Middle Age

[AKAMichelle]

What is it about middle age that causes so many of us to become aware of our transgender issues so acutely. Then more importantly, why do we find the need to tell our SO's, alter our bodies, walk out the door, or join this forum?

I know a lot of us don't do some of these things, but what is it about middle age that causes us to begin accepting our female side? I have noticed so many as they hit middle age realize that they should have been born a woman and begin taking steps to correct it. I have also noticed a lot of men in middle age finally decide they have kept the secret long enough and tell their SO. Then the ones who are in the closet, venture out to find this forum. Why?

A lot of us come to know ourselves at an earlier age, but a lot of us wait until middle age. I'm wondering if anyone else has noticed a pattern and figured out the cause. I came out of the closet at age 47. I walked out the door for the first time at 48. I don't know why now I choose to get a backbone and stand up for who I am inside.

[MentalMercury]

Not everyone here is a woman inside.. but to give a hypothesis I would say that it has to do with the times. Blurring the gender lines is much more acceptable now than even 20 years ago. People who crossdress are getting the courage to show off instead of trying to always hide.

[ColleenShivas]

My opinion is that it relates to levels of testosterone and other hormones like estrogen etc that push our feminine side. For me, and the postings on this and other sites support this, our early dressing was often associated with masturbation. As we matured(?) that urge got less insistent, but the desire to dress remained. So perhaps we became less guilty (not the right word, "private" may be better) about it, and took a peek beyond the door of the closet.

[Patrice]

Just another variation on the age-old, 'mid-life crisis'. But instead of just getting a red convertible with a hot girl in the passenger seat, we CDs want to BE the hot girl in the Driver's seat!

[Samantha Kelsey]

I think it's to do with the fact that the longer we live the more we see. Things that bothered us in earlier years we now take in our stride. Remember the line 'older and wiser' well it really is true. I tend to think of wisdom as experience, experience of life. We also develop a sense of understanding.
What we saw as a crisis twenty years ago rarely even rates as a challenge today. We tend to live and let live, so what if some people are different, we now know most won't hurt us and can usually recognise the ones that will. Again it's experience of life.
Where does this fit into this thread? Well, so what if other people know. Who gives a damn anyway its not a big deal any more and as I get older I start to think that there are things I like and don't want to miss out on them.
Who ever we are we all like to look good but as we age that becomes more difficult. When people ask why I do the full female bit I show them a photo then ask them which one they think looks nicest. No contest they always pick Samantha.
At 58 I realized that both of us are entering a dangerouse time of our lives. Time to get all the secrets out (well almost all)and enjoy some life the way I want to.
To quote the singer Shirley Bassey, 'This is My Life & I Am What I Am'

[JoAnne Wheeler]

We have a Section on this Forum for a lot of different groups - I think we need one for the older (youth challenged) Crossdressers. This is where I fit in (will be 64 in February) but look 50ish when dressed

Why does it become more acute as we grow older - I don't know - maybe we see time slipping away and we want to make up for lost time - I know that my URGE/DESIRE to crossdress has become much, much stronger that it was when I was young.

When we were young, there was a sexual stimulation side to our CDing. Now as we are much older, CDing has become the way that we need to fulfill our lives - we need to express our femininity because it makes us whole - it becomes our satisfaction

JoAnne Wheeler

[Sandra Dunn]

A lot of it has to do with what we heard while we were growing up. Then we got married, had children and we did put a lot of things on the back burner because we did what it took to take care of our families and their needs.

During that time we also struggled with the fact that we listen to our peers and tried to prove to ourselves this is not right, we should not have these feelings or feel the need to do this. We, many of us, are able to squelch this need to be female for a long enough time to get the kids grown and off doing their thing with their friends. This is usually only about 8 years depending on each person this could be longer or shorter.

In any event we do get to the point where we can no longer hold it in, if we do we suffer from either a form of depression or some degree of anger. The longer we hold it in the worst these two issues become. We sometimes wake up one morning and decide enough and step into this new world of ours, for some it's a very slow process to open their eyes and see the beauty inside themselves.

We find the time for ourselves as the kids get older and we rediscover our need and our inner beauty as women. Yes we do wonder why we waited so long, it's because many of us did what we thought was the right thing to do and tried to suppress our true selves from what we wonder why now.

HUGS Sandra

[Daintre]

Personally I think that when we reach middle age we find ourselves more aware of our mortality. When we were young, the whole world and its adventures were ahead of us. Today we can see what we have accomplished, how we let time just slip away without developing our CD persona and we become more focused in what we want out of life.

[Karren H]

Same as to why we crossdress.... I don't have a clue.... I'd just be happy to be middle aged again instead of friggin old... ............. Big Sigh .........

[Sara Jessica]

Perhaps between the ages of 20 and 40 we've got careers, families and homes to build, and everything else goes on the back burner?

Makes perfect sense, at least it fits my situation.

