In my "New Member Introduction," i mentioned that in the past year, i've learned that i'm not exactly in the classic CD category. Below is the story of when my therapist and i first started to nail that down. It was written at the end of August 2008.
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Monday, i had a session with my therapist. Since i've been telling her that i don't feel as though i fit the classic cross-dresser profile, but am having a hard time understanding exactly who and what i am, she found a survey/test called COGIATI that she thought might help me. COGIATI stands for "COmbined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory," and while it's not "written in stone" proof of anything, taken honestly, it can be an enlightening tool.
Yesterday, i sat down and took the test. It's funny how something that has no right answers can be difficult to do. Since it takes all of 4 questions to figure out that answers with a value of "-10" points are maximum male responses while "+10" answers are maximum female, it's pretty easy to engineer the result you want. Still, i did the best i could to be honest with myself in my responses, and came up with a score of +135, which is just barely into classification 4, "Probable Transsexual."
As you might imagine, the first few minutes felt a little surreal. I wasn't surprised to not be in the "manly man" vicinity, but i started thinking i was a cross-dresser - a guy that liked wearing girl's clothes, but still at the core, a guy. Now i suddenly i was staring at something that was telling me i was a "probable" transsexual. That made my heart race with trepidation, at least initially. "Probable" means more likely than not... better than 50%.
After a few moments, i took a deep breath, and reminded myself that this isn't a be-all end-all, and that like any survey, it has a margin of error. Further, i reflected on the fact that there were a number of answers that i was truly unsure of how to answer, and in nearly all cases, (probably seeking validation for my feelings,) i chose the more feminine response.
Before going to bed last night i reviewed my answers, this time checking the more masculine response in any question i was previously unsure of. My goal was to establish a full range of possible scores that might apply to me. Re-tabulating the results, i came up with a score of +75: classification 3, "Androgyne." Neither male nor female... or perhaps more accurately, both male and female. Still, in the positive numbers both times. Even at my *cough* most macho, i come up on the femme side.
Okay, it's no shock to be in the middle of the male/female gender identity continuum, but i was surprised to find that my entire range of results is on the girl's side of the line (to start being on the masculine side, my end score would need to be a negative number.) I honestly expected to be mainly masculine - maybe not by a lot, but that's where i thought i'd be.
However, i'm strangely comfortable with the idea that i'm more femme than macho. Perhaps because it's a relief to know that there's validity to my self-doubts; that i'm not losing my mind. There actually is something about me that's different from how most men feel and relate to the world around them, and it's not my imagination. "Bobbi" is real.
Given that over 90% of that range is in the androgyne classification, it's unlikely i could ever be totally happy living exclusively in either gender role. It also causes me to realize that my unspoken dreams of having some, though not all, female physical attributes make sense. After all, feeling both masculine and feminine psychologically and emotionally, it's logical that i might have some desire to be the same way physically as well.
Looks like my therapist and i will have a lot to talk about next week.
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Shortly after that was written, i took the Bem Sex Role Inventory test, which basically confirmed the COGIATI's results - my feminine traits are more pronounced than my masculine, but not to a very large degree. At this point, i guess falling into the category of a true androgyne is okay - after all, each gender has good things about it - but there isn't a "middle sex" for me to be, so no matter how i present myself to the world, half of me "isn't showing." This makes my goal of feeling like one whole person instead of two half people a little harder to do.
Oh well, no one said the trip was going to be easy...