need help

[unhappywife]

You might try to tell me how I am a terrible wife after you read this but I need some one to talk to and due to my husbands job I am limited on who that can be. I guess by talking to more people like him I feel I might have some idea of what I can do and if what I said to him was wrong or not. Me and my husband have been married for 2 years this December.We just had a beautiful daughter less then a month ago and my husband just told me he is in to cross dressing. My automatic response was to tell him if he really wanted that then to divorce me and go be happy because I could not deal with the idea. I still cant. He then told me that he would ignore the idea, I tried to tell him that it wasn't some thing that he could just ignore but as it is sitting he still wants to try to ignore the idea. He has never acted on his desire to cross dress, in fact he didn't get the idea till he married me. I then tried the it will ruin your life( keep in mind my husband's job is the military). I have seen first hand what this does to a family and I also know that there are two kinds of familys when it comes to this. There is the kind of family that can deal with any thing and make it through some thing like this and then there is what my family is, it gets torn apart.Maybe not right away but it slowly gets torn apart. Now some of you might be thinking I am close minded but I can assure you I am not. I am bisexual and so is my husband I have a few friends who do cross dress and I am all for the idea of them being happy, but see here is the difference I am not married to them. I guess I feel that if this is some thing he really wanted then the right choice would be to divorce me and go be happy, even though its not what I want. I do love my husband more then any thing and would be willing to do almost any thing for him....almost being the key word. I have had experience with the cross dressing life style before when I was younger and I saw it tear a more or less happy family apart and caused more mental issues for the daughter that was involved.
My husband told me that being with me would make him more then happy yet if that was the case how can he sit here and ignore part of who he is and still be happy? As I said at the start of this I am probably going to be told how terrible I am and how I would probably deserve to be divorced but keep in mind I offered to let him go and be happy since I could not cope with the idea. The idea of him in woman's clothing is a sexual turn off for me. I even told him that he would probably be happier with some one who could deal with the idea. Needless to say what he wanted to be a talk turned in to an argument of about 12 hours and resulted in me grabbing my daughter and some of hers and my belongings and going to stay with a friend. We had both taken off our wedding rings and more or less prepared our selves for a divorce.
I dont want him to be interested in this but he is and the only thing I can think of to do is ask him to forget about it or to leave me and go be happy being 100% who he is. I guess your probably wondering why I am even on here in the first place when I dont even want to play with the idea. well here is a little insight I am what you would consider a guilty person. I have never had a successful relationship more or less till I got with my husband. I have always been the person to make the sacrifice to make the relationship work and I have always been the one who had to make the choice of this or them. So being in the position of making him make this choice makes me feel as if I am the most horrible person around. I just want some insight on what to do about all of this. I mean was I wrong to suggest him divorcing me when he knows I will always love him but want him to be happy and know that cant happen with me?

[Sheila]

Sweetie,
firstly welcome

Secondly I am a GG (genetic girl, female at birth, what ever you want to call me)

Thirdly, not all relationshops are torn apart by crossdressing, there and many many long term mariages here that have survived crossdressing, some of those involeve supporting, actively involved ,nsome have wives that know but want no part in CDing , both kinds and may inbetween survive this


The fact that both of your are Bi is neither here nor there, your sexuality has nothing to do with crossdressing


Your lives need not be torn apart by this, talk to him calmly, and truthfully

Good luck hun

[MJ]

first of all welcome to the forum. i am sorry to hear your Delmer but just because someone else had a bad experience don't mean everybody will. you say you are both Bi.. so whats the real problem. you say you love him very much so yet can't deal with his wanting to cross-dress. and he Evan asked you . most guys don't Evan do that.
cding between two accepting adults can be fun . i don't understand your problem. is it because he is in the military ? are you ashamed. or is there a lot more to this than meets the eye. cross dressing is a great excuse for a ticket out of a marriage. forgive me thats my feelings on this..