My opinion is that it relates to levels of testosterone and other hormones like estrogen etc that push our feminine side.

I've heard this hormonal theory as well, works for me as I'd like to think there could be a physiological explanation as to what I've been going through the last few years.

Just another variation on the age-old, 'mid-life crisis'. But instead of just getting a red convertible with a hot girl in the passenger seat, we CDs want to BE the hot girl in the Driver's seat!

Now there you go! Many out there would debunk "mid-life crisis" as being the cause of anything. It really is an excuse to behave contrary to what you should be doing at a particular stage of life (irresponsibly buying that red sports car, having an affair, being a girl, etc). Yet I think there is some credibility to the expression, not as an excuse but simply one's self-awareness of your own mortality. I hope and pray I am blessed to live until a ripe old age which would mean I might not even be at the halfway point. But we just never know and there are too many who are cut off at the knees tragically at such young ages. So part of my take on things right now is that I've spent my life with a certain degree of self-acceptance, yet surrounded by enough guilt when it comes to integrating this part of me with others in my life. That is something I'm tired of doing and besides, elimination of the stress that disapproval and conflict brings on should make us more healthier.

[docrobbysherry]

Not everyone here is a woman inside.. but to give a hypothesis I would say that it has to do with the times. Blurring the gender lines is much more acceptable now than even 20 years ago. People who crossdress are getting the courage to show off instead of trying to always hide.

Your points r well taken, MM! I'm not a woman inside. And I didn't even consider coming out of the closet when I started CDing 10 years ago!

My opinion is that it relates to levels of testosterone and other hormones like estrogen etc that push our feminine side.

Colleen, I've been trying to figure out why I had no desire to CD until after age 50. Your explanation, is as good as any!

Just another variation on the age-old, 'mid-life crisis'. But instead of just getting a red convertible with a hot girl in the passenger seat, we CDs want to BE the hot girl in the Driver's seat!

Great point, Patrice! After my divorce, I would have liked a young hottie in my sports car! But, wasn't ready to deal with all the hassles involved!
The hottie in the mirror never causes me any problems, and never says, "No"!

Same as to why we crossdress.... I don't have a clue.... I'd just be happy to be middle aged again instead of friggin old... ............. Big Sigh .........

I didn't even START CDing until after middle age! Karen, how 'bout BOTH of us clueless folks go back to our 30's/40's? And start there?

[Vieja]

As the saying goes "We get too soon old and too late smart".

Vieja

[MentalMercury]

I still can't get off the idea that the biggest factor people didn't come out earlier is the social stigma that came from less tolerable times. Some say careers got in the way, some say they didn't realize they liked it so much until the mid-life crisis hit, that doesn't explain the people who are knee-deep in careers, or young, and taking part here.

My theory:
I think we owe a lot of our progress to the gay movement. While crossdressing or being a TS is not being gay, it is a similar defiance of established male and female roles. Society has adapted it's views to better include people who are different, and that includes all of us.

I think that's why the middle-aged group is finally taking a step out at the same rate young people are. While younger members might not have a huge presence here, not all young people post on registered forums. Take a look at the anime / video game conventions, take a look at the forced-anonymous imageboards, take a look at the entire visual kei music genre, or the GLBT clubs on college campuses. There's been a lot of change in the past 20 years.

[sometimes_miss]

What is it about middle age <snip>

We learn as we go. For a lot of us, it may have been the concept that we would grow out of it, or learn better how to keep it under control. For me, I had been able to stop crossdressing for several years a few times when I was in a relationship where I felt comfortable. Sometimes we accidently get outed and have to deal with it then. Other times the stress of keeping the secret just eventually overcomes us, the desire to be accepted as we are becomes so great that we out ourselves in a desperate attempt to find someone who will treat us normally, including the CD'ing. Usually we are better able to afford what we do as we get a bit older as well. And, of course, at some point lots of us just come out of denial and accept ourselves, and that happens a lot in middle age.

[Gina S]

For myself, I can remember cross-dressing as young as 6 or 7 years old. But I also knew at the time it was not considered acceptable behavior, so I kept it a secret. I continued through my late teens, 20's and 30's off & on in private, with the occasional trip out in public, mostly driven by the thrill and adrenaline rush of being dressed out in public.
Now in my mid 40's I feel secure in my career and having fulfilled much of my responsibilities towards family & work. I think the time came for me to reflect back on my personal dreams and goals. As "Jenni Y" had mentioned, we come to terms with our own mortality and realize that we don't have forever to accomplish our goals.

[Jennifer Cox]

Certainly wasn't a concious decision for me - it was like someone turned the dial up to 100% when I got near to 50yo. However, now that's happened, I do consider aspects such as how many years I've got left, and if I don't enjoy it now I'm never going to

[Kelli Michelle]

I think a lot of the points written of are probably valid.

As far as the lowered testosterone, that might make it "easier" but the urge or inclination was already there to begin with. Also, if the testosterone theory is correct, would you want to go back to where you were before the level dropped?

