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Thread: should I tell about my dressing

  1. #1
    Junior Member kathly's Avatar
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    should I tell about my dressing

    I love my current GF and I feel our love is great, but I would like to tell her about my dressing. I am kind of scare because I have try to bring the subject in general terms(not about me but what she though about it) and she kind of did not like it. No i want to be honest but i do not want to loose her.
    I read some of the post and I know it could go really bad or really great. But I have already gone through this before and I got burned badly.
    well Thanks

  2. #2
    A California Girl Rachel Morley's Avatar
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    Look at the top of this main board. There's a great sticky there called "How to tell your partner". Why not read that first before you broach the subject. Good luck!
    .
    The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!

  3. #3
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    I would say if you see yourself getting married ect...and she is the one. You need to tell her..........because trust me...it only leads to more heartache all around when she finds out by accident later in life and there are kids and so forth even worse.
    It is part of you and you should want someone that loves all of you..........as scary as it is......it is much better to have the talk if you see the relationship getting serious.
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  4. #4
    Unofficial CD Mom Holly's Avatar
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    Do you want to spend your relationship in hiding and fear of discovery? Or participate in an atmosphere of honesty and trust? What you do now will form the foundation you will build your lives on.
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  5. #5
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    If she realizes that its because you love her ,that your telling her, great.I Would let her know that when telling her.On the other hand if she's upset she will at least know you were up front and honest.Lets not let our desire to want to be with someone outweigh our desire to be truthful with them.

  6. #6
    Silver Member linnea's Avatar
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    If I could do it over, I would tell my SO from the beginning and take my chances about losing her. It's not that I value crossdressing over her; it's that I think that it's like any other quality: I want her acceptance for me as a whole person.
    warmly, Linnea

  7. #7
    Senior Member emmicd's Avatar
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    i think it is a subject that can be difficult to talk about and you would have to ease into it and allow your girlfriend to take it in. i'm not sure if you should rush in to telling her. sometimes subtlety is best.

    good luck!

    emmi

  8. #8
    Member Jessinthesprings's Avatar
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    Before you do anything I think you should consider the following:

    1: why do you want to tell her?
    2: By telling her what do you hope to gain by it?
    3: What would she have to gain by it?
    4: Do you plan marry her? If so, you very much should.

    You may consider not telling her if you cannot answer those questions that would benefit both of you.
    I was told that I was "Way out there In left field", but I don't even know where that is.

    Jess

  9. #9
    XpoisonXgirlX Kayla Shadows's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachel Morley View Post
    Look at the top of this main board. There's a great sticky there called "How to tell your partner". Why not read that first before you broach the subject. Good luck!
    Yes,I would read that thread.Your already in it now so you really have to make a decision

    Quote Originally Posted by linnea View Post
    If I could do it over, I would tell my SO from the beginning and take my chances about losing her. It's not that I value crossdressing over her; it's that I think that it's like any other quality: I want her acceptance for me as a whole person.
    I agree with this totally

    If your honest from the start it stops the trend of being burned.After my favorite GG DD opened my eyes,I will never be with someone who does not know who I am.I want someone who I can tell everything and anything.Someone who is my bestfriend that I can share all of me with.No secrets,no hiding,no lies and just live our lives.I would rather be alone then be with someone who does not like me for me.If you think you want to date me,then there is something I think you should know...because you deserve that...and so do I.

    Nobody has to think like me.This is just my opinion and what I want out of the life I have to live.I only get one and Im going to live it as me.
    Last edited by Kayla Shadows; 02-23-2009 at 01:32 AM.
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  10. #10
    Member Ralph's Avatar
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    Just wanted to add my voice of agreement to all the others here. If you tell her and she decides it's too much to handle and breaks it off... I know that will hurt, but not nearly as much as WHEN, not if, she finds out about your deception after you have years and years invested in one another.

    I have not read the "How to tell..." sticky/faq but I'm sure that's the first place you should look. I have also written a few other comments in other threads about how to approach it gently so she's not overwhelmed.

