[SIZE="2"]“Do I have to...LOVE you?” (Neil Tennant)

Being a MtF crossdresser means dealing with many perplexing questions...

For instance, when I don women’s clothing, do I HAVE to question my sexuality? Why can’t I just wear a nice dress, some cute shoes, or my favorite unmentionables, and skip the associations that everyone insists I’m making crystal clear? I don’t question my sexuality. By this time in my life I know who I am, I know what I’m made of, and I know what the answer to “Are you gay?” is. And yet, when I crossdress, I can feel the fingers of society pointing at me in an accusatory manner – this has been instilled like some kind of gender-specific stigmata, and it’s hard to understand, in fact it hurts. Believe me; I just want to wear clothing that brings me pleasure, period. Keep in mind that I’m just a run-of-the-mill MtF crossdresser, and nothing more, OK?

Do I have to contemplate possible bisexuality when I crossdress? There must be a reason why I do this, right? I must be secretly attracted to males, so I dress as a female now and then to “act out” a role-reversal of epic proportions, correct? Nice try, but I’m not attracted to males, and I don’t dress up to make myself attractive to males. If I’m out and about, I dress in a certain way to blend in, or not be seen, slipping by the largely male “defenses” that are looking for any weakness in the populace. Males who prefer camouflage may appreciate this concept – I become part of the human “foliage.” As for the aforementioned attraction, I like certain types of individuals, regardless of gender, but I don’t see this as evidence of bisexuality. If I’m dressing up to declare my blessed apart-ness from males, why would I wish to abrogate this distance by trying to be attractive to them? That makes no sense at all...

When I look in the mirror at my cross-dressed (and adorned) self, do I have to wonder if I’m some kind of pervert or deviant? I am, of course, since I am deviating in the extreme from any societal trappings, as well as perverting conformity on the fly, but you need to see these words in a GOOD light, and not how everyone else sees them. You’ll never convince anyone that a male dressing up as a woman is NOT some sort of sexual perversity, but, in my case, it isn’t. How can a thing like emulation, based on a lifetime of observation, curiosity and longing become a nightmare of perversion? Please don’t put me on trial, the MtF crossdresser, in absentia because of inherited prejudice, and don’t assume that I’m a problem, a disease, or a danger to all who lay eyes on me. I deviate because I have issues with conformity and authority – neither one let me into their “clubhouse,” so I proceeded to deviate. Guess what? I’m much healthier than the non-perverts...

Do I have to wonder if there is a female inside me, and she is trying to get out? I never thought about this at all until I came to discussion forums like this one. I couldn’t make this statement to someone without biting my tongue, or feeling fraudulent, mainly because I don’t believe it to be true. You could make the case that ALL human beings have male and female characteristics, so it is plausible to think that the female can be submerged against her will, and vice versa, but, since we are not allowed to blur gender boundaries to any great extent, any expression along those lines is stillborn. I don’t ever feel that a woman is inside me, rather I acknowledge my sensitive nature and emotional response to things, and I enjoy tactile sensation perhaps more than others do, but in an obviously male context. In other words, I am ME, and there is no “other” who is imprisoned in my soul. Oh, it’s a neat way to describe one’s penchant for crossdressing, but, in my case at least, it just doesn’t hold water. I just LIKE to dress...

Do I have to accept everyone’s assumption (in this community) that I, the MtF crossdresser, am transgendered? This is another heaping helping of questioning, or unwanted doubt, which cuts into precious time that I could be spending whilst cross-dressed. Goodness, what does it all mean? I like to dress as a woman, therefore I must be on some kind of journey to actually BECOME a woman! I have taken the first step towards my inevitable goal, and now I must burden myself with all sorts of serious thinking – what about my family, my friends, and my career? What bathroom do I go into? Oh, it weighs on the mind, my friends. Remember the good old days, when I could frolic as a girl for a little while and be happy? I was aware of no outside connotations back then, and I was FREE! I did this fun thing and derived great pleasure from it, but then I came up against the precepts of TG, and suddenly I had to get very serious about things. I thought about being transgendered for about a nano-second, and then I resumed my carefree frolicking as a girl. Can you hear me giggling? Don’t get me wrong - if you’re TG, I just want you to know that I’m not like you. Good luck on your journey from M to F...

Speaking of the “community,” in this case LGBT, or whatever order of those symbolic letters you prefer, do I have to be a part of something that I don’t feel a part of? The other day, September 23rd, was “Celebrate Bisexuality Day,” so I told my sister about it. She told me she’s not bisexual (duh), but she also told me she “supports” bisexuality. OK... I asked her how one would go about supporting bisexuality, and, since my crossdressing is allegedly a part of the same community, isn’t support for bisexuality a nod in favor of wearing the “wrong” clothes? She didn’t have an answer for that, which just made me feel (once again) like I’m outside of the community that I am supposed to be a part of. I mean, if I’m not “G,” and I’m not “B,” how can I truly be “T?” Is there ever going to be “Celebrate Being a Crossdresser Day?” Oh, never mind...

One more thing - do I have to support all other individuals who crossdress, for whatever reason, simply because I like to dress-up on occasion? Am I being supported, or am I being further marginalized? I know we’re a small segment of the population, so small in fact that I will never come in contact with a genuine TG, or even a MtF crossdresser like me, in the flesh. It’s OK, since I do this purely for myself, in a highly individualistic effort to deal with my accidental existence. Do I even have to explain myself? From my perspective, life is pretty interesting, and my crossdressing has a lot to do with the “pretty” aspect. I dress-up to feel good, and it gets me through the day – I really don’t have to think about the other aspects of crossdressing, which other people insist are there in force, and thus must be dealt with in some way. I’m not what people think I am, no matter what direction you may be coming from – I’m just a MtF crossdresser, and it doesn’t really have to mean anything...

Do you ever wonder if you HAVE to think about certain things, simply because you crossdress?

Of course, I didn’t HAVE to write this, but I did. Thanks for reading... [/SIZE]