Whose decision is it?

[Kelli Michelle]

My wife once asked me, " Would you really be ready to lose your wife, family, and friends because of your crossdressing...?" We went into a vast discussion about whether cding was an addiction, etc, I told her I didn't want to lose anything, but...it sorta wasn't up to me about the losing part. That was up to her, and the kids and friends (if they found out) individually. I have been thinking about this and similar ideas.

My question is : Are we actually choosing cding over wife and family if we leave, or is it that the wife or family or friends are making choices themselves that require us to leave? For instance, if your wife says, " I can't handle this...don't want the kids involved with your cding... you need to move out..." , is leaving/divorcing really our decision? Wouldn't we be willing to stay if the wife and family were ok with it? Or not? Do some of us need to split (even with family acceptance) from the wife/family?

Clearly, if someones decides to leave without pressure from wife and family it is their own decision, and I would say, yes they are choosing this over wife/family. I am not debating the merits of that (maybe they were Ts, or almost TS), just saying they made their decision based on what they thought was best, but it was their choice.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

[ProjectLisaCD]

I can't say much about loosing a wife since I am single happy at the moment, but I can say somethings about loosing friends.

When I came out about being bisexual several years ago I lost most of my friends but I did not see that as something negative. If they can not accept something that is so much part of myself why should I care and are they even really my friends?
Since then I have found many more much better and more accepting friends.

You can always find more friends. A new wife is not so easy.
Personally I do not think I would ever have started to crossdressed if I was happily married, there would be no need for me. But I do understand that the situation are so much different for most others.
Since the choice for many are not between CDing and the wife but between CDing and being unhappy and possible suicidal for the rest of their lives I think the question in itself are wrong.

[Kelli Michelle]

Lisa, I suppose in this case, I am pre-supposing that there IS a wife or SO involved. So let's make that an assumption. I am not saying don't post if your situation is different, because many people may have valid ideas whether that's the case or not.

I don't think the questions I am asking are "wrong". Let me try another way to explain what I mean. The reason you may chose (or have chosen for you) to leave may very well be because you will be very unhappy if you don't cd. Why would you be unhappy? If your wife (assuming you have one) was supporting your decision , you wouldn't be unhappy would you? The only way that I see that you would be unhappy, is if she didn't support you and/or asked you to leave. In that case, assuming your mental make-up and/or need to crossdress or transition was very strong, you would have to leave imo. At that point, whose decision is it---yours because you have to leave, or hers, because she wouldn't allow you to stay? I am not trying to play the blame game here. I just don't feel it's a simple as saying "You are choosing Cding over your wife and family." There would be multiple people, making multiple decisions.

Choosing to Cd or transition, may be choosing between cding and unhappiness, suicidal thoughts, and other things. But, it may ALSO be choosing that over wife and family.

[Karen564]

Let me ask you this,

Was your wife aware of CD condition before you were married???

In other words, were you cross-dressing while you were dating her and she saw you like this and liked it?

Karen

[sometimes_miss]

I think the big problem is that most people think CD'ing is a hobby or something, like we just picked it up for fun. When viewed in that perspective, I can see how some people think it's a choice we make just to tick them off. Basically, they just don't understand. No one in their right mind would choose something like this. It's not a choice, any more than 'choosing' to grow old is.

[Kelsy]

Lisa,

My "dressing " preceded any chosen relationship. It was there from my earliest memories and continues today. I have not always been truthful about myself and didn't reveal that part of me. That is where the choice is. Being real - The choice is ours.

If you lose everything and everyone it is because they never really knew you. Breach Trust, sneak, decieve and lie well then the choice become theirs. Of course everyone owns their own right to make any decision or judgement relating to their own beliefs.

Ultimately I believe the decision is whether to be honest or not and let the chips fall where the may. (the words are sometimes easier than the practice)
IMO Kelsy

PS they don't call it disphoria for nothing!! sorry for rambling

[Jenniferpl]

Since my wife supports and encourages me, doubt if I will be asked to leave or give it up.

[Cheryl T]

My SO is my best girl friend also.
I was never "ready" to lose her because of my need to express my femininity, but there came a point when it became clear to me that this is so much a part of me that no matter what I had to be able to explore and express it.
I'm thankful that it never came to losing her and that she was so loving and wonderful that she gave me an opportunity to show her this part of me and has come to accept it and be at my side with love and caring.
She's also my foil for my style, makeup and carriage. She helps me in every way...I'm blessed, what can I say.

