife who accepts his cross-dressing. remind yourself of the positive aspects of your relationship. Talk (however painful) bout why you no longer have sex. ask him how that feels for hima nd why he has withdrawn sex. Ask him to consider how he thinks that will make you feel. Remind him of times when sex was good and therefore help him to consiedre how hurtful it must be for you to feel rejected (and frustrated).

Talk and listen to each other ad focus on the postive aspects of your relationship and how you can rebuild and restore the good stuff.

Maybe it would help to talk with a third party (impartial facilitator) to help you both to express your feelings.

I wish you good fortune and wish that I could help more.

Andi
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