Hi all . . . promise not a rant or a musing of my mind. Just a simple experience and wondering if it is just me or if others have felt same thing.

My experience . . . Yesterday was an Isha day as I wanted to buy a jean skirt for the summer (if it ever gets here that is ). I have been going out dressed since September last year and have progressed from ninja femme drives, drive-thru service, quick walks around a parking lot, walking in the store and leaving to my current state of just being out whenever and wherever. So yesterday was no different from any other Isha day.

My modus operandi these days is to place myself in the most awkward, up close and personal venues for interacting. Specifically, I take the bus to the mall on busy Fridays. I have come to a place in my life where I am fine with me and who I am. Heck people see a guy in girls clothes but I am good with that. So I prefer to get the stares, guffaws and giggles out of the way sooner than later.

So all was going good. I take the bus from a busy hub so lots of stares, pokes in sides . . . nudge, nudge, wink, wink but nothing more than usual. Boarded the bus sat down and did what everyone else does put in my headphones and ignore the world. Got off the bus at the mall station and transcended into a throng of teens standing around waiting for buses . . . giggles, guffaws, . . . nothing new. Continue on up into the mall and begin my day of shopping. Now this is where Isha hits her stride as I just go from store to store, look at items, interact with SAs if required and make my purchases. Oh I get read and there are double-takes, nudges, giggles, stares . . . but I have grown used to that and just go about my business.

So I decide to go to Starbucks and get a coffee and then it happens. I am walking by this older guy sitting on a bench and for a brief minute we make eye contact. This has happened hundreds of times and in most cases the encounter is brief and I move on. However this time his facial features go from vanilla, to WTF then to pure and absolute disdain. It felt like he thought I was a traitor to my gender and should be eradicated from the earth . . . pure hate is all I can say. I know, some may say you are reading into it but believe me, I have seen that look and it was real. Now I didn't feel threatened in the sense he was going to jump up and go all Chuck Norris on me but the hate in his eyes was clear.

I admit it knocked my confidence off balance, I broke eye contact and retreated to the safety of Starbucks. Once I hit SBs, I began to have a classic panic attack. I locked myself in the bathroom for what felt like forever (probably only 10 minutes). I was visibly shaken, short of breath and to be honest afraid to go back out in the mall. However, I did calm down and left the bathroom, bought my coffee and left the mall . . . she who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.

I am still very mad at myself for leaving and even madder that I did not buy my skirt. Oh well, live and learn . . . but I do plan to get back on the horse so next trip will be by bus to the mall in the city core.

So just wondering if this has happened to anyone else?

Hugs

Isha