[donnasweetheart]

Maybe you should look a little deeper and ask yourself if there is something else that would cause her to leave. I believe it's not the cross dressing that causes a wife to run the other way but the systems of cross dressing such as lies, sneaking, being selfish, cheating or what ever. Maybe she's using cross dressing as an excuse and denying the real reasons.

[docrobbysherry]

I think you're asking a retorical question, if u want us to ask ourselves that question?

In the same vein, it's IMPOSSIBLE for us to answer it for u! Because we CAN'T know all the details involved in your relationship! If u NEED to blame your spouse for a breakup, u will no matter what we say! Or, u may blame yourself, no matter what!

My marriage broke up, and it had NOTHING to do with my CDing. I suspect that in most cases of CDing, when the TG individual doesn't go overboard with his dressing, the marriage was failing anyway! It's handy for a spouse to blame the breakup on CDing. But, I suspect that it's VERY RARELY the only, or main, reason!

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Cding is not an addiction, although like anything, it can turn in to one in some people. I think that is heavily personality-based, rather than addition by default. Some people get addicted to video games, whereas most people do not, but couldn't give them up (forever) if they tried. Get my point?

Replace cding as the boiling point in a marriage with any other potential marriage rocker. Any area in which a wife and husband cannot come to terms on is a potential nuptial-breaker:

* A man who spends too much time out with friends who is not willing to give up his active social life for his wife/family. This social life may or may not cause neglect of his family, but his wife may not be able to handle it.

* A man who is a workoholic and takes work home with him and ever free moment of his day he spends calculating work strategies or whatever other work related thing. He may be a good provider and there for his kids, but his wife may feel that she needs to be more important (or have more time devoted to her) than his work.

* A man who is an avid motorcycle enthusiast and spends a great deal of his time working on his bike, polishing it, taking it to shows, riding with friends, etc. Perhaps his wife may feel that he puts himself in danger riding it so often and spends more time with his bike than with her (or at least in her mind). If he's got cycling in his blood, as many bikers do, it isn't going away because he got married.

Crossdressing is a little different because to many people, it is still considered an illness, deviant behavior, something to shelter kids from, and something that can be cured with therapy. I think that's where the thick of the problem lays with this as a marital issue. But aside from that, cding is just like any other personal trait a man might have that his wife may not be accepting of, or so it is in my opinion. And just like any other personal trait, a man might spend too much time focused on his cding and not enough time with his family - but in that respect, every family has a different balance. Some marriages work well with a husband and wife that are not together much of the time, and some marriages only work well when they spend a lot of time together.

[Annie D]

If you are like me, I started cd'ing long before I met my wife. I truly love my wife but cd'ing is a permanent part of who I am. I know that if I give up crossdressing, it will come back, it just can't be turned on and off like a light switch. Someone posted that they had not dressed for a substantial period of time and do not miss dressing. I gave it up for about 5 years but my urge to dress has been back for about the last 15 years and I have been doing it for about 50 years. I don't want to lose my wife and family and I'm fairly certain that you feel the same way. What you have to convince your wife about is that your cd'ing is a permanent part of you and you may be able to suppress it sometimes but that the urge to dress will return.

[TrekGirl1701]

I think the problem a lot of people have with crossdressing is they believe it's a hobby or an addiction. Honestly it's just a personal taste in clothes. For me I prefer wearing khaki pants to jeans. Nobody has a problem with that. But I also have a preference for wearing skirts. So just because I want to wear something made for a female all of a sudden it turns into something more than the simple act of getting dressed in the morning? Everybody has the right to decide what kind of clothes they want to wear. Or at least they should.

If more people would accept crossdressing it would not be a big deal at all. It's just clothes. That's it. I guess I still don't get what the big deal is with crossdressing.

[GaleWarning]

Good question! I will try to deal with it on a number of levels.

The urge to CD never goes away ... so in that sense, I do not think any decision is involved. You and you wife can choose, however, how accepting of it you ought to be.

Read the threads here, and you will notice that for a great many of us, personal acceptance is/was a long journey, involving much guilt ansd many instances where we purged (threw out all our feminine stuff). Also, some speak of the level of their desire to CD waxing and waning, that it only comes out when they are stressed, or triggered by something else. For the majority of us, the problem boils down to learning to control our need to CD, to finding out how often, and to what extent we need to CD in order to satisfy the urge. If we live alone, I would suggest, we have more freedom and so will tend to spend more time en-femme and dress more fully, than if we know we might have to change hurriedly back into drab. The same is true, if we are fortunate to have family or friends who accept and support us. Again, then, I think any "decision" to CD, or to choose a level of CDing is limited by factors outside of us.