[Holly]

I don't think you are terrible at all. What I do think is that you are confused and that you have had some pretty bad examples of what transgendered is and can be. My wife and I celebrate our 40th anniversary in a few days. She knows all about me. My adult son and daughter know all about me. My daughter has even been out with me.

What is it about CDing that you don't care for? You said it's a sexual turnoff for you. Fine, keep it out of the bedroom. That's fair. We all deal with boundaries every day of our lives. For some it's how much golf we play or how many craft projects we have going at once, or how many times a week we go to the gym. Boundaries are appropriate.

I do disagree with the "two types of families" you talk about. I think there are two types alright, but they are these... one type is willing to devote the time and effort necessary to fulfill the love of their families and the other who give up when it gets a little uncomfortable.

Yes, you were wrong in suggesting he divorce you if you love him and he loves you. Instead of a 12 hour argument, why not a 12 hour strategy session on how to make your marriage stronger. Look for some common ground. Educate yourself on cross-dressing and transgendered. Talk to your husband and find out where his heart is. If it's just about wearing the clothes and you don't want to see it, make an arrangement when he can have some time to himself. If he is looking to explore the more feminine part of himself, you could be a wonderful asset in his search for such knowledge. There are many wives who would be pleased with a more understanding husband and one who is in greater touch with his emotions than most men appear to be.

The next move is up to you. Tell him that you may have overreacted and that you want to know more about how he feels and where he wants to go... that you are willing to educate yourself if he is willing to take things at your pace.

I hope yours will not be the family who gives up to easily but perseveres to the finish. I can only assure you that the rewards are spectacular. Best wishes!

[Maxi]

Is he still the man you married? What is it that bothers you so much about it? I realize you are so sure it will ruin your relationship, that it could.

With my line of work, the magazines I have been in, and TV programs, I have been on, along with my connections to the educational system, I am very well known for my innovative ideas. If it were to become public, that I like to crossdress in the privacy of my own home, It could be a major issue. But what happens in our house, stays in our house. My wife has been very supportive of my desires, and it has helped to bring us closer together.
It is a way of taking time out from reality for us. A way of putting the stress of everday life aside. Clothes do not change who the person is, except in Hollywood. We are a very upstanding couple, and really involved with our community, and always willing to help those in need.

It can be your secret, with no harm to anybody.
Would you prefer he took up drugs?
That would devistate his life.
He works hard for his country, can't he be appreciated at home and allowed to express who he is. You should thank him for his dedication to his country, not scold him for his dress.

Since Silverton Oregon elected a crossdresser as mayor, I am willing to think who the man is, is more important than what he wears.

Just my

[unhappywife]

I guess I find the whole thing disgusting(not trying to offend any one and I am sorry if I do). The idea of him wanting to be a female when I am a perfectly functioning one kinda puts a downer on me. I am suffering from postpartum from my pregnancy. I grew up in a very closed minded family so in my opionion yes the sex are what they should be in a marriage such as male is a male and a female is a female. its not just the bed room idea I just dont want him to do it period. saddly there is no compromising for me in this situation. as for my daughter I want her to grow up open minded but not because of what we do. the person who I was referring to was me. I was 12 years old when my father decided to tell my mother he wore womans clothing and yes it tore my family apart. the man I call dad now is my step father. Saddly I guess I would be the selfish one in this to tell him to stop or to divorce me. I do love my husband but I cant go back to what I had to deal with with my father. he was also in the military and Cding ruined his life and ours as well

[Maxi]

You might want to try counseling. I am sure the military has this available to you in the private sector. It sounds to me like you have some self esteem issues. If you were comfortable with who you are, the dress would not seem like such a threat.

I wish you the best of luck in working it out, as divorce is not what you really want, for you, or your child.
I have been through it, not because of crossdressing, but because she got mixed up with drugs. I was the one that filed, and wound up with what we had left, and my kids too, from a female judge yet. Not what you want to go through.

[Holly]

Unhappy, you can't have it both ways. You say you want your daughter to grow up open minded. As parents, we best teach by the example we set. I don't know how it was with you, but the old, "Do as I say, not as I do" mantra from my parents pretty much fell on deaf ears.

