Marriage is over and depression has set in

[Clare]

sorry if this thread rambles on, but i had a very traumatic time yesterday and need to express some feelings.

one month ago yesterday my wife and son left me and she took all the furniture, car, money, etc. yesterday she started her move interstate to live and i asked her to visit me with my son one last time, but she refused any contact and i'm pretty sure that i'll never see them again. my son is only 3 years old and he's lost his daddy through no fault of his own!

i made my request through my 22yo stepson to his mother and after he told me the negative response, i went into a tailspin on the phone and hung up on him while saying 'it was all over' - apparently he thought i was going to kill myself. Shortly thereafter the police arrived at my home and forcibly took me to the psych ward at the hospital as i was very incoherent when they found me. they lodged official police paperwork with the hospital which started a legal process on me - it basically meant that i was considered suicidal and subsequently i was forced into their care against my will - i was told that i could not legally leave without the approval of the head doctor from the pysch department and that i would be forcibly restrained if i did try to leave.

i spent all day going through pysch assessments with various specialists to ensure that i was not suicidal, homicidal (to my wife), was able to cope on my own healthwise - i have lost about 15 kilos in the last month because i haven't been eating. although i was certain i was going to be kept in the psyc ward with drugs for a day or two at the minimum, late last night they agreed to let me out on the condition that they were able to phone me at any time and that they could do random visits to see me - since i had no choice, i agreed. i resisted going onto medication and they have relented for the time being, but they can still override my wishes if they feel it necessary - they currently have legal authority to do so.

in regard to legal authority, i am still under their offical care until they consider that i am 'over' the immediate dramas - in other words, if they think i am going to have a mental relapse or i'm not cpoing in a general sense, they can still forcibly take me back to the pysch ward against my will!

i never thougt i would ever be in this position. normally i am an independant, strong person, so this is a real low point in my life!

if you all don't mind, i will probably add more to this thread as i sort through things.

i will go and have some breakfast now - it'll be the first time in four weeks that i've had a proper breakfast (i'm under orders from the Pysc doctors - they'll be checking on me).

thanks girls

Christine.

[sophieuk]

Just read you post. My wife and i split three years ago. I felt like ending very thing. I had had bad relationships in the past. First girlfriend got raped by a so called mate, the next left me for a mate. Now, i found out that my wife had also been playing round. Also with a mate. All the so called mates were different ones. I felt i could trcut no one, did not know what to do. I was thinking of things i could do to them all. I then wanted to die..........But, some thing happened. I just picked my self up. Ok, every one says that things get better. When they say that you want to call them liers. Well, three years on. I am happy. Ok, so i don't have any one but i have my health, life. I am so glad that i did not go through the things i wanted to do. I have a son who is eight. I see him ever single chance i get, which is a lot. Look, you fel down, pm me. I am more than happy to chat to you ok. Love sophieuk

[paulaN]

thay say every dark cloud has a silver lining, keep your head up.

[JoannaDees]

Keep hanging on. That is similar to my first divorce when I "lost" the home and kids. That was not true, but it sounds as if your ex is quite mean. Life does go on. You can see your child again if you want. Damn. I really have empathy for you, it's so close to my situation. But it has all worked out for the best.

[Mira]

I hope things get better. One day at a time. I'm 4 months out of an abusive relationship where I was the one constantly being abused but made to feel guilty for taking the abuse. It will get better.

On these forums I read a motto that I have now adopted to help keep the razor blades from my wrists: If you hit rock bottom, then there's nowhere to go but up. And if things get worse, it means you haven't hit bottom yet.

Focus on the small things. Food, work, getting dressed and showered in the morning. Human nature has a funny way of self-preserving itself. For days I walked around numb in denial of my loss and didn't even know it. Then, bam, I finally snapped back to reality. It takes time. Focus on you for now. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself well. We are here and vent, rant, regress, and whatever you feel like doing. It helps and I'll pray for you.

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Christine,

I wish there was something I could do to help you get through this situation.
Any time you want to talk,vent,whatever PM me,I'm a good listener.