So ,in your instance, I would guess that you have to assess the degree to which your present marital situation meets the level of CDing you feel is needed to satify your urge to CD. The possibilities are:
1. Your wife and you can agree to set boundaries which enable you to dress frequently and fully enough to make you happy for awhile, and keep her happy the rest of the time. You stay together.
2. The two of you cannot agree. Then you and she might have to choose between
a) you go into the closet and dress only when she is not around. You and she are comfortable with this and decide that your marriage is worth it. You stay together. If this doesn't work, your marriage is doomed.
b) you decide never again to crossdress. You and she are comfortable with this and decide that your marriage is worth it. You stay together. Later, when the kids are grown and both of you are older, wiser and more mellow, you discuss the issue and you start CDing again.
c) You or she decides that you cannot reach a mutually-acceptable compromise over the issue, and you split.

Let me digress at this point, to say that, in my experience, the husband's CDing is never the sole issue in any such marital failure. Always, there are other issues, and in many instances, the other issues are bigger factors than the CDing in causing the marriage to break up. But CDing tends to be used as the excuse! CDing can, however, be the major issue.

On another level, still within marriage, your work situation may limit your ability to CD. Some here speak of their job being too high-profile to come out of the closet. Other occupations, especially if you work with children, are not very tolerant of CDers (although, curiously enough, they do seem to be more tolerant of openly gay people, but not if they CD!).

Underdressing, it seems to me, is one way in which you might be able to reach a high enough level of CDing to match your needs, while at the same time meeting the needs of your wife.

Ok - back to the main issue ...

Suppose you decide to split. There is life afterwards!
You will be free to choose a new living environment where you can CD to your heart's content; to choose friends who either do not know that you CD or are comfortable with it, or even support it; to find a new partner who loves you enough to accept you just the way you are, and you, them.

A word of caution, though ... in my experience, too many women start out by saying they accept your CDing, and then, when they feel the relationship is firmly established, slowly begin to "change their minds" ... and the whole cycle will begin again.

Or perhaps, it is your own individual karma that leads you into the same type of situation again, with the same type of woman as before, and the whole cycle will begin again.

If you are fortunate enough to find that rare being, a truly supportive SO, cherish her forever. Realise that she is a precious gift, a result of pure chance or destiny, certainly not a conscious decision on your part.

Or you could decide to remain single.

[JamieDP]

I had to think about this for a second, being a divorcee myself, remarried, etc. and having to make a lot of choices myself. I think the choices made are not so clear cut of us or theirs.

Initially I think the choice begins before the relationship, or as the relationship even begins. In the beginning the choice is made to tell your perspective partner before or as the relationship commences or wait until after the relationship has commenced or really gone beyond a so called “initial courtship or introduction”. If the choice is to wait, then what follows can only be determined to be a result of that initial choice as the other person was already deprived of the chance to make a choice for themselves as to continue in this relationship with someone I know has an alternate gender tendency or to terminate the relationship there. In this situation if the information is divulged both people equally have the choice to determine where this goes or continues and although one persons choice may halt the relationship both parties were privy to making an adequate choice or decision for themselves directly impacting the progression of the relationship with perspective wife or SO. I believe this also applies to friends and/or other important people in your life with the exception of parents, or people who may already be involved in your life prior to you discovering your own gender issues (again parents, they brought you in this world with no way of knowing that you may be predisposed to an alternate gender or gender identity issue).

Now assuming a wife and friends and family are already in the picture, the choice again can not be solely one persons or the others. Again it is more in my opinion the denial of the chance for one or both people to make a fair choice. And as with most relationships, failure or success depends on the both parties involved in the relationship not necessarily one person. Even in the event of an affair or extramarital relationship this will reign to be true. Many folks will not agree with me here, but often a person seeks a relationship outside of the marriage for the lack of something they are not getting in their current relationship whatever that may be, emotional, physical, mental, etc. Where the tables turns and becomes more one persons fault is in the choice the person seeking the extra marital relationship made to actually pursue and act upon their thoughts, whims desires, etc. In that situation one person actively has the choice to NOT act upon those desires and communicate with their SO that something is lacking, giving their SO the fair opportunity or choice at that time to work with the partner or to ignore what the partner is saying. In which case brings me back to my original point, by not doing so denies both parties from making a fair and equal choice.

