Is Narnia really worth it?

[Nigella]

It still amazes me the number of closet cd'ers who still take a risk.

There was recently a thread about others finding out after you had gone, and another about those who rush to hide away their alter ego when their SO/partner arrive back.

For those who are living in the land of narnia (that mystical place at the back of your closet), are you really living in fairy tale land with no conception of the real world.

So many things can go wrong whilst you are having your little bit of "her" time, from a sudden illness to a bad fall to the worst of the worst.

For the worst of the worst, you will not hear the backlash of your trips to Narnia, for those who don't suffer the worst of the worst, I wonder what will feel worse to your SO/partner, the fact that you have had a mishap, or the realisation that they have been living with a stranger.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Nigella

This was one of the reasons behind me telling my wife

It would have been devastating for her to find out in such a cruel way
Telling her was the only option but I knew it was not risk free

It's much worse if an SO finds out unexpectedly

[beenherelongtime]

so true, it could devastate them.

[suzypier]

It’s the reason why we stay in the closet and hiding it. When you start being a CD you can’t stop it and the need of crossdressing is growing and growing. So we have to live with it.

[Nigella]

It’s the reason why we stay in the closet and hiding it. When you start being a CD you can’t stop it and the need of crossdressing is growing and growing. So we have to live with it.

All the more reason to leave narnia and visit the real world, the more your need grows, the more you are likely to be found out, and as Shelley pointed out then the consequences are likely to be a lot worse than just telling.

Ok I will admit the it is not every partners cup of tea, and yes there will be heartache, but there is more chance of staying together and "dealing with it"
if the truth will out, rather than be found out.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

NIGELLA - You really make a good point - I used to do the "run and hide bit", but after a lot (years) of COMMUNICATION, I really do not have that worry any more - my Spouse knows about my crossdressing - it sure takes some of the stress of crossdressing away - not all, but some.

I really think that it would really be devastating to your Spouse or SO to come home and find you all dressed in the floor with a broken leg or worse.

I remember several years ago, I came home and put on my one-piece bathing suit and sandals and used my pressure washer to wash an enlosed garden that is locked from the outside. While having a great time, I accidentally locked myself in the courtyard. I could not get out. To top it off, unbeknowest to me my Spouse came home early to meet a lawn & garden man at home to do some work in that garden.

My spouse was surprised !!!!!!!!!!!! My spouse was not real happy !!!!!! She let me out of my prison and told me that the lawn & garden man would be there any second. Well, I did not have to face the lawn & garden man in my bathing suit, but I sure did catch it from my spouse later on.

So, just as Nigella says, expect the unexpected - I think that one of Murphys Laws says that a CDer who doesn't plan for every possible contingency while dressed is more than likely in for a rude awakening.

Tell them, Nigella !

Love,

JoAnne Wheeler

[Katrina red nails]

I am with Shelly on this one. My wife knew i liked to sleep in nighties from way back but as my desire to dress more fully grew i couldn't just do it behind her back. She would have found out and then boom!!!! so i talked to her and she is ok with it up to a point.

[Nigella]

... so i talked to her and she is ok with it up to a point.

and that is another point in telling, it may only be a minor acceptance that you get, but it is likely to be a total rejection and total objection if found out.

[Kelsy]

Before I got married I made sure all of the cards were on the table! I didn't want to have secrets in my relationship and gladly my wife felt the same way! when the worse of the worse comes I doubt she will cover anything up except for me!!

Kelsy

[Maria2222]

Suppose telling your wife would mean the end of your marriage?
A person is not a different person than their wife perceives just because they're a CD. I hate the thought of CD's being pushed into a position where they have to choose between the wife that they love and letting their CD side come out. I believe you're born a CD and it's not something you can repress without consequences later in life. You girls can pound on me if you like, but I'm not convinced that being in the closet to your wife is wrong.
My wife happens to know BTW.

[Billijo49504]

Does the term "Walk like a man or is that Woman." just a thought...BJ

[Samantha Kelsey]

It's so hard isn't it? I'm sure that most of us when younger tried to keep it secret for whatever reasons. I know that when I married CDing was as far from my mind as anything, it was just something that I'd done earlier in my life but I'd grown out of. No reason to tell my young fresh wife. However with hindsight we all know that it doesn't go away but when it comes back some time into our marriage we don't want to upset anything so we try to keep it a secret.

