I realized yesterday that I am old. Though nothing exceptional happened.

I had a day off and a girlfriend of mine requested that I visit her in her shop to try on some new clothes. She was getting a new delivery..I love this lady.
I got dressed up as Ellie and drove to the city.

When I got to her shop the delivery had just arrived and she was very busy so I went next door for a coffee. The staff were fantastic - though I look ok my voice isnt feminine and they knew I was a guy but were very polite. I spent 30 minutes in the coffee shop looking at people and no one paid me much attention (apart from one woman who did a double take). As I was leaving I looked in the mirror above the counter and I saw an old lady looking back at me. I realized it was me and I looked old. When I got dressed the lighting in the bathroom was fine and reduced the shadows on my face but here in the coffee shop I was old.
I went next door and my friend had finished with the delivery and she was so nice and we had a chat about getting old (shes only late 20's, and her biggest problem was frown lines reduced with botox). I tried on some clothes and I looked in the mirror in her store (Bright lights designed to reduce shadows) and I looked OK until I went close to the mirror and I could see the ageing me again (I am 54). Other shoppers were in store and didnt give me a second glance but the excitement had gone and I just wanted to get home.

I now realize how much women dread aging. It never bothered me before, as I am happy being a male and never really bother whats in the mirror, but as I see Ellie aging I feel sad.

Due to some skin cancers I have to wear sunscreen and moisturizer on my face at all times and I am hoping this will reduce the aging but I think the days of me dressing and going out as Ellie are finished as I have no desire for people to see an old guy in a dress trying to look like a woman.

When I get dressed and look in the mirror I still see Ellie, but I cant forget how I looked a few years ago when I was so narcissistic I couldnt stop looking at myself - It seems those days have gone.

I feel sorry for women who know this is coming and feel a little sorry for myself as I know I cannot turn the clock back. I have never had a desire to be a woman and dont feel like I should be one (unlike many on here) but now as a guy I look in the mirror and feel a little sad because behind my eyes I see Ellie looking out and I know she is scared of getting old.


My friend in the shop is so gorgeous and the girls in the coffee shop so friendly I am going to miss going in as Ellie but Ill still drop by as a guy.

This post sounds a little depressing and maudlin but I thought I would share it with you. I may find a way to reduce the aged look and Ellie may be out there again but unless she looks good she's ain't going anywhere.

Best wishes
Ellie