May I be candid? You say the whole idea of your husband exploring his gender feelings to be "disgusting." And yet you acknowledge you are bi-sexual. Doesn't that fly a bit in the face of the, "male is a male and a female is a female" dogma you state? I'm only suggesting that you have some conflicts within your own life to resolve. It seems to me it would be so much easier to do so with someone at your side who loves you and who you love as well.

Your marriage is two years old. Do you really want to give up so soon on someone you love? Honey, there is so much more to learn.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You and your husband need to have a real heart to heart talk. Apparently, you are unable to accept the fact that your husband is a crossdresser, even though you indicated that you can accept crossdressers so long as it is not your husband.
If you have read any of the information contained in this website or if you have read anything about crossdressing, then you know or should know that:
1. if your husband is truly a crossdresser, he cannot and will not be able be able to stop his crossdressing, and
2. even if he swears that he will stop crossdressing, he can't really make that promise in good faith - too many husbands have made that promise only to break it in the future - that is because this "urge to crossdress" is very, very powerful, and
3. he may resent you making him promise to stop, because when the "urge" reappears, and he is unable to satisfy that "urge", he will become irritable, unhappy, sad, mad, and very, very depressed - a lot of us have been there - I stopped for 10 years and made the promise to my spouse that I would never crossdress again - the "urge" came back stronger than ever after a 10 year interval. I experienced all of the emotions that I listed - I even got physically sick with ulcers and severe depression and suicidal thoughts, and
4. if you are sure that you cannot stand for your spouse to crossdress, then you may need to divorce and go your own way now.

It is a very hard decision - but just remember, your spouse did not choose to be a crossdresser. None of us would choose to subject ourselves to the internal torment that we endure. Sure, many crossdressers write that they love crossdressing and would not stop even if they could, I suspect that those of us who are married and love our spouses, could not or would not make that statement until they had first come to the realization that they were born this way and have accepted that fact and have been able to explain this to their spouses.

Its not easy being married to a crossdresser, BUT, IT IS A LOT HARDER TO BE A CROSSDRESSER.

Good luck !

JoAnne Wheeler

[TxKimberly]

I just don't know what to say. Reading your posts makes me want to cry for both of you. Clearly you are both in a lot of pain and likely headed for even more.

The bad experience you had with your father is clearly a major and traumatic part of your life. Those things are hard to get past with logic. They are deep feelings and do not go away. You are not a bad person - you are a person who has been shocked and hurt, and hurt on an open wound at that.

As others have said, many marriages work very well. Like Holly, I have been happily married for many years (over 21). My wife is all right with knowing about it, but does not wish to participate in any way or see it. I can live with that. I can't think of a "logical" reason you and yours can't use the same arrangement where you and the children don't have to see it. (again, I understand logic has nothing to do with this)

For what ever it's worth, I spent more than 12 years active duty Army, to include working on nukes with a top secret clearance. In other words, under a good deal more scrutiny than most soldiers would be under. This in no way affected my career and with a little common sense there is no need for it to affect your husbands either. My getting out of the service was because my wife and I were tired of the constant separation the military family must endure. It had nothing to do with cross dressing.

I think Holly's suggestion is great. If you honestly love your husband, wouldn't it be worth at least trying the "don't ask, don't tell" policy where you agree not to dump him and he agrees to keep it out of your sight? Isn't your marriage worth at least the try?

[jina]

Hi Friend,... I can tell you that you came to a good place here; you will not be judged. Everyone will try to help.

My wife and I have 5 kids, are very happy and she supports my TG / CD personality (although she has had a problem from time to time, but by and large they have been resolved).

I am guessing that I'm a bit older than you,.. and I have seen a lot and tend to be an intuitive person. I wish to share with you an insight that I pass along with love.

I figured out some time ago that the reason a lot of people leave marriages is that marriage has this little hidden component that most of us don't realize until later in the game... here is the secret: marriage forces people to face themselves in ways that nothing else ever can or would.

