Scare tactics or valid concern?

[JaytoJillian]

Ok, my SO corners me yesterday to have our "monthly" confrontation about my CDing. She begins throwing out statistics about facial recognition. She has concluded that I, along with about 30 percent of the population cannot remember faces (funny it's usually me who is able to recall the names of people we've met previously, whereas she just calls them by a wrong name (that is soooooo embarrassing in social settings). At any rate, she, along with 70 percent of the population can identify faces no matter how much makeup, hair or clothes are used. She, she insists can even identify body parts that belong to people she knows. So, out of he "concern" for me, she wanted me to be aware that Jill can be easily identified as her male self. Funny that when I first showed her a photo of Jill, her reaction was, "who is that?"

Things here border on the ridiculous. I broke wind the other night, and that sparked questioning about whetheer or not I had "lovers." She said she could tell from the sound of my fart! HELP ME somebody!

I just feel so insulted and belittled during these little lectures and lines of questioning. She closed with, "no mater how much I hate what you do, I'm not leaving." Ugh.

[Phyliss]

Two rules of understanding (G) female thought process:

1. There is no rule

2. If you think you have figured it out, refer to rule 1.

[RachelDenise]

On one hand, there is discussion about yourself. On the other hand , it may not be productive. I think it may show your SO's insecurities. I'm certainly no guru about what to do (don't ask, don't tell, don't talk in my house) but obviously something needs to change or it will all go wrong. If you value the relationship then clear the air. If it is as difficult as you suggest, then change either the communication or end the relationship.

[mylitta]

I wouldn't tell you what to do- only you know the whole of your situation, but remembering your past post, you are living with someone who is totally unreasonable, (and NOT because she is a GG, thank you) and I don't know how you bear it. You deserve much better than that.
Hope you manange to improve your situation somehow.
And I think it's scare tactics- people don't look that closely usually anyway.

[BobbiJ]

I don't know if you're seeing a therapist, Jillian, bit it sounds to me as if she needs it more than you do.

What you're relating to us sounds like it's on the road to paranoia.

Let's say you saw someone that recognized you. So what? Unless it's your employer, what difference could it really make in your life? Even if it IS your employer, an ever-increasing number of states have non-discrimination laws on the books that specifically include gender expression, and lots of companies are adding such policies even in states that don't have those laws.

Your SO knows already, and really, isn't she the only person that actually matters? If friends or family find out and won't accept you because of it, who needs friends or family that can't love you for who you are? In that case, find higher quality friends. And frankly, based on that one post, if i were you and "SO" does not equal "wife," and she said she wouldn't leave, i would. Who needs to be belittled constantly by someone that is supposed to love us unconditionally?

Your SO, in the guise of "concern," is doing nothing but trying to inflict fear, shame, and embarrassment on you, hoping you'll give up your little hobby. But it's NOT a "little hobby," it's an integral part of who you are. You can't change that part of yourself any more than you can change your eye color. No amount of statistical nonsense is going to change that simple fact.

[battybattybats]

Sounds like paranoia, though i wouldn't tell her that!

I'd try counselling with someone with TG and marriage counselling experience and the qualifications required to be able to diagnose paranoia if that is the problem (it could be many things).

Then bring up these issues, let her unreasonableness stand for itself and hopefully she'll get whatever help she may need to calm her fears.

For her sake as well as your own.

[Karren H]

Sounds like she's run out of good reason why you shouldn't and she grasping for anything now... I'm glad mine would rather argue about why I walked past the full garbage can without taking it out or that I don't listen to her.... Lol

[erickka]

I certainly agree with Phyliss!

[battybattybats]

Two rules of understanding (G) female thought process:

1. There is no rule

2. If you think you have figured it out, refer to rule 1.

I'm afraid I think this is sexist. Women are every bit as capable in my experience of being logical and rational thinkers and men every bit as capable of being emotive and irrational ones!

[Chari]

You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself. You are who you are and be proud of that and continue doing what is comfortable for you!

[Sally2005]

Well, just tell her she is correct and then say you feel so bad that there is nothing you can do about it. Next time, ask her why she is telling you what she is. Also ask her why she is not leaving because she sounds so unhappy with you. It sounds like she is just worried, but still loves you so try to get her to explain what is really bothing her...could be that you haven't made her feel special in a while.

[Sarah...]

She is concerned. Which is a valid point of view for her. You are suffering some unreasonable behaviour, as a result. Which is a valid point of view for you.

Your post (and previous ones) suggests a difference in how you both value and approach your relationship. In my view this needs to be addressed before either of you can move on to dealing with CDing and what that means for both of you.

You can both choose to stay, or you can both choose to leave, or one can chose to leave. But there's no way only one can choose to stay without having to either fix a lot of broken stuff or be disappointed.

I really feel for you, this is a difficult situation and you two need to talk to a professional to help process all this stuff you've got going on.

Hugs

Sarah...

[TGMarla]

I remember you mentioning in a previous post that she was very demeaning to you. I guess one question I have is "do you want this relationship to continue?" Is she really serious about knowing you have other lovers just by the sound of your farting? That's pretty out there. Monthly conversations should cover more than just your faults. Be strong.

