Help explain this to me.

[2B Natasha]

OK. Someone please explain this to me.

So tonight is the Transgender day of remembrance or TDOR. I wanted to participate and I thought this will be a good opportunity for me to go out and present myself as Lisalotte.
I drove to another city about an hour away to be sure not to run into anyone that I knew. So I get there and I see that I am fashionable late. So I sit in my car and check my makeup before getting out. When I get to the front door and see the people I can't go in. I know there are other CD;s in there. I can see them through the window. But I can't open the door. Back to the car and leave. On the way home I really want some perrier and a bottle of wine. So I convince myself that I can go and get these items. I know of a grocery store that has self checkout counters. So I get to the store and site there and check my hair and makeup. Out of the car. Up to the door and into the store. Get my water and bottle of wine. Off to the checkout counter. Damn machine says " Show the checker your ID " So I do. run my card and leave. No problem. I might add that I got stared at by everyone that saw me. I guess you don't see to many 6'5" women that are built like linebackers. Whatever.

Now. Why could I go into the store and be read by everyone that looked at me and still no problem. I could see the checkout lady look me up and down when I had to show her my ID. I could read it in her face " That is one big Transvestite " or the kid in the lobby. I wanted to close his mouth because I was afraid if he stood there any longer with his mouth open he would start to catch flies. But I can't go into a CD meeting where, yes they will look, but they expect to see me there? I look like allot of the people in there. Is it because I knew that if i went into the TDOR that someone would talk to me? Was it because I am only a CD and this event is, in my mind, for SRS tanspeople. ( Is that a word) In the store if someone talked to me I could just ignore them, perhaps?

On the plus side. I definitely did my part to make about 100 people aware of the Transgender population. I guess that is what the day is all about, right.

Any ideas?

[Sophia de la luz]

But I do think you did your part.

I did too. I wore a set of heels to my dentist appointment with femme pants and sweater. No one commented, but I assume they noticed. Had fun walking around town as well.

Not as bold as you, but the same direction.

[gagirl1]

Was it because I am only a CD and this event is, in my mind, for SRS tanspeople. ( Is that a word) In the store if someone talked to me I could just ignore them, perhaps?

not to make you feel worse, but this event is open to anyone supportive of the community. you would have been welcomed with open arms. it's just a thought, i might be way off, but maybe a part of you was afraid of facing the difficult situation of confronting the sadness that was ahead, and you weren't able to overcome the fear of being broken down emotionally while out dressed. it would have been, without a doubt, an intense emotional experience. maybe just being dressed is enough to get you nervous, and the added stress of emotions was too much. and you know what, that's perfectly fine. you were brave just going out there. don't feel bad. i think you definitely did your part by showing yourself to world, saying, "hey guess what, i'm here, and i'm not a lunatic. i'm just like you." i think you still did a very brave thing, and i guarantee you made an impact on those people.

[sandra-leigh]

Was it because I am only a CD and this event is, in my mind, for SRS tanspeople. ( Is that a word)

The list of the dead they read off at our local TDOR: some of them were transsexual, but a bunch of them were crossdressers.

Remember what the Stonewall Riots started over: the police went in to known gay places not to harass gays (they had reached an accomodation with them): the police went in to root out the Crosssdressers (cross-dressing was illegal in that time and place.)

[Tracii G]

Hey Lisa don't feel bad I was real nervous getting out of the car at the first trans meeting I went to.What you did was something not many guys would do, you got a pair in my book!
I got asked at work by two regular macho type homophobes hey man why are you wearing a pink rubber band on your wrist".
I told them exactly what it was for and they said OK we just wondered.
Had a lady at a gas station ask me and she said that was a sweet thing to do for the people that were murdered.So it takes all kinds.

[sterling12]

Gatherings and meetings are never about how you look! There are plenty of "linebacker" TS Girls out there, plenty of large CD's.

You would have had to talk to folks, but all your going to find is friendly people who are glad to see another Sister come out and show support. Your about 3/4 of the way home. The next time you will do it! Your going to arrive and enjoy, and you'll be kicking yourself in the pants, cause' you didn't do it sooner!

By the way, your fears about meeting other Gurl's are pretty common. Everyone thinks the number one question for newbie's at Tri-Ess Meetings is: "Will I run into someone I know?" Actually, much more common to hear someone say, "I was really worried that I would be pretty enough...would I be accepted?"

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Jamie M]

I wonder if want you describe is actually a more common situation than you give yourself credit for. Now i don't want this to sound negative, moreover i'd like to salute you for you bravery in getting out there at all , it's always a big step regardless of how , where and when it's done so don't let it get you down. Could it be that in going to an event like this for the first time , you are worried about opening an emotional door to somewhere the you feel will be hard to shut , the proverbial pandora's box as it were ? Whereas in the shop in a different city , the encounters you have are fleeting at best , you can be pretty sure that these people will not say anything negative , they may show it in there body langauge but once you're out of there chances are you'll never see them again and that'll be it. What's more you are safe in the knowledge that no bridges were burned in the adventure , you could stop tomorrow and no one would be the wiser. However by going to these meetings could it be that you're concerned you won't be seen as 'worthy' by you peers or that you fear not being accepted as a peer at all ? Possibly it's that although you have been 'seen' out by shop workers, passers by etc , the step to conversing and interacting with others on a more personal basis is more frightening to you than you think. It could be any or all of these or indeed i could be spouting a whole lot of nonsense ( that's alot more common than you may think too ).

All in all , don't beat yourself up over this , look into yourself to try and find the reasons and see what you can learn from it. You've already done a brave thing by be able to get out at all and there's no reason to force yourself into doing more if that's not what you're ready for. In time you may feel different and give it another go

[tawneyfox]

Now, my question is, (an only you know the answer to this one) did you really "want" to get in to the meeting? As you saw others in there an idea comes to mind of a pebble to the window may have gotten someone's attention. You did show great courage getting your wine (kudos). Certain moments of courage happens when we least expect them. I do think that you did your part. Awareness is the key.

Tawney
I am who I am. No apologies, Period, full stop!

[2B Natasha]

Thanks Ladies for all your thoughts.

I think I just need some time to think about it and understand why. I think part of it s that there are people both MtF FtM that look better then myself. But none of us start out looking like a supermodel.

I do have tendency to conjure up the worst case scenario and implant my myself in it. Which is weird, because when I meet a CD or someone that is not "Societal normal " i don't do anything except what ever I was doing.

I can say I would be surprised if it was am emotional thing, as I have the emotional range of a rock, but I have been surprised by myself before.