Hey girls,
Pardon me, i just need to get this off of my chest.
So, I was bored this morning, and decided to go into a chat room. I'm an accepting person, I hang out in chat rooms that don't fit me. For example, i'll go into christian chat rooms from time to time, even though i'm not a christian myself. I don't see it as a big deal, and i enjoy discussing all kinds of subjects.
This morning, my chat room of choice was a gay room. I'm not gay. Never been with a man, never been attracted to men. But, I will also never judge someone because they have different tastes than i do.
Anyway, so i'm there, and this guy strikes up a conversation with me. We're talking, and sooner or later the subject turns to the fact that i'm a crossdresser. We talk for awhile about why i do it, when i started, etc. etc. the usual. He asks if he can see me, and i was feeling quite brave (for me) so i turned on my cam for awhile. This man treated me like a woman. he made me FEEL like a woman. We didn't cyber, or anything, and i didn't show him anything beyond my face and my dress, (don't worry, this isn't going THAT direction). But i was enjoying it. It was nice to be treated like a lady, and not as a man pretending to be one, y'know?
Before i knew what hit me, I realized that i was more than enjoying it. Basically, For the first time in my life, i was attracted to a man. I don't know if it was what he was saying, or how he was saying it, or the way he looked, or if i was just really getting to IN to being Sarah, but I started to think of this man as a potential.....something. I entertained the possibility of it at least. Hell, i still am.
I'm torn right now. I don't want to be with a man, but i want to be with HIM. I don't want anybody (in real life at least, online i don't care) to know about Sarah, But i want HIM to see me, I want HIM to take me out, treat me like a lady. I want...I don't even KNOW what i want.
I feel really weird, yet excited. A part of me is creeped out by this, and a bigger part of me is loving it. part of me never wants to sign in under that name again, but the other part wants to talk to him again and see where it goes.
i really HATE the part of me this, part of me that crap.
Just so you all know, i know to be careful with online stuff. hell, there might not even be online stuff, but since i'm at least entertaining the idea, there might be. I feel like i've got a schoolgirl crush, but i'm cautious.
I don't know, i just had to type all of this out. I've got no one to talk to about it in the "real world", So all of you lucky chicks are the ones who get to listen.
You know, i might be heavily in the closet about my crossdressing, but I've always known about it. It was as easy to accept as having a nose. This is something completely new, and i just don't know how to deal with it.
I think i'll go get drunk