So therefore, if one has not conveyed their true selves initially upon discovery of their need to CD, or to be honest upfront about their past CDing or Transgender needs even if on hiatus, or even if they think it may not comeback, the person not divulging the information has already made the choice themselves that they are willing to sacrifice their friends, family, etc by denying them the opportunity to examine, explore and manage their issues or perspectives of the issue at hand.

If I may add one more, in my last relationship with my exwife, I dealt with a partner who had an STD (Herpes to be specific). Thankfully I did not contract this during the early part of the relationship, however she neglected to tell me from the start. Therefore I was denied the chance of even determining if I wanted to pursue a relationship with someone who was not willing to address this issue for themselves nor notify me of any outbreaks, etc. That person made the choice that it was ok to endanger my health, my feelings, my trust, from the start and hence denied me the free choice to say even ok I will accept you as are, but we must have protected sex or see a doctor. Instead I had to deal with ultimately finding out in an awkward way when she was pregnant and therefore also risking the health of our unborn child. Thank goodness those tests are done during pregnancy. All I can say is I may have been able to accept such a situation with some joint determined guidelines as opposed to years later, I feel by denying me that choice up front and information, she already made the choice that she was willing to sacrifice our relation by sacrificing the trust, the emotional layers and even physical endangerment of her partner (me) from day one. She also chooses to do that to friends who during an outbreak she may share clothing with, drink after her, etc.

I hope that made sense.

-JDP

[Kelli Michelle]

Ok, let's sort this. Of course my questions have to do with me. But, my questions are not meant to be primarily about me. Rather, I know these questions come up for a lot of people, so I am interested primarily in their thoughts and experiences. I was using my situation to sorta get the ball rolling, so to speak. BTW I was crossdressing long before I met my wife. You can view my other threads for the full story. The situation about not telling my wife doesn't really apply to me either.

As an aside, the choices (in a nutshell) that clayfish lays out look pretty correct to me,
1. Your wife and you can agree to set boundaries which enable you to dress frequently and fully enough to make you happy for awhile, and keep her happy the rest of the time. You stay together.
2. The two of you cannot agree. Then you and she might have to choose between
a) you go into the closet and dress only when she is not around. You and she are comfortable with this and decide that your marriage is worth it. You stay together. If this doesn't work, your marriage is doomed.
b) you decide never again to crossdress. You and she are comfortable with this and decide that your marriage is worth it. You stay together. Later, when the kids are grown and both of you are older, wiser and more mellow, you discuss the issue and you start CDing again.
c) You or she decides that you cannot reach a mutually-acceptable compromise over the issue, and you split."

To put it in perspective, let's use an example. Assume I am somewhere between CD and TS. This is who I am, no going away, and I may want more cding than I am getting now, or even perhaps to transition. Wife says "no...move out..." The questions are, again, "Are we actually choosing cding over wife and family if we leave, or is it that the wife or family or friends are making choices, as well, that require us to leave? Is leaving/divorcing really ALL our decision? Wouldn't we be willing to stay if the wife and family were ok with it? Or not? Do some of us need to split (even with family acceptance) from the wife/family?

The title of the thread says it all: Whose decision is it? My reason for asking these rhetorical (sort of) questions is that I have heard others say that these decisions are only our decisions, with little comment on the other factors and decisions by others that cause us to leave.

As usual thank you for your thoughts, insights, and input.

[GaleWarning]

OK Kelli - again, my two cents' worth ...

In this case, you will have made a decision to take up an uncompromising stance on the issue, and as a result your wife will have made a decision to ask you to leave.

The rest is silence ...

[Nicki B]

Who's decision is it, to leave?

Surely the person who leaves (unless they get thrown out)..


But the basis for that decision has to be where is the suffering worst? And that varies as much as the people do, who are in each relationship - no situation is ever the same.

Tha answer to you're wife's question, Kelli, is that some people certainly are - but only you can answer if it's true in your case?

But there is a counter question for her - is she prepared to see you trapped in astate of misery, getting more and more difficult to live with? You can't just turn the feelings off..


You both need to find a compromise - but either of you moving out should, in any marriage, be a last resort?

[curse within]

My question is : Are we actually choosing cding over wife and family if we leave, or is it that the wife or family or friends are making choices themselves that require us to leave? For instance, if your wife says, " I can't handle this...don't want the kids involved with your cding... you need to move out..." , is leaving/divorcing really our decision? Wouldn't we be willing to stay if the wife and family were ok with it? Or not? Do some of us need to split (even with family acceptance) from the wife/family?

That is a good question, without understand that could turn in to the circumstance... Some of us left our CDing in the closet and allowed others to only know our male side. Only to release the feminine side of our selves at a later point of our life.

