First, I will say this - none of this is meant to offend, but I will use the words as I understood them back then. I knew so little... Sets the mood you know?

I was about 23 maybe. 1997'ish? Wife and kid were going out of town for a month. I wondered what it would be like to dress completely as a woman. I knew what size pantyhose I wore, but what about the rest? And makeup? Heh, that was a blast to try learning from books and secretly trying on clothes at goodwill. I was gonna learn to dress in drag somehow.

I bought some books. One was by Miss Vera. THIS held the secrets to being a REAL drag queen or transvestite or whatever it was called. Not a word about how to pick your clothing sizes or do makeup. I had waited over a week for this book and drove (after dark of course) to the gay book store for this POS.

Well I called some "gay services" thing in the phone book and they put me in contact with a leader of a local TG group. So nervously I called. I mean I had never talked to a REAL transvestite before. We met for lunch at a gay bar. She told me stuff about HRT, mannerisms and things related to transition. I thought, "Well great, she told me about estro-something and not to walk like a man." I wanted to ask how to dress like a woman (hadn't even shaved my mustache yet) but didn't even know where to start with THAT. It was still awesome though cause now I had contacted a REAL transvestite. Man, there were TWO of us living in this town, even if I was just starting out. I survived the experience and this other one was just like a real person!

Now I was motivated and put things in high gear...

Put together my first outfit with a black skirt, tee shirt, some dumb looking heels, a gold belt, and makeup. Bright red lipstick of course. Hit the clubs, met with other trans, started learning about this life.
I even had a horrible name picked out - Trudy. Well someone gave that name to me. Oh my gyod, my stomach hurts typing that name. But I got by hiding in the night of course. Oh yes, the hiding...

Fast forward to today. I cannot remember when I last heard my male name (other than my ex, she my son are the ONLY ones allowed to use it). Go to work each day as Erin, my gender just isn't an issue. It feels like I have been Erin my whole life. Went from hiding in the night to just "being". I cannot imagine my life any other way.

Alright look - by now someone is wondering what the point of this ramble is. For those starting out or struggling, one day you too will get to where your gender just isn't an issue. You won't think much about it other than brief passing thoughts that fade instantly. I mean it flies by so fast. I laugh when I think about all the silly crap I did during the learning process like going to a mall on a saturday night in a mini skirt or some of the horrid attempts at dressing or maybe before I trained my voice and I just avoided communication. One time I was out "dressed" and I walked into a breakfast place and said, "Look, I am a man dressed like a woman, is it still Ok if I use the restroom?" Damn I was crazy.
You too will make some awkward blunders...

I do have one regret about it all - I wish I had kept my first actual outfit.