[Like2BAspen]

I can understand how you feel. If it werent for my parents help and support I would probably be in jail but my ex a few lawyers and some judges would not be around to screw people over any more. I fought for my country and I would be damned if some ashole judge would ruin my relationship with my kids. If they did It would be there last. If I go down some people come with me. It is a crappy system. We should take some lessons from our arab neighbors. They know how to deal with woman and divorce. Even in russia they don't make it beneficial for woman to leave. Don't get me wrong but the system is tilted so far to one side I would hardly call it justice. I would never condone abuse of any one but what happens to men is the worst kind of domestic violence. It is emotional trauma no one can see Until this situation(divorce) escalates to massive violence No one will do anything. Do you t5hink anyone would have heard about the palestinians if they were quite and held a few signs up. Do you think people would have the benefits at work like insurance and paid vacations if some courages factory workers or miners from a hundred years ago did not die fighting for those rights. George Washington fought and a lot of people died for what they believed in. I don't like violence but the divorce INDUSTRY needs to be taken down. The destruction of the family should NOT be a profitable business. Until that happens situations like yours will be prevelant. They take your family, money,children home throw you in the street and tell you to give half your check with absolutely no concern about you and when you say how you feel at that moment your locked up. Sweety you are not insane your leaders are. When you get away and if you have a support system that can help more then words Then you can fight. Lawyers are useles for men they will take your money and do nothing except lead you further in debt. Most of them are incompetent. Learn how to do the paper work. And fight. You know your case better then anyone. The only people that might help is a gay and lesbian organization. Most of them have legal departments.I don't know where to send you but someone here must. Check some other gand l websites.

[AbbyLee]

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I did try to committ suiciide and should have been hospitalized, another time, I went into such a deep depression that it would have taken too much energy to kill myself, and was one day away from ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy). Finally, I found a very good psychiatrist who not only listened, but was able to find a regiment of medication that really worked (with some of the meds, it takes some time to obtain therapeutic blood levels) Also, my first wife left me the same way yours did you. Although this response is disjunct, my advise (what worked for me, was finding a good therapist, and 'forcing' myself to try to come out of my withdrawn state. The forum is one of the best 'first steps' for accomplishing this. Please remember we are all here for you, care for you, and empathize with you. Finally, with regard to your current situation, as painful as it is at the moment, this too shall pass, and you will emerge stronger and more experienced. No, better than emerge, YOU SHALL PREVAIL

With honest and caring love,

AbbyLee

[Imogen_Mann]

You dont tell us how long you were married (or maybe I missed it). I recently split up, not from a wife, but from my partner (I dont like the term "Significant Other"). We had been together for a while, and I can wholly sympathise with your feelings at the loss of your son. I havent lost my daughter (2 yrs old) to that same degree, I see her regularly enough, but when she is not here, I have just the very beginings of the feelings you must go through every day. The longer you are together, the more it hurts to part.

When I was at my lowest, empty cot syndrome had me thinking some very sinister thoughts indeed.

Strength and love to you Christine. We are here for you, please be strong !!!

XX

Jayme.

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

Your son will come back to you. I was in a similar situation, as was my mom. Trust me you aren't going to lose him.

Keep your head up.

[Merinda]

I'm really sorry to read this Christine ,

I wish you all the best and the strength to get through

[sarah]

The time has come to develop an attitude !!! When you love someone it hurts a very lot to let go but think about it ..If you cant hold on to someone then let it go better to happen now than later .you cant alter fate you can only delay it .The biggest problem you face is no one really knows how you feel ,we all have a fair idea but no one really knows...every day that passes it becomes easier and believe me when i say you will recover and go on and around the corner is the happines you want ....hang in ..

[mariej]

I have been down a deep dark hole too.But there seems to be a lot of really nice folks around here who may be able to offer you a ladder.
Try to smile through the pain.
L&P
Marie

[Vivian Best]

I'm certainly saddened by your situation! I wish I could say that I know how you feel, but I can't. I've been fortunate enough to not experience what you are going through. However, I've seen many people suffer as you are. My heart goes out to them and you!

There is a saying that "time heals all wounds" and I believe it does. I hope you can survive one day at a time. Concentrate on just living ONE DAY AT A TIME, then the next and the next. Hopefully, your wife (or ex) will soften with time and relent and allow you to see your child.