I suggest to you that this situation of your's could be bringing up a lot of unresolved things with possible abandonment issues etc. from your birth father. It is possible that wanting to run with your daughter is an attempt to protect the "child you".

I have been to a bit of therapy over the years at important moments in my life. I know firsthand how our longstanding hurts, disappointments can take an unseen toll on a person later in life,.. many times invisibly.

Please give counciling a shot before pulling the plug. You might be amazed,... and you might need healing for yourself in the process.

Just my two cents,... forgive me if I'm off base..

With Love, jina

[suzy cool]

He loves you. You love him. I suspect what you said about divorce was just a way of expressing your fear of the subject. People say very hurtful things when they are scared.
You are not a bad person at all. You are just having a mental dilemma and probably feeling a little insecure after having a baby. So what you feel and how you reacted is quite understandable. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[unhappywife]

the simple fact of knownig would make it hard for me to look at him the same way. as for my daughter I want her own experience to determine how she sees the world not things we would introduce her to. me being bisexual has not come in to play with this due to the fact that when me and my husband got married we both committed to not acting on those desires to be with the same sex. so as stated yes I know he will not be able to deal with the whole ignoring the idea because i know I some times wish to act on my desires but don't. I guess in a way yes I am close minded but due to what happened to my family when i was a kid . Your right I am having alot of self esteem issues but they only came around after i got pregnant and havent gone away. as far as counseling my husband refuses to go due to the fact of his job. he is in SF special forces so no aspect of our lives is secret.he has never acted on this the idea came around when one of our friends jokingly dared him to put on a pair of thongs and a bra. as far as does this change the man I married...yes it does the man i married was very against things along these lines. so the idea of him even being interested in this is shocking. I did go to years of counseling to deal with what my father has done to our family and I guess I do blame him for tearing us apart. My husband has asked many things of me that I would not normally do with some one and yet i willing do them with him. his sexuality does come in to play on this mostly due to the fact that he is the bottom on the bi aspect and that as well had caused problems due to the fact that he has sex with a man and cant get hard for me. I dont want a divorce but I dont want him acting on this at all. I understand that he cant honestly promise me at this point and I told him that in the argument. He told me that since he hasnt acted on this at all that it should be easier for him to just not do it period yet I told him from what I had seen in the post on here on telling your spouse that you cant ignore this.

[Wanda.cd.northern.NH]

I wish I had some wise advice to give, but saddly I don't. I would only suggest that if this is truely the first time he has had the desire, maybe he can just not do it. Most crossdressers, in fact all i know, have been crossdressers since their teens. As a crossdresser i can tell you that my dressing has nothing to do with wanting to be female. I am happy as a male and other then wishing to dress as a female I really do not have the desire to be female. Maybe as my wife who does NOT support my crossdressing lets me have soem timne alone if I tell her I need it. She does not want to see me dressed and said it would probably end our marriage. We have been married since 1969. Our children where never told and they don't know and neither does your daughter have to know. If you both really love each other there should be some middle ground for you both. I wish you good luck and hate to see a marriage, especially with children involved broken up. Wanda

[Maxi]

The stress you are putting on him is enough that I doubt even viagra could help him at this time. When things relax, he'll be able to perform again.

[Holly]

Unhappy, I am a huge proponent of working together to work things out. But you seem to have your mind made up and have not seemed willing to even entertain the possibility of reconciliation. If that is indeed the case, and you are unwilling to consider the possibility that your husband is more dimensioned that the special forces man that you married then maybe it is for the best for you both to cut your losses now. That's a shame. All living organisms change with time. The chances of you finding someone who will conforms to your ideals throughout her/his lifetime are pretty slim. .