More begets more. The more we do it the more we want to do it. The more we want to do it the more we are afraid of telling any one and so it goes. We feel shame in what we're doing and guilt for deceiving our family/friends.

Of course at some time it will come out. When it does the results depend on many things. Like most things in life the situation can be dramatically altered by good management. Some people are better at this than others. I'm not talking about outside help here but about two people sitting down and communicating.

In my past life as a firefighter it was all about planning and risk assessment. Prevention is better than cure, some times we know something will happen but we can plan it to happen when we can best deal with it. We get all the info, think about what things can go wrong and how we can deal with them, make a plan, then Do It!

There are enough threads on this forum by people who have gone through the 'coming out' stage whether by choice or forcibly to give everyone the hindsight and the foresight to 'get it right'. I would urge everyone to think very carefully about Nigella's words. Think of it as Accident/life insurance.

[Shelly Preston]

Suppose telling your wife would mean the end of your marriage?
A person is not a different person than their wife perceives just because they're a CD. I hate the thought of CD's being pushed into a position where they have to choose between the wife that they love and letting their CD side come out. I believe you're born a CD and it's not something you can repress without consequences later in life. You girls can pound on me if you like, but I'm not convinced that being in the closet to your wife is wrong.
My wife happens to know BTW.

You have a valid point Maria but you then have a time bomb situation
It could go wrong at anytime

[Megan70]

Nigella,
what a beautiful simple post. Honest direct and too the point.
My wife is supportive and found out the hard way coming home from church earlier than expected and finding me dressed. That was 36 years ago. We're still together.
The worse of the worse that I personally know of is a fellow CD who was in our club 15 years ago. He was a merchant marine sea captan aboard a frieghter. He'd be away for 3 months at sea at which time his unsuspecting wife found his stash and photos of him dressed and made up as a black woman (his alter ego.)
Shocked beyond belief and without a clue, she had a process server waiting for him at the airport on his return and slap him divorce proceeding papers.
He was locked out of his house, she told him (on phone) that she sold all his personal belongings and even his car. His first night back resulted in a lonely stay in a motel alone.
He lost everthing. His wife, his daugther and her,custody (now adopted by new husband,) and his home.
Tell Her!!!!!

Megan

[Angie G]

I was in Narnia for a long long time. As my need to dress got so that it was geting out of hand I came up with a way to get part way out of the Closet. One very hot day I got my wife to let me wear a skirt it grow from there. She asked questions and I answered them. At first it hurt her But she realized it was who I an And is know OK with it. I do believe it would have hurt her far If something had happened to me and then se found out.I would never want to do that to her I love her wat to much.
Angie

[Nicki B]

Ok I will admit the it is not every partners cup of tea, and yes there will be heartache, but there is more chance of staying together and "dealing with it"
if the truth will out, rather than be found out.

Nigella, sadly we are not all in your fortunate position?

[docrobbysherry]

For a great many CDs, so is dressing!

For those WITHOUT THE NEED TO GO OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED, staying in the closet is a good compromise. We can CD, and NOT have to deal with all the consequences of coming out!

Stifling your female identity, by hiding it away in a closet, is another matter entirely!

[suzypier]

After reading all the reply in here, I believe it will be better to follow my first idea, "keep it secret and stay deep in the closet to avoid problems", because I believe strongly that I won’t be able to stop being a CD.

[PamelaTX]

After reading all the reply in here, I believe it will be better to follow my first idea, "keep it secret and stay deep in the closet to avoid problems", because I believe strongly that I won’t be able to stop being a CD.

There's only one way to keep it secret for sure: do a complete purge and never dress again. Are you prepared to do that? I'm not. Accepting myself as a transgendered person was a major turning point in my life, and I'm never going back to those years of shame and denial. I like myself better this way -- infinitely better, and that's the base from which I operate. I don't think it's a foregone conclusion that being outed to anyone will wreck your life.

The point of this is: decide what things are important to you (yes things, plural) and build your life on that. Nobody ever said that reconciling certain things would be easy, but I refuse to believe it's impossible.

[Nadia-Maria]

As for many behavioral issues , there is no unique "right" option, to be chosen for all of us.