It's also a matter of personal experience and duration of activity. Like most things, the more you do something, the more comfortable you are doing it in the future. Further, due to the sources available, we know lots of things that reinforce that our behavior (or mental process, or whatever), although still socially ill fitting, are "ok" in a lot of ways. We have support groups that make us feel better, related experiences that says large parts of society (although still a minority imo) are ok with it as well.

If you look at people in general, as they get older, they don't put up with stuff they did when younger, and don't see the need. Why shouldn't we do as we please? Everyone else does what they want, within legal bounds, so can we.

I think there is some validity to the mid-life crisis thing as well. To me, that crisis stems from being restricted in someway, contrary to a deep desire for some behavior. I think for a lot of us, that IS us, to the extreme. I mean most people can talk about the red corvette they wanted, over and over again. For the most part, a lot of us never spoke about our desires to anyone. How restrictive is that?

The combination of these things and others would be a powerful reason as to why so many of us go further in the cding and TS path in mid life. The way I see it, each one of us is a dam. The water level builds up at different speeds for each us. So when the dam breaks it breaks at different times and in different ways. But in many cases, once the water is out, there is no fixing the dam.

[tricia_uktv]

Brilliant thread!

My take on it is that as we become older we become wiser, and far less interested in conforming. We realise that conforming is losing our individuality. It is though harder not to conform. My own need (the desire was always there) started after the death of my Father which really made me think about what I should be doing. He is not to blame for the earlier supression though. I still wonder what he would think, but know deep down he would support me as my Mother is doing now.

We know about it, we know that young kids into it will never shrug it off and will live a hard life because they are supressing their true self. We need to encourage and help them.

[deja true]

Alrighty then...

In summation:

a) modern times - more acceptance
b) testosterone levels falling
c) "older and wiser"
d) mid life crisis
e) less worry about the here and now
f) making up for lost time
g) self re-discovery
h) awareness of our own mortality
i) defiance of "the norm"
j) stress relief after a busy and harried life
k) recognition that we're not alone

l) all of the above

Yup!

(especially mid life crisis...I just got a new motor-sickle for whats-his-name, but she'll get to ride it, too!)

[Kate Simmons]

Nothing is accidental. It depends mostly on our personal grid program.

[Lorileah]

One day I just decided that I didn't like that other people had determined how I should look or feel. I have always looked at the world slightly askew but call it jealousy or anger I got to the point where if women could wear what they wanted so should I. Prior to that, what others thought of me was more important that what I thought of myself. I have not become enough of a radical though to totally throw this in the world's face. But I, selfishly Tamara, have decided to be "me".

What I am trying to say is that when I was younger, even though I wanted to dress up, I felt I had more to lose. Now that I am old what I have to lose isn't enough to worry about

[frenchie]

My wife knew about my other side earlier on in my early thirties, but I think I always wanted to resemble a forty year old lady,even when I was in my twenties.I wanted to look older and sophisticated.Well this year I actually turned 40, and we had a Private party(my wife and me).It was fantastic,though cos it's cold in northern France, I have'nt been wearing skirts etc, just jeans or trousers, still it's been great Frenchie Gina

[CharleneT]

Personally I think that when we reach middle age we find ourselves more aware of our mortality. When we were young, the whole world and its adventures were ahead of us. Today we can see what we have accomplished, how we let time just slip away without developing our CD persona and we become more focused in what we want out of life.

we have only one shot at life and so at a certain point you start to say .... "heck with it, I'm going to enjoy what I like"

[Cassia-Marie]

I've been thinking about this for some time. I just turned 39 last month and it hit me a few weeks before then that this would be my last year in my 30's. I found myself going through the checklist of things I wanted to do before I turned 40.

I think I've reached a point in my life where I'm pretty comfortable and can relax a little. I have a great career that is more-or-less on auto-pilot. I have a wonderful family. I have a few hobbies I really enjoy.
From the time I left High School and until this past year, though, I've been under a lot of stress to get an education, start a family, establish a career, deal with health issues, family issues, etc. and really kept myself busy and concentrating on things other than myself. Now that things have become established and I can breathe again, I've found myself becoming increasingly concerned about wrinkles, gray hair, physical fitness, mental fitness, and my general well-being. So I started taking better care of my skin, eating better, exercising, and being more mindful of my mental and emotional state. Dealing with Depression and attempting to climb out of that has been motivation to do these things as well. This new attention I lavished on myself really brought back the desire to crossdress that I had many years ago.

So, yes, I do think that in my case crossdressing was brought on again by reaching my middle-age years. The only crisis I'm having is telling my wife all of this.

[beenherelongtime]

i don't actively crossdress, although i still have a bra, camisole, half-slip and full slip in the proper sizes. but i did fully cross dress until the age of 70 when i retired. since i dressed from the ages of 14 to 70, i didn't go through any mid life crisis. i guess i'm saying i have no answer for this question.