[jessielee]

dear Unhappy Wife,
welcome; i am glad you're here. it signifies you are willing to compromise, to learn, to reach for help.
herein, i use "he" in deference to our use, though most of us here say "her" about each other. so please pardon me, sisters.
i grieve for your pain and confusion. and i am very sorry that you are disgusted; i don't take it personally. of course your perceptions are coloured by the pain, anguish and torture you endured when so very young.
my father abandoned my mother and i when i was three days old. at least that's the story i heard all my life, during the years when i decided that males were creeps, all of them, not just him, and not just because of him. i know him now and have come to see there were two sides to the story. but a foundation was laid, unintentionally.
i, too, believe in traditional family roles but didn't set out to feel the way i do. it doesn't feel like a choice or a lack or discipline or willpower.
coming from a very conservative upbringing, i never dressed in women's clothes (but for brief undergarment experimentation when younger) until recently for there was so much i didn't know about myself or my feelings. i only knew i felt wrong and was called names all my life. i am 100% committed to my family and would/will give this up if a choice has to be made. thus, i stay in the closet, earning some reproof from many members here who see my secrecy as the real crime, not dressing, but i withhold out of love, in deference to what i know she could not handle. however, my wife appreciates that she doesn't have a stereotypical macho man, though she doesn't know why i'm so "sensitive." don't get me wrong, watching football nonstop and talking economics and politics is fine and not gender specific. yet my wife thanked me for not being there this Thanksgiving last and appreciates i can stop to ask for directions even though i have stellar map reading skills. rambling, i'm sorry.
i urge you to breathe deeply and slow down, please.
some questions:
established-you can't deal with the idea. but, you "love him more than anything." do you love more than fear? love more than even fear of this? the unknown, the incomprehensible? greater barriers have been bridged by love.
why must he divorce you to "go be happy," please? i don't understand why you believe he has to go out or away to be happy. sure, to be "100% him," i see, but it may be more complex than that. i don't see that he is trying to go out and hook up with a partner other than you or that he is competing with you in anyway. i see that he desires you. and he wants you to know and to not hide who he is from you. this has got to be good. as said above, it is a time for strategies and possibilities rather than ultimatums and fighting, in my humble opinion.
there is revealing truth in him desiring to be with you, to be happy with you, that is not threatened by his desire to be happy with himself. even as not all of us seek male attention and not all of us plan to become transitioned via surgery or even to live as an apparent woman; we are all so different. except most of us didn't feel right in our skin.
you are not a terrible wife. your care and concern are evident. i, like many here, felt a terrible person all my life for reasons i had no inkling of. call me a deviant, but here, in secret but for sharing here, i have found i'm not alone nor am i public enemy number one. i have found a sisterhood of compassion and acceptance and i have learned to forgive and accept myself in the face of angst i couldn't begin to identify all these years. this may sound outrageous, but wearing a skirt has helped me to stand taller as head of my family, to empathize with my little ones and be slower to anger and frustration with my life partner, my wife, to better pull up and buckle my coarse work jeans and buckle them. i feel more of a whole person, soft and firm at the same time.
please don't divorce him simply over this. certainly, he can compromise too, for love. i would. you mean so much to him. it is confusing but not hypocritical to feel so dualistic. please, give your union more time and more chance.
we are here for you, friend.
i pray for your peace and for guidance and direction.
may God bless and comfort you.
warmly,
jessie

[jessielee]

please pardon me for going on so! whilst i was composing, my more succinct sisters advised you beautifully and without drabbage.
your partner may not really be a crossdresser! it was something new and surprising and he says he doesn't need it! does he desire it?
secondly, arousal. agree with Maxi, he's under such pressure right now!
it seems to me he wants nothing more than to be with you and you say you want that, too.
Holly is right, too. no one is going to live up to all your hopes! but the basic level of comfort, of being at ease, with no guard up, this is so crucial.
no one wants to be rejected for being who we feel we are.
expressing it? that can be negotiated.
some things are more important, like your precious little girl.
may you find your comfort zones in each other.
all my best wishes, dear.
jessie

[mklinden2010]

Poor child!

Life is complicated and who knows why this came up now and what it might really be about. The CDing is not that big a deal in many relationships... People, fish, golf, and drink to excess - just not all in the same day.