Now it depends your answer that is on what lead up to who is making the decission... Have you always be open and up front with your desires? Long before you have made any comittment to a relationship?.. If so then yes it's their decission because they should know that CDing is a part of you.

If you never where up front hid your CDing and was caught or felt over whelming to revel your secret , maybe from quilt ..Then it's you unconcious decission that created the circumstance that you have found yourself in..

[Katrina red nails]

Ok Kelli here's my stab at it.
Your last post section 1) In my case boundaries were agreed, i dressed often enough, stayed indoors and kept out of her way - everybody happy. Then, as women often do, she did a U turn and it was "carry on cding and i leave."
2a) was not an option she never goes out without me
2b) was equally not an option because I made the decision that i was not going to stop (there have been other issues in the past where i have abided by her wishes and stopped things but not this time)
2c) splitting could still happen but that will be her decision.
All I ask of her is that we turn back the clock to the previously agreed boundaries which again will be her decision but the overriding decision to carry on dressing has been made by me. It is a big gamble but i still hope she will come round and she hasn't left - yet.

[Kelli Michelle]

Clearly, if we left totally because we wanted out to live the life we wanted, then, as I said previously, that WOULD be us making a choice---cding over wife/family. That's obvious. I am speaking about other circumstances, where we are asked to leave, or thrown out, whatever. I usually hear, that in either case, it was ALL our decision. Not that simple, in that case, IMHO.

Clayfish, the comment you made, "In this case, you will have made a decision to take up an uncompromising stance on the issue, and as a result your wife will have made a decision to ask you to leave", is true to a degree. Yes the cder's decision is uncompromising , further the wife's "decision" is an uncompromising stance as well, no? It wouldn't be your decision to leave them over this. It would be (being fair) at least yours and hers.

While it's true the CDing is the catalyst for this, I would venture to say, especially if you are "further along the path" it's not all your choice. I suppose , in the long run, it doesn't really matter, though. I just get annoyed, again, when people claim that it's all about us, and not about anyone, or anything else.


BTW, my brain is getting tired, lol. This is serious, complicated stuff, isn't it?


Thanks, all.

[Karen564]

Ok, let's sort this. Of course my questions have to do with me. But, my questions are not meant to be primarily about me. Rather, I know these questions come up for a lot of people, so I am interested primarily in their thoughts and experiences. I was using my situation to sorta get the ball rolling, so to speak. BTW I was crossdressing long before I met my wife. You can view my other threads for the full story. The situation about not telling my wife doesn't really apply to me either.

As an aside, the choices (in a nutshell) that clayfish lays out look pretty correct to me,
1. Your wife and you can agree to set boundaries which enable you to dress frequently and fully enough to make you happy for awhile, and keep her happy the rest of the time. You stay together.
2. The two of you cannot agree. Then you and she might have to choose between
a) you go into the closet and dress only when she is not around. You and she are comfortable with this and decide that your marriage is worth it. You stay together. If this doesn't work, your marriage is doomed.
b) you decide never again to crossdress. You and she are comfortable with this and decide that your marriage is worth it. You stay together. Later, when the kids are grown and both of you are older, wiser and more mellow, you discuss the issue and you start CDing again.
c) You or she decides that you cannot reach a mutually-acceptable compromise over the issue, and you split."

To put it in perspective, let's use an example. Assume I am somewhere between CD and TS. This is who I am, no going away, and I may want more cding than I am getting now, or even perhaps to transition. Wife says "no...move out..." The questions are, again, "Are we actually choosing cding over wife and family if we leave, or is it that the wife or family or friends are making choices, as well, that require us to leave? Is leaving/divorcing really ALL our decision? Wouldn't we be willing to stay if the wife and family were ok with it? Or not? Do some of us need to split (even with family acceptance) from the wife/family?

The title of the thread says it all: Whose decision is it? My reason for asking these rhetorical (sort of) questions is that I have heard others say that these decisions are only our decisions, with little comment on the other factors and decisions by others that cause us to leave.

As usual thank you for your thoughts, insights, and input.

As I read this, I feel very sad for all involved with this relationship, I really do.

And what I'm about to say can go for Any relationship.

If I'm reading this right, which can get pretty confusing the way your asking it and your making it out to be more complicated than it really is, IMO.

In a nutshell, since you were not honest with your wife from the beginning before you took a vow of marriage, and she accepted this vow of marriage based on Love, honesty & trust from you, thinking that what she knew & saw in you was what she wanted based on how you presented yourself to her.