Living in the closet maybe the best option for some CDers, and the worst for others, depending on the "here and now".

I believe it is essentially wise not trying to convince others to follow your own pass, even if presumed the best.

[Samantha43]

For a great many CDs, so is dressing!

For those WITHOUT THE NEED TO GO OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED, staying in the closet is a good compromise. We can CD, and NOT have to deal with all the consequences of coming out!

Stifling your female identy, by hiding it away in a closet, is another matter entirely!

Exactly!!!

My wife and kids know. I have no desire to let anyone else know. I have no desire to go out in public dressed as a woman......been there, done that and didn't like it.

[TGMarla]

One part of one's personality kept away from others does not render that person a "stranger". It's not like there's a stash of kiddie porn on the computer, or bodies buried in the back yard. It's quite easy to see why one would keep one's crossdressing private, even from one so important as one's wife. In my case, she prefers it that way.

Those who stash their stuff away when the SO comes home do so because the results of others' finding out about their crossdressing is often unpleasant with bad results. Basically, it's fear of losing what one has in one's life. Loss of home, family, wife, job.....

Sure, honesty is best. But I suspect that those of you who have told your wives and have gained her acceptance are in the minority. It's real easy to tell others to be honest when you're sitting in a good place. The same procedure could land another into a bad place.

So let's stop being so judgemental on them. Everyone has to find their own path. No offense.

[Nigella]

This thread is not about the rights or wrongs of CD'ing and it is not a preach about if you should or should not tell, If others have taken it that way, that is their interpretation of the various posts.

This thread is about considering the consequences of something unfortunate happening whilst you are having some "her" time and your partner/SO finding out when they return.

I think Shelley put it into context, consider this thread as a prod of your conscience.

Those of you who only dress away from home and so believe that your SO/partner couldn't possibly find out are in an even worse situation. A stranger (hotel manager, company employee etc) could discover you and then your partner/SO would find out in an even worse way.

[Jacqui]

[B]
....He lost everthing. His wife, his daugther and her,custody (now adopted by new husband,) and his home.
Tell Her!!!!!Megan

Megan, what if he came back from his sea voyage, fessed up to his wife and the same exact thing happened?
Yours turned out good. I don't think his would have turned out differently.

This thread is not about the rights or wrongs of CD'ing and it is not a preach about if you should or should not tell, If others have taken it that way, that is their interpretation of the various posts.

It certainly seems like it's a preach!

Nigella, I was going to answer this in a harsher manner, but I decided to look at some of your threads and learn a little about you. So the following reply has been

You have decided to jeopardize your job, your friends/colleagues, your family so that you can lead the life of Nigella. I truly and respectfully admire that and hope that your life will be much happier. You have my mental support.

Now, what you must realize and others who are in a similar position as yours, is that the vast majority of closet CD'ers do not want to jeopardize their careers, their friends, their families and their Narnia-real world life styles. I hope you can understand and respect that.

As for unintentional consequences, yes, I agree with you that it can lead to shock, mistrust, and whatever else you want to throw in...but it can also result in acceptance, understanding, better communication, etc.
The above outcomes could come about either way, by accidentally finding out or by telling. It looks like the odds are no better than 50%, but I'm not a statistics major.

Which should we choose, Nigella? Tell me and let me know if you are prepared for half of the people you advise to be accepted and live happily ever after or to have half of the people you advise ruin their lives.

Jacqui

[BekiJ]

Some where, there was a thread “don’t ask, don’t tell.” Well, there is another military term -“need to know.” This is not only to protect those who do know, but protect those who don’t so that they can give a believable denial.

Some of us have a secret (some don’t). The secret is a burden. If you tell your SO, you spread that burden to them, while lightening yours. Does not seem like a fair exchange to me, especially if your SO turns out to be not supportive. In which case, your burden didn’t get lightened, it went up 10 fold - who’s she going to tell, is she going to kick you out - take your pick of any horror story. And if she is doing this, it is a horror story for her too.

Everyone’s situation is different. We must decide the best course of action. It is easier for me if my wife does not know. It is easier for my wife if she does not know.

If she finds out, I will deal with it then. But for now, she does now “need to know.”

Hugs
BekiJ