Please know that there are many on this site that support you to the fullest. Don't be afraid to rave and rant if that makes you fell better. Many here have had the same experience you have and they are still going. My hope is that you will too.

Vivian

[alba68]

All the girls on here, including me, will help and support you, so you needn't be on your own. And it's easy for me to say this now but things will get better.

[sophie/girl]

there is alot of girls to talk here love including me so u are not alone u will get great support here
love sophie

[Jeri Kay]

I am very sorry, and saddened, for you, Christine. I won't pretend to know how badly you feel. I have been married for forty one years. I do, however, have three sons who have all been divorced. They all have children, and have been through all manners of heartaches over their children.
I can only say that each are getting on with their lives, and doing very well. So, there is hope.
We are here for you if, and when you need to talk.
By the way, you have beautiful legs. Love You

[Wenda]

I have been non-confrontational my whole life. I recently short-listed for a nice position that requires a Liquor and Gaming License, hence an in-depth security check. I got a call from a security person and went to meet him. He was definitely not cuddly!! Turns out 9 years ago, when I came home to find my ex threatening our middle son with a can-opener, I intervened, then went for a walk. She called the cops. When I returned, she was giving them the weeping battered person statement. Just found out I had been charged!!! Probably cost me the new job! My advice: don't beat yourself up, but don't leave anything on your record. A decade later it can come back to bite you. Your family is the most important thing you have. Keep your focus on what is important. for what it is worth, we are here to support you! wenda.

[Julie]

I'm not even going to read this thread. I don't need to. My marriage of 23+ years ended June 1. I moped around the house for days seemingly unable to do anything for myself. Then I looked around and saw the mess my ex left and realized I needed to get it cleaned up. She was a stuff-a-holic, cleaning meant stuffing things away where they won't be seen. I felt overwhelmed thinking of cleaning it all up. But I knew I had to do something.

So I started on the kitchen and dumped out drawers, sifting through the buildup 18 years in this house left. Little by little I started to feel better. I wanted to make the place the way I liked it without any criticism or second guessing. So I looked at the newly cleaned off counter and thought about what it needed. Paper towel holder, a toaster that toasts on BOTH sides evenly, a real toaster oven, not the one I would have had in college, a nice set of pots and pans (she got the good ones), a nice knife set (ditto) and on and on.

I got on E-Bay and started surfing. Pots and pans - Calphalon heavy aluminum 8 pc. set ($125). Knives - Wusthof 23 piece Classic set ($733). Toaster and toaster oven - DeLonghi ($53 & $70). The place was coming together.

It was expensive but my happiness is priceless. (Did I mention I was sort of a perfectionist?)

But I had a long way to go.

My flash card for my camera took a dump - $85. But it was a lot better than the $300 I originally paid. And I was getting set to do video and maybe stills at Be-All. I remember all too well the lessons of the successfully happy - get involved by volunteering. I know I'll love doing this. My attitude was improving.

Looking back at the kitchen, I knew I still needed to do more. I went to Target and dropped $300+ on paper towel holder, salt & pepper shaker/mill, utensils, measuring cups, wood cutting board (she liked plastic) and some girly things - jewelry boxes (2), some junk jewelry, a pink purse & wallet, and some cleaning stuff. The place was coming together.

But while I was at Target I saw this silk plant that I really liked. It was bamboo with greens and purple flowers and I saw how nice it would fit in the front hall. It was $99.00 but too big to put in the cart with all I already had. So when I got home I went back to E-Bay (I'm hooked - You will have a hard time finding better prices). But it was too hard to find silk plants I wanted.

Back to Target. While there I saw something I liked more and a few other silk plants that would accent the place nicely. I want to do a tropical/island theme and plants are a must. When I get a green thumb I will start to buy live.

So another $250 dropped at Target and of course I had to buy some more girly things - two pair of summer sandals. When I got home I shaped the palms and plants and boy did they disappear! One plant stands out but the rest seemed to get sucked up and vanish. I guess I needed more greenery than I thought!

