Bittersweet regrets

[makin' it real]

Hi. Caution, longish post ahead.

I'm feeling sad and awkward, disappointed and scared. You see, I've been celibate for 3 years now, intentionally so for the first 2 1/2 of that. Though I've not been actively seeking a partner, I've recently been allowing myself to be open to the possibility. So, here’s what happened that led me to feel these feelings.

I do research at a med school. In casual conversation in a friend’s office last week I commented on how beautiful one of the students is whose ID picture was on his wall (along with ID pix of all the other med students in that part of the program). He said yes, she is, and she’s gentle and graceful too.

Well a couple days later I attend a class I’d been invited to sit in on, only to find that student in the class. She is even more beautiful in person. I can’t help but notice her sparkling eyes as I occasionally look around the large table we were all seated at. The class was on sharing meaning in the therapeutic setting – how to connect with patients through discovering what matters most to them, including addressing questions of spirituality and life purpose. As part of the class, we several times went around the room sharing what was meaningful for us. It was a rich, intimate experience for most everyone involved. The students even gave an unprecedented round of applause at the class’s end.

So here is this heartful, intelligent, graceful, and beautiful woman I’m casting glances at. Our eyes catch a couple few times, sparkling in connection each time. I realize I might be looking her way too often. Not wanting to seem out of line, I purposely spend a few minutes not looking her direction. When I next scan the room I see she had been looking at me. Okay, good. It wasn’t just my imagination!

Class ends, people mill about, slowly gathering materials. Some leave, some move toward the professors for various activities, and I find this woman standing near me, turned slightly aside but not really doing anything. The gentlest of presenting behaviors. Ah, my heart melts, leaping, and I say hello.

We start talking and it turns out her birthday is this coming week. I asked about plans and she said she had none. As I start thinking her birthday would make a great reason for getting together, she mentions she’ll be turning 27. Oh crap! What the heck!? 27!? She looks so much more mature than that. I’m apparently terrible at guessing women’s ages, but I had thought she was more toward the lower end of what I think of as my dating range. Maybe mid-30’s or so since I’m 50.

But 27 is just too young, or at least that’s what immediately goes through my head as I awkwardly sputter some nonsensical words and fairly quickly turn away. She moves off a short distance as if to speak with another professor and I grab my things and bid a hasty retreat.

Now I’m left with this emotional turmoil. Was I too hasty? After all, I may look a bit young for my age, but my hair is solidly grey yet she still approached me. If she’s okay with my age, why am I not okay with hers? I later felt terrible for not speaking my truth more clearly, acknowledging interest then expressing why to not follow up, and instead just fumbling and leaving. It seemed awkward and nearly rude of me. It felt great to have a beautiful woman express interest in me, however subtly, but then I had a rush of insecurities show up later in response to my fumbling departure. Why couldn’t I have continued talking with her and adjusted myself to the possibility of developing a friendship with her instead of my then obvious romantic interest?

So many things have come up for me that I don’t even know what to ask all of you. I just had to share this and see what you think. Here’s a poem that feels right for me, with all this heart opening and roiling:

With That Moon Language

Admit something:
Everyone you see, you say to them,
"Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud;
Otherwise,
Someone would call the cops.

Still, though,
think about this,
This great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one
who lives with a full moon in each eye
that is always saying,

With that sweet moon language,

What every other eye in this world
is dying to hear?

from “The Gift: Poems by Hafiz the Great Sufi Master,” translated by Daniel Ladinsky