    Do share with us how it turns out, so we can stop worrying for you!

    ralph

  11. #11
    Meberette Hope's Avatar
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    If you are planning on staying together indefinitely, getting married, et.al. then you really need to tell her, and sooner is better than later. Sure, she might break up with you - but if she is going to break up with you over this, that too is better that it happen sooner rather than later.

    If on the other hand you are just having a fling and you don't plan on "happily ever after" with her - then you don't need to tell her, but why not tell her - you have little invested and it will be good practice for you someday when you are with someone you are invested in...

    Either way, when you tell her - do it the right way, make it fun and quirky, don't act like you have cancer and sit her down to "have a talk" about "something serious."

  12. #12
    Member Lori Robins's Avatar
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    Honesty

    Honesty really is the best policy. If you really love her and don't want to hurt her you have three choices, 1. tell her and get it out in the open and have a open loving honest relationship, of course if she doesn't feel as tho she can cope with that then, well its not sposed to be. (easy to say I know) 2. don't tell her and have her find out later that you have been lying to and decieving her and most probably destroy everything (to most girls I know being lied to is the same as cheating) 3. Stop dressing and try to live a normal life. I would go for choice one but its easy for me to say as I have a wonderful understanding lady who I told about Lori from about the third week in (but she is a fairly open minded lady)
    Whatever you decide Good Luck
    Lori
    IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT!!

  13. #13
    Aussie girl Tasha McIntyre's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by linnea View Post
    If I could do it over, I would tell my SO from the beginning and take my chances about losing her.
    I could not agree more. I wish I could go back to the beginninng of our relationship and spill the beans to the wife.

    Good luck

    Tash

  14. #14
    Junior Member sally1980's Avatar
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    I wish I knew how well my wife would take it.
    The number of years I spent skulking when, if I had only known that she loves all of me, we could have had a much fuller and more rounded relationship. It is a difficult choice but I now totally regret not being open from our third date. Good luck whatever you decision you make.
    Sally

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  15. #15
    Senior Member Kelsy's Avatar
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    It is one of the scariest things to do!! You can never tell what the response will be! Could be total rejection! But if sheaccepts you as you are and is willing to grow with you in a loving relationship, life can be very sweet and exciting. She deserves to know all of the truth if you are getting serious. If by chance she shows you the door then at least you can know that you were totally open about yourself and that is a healthy thing!!

    Kelsy
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  16. #16
    Member Bridged's Avatar
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    Well, I can only add to the above posts by giving you a bit of my own experience being a GG who found out quite a few years into a marriage.
    What stuck out to me in your post was the part about bringing up the subject in general, and finding that she had a negative reaction. Please don't let that be your guide in deciding whether or not to tell her. Before I knew about my husbands crossdressing, I had little or no knowledge about crossdressers. I had preconceived notions that cding was a sexual perversion, only freaks cd'd etc.... A few years into my marriage I found evidence of my husbands cding, I didn't handle it well and sent him further and further into the closet....dark days........As time went on, I continued to find evidence, but I took a different approach, found myself here and well, my eyes were opened.
    I still didn't understand it all, I still had years of misinformation to unravel, but the point is that despite my initial reaction, I loved my husband and wanted desperately to save our marriage. It wasn't nearly as difficult a task as I imagined it would be for a few reasons.......
    1. Once I began to get real information I was able to set aside my preconceived notions about crossdressers in general and begin to see them as individuals, with different lives and stories.

    2. As I explored this on my own, with my husband and here on the forum, it became clear to me that no matter what, he was still my husband, who I fell in love with so many years ago.

    3. Most importantly, I think, once we began to share this honestly with each other, I was surprised to see a change in him that I can only guess came from the freedom he now felt in not hiding this from me. Our relationship is better than it ever has been, not because he is a cder, but because he is free from the burden he carried alone for so many years.

    I'm sorry if this is a bit wordy!!! but when I look back on my earlier days here, I was so angry! And it was the lies and the feeling of betrayal that led to that anger. My husband has told me that he NEVER thought I would accept this because of some things that I had said in the past, that's why he hid it from me. The truth is that I love HIM, I don't have to love all the things that he does, but I love him.

