I must tell everyone I am sorry, I know this is going to be longer than it should. As a matter of fact, I probably should not even write it. But I am going to, in hopes of responses with advice other than see a therapist. I can't afford it, unless someone can direct me to a PROBONO therapist, so in an attemp to further discover my real (TRUE) self, rely heavely, but not entirely, on the responses I get within this community.
Two years or so ago, I took the COGIATI test. I scored 105 and if memory serves correctly that is within the andro catagory. At the time I was amased at how accurate I felt that was. About 6 months ago, after reading a post here about the test, I retook it and scored 220. I thought that was a little high, it put me in the possible transsexual catogory but I also knew that I had changed somewhat during that period. At about that same time, I decided to tell my story. I started writing a story about myself, an "as I can remember" my crossdressing life and times story. It is totally unfinished but I am editing and remembering differant things all the time so it is an ongoing thing. Maybe one day I will start putting some of it here on the site for you all to read
This past Monday, I had a totally unexpected but enlighting conversation with one of the girls that I work with. When she arrived, I was still dressed and she made a comment about how much happier I appeared to be when I dress up compared to when I don't. I asked her to explain what she meant by that. (I didn't think I was any differant). She said, OH YEAH! a big differance. She thought I should go full time because I was always a lot happier, more relaxed and at ease when I dress up.
She told me that her and a couple of the other girls have been talking about it lately and decided to tell me just that. I could not believe what I was hearing and especially what I just said (out loud) to another human being. For the first time ever, I verbally said to someone that if I had known early on, what I know now, I would have, without any doubt, lived my adult life as a woman. 24/7 and likely, had I been able to afford it, the entire SRS, but definately would have had breast implants. She asked a lot of questions, like would I now. I told her that I would. If things were differant, I would do the whole hormone thing to achieve a more fem body, but at this stage I doubt I would do the SRS. I had never admitted this to a living sole, not even to myself. I have thought of little else since..... Well, Yesturday while fully dressed, make up and all, I retook the test again. I do not know what to think about the results. I am, at the very best, totally unsure what to make of it. I have always thought I was pretty happy just being a crossdresser. Now that I am able to dress regularly I thought I had it made. I couldn't ask for more.
I SCORED 465. That places me way UP INTO THE TRANSSEXUAL CATAGORY. (don't get me wrong, I like the idea). I just do not know what to do with it. I will say that I am not one to put much stock into something like this test but I also have to admit, there maybe something to it.

Reading the posts here about homosexual feelings, transitioning paths and a couple others, I feel the need to tell you that I have always (I think) had a desire for male companionship. Even back in high school, maybe sooner, I remember wondering what it would be like to have sex with a male. I did act on it for a while when I was much younger but stopped because of the stress. Remember 30 years ago, homosexuality or crossdressing, well, it wasn't the thing to do. anywhere, anytime!!!
JEEEZZZZZZZ, am I confused or what?????
I feel I should also say that I am not overly happy with life as it is but Im not unhappy with it either. I mean I am married with two grown childeren and a few grand kids, all of which I enjoy a lot. But I still have this damned feeling that I am missing a part of me. Perhaps a yearning to be female.
I do know that if I could change me without having anything else change
I WOULD DO IT IN A HEART BEAT.
SO, WHERE DO YOU THINK I STAND?????

SORRY
Bobi