Now I've got a bunch of deliveries scheduled (including a new waterbed matress, liner & sheets) to look forward to. Tomorrow I have to tackle an air conditioning problem or I will melt soon. Laura called today and said she's coming over tomorrow to help. She doesn't know she's coming over to kick me in the butt to do this. It's a big job I really don't want to do but now with Laura and her girlfriend coming over I guess I can't have any more excuses. It will be nice to get this place cool again. You can bet we will be enjoying some cocktails on the deck at the end of the day.

Anyway, when I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and take advantage of all the things I wanted to do, things started falling into place. I took all my jewelry and organized it into the new boxes (I need more boxes). I cleaned up so many cabinets and drawers but still have a lot to go. I am looking at doing a Tiki Hut thing in the basement bar and maybe even at the counter at the kitchen. I want to find some bamboo and other tropical type enhancements to get the place set up the way I want. I'm like a kid who just moved out of the house. I'm feeling a bit giddy.

I look at it as something I have waited all my life to do. I gave up a lot to be a husband and father. I didn't mind, I loved them with all my heart. But when I was thrust into this divorce arena I never felt I wanted to enter I thought I lost it all. But I didn't. I just needed to give myself a good kick in the pants and remind myself that I am still in charge of my life and I did a damn great job raising the greatest kids in the world (proud papa syndrome). If I want to sulk and feel sorry for myself my life will be hell. But if I look at all the good things that can come from this, I will start to enjoy life again. And I am doing just that.

My daughter has said many times what Buddha said (and I paraphrase) - Don't dwell on things you can't change, it will give you a headache. I don't want to have a headache. I want to wake up in the morning and be glad I'm alive.

And it's all coming together

[Clare]

Thanks everyone for your replys and offers of support.

I have been alone in this big empty house for five weeks now and its time to clean it up and leave. i had been holding onto the hope my wife would come back and we could work out some of the immediate problems, but it was not to be.

Things are still bleak for me, as i have very little money, have no car, will lose my job (need's a car), my leftover furniture is going to my Dad's interstate, and i'm not sure of my immediate future. i may have to look after my Dad's house while he goes to Europe for two months starting July and do some fulltime Uni study in the meantime.

I know my wife & son are going to Canberra (Australia's Capital), so i will probably go there to be close to my Son. Hopefully, i should find work and somewhere to live. my life is totally confusing at the moment!

Julie M - we must be twins! A lot of what you wrote is happening to me - right down to the waterbed! BTW everyone, waterbeds are the best!!!

If I want to sulk and feel sorry for myself my life will be hell. But if I look at all the good things that can come from this, I will start to enjoy life again.

Thanks for the reminder Julie!

Since my forced visit to the Pysche ward at the hospital, i have come out a little more confident and positive. i have packed most of my possessions in the last few days, and started the heavy duty cleaning of the house. once i have everything ready, i'll call the movers and then rent out our house.

If the wife forces me to sell the home, i will never have the income to afford another mortgage at my age, so i'll really have nothing left if the Wife gives me the final stabbing.

We were only together for nine years and our Son is three years old, but we never really did much as a couple. The pyschologists think she has been in depression all that time since her Mother died of Cancer. they think she hasn't let go of her Mum and that's why our relationship never fully evolved. She was trying to live in her mother's image and not with me. Oh well, its too late now.

I have only been to a little therapy of late, but i can see myself spending a lot time on the couch for a while yet.

Thanks again everyone, although suicide was never really an option for me (i'm too gutless) the Hospital pysche department definately made sure i was no threat to myself. Yes, i'm more or less at rock bottom at the moment, but in the short term i have some plans that i need to achieve to get some self esteem back.

I just read the above - it seems like i'm rambling - sorry, i'll go now.

Christine.

[DonnaT]

Hmmm, it doesn't sound like you went through a divorce process yet. If not, who's name was the car in? If it's in your name only then you should be able to get it back, even if it's through the police, so you can keep working.

[Clare]

Donna, my wife and i were technically a DeFacto relationship which has legal status in Australia just like a marriage.

Unfortunately, anything of value left was in my wife's name, so whilst i utilised my own assets and got into debt on behalf of my wife, anything she had of value in her name was held back for emergencies.

I just never realised the emergency would be her using our last investment to leave me!

Christine

[Tina P Hose]

Stay tough...Some people claim, that PRAYER will help, try that if you want.