    I hope this helps even a little in your decision. Like others have said before, there is not a guarantee that she will take it well, but if you love her and plan to continue in the relationship, she deserves a chance......and so do you.

    Good luck
    Bridged
    still learning

  17. #17
    Silver Member JoAnne Wheeler's Avatar
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    I see a problem here - if you are a crossdresser, then you should know by now from reading this FORUM, that you can NEVER give it up and it will be with you for your lifetime - either you need to get it out in the open with her now or you can look forward to a life of secrecy and stress and depression - and somewhere along the way, she is probably going to find out - then what are you going to do or say ?

    JoAnne Wheeler

  18. #18
    Junior Member kathly's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your advice it helps a lot. I have realized that if I hide things is going to get harder down the line. I will keep all of you updated on this progress. Thanks again

  19. #19
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    The one thing that I have trusted a great deal in my life is my heart and gut feelings. So although it was difficult to open things up with my wife again, my heart and tummy was telling me to do this. I was beginning to get those sinking feelings and so I felt it was time to just open up again with her.

    Others have said that if she is the one that you are going to spend the rest of your life with, then overall the outcomes are best if you talk to her. CDing will not go away as your love for her will not either. Taking the risk is difficult but well worth it because then it is in the open. Wishing you all the best.

    Lauren

  20. #20
    Silver Member kristinacd55's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kathly View Post
    I love my current GF and I feel our love is great, but I would like to tell her about my dressing. I am kind of scare because I have try to bring the subject in general terms(not about me but what she though about it) and she kind of did not like it. No i want to be honest but i do not want to loose her.
    I read some of the post and I know it could go really bad or really great. But I have already gone through this before and I got burned badly.
    well Thanks
    Don't wait 34 years & then have her find out like mine did. It's tough, but the right thing to do. Good luck!

  21. #21
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
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    IMO you need to talk to her about it, please don't let her be like a lot of GGs who find out years down the line, and then have a lot of difficulties.

    I don't think anyone here can say how a GG feels (except a GG whos been there) when she finds this out after many years of marriage, the feeling of being lied to all those years and also knowing that someone who you love couldn't trust you to tell them.

    Good luck with what ever you do, and remember she would be welcomed here to chat with other GGs, and know that she is not alone.
    Sandra
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  22. #22
    Senior Member carolinoakland's Avatar
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    Well I'll say this, not being able to be me I subconciously sabotaged every relationship to get out of it. be honest with who you are. if you can't live the life you want. you're not living YOUR life. you're living someone else's expectations of you and your gender identity. Carol

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member Sasha Anne Meadows's Avatar
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    I believe there is some excellent advice being shared here. Telling your SO about your cding needs is the only way to go for several reasons:

    --- Honesty is always best. In almost all cases hiding this and later being discoverd makes things vastly more worse. Many a wife has felt worse about the betrayal than the actual dressing.

    --- She might actually like it. I hid my desire to dress from my wife for 27 years. When it finally came out I discoverd that she actually liked it (though don't count on that). Now I am making up for lost time.

  24. #24
    Senior Member Carly D.'s Avatar
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    Try to find a video on youtube with cross dressing as the subject and then tell her you saw this video and ask her what she thinks about it.. nothing dirty, just like this one here : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5d-FTRSUfyU and see how she reacts.. tell her you were searching for something on Google or whatever and this was one of the things that came up.. if she asks what you were searching tell her it was something innocent enough but that you misspelled it and that's what came up and that you don't know how you spelled it wrong for that result.. some load of.. you know... you know??..
    This is what I mean by "every guy can look like a girl from the right angles".. this is one of the first pictures of me dressed up.. very vague look.. almost fem...

  25. #25
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Why would you want to be with someone who wouldn't accept such an important part of you? It is better to find out now than later. Also if you are young and this girl is not for you, you will find someone who is open-minded about this much more easily than your predecessors.

    But do let her know that you are telling her because your feelings are so strong and you are showing her your deepest, most vulnerable self.

    Good luck!
    Reine

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