I met my ex-wife in the summer of 1997. We were 18 and it was love at first sight. Within two weeks of dating I told her I felt like I was transgender. She started crying and said if I wanted to stay with her I wouldn't be allowed to be trans. I loved her so much I agreed not to be trans and not dress around her. She knew I would crossdress behind her back and it was an 'out of sight, out of mind' situation. I was with her for 23 years and she would frequently state, "A real woman wouldn't wear that" when she would inspect my wardrobe (while I wasn't allowed to dress around her, she kept track of what I owned). This applied to pretty much everything regarding anything feminine. This did not only apply to my personal closet, but to society as a whole. She would declare that 'real' women don't wear dresses or skirts. Women don't wear high heels; nor stockings. Females don't wear makeup or paint their nails and they would never wear any lingerie or anything with satin. She would tell me she is trying to help me with my wardrobe and make me blend into society better. She would advise if I was to wear women's clothing it would be best to wear jeans, sneakers, and a plain t-shirt. That is what she wore all the time. I was confused. When we were out in stores I would point out that there were racks of dresses, nice blouses, makeup counters, and high heels. Some places even sold stockings, and lingerie. She firmly would reiterate that women don't buy that stuff. I couldn't believe that the mall, Walmart, and other department stores would devote so much space and inventory for clothing aimed towards crossdressers and transgender people. If women don't buy or wear the clothes why would stores try to sell so much of it? I knew she wasn't correct, but at the time I let her beliefs own me.
I would point out that I would see women in makeup at all sorts of places. I work downtown and told her that I see several women every day wearing heels, and dresses. She would educate me by pointing out that those women are office 'hussies' trying to get promoted and having affairs. Women that would paint their nails are trying to 'horse' around (not sure if I am allowed to type what I actually mean but the word rhymes with door). According to her, while these were women they weren't 'real' women. I countered her arguments with regards to her mom. Her mom was very feminine. I remember when we were in our early 20's her mom wanted to go out to the mall; just the three of us and get some lunch. Even though it was a Saturday, she wore a blue satin blouse, a black skirt, black hose, and high heels. I pointed that out to my ex later on and she explained it away that her mom was from the previous generation where it was normal to be feminine and our generation it was normal to be as plain as possible.
As can be surmised, she wasn't/ isn't feminine at all. The only time she ever wore a dress was for our wedding. She never painted her nails. She rarely wore makeup. There weren't any heels, lingerie, and no stockings in any of her drawers. I learned the hard way to never buy her lingerie or a lacy bra for a present. I admit that her insistence and her tutelage had a negative affect on my personal style. I would wear dresses and lingerie in private but would be so confused about what to wear the rare times I went out in public. Maybe not such a big deal back then, but it is impacting my life negatively now.
We divorced in 2020. When she walked out the door she told me that there aren't any women on the planet that would tolerate being in a relationship with a transwoman. She was wrong. It was only three months later I met the most amazing woman. Not only is she accepting and supportive of me, she reached out to me BECAUSE I was trans! I started living as Lisa full time. I started taking HRT. I changed my name legally. I got married wearing a wedding dress in November of 2022! Despite my current wife being so supportive of me, 23 years of negative teaching by my ex has impacted my self esteem in regards to style. There are items I want to buy but I hear my ex tell me that I can't wear them. I have several outfits that just sit in my closet untouched because I know my ex wouldn't approve of them. I had breast augmentation surgery over two weeks ago and I couldn't wait to wear my v-neck blouses. Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist. I put on jean shorts, a v-neck casual satin top, and sandals. I loved the way it looked. I couldn't believe that I could actually see cleavage. I thought it was so feminine and I looked amazing. Before I stepped out the door though, I heard my ex say (in my head) that a real woman wouldn't wear that so I changed into blue jeans, a pink t-shirt, and tennis shoes. It looked okay, but not what I really wanted to wear. I talked about this in therapy that I just can't shake loose my ex's control over me; even though she shouldn't have any control at all. My therapist insists I wear the outfit to my next appointment. I promised I would try.
This thinking and constant doubts annoy my wife. She is rightfully upset that I let my ex control my style and I disregard her input. I admit I am way in the wrong. My ex and I occasionally see each other when there is an activity for the kids (I have custody). I make sure to dress as plain as possible, but if I want to blend in (pass) at all I have to wear makeup. Every time my ex sees me, she makes a comment about how bad my makeup looks or that there isn't any reason to wear any at all. When we had our court appearance over custody last month, she made a comment that I overdressed by wearing heels; she wore sneakers.
I do manage to push out my own style occasionally. My wife and I went on a 2 week Hawaiian cruise for our honeymoon. I wore skirts and dresses to dinner almost every night. I went all out during the formal nights and wore a black sparkly dress, black hose, and high heels. I received compliments from fellow passengers all night. I felt so pretty and feminine! I was proud of myself because I never even thought about my ex's opinion as I was getting ready. I do recognize that there is a vast array of styles regarding femininity. My wife wears makeup, dresses, and even lingerie. She thinks I look beautiful and sexy when I do. I know there are millions of CIS women that do wear feminine items or stores wouldn't try to sell them. I think deep down I know it's okay to be feminine.
Does anyone have any advice on how to accept my own style? I am right that there are plenty of CIS women that do wear feminine clothes aren't I? And why am I giving power to someone that held me down for 23 years?
Thanks for being here and listening.
Lisa