[insearchofme]

Sorry to says this but... Don't walk away, run away!

She'll never change!

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I don't know if I am a very good sister to comment, but I have had favorable responses and unfavorable responses from my Spouse. One moment, she is OK, the next moment, she is upset. I guess thats life with a GG, but it drives me crazy. I never know for sure how she is going to react.
Love,
JoAnne Wheeler

[Sheila]

Two rules of understanding (G) female thought process:

1. There is no rule

2. If you think you have figured it out, refer to rule 1.

I find myself agreeing with Battty here, and as a GG I feel pretty insulted

I wouldn't tell you what to do- only you know the whole of your situation, but remembering your past post, you are living with someone who is totally unreasonable, (and NOT because she is a GG, thank you) and I don't know how you bear it. You deserve much better than that.
Hope you manange to improve your situation somehow.
And I think it's scare tactics- people don't look that closely usually anyway.

I agree with Mylitta here as well

Jill I think you need to come to some sort of decision about your marriage, and soon, this is healthy for neither of you nor for your daughter. If your wife won't go to marriage guidance with you then go on oyur own, discover your options and make a rational valid decision based on your finding. Nobody desrves to be treated the way you are being

[Tashee]

My spouse number 1 could not suck any worse---Number 2---100% DIFFERENCE.

I am bad here. But possibly being in law. What does face recognition mean.Tell me sweet Jill? Are you going to rob a bank?

It sounds as our hobby causes her great embarrassment.. This was her way of trying to say- Hubby darling I am embarrassed of this lifestyle..I fear some recognize you and guess what? It comes back to us. Me..

Just my ..Which is not gospel truth. Just an opinion going thru 2 wives in this journey..Myself.

Good luck honey. I will be prayin'

[Angie G]

Just maybe you need professional help to understand each other hun.
Angie

[Chiana]

Jill, not to make light of your post but are you living in Florida with my ex? I read this thread and it sounded just like her. She never knew about my dressing but her responses sounded just like that. We even had the "fart" discussion.

[cindym5_04]

I know I'm kind of wrong for saying this, but I had to start laughing at the "I can tell by the sound of your fart" thought process. I know the situation itself is serious, but in terms of trying to find something to complain about or argue about, that one is rediculous.

[AmandaM]

So, out of he "concern" for me, she wanted me to be aware that Jill can be easily identified as her male self.

Things here border on the ridiculous. I broke wind the other night, and that sparked questioning about whetheer or not I had "lovers." She said she could tell from the sound of my fart! HELP ME somebody!

She closed with, "no mater how much I hate what you do, I'm not leaving." Ugh.

1. Geez, she's paranoid.
2. The old joke that gay farts go "woosh". Oh God. Paranoia again.
3. Maybe you oughta respond, "If you don't shut up about this, maybe I'll leave".

[DameErrant]

If breaking wind is a sign of how many lovers you have had, then I must be a total ****! And I am a CD virgin.

Maybe you should offer to go into counseling, just as an excuse to get her there with you. My wife found that when we went into counseling than things did not go all her way as she thought they would. We are no longer in counseling for various reasons. Hope you have better luck.

[carolinewalker_2000]

Don't have any advice to offer - unfortunately; others have made suggestions, but this is something you are going to have to work out for yourself I'm afraid. However, remember you do have all of us here who are your friends and we can provide a shoulder to cry on when it all gets too much. (In the meantime - stop eating beans & cabbage!!)

[Lorileah]

I knew there was a reason that I keep my flatulence to myself!

Honestly some people look very similar to their male persona while in drag and others don't look anything alike. There is a thread going right now where people post both their male and female picts. I don't think I look anything like my male persona. And as has been mentioned many times in many threads, most people don't look that close unless you give them a reason (Yelling "Hey Bob!" across the street while you are dressed may get you more of a look especially if Bob doesn't know your femme side). My MIL swears she knew me in my pictures but no one else seems to recognize me. Even my mother when I showed her said "who is that?"

[Angel.Marie76]

I would say scare tactics, plain and simple.

Without knowing your complete history, I would tell you that, saving any argument, you yourself should be happy... happy with who you are, happy with what you do, and NOT in an environment that fosters ill will towards you in regards. How can you really work on bettering yourself with all of this karmic negativity about?

With her saying 'She's NOT leaving' almost sounds like she's challenging YOU to walk away first if you are not happy. I can understand that marriage, kids, family, house, property, whatever are always good and bad weights in an argument HOWEVER what is it going to take before your free will is crushed under this bludgeoning force? If you've been fighting to express who you are, only to be riddled with targeted negative energy (which, if she's REALLY a stickler, I can easily guarantee you will only get worse and more hateful with each attempted confrontation - remember, while you may be looking at the positive side of dressing in the forefront of your mind mostly she has every moment she can grasp to pick apart the negatives AND THEN PREP for an attack) then perhaps you need to objectively review your situation to determine the next best direction to travel.

Oh, and as for the 'No Matter how much I hate' statement.... really, if someone hates some part of you THIS much to target you this directly, rather than to either ignore/disavow (or whatever the most appropriate terminology may be at the time) it, what does this say for how she really feels about you, or what you /really/ care about?

Best of wonderful luck sis, you may need it.