But, seriously, this seems a heck of thing for him to toss into your already crowded pond. Yes, by all means, slow down. Keep going to work, taking care of the baby, and see if the sky stays up there where it belongs.

A good question to ask him and yourself is, "Why now?" CDing usually doesn't just start one day when you're 20 or 25; usually there are things that come along before it. And, not all CD people are identical in so many ways. We're all in the same boat, but some are First Class, some are Steerage, and somebody else owns the durned boat!

It's likely there are reasons why this is coming up now. Maybe he wants to honest, or, more honest now that he's a father... He just got stuck trying to be a better man when he feels he isn't good enough yet. Sure, it could happen; men can be honorable at the oddest times. And, all in all, there's all sorts of pressure that can trigger all sorts of behavior. Perhaps stress, of any type, just pushed him to act out like this? At least, as someone noted, he's not doing pills and stuff. Whew!

A wife and husband's duty is to listen to their partner. Listen, listen, listen. Maybe he needs to cry about this a little too. Maybe you could forgive him for that. And, he needs to hear you out too. Right now, it's too soon to agree on anything. Just talk - and walk to let off some stress - then talk some more.

Seek honesty, find a path that works for everyone's happiness.

Your life can be a good one.

[ReineD]

Dear Unhappy,

I am also a female at birth, and I am in a loving relationship with a CDer. My SO expresses his female side a few times per week with my support, and the rest of the time we go on about our daily lives. Neither my SO nor I are ready to be out and public about this to family and friends.

You are obviously very upset right now over having just found out. Please don't make any harsh decisions right away. Give yourself a week or two to think things through thoroughly, before making the decision to remove your daughter's father from her daily life. Your little one needs you to be as open minded as you can in order to preserve her family. She deserves to continue being involved with a dad who loves her.

And please do not punish your husband for unresolved hurts you still carry with your own dad. If you think about this and decide to try to work through the issue with your husband, you may discover a way to also work through the pain you experienced with your own father's CDing. I know what it feels like to work through old hurts, and believe me the feeling of freedom is exhilarating when it can be done.

You could take this time to find out more about CDing from the experts. Please understand that every crossdresser is different, every situation and family is different, and what happened to you and your mother when you were young does not have to happen to you or your daughter now. Educating yourself and talking to your husband does not mean you will ever be forced into accepting anything you do not want to accept. I do not know how your father behaved when he came out to your family, if he went over the top and began thinking only of himself. The couples who stay together and who do go on to have happy marriages learn to compromise with aspects of the CDing in a way to respect everyone's boundaries.

It CAN be done. And as Holly said, it does NOT have to get into your bedroom.

You mentioned sexual problems. There are other reasons than crossdressing that may affect a man's libido and it would be a shame to end the marriage without trying to resolve this with your husband.

I wish you, your husband, and your little girl all the best. You do love your husband, and for your sake and his, I do hope you will wait a while before giving up. In the meantime, please keep posting here and ask as many questions as you need to. After 10 posts, you can join the FAB (female at birth) section where you can discuss your issues privately with other wives, if you wish. See the link at the bottom of my signature.

[Karren H]

Personally I don't think your a bad wife or person after all you didn't sign up for this same was as my wife didn't.. I wouldn't blame any wife from divorcing their husband in a heart beat.. so you need to think this one out and do what's best for you and your child and your family if you decide to go that route..

I'm lucky my wife accepted and loves me as her husband and doesn't really want to know about my crossdressing.. A blind eye thing..

[Jonianne]

Dear unhappywife, the fact that you joined this forum says a lot to me. It says that there is something in you that does want to save your marriage.

It says that there is an inkling of at least a desire to have some acceptance of the cd'ing since this is a cd'ing site. You could have gone to plenty of other sites that are not supportive of crossdressing at all.

It says you want help in possibly changing your feelings at least a little bit.

It says you love your husband.

It says you have hope.

It says you love yourself.