SOOO,,,, based on that, The decision IS and always was Your Choice to Stay OR leave.

In other words, if you say NO, I will not stop, and the whole CD thing is very upsetting to her because had she of known from the beginning, from the sounds of it, She would have never married you, because she doesn't like guy's that dress up as girl....and that is her right to feel that way... period.
and by you saying NO, Then that leaves her NO CHOICE but to say LEAVE then, because this is not what she wanted to be married to & never did, and that is her right.
If you say YES, I will stop, then, you have made the choice to Stay.

So either way, the Choice is ONLY yours on weather you want to stay or leave, you can't put the blame on them for making you leave because you gave them no choice to do otherwise if they strongly disapprove of CDing.

It's called Freewill, you can't make someone approve of something if they don't want to, just because you want it that way.

There will be no one to blame either way but Yourself for not being Honest & Truthful with Yourself #1, And #2 Most importantly, Your Wife.

It would be great if everyone in this world could be so understanding about the problems we all face, but I also believe that everyone has the same right as we do to express there beliefs, even if it's based on ignorance, but when one enters an relationship based on Love & Trust, and a person breaks that Trust, who's to blame here.... the answer is the obvious.....yes or no..

Sorry, Just my

Karen

[jenn25wnycd]

Kellie,

Lets pretend that you're not a crossdresser for a second and just your average strapping man's man, that takes care of his family, does his job to the best of his ability, and tries to be the best father he can be.....
Your wife comes up to you one day and says... hey hun... i really want to be a man... will you stay with me? Weird huh... You didn't marry a man... and she didn't marry a woman... the fine line is compromise.. if she has altered her compromise stance, it is her right to do so, but that would make it her decision. You know how some cd's say... well I didn't know WHO I WAS till i was 50!! So THATS WHY I am doing this now... well.... does it not seem fit that a spouse didn't know what she wanted out of her life till 50? and possibly change her mind on the whole ' i can deal with it' thing?
Just because she was young and possibly naive when she found out about your dressing, and though it was something she could deal with, does NOT mean that it is set in stone.... it just DOESN'T... Just like cd'ers that are always pushing the boundaries that were set to see if they can stretch them a little with their spouse... it's the same thing.. just for a second, think about what SHE is feeling and thinking about, then ask yourself if you would react the same way.

[ReineD]

You are transgendered. You cannot change this. It is not a option.

Either you both decide you can live with the CDing (hopefully with healthy compromises), or you both decide you cannot. When a marriage breaks up, it is never just one person's responsibility.

IMO the issue is not whether Kelli knew or didn't know before she married, or chose to tell her wife or not, especially if earlier in their relationship Kelli wanted to and thought she could live without it. Desires and levels of CDing change as individuals age and reach more profound degrees of self-acceptance, or as other barriers to the CDing are removed. Also, even if an SO knew from the onset, her own definitions might have been superficial. She might have decided she could live with her husband wearing lingerie in the bedroom for example, and it might have taken years for her or even for both of them to discover the CDing was more deeply rooted than anyone thought. Then who's fault is it if they cannot agree on the degree of expression, if the CDer's needs increase to the point of full body shaving and wishing an active social life en femme?

Everything always changes and it is up to both the partners in a relationship to decide whether or not they can weather these changes. So the solution is for both of you to communicate and compromise. Or divorce, in which case you will both lose something you each consider to be essential to your existence. As will your children.

I wish your wife could come to understand this.

And Kelli, if you do not think you are TS at the current time, I would consider stopping to mention this to your wife. No one knows what the future holds, and it is true that everything is possible, but to present a picture that may not be accurate IMO is not the best thing to do in your situation right now. A personal example: there is always the possibility I will lapse back into old addictions, but I do not remind my family of this on a regular basis.

Might also your outlook on the possibility of being TS change for you if you and your wife decide you can get past this and you stay together? Meaning, don't TSs know from very early on they are women born in the wrong body? Please forgive me if my question is naive or if it offends.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

KELLI - I have been confronted with this decision for the last 6 months - I still do not know what to do - my Spouse is accepting uo to a point (she wants boundaries - I do not)

The PINK FOG wants me to leave so I can CD all I want and to the EXTENT I want.

I have to weigh this against the loss of a wife of 38 years - my family, my friends, my job, my church

It makes sense to try to keep my CDing under control so I don't lose everything

But that dammed PINK FOG is so powerful - it causes me to take chances, disregard risks, and otherwise not think straight

Does this sound like you ?

JoAnne Wheeler