Hello, lovely people of CDers.com! I know I haven't been very active here recently but there was a reason!
So, I've been visiting a gender therapist and going to trans* support groups every week for the past month or so and realized something very important about myself. I don't want to be a man. I want to be a lesbian.
After talking over some issues with my therapist and group, I realized that my feelings weren't the same as other trans*persons that felt they were the wrong gender.
Although I do naturally cross gender boundaries in both my appearance and behavior, crossdressing began for me because of my first crush, a straight girl. I desperately wanted her to like me and began to masculinize myself so that me being a girl didn't matter. Other times in my life that I crossdressed (including now) weren't because I wanted to be a man, but because I didn't want to be a straight woman. Even though I knew I was attracted to girls, I was still in denial.
So, how did I manage that? Well, after looking at my childhood and the way I was raised (I don't feel like recapping so just check out the 'Gender and Perception' thread) my therapist helped me understand that since a 'normal' nuclear family was what I'd been raised was the only acceptable choice.
I'd unconsciously been trying to justify my homosexuality by becoming, quite literately, the 'man of the house' so that I would still technically be straight by liking girls.
So, I'm still somewhat on the gender variant spectrum because I occasionally enjoy crossdressing, but not the way I thought and not the way I've been presenting.
I'm really sorry and hope no one feels too upset with me.