It says you are looking for support. You will get it here both from us CD'ers and the females in our lives that love us but don't understand us either. A popular television psychologist once said that in relationships 90% of the issues are unresolveable. What couples do that make it, is to work out the differences and compromising to some degree. This must happen for any successful marriage to work. Both sides.

You are not a bad person and you must take care of yourself and your child however that means. Your happyness is vital as well. (If moma ain't happy, nobody's happy) We don't know how things will work out for you. We hope both of you can be happy together in the long run.

We are here listening.

[balletchick]

The first thing I would strongly recommend to you is not threaten divorce unless you really mean it. My ex wife use to throw divorce around like crazy making threats all the time it was like you bought the wrong kind of milk so I want a divorce. We had more problems than just my crossdressing, but if the other party hears divorce enough eventually they will say okay like I did.

Rather than being so completely down on crossdressing you may want to give it and your husband a chance, and give it a real try because you can always get divorced later but give it a chance for everybody involved. After giving it a try then consider other options.

He won't be able to quit, you can surpress it for a while but it will always come back.

I say indulge your husband you have nothing to lose and everything to gain you say you love him then he is worth the indulgence.

Divorce should be the very last resort when all else has failed. Good luck to you.

[PortiaHoney]

As lots have said, the fact you are here shows you are not a "bad Wife". Secondly, you are seeking more advise on what is involved. This is an emotional subject for anyone. No wife expects here husband to announce he like dressing in their clothes. No husband expects to want to do that either, especially as he may have had little interest in that before.

It's a complicated thing. It's good to talk and seek advise. He may not have had the temptation of having female gear at such close quarters before. He may in some way be trying to get closer to you via your clothing (weird sounding but it happens). There are lots of triggers for this behaviour.

Councelling is a good option. Nothing discussed ever needs to be made public.

Threats are a natural form of defense. Not necessarily a good one. Compromise needs to be reached and it is a matter of exploring both your options before setting the boundaries. It may be he just needs permission to be himself and that will be enough (not actually act out the fantasies). It may be you can live with him doing it in private, away from you. It may be that you join in to certain levels (shopping, talking, tips etc).

Open communication is the key. Knowing where your comfort level is is the answer. Divorce should only be considered if the two of you are no longer compatible at all and at opposite end of the arguement and no compromise can be reached. This doesn't sound like your relationship at all.

PS/ Don't be suckered into the "I just wont do it" arguement. He may believe it but he wont be a better person for it - just frustrated and confused. You both have to be honest with yourselves firstly about how you feel about this. Don't pressure him into exploring it either, he may just push back. When everybody gets over the social expectations and just gets comfortable with it, he can then find what he truely wants.

[TGMarla]

The idea of him wanting to be a female when I am a perfectly functioning one kinda puts a downer on me.

You know, many, if not most crossdressers do not really want to be women. They just find it appealing to do so part-time. As often as not, it is sexual fantasy, or merely a fascination with the clothing. Sure, at times, it goes way deeper, but this admission of his is no reason to panic. So often, crossdressers only toy with the idea of "being" women since there is no harm in doing so.

So he likes to wear feminine clothing? So what? So do you (I'm assuming). You would likely answer, "Yes, but I'm a woman!" That's a bit narrow, especially for one who has experimented with alternative sexual lifestyles. You, yourself, wear clothing on a regular basis that was, until recently, reserved only for men. If he has an attraction to clothing that is currently reserved only for women, then it is considered "crossdressing". Is this what they thought of women who dared to wear pants way back in the '30s? Probably not. I understand that there is a difference; I'm only trying to pull some of the blinders from your eyes.

He's no less of a man simply because he likes to crossdress. In fact, he may even be more of one, since as one who likes to crossdress, he is in a more unique position to understand your feelings, your thoughts, and your fears. If you love him, understand that this is one of the things that makes him the man you love, whether you were aware of it at first or not. Treat him as a man, accept him for his affectations, and grow as a person. You'll both be better off for it.

Crossdressing is a poor reason to scrap a perfectly good relationship.