I am freaked out

[sarahdavids]

Hey girls,

Pardon me, i just need to get this off of my chest.

So, I was bored this morning, and decided to go into a chat room. I'm an accepting person, I hang out in chat rooms that don't fit me. For example, i'll go into christian chat rooms from time to time, even though i'm not a christian myself. I don't see it as a big deal, and i enjoy discussing all kinds of subjects.

This morning, my chat room of choice was a gay room. I'm not gay. Never been with a man, never been attracted to men. But, I will also never judge someone because they have different tastes than i do.

Anyway, so i'm there, and this guy strikes up a conversation with me. We're talking, and sooner or later the subject turns to the fact that i'm a crossdresser. We talk for awhile about why i do it, when i started, etc. etc. the usual. He asks if he can see me, and i was feeling quite brave (for me) so i turned on my cam for awhile. This man treated me like a woman. he made me FEEL like a woman. We didn't cyber, or anything, and i didn't show him anything beyond my face and my dress, (don't worry, this isn't going THAT direction). But i was enjoying it. It was nice to be treated like a lady, and not as a man pretending to be one, y'know?

Before i knew what hit me, I realized that i was more than enjoying it. Basically, For the first time in my life, i was attracted to a man. I don't know if it was what he was saying, or how he was saying it, or the way he looked, or if i was just really getting to IN to being Sarah, but I started to think of this man as a potential.....something. I entertained the possibility of it at least. Hell, i still am.

I'm torn right now. I don't want to be with a man, but i want to be with HIM. I don't want anybody (in real life at least, online i don't care) to know about Sarah, But i want HIM to see me, I want HIM to take me out, treat me like a lady. I want...I don't even KNOW what i want.

I feel really weird, yet excited. A part of me is creeped out by this, and a bigger part of me is loving it. part of me never wants to sign in under that name again, but the other part wants to talk to him again and see where it goes.

i really HATE the part of me this, part of me that crap.

Just so you all know, i know to be careful with online stuff. hell, there might not even be online stuff, but since i'm at least entertaining the idea, there might be. I feel like i've got a schoolgirl crush, but i'm cautious.

I don't know, i just had to type all of this out. I've got no one to talk to about it in the "real world", So all of you lucky chicks are the ones who get to listen.

You know, i might be heavily in the closet about my crossdressing, but I've always known about it. It was as easy to accept as having a nose. This is something completely new, and i just don't know how to deal with it.

I think i'll go get drunk

[Shadeauxmarie]

What a thoughtful, inciteful post.

You know the pitfalls. It's your life.

Have fun!

[Michelle04240]

Sounds like you had fun. There is no harm in seeing where it goes. A good relationship is a good relationship no matter the sexes involved.

Take it at your own pace, and be careful for sure, but if your "clicking" with someone, have at it.

[Karren H]

Shit happens ya know!! Tastes change... I used to do a lot of web camming enfemme and truthfully I enjoyed the compliments and being treated like a lady.. And some guys can really work their charm on a lady.... After you sober up you may have a different opinion of the who thing.. Lol

[newtothelife]

I know it sounds trite, But only you can decide what is right for you. Take it slow, if nothing more you may come out of this with a new good friend. I am sure you know how hard it is to find a friend that is accepting to our lifestyle. Sometimes the friendship alone is worth the risk. I hope you work this out to your satisfaction. Good luck.


Newtothelife

[uknowhoo]

I think I'd be freaked out too! But, self-discovery and acceptance is why we'r here. You referenced the part of you that liked it was "the bigger part." I'd say, go ahead down that road, cautiously. It doesn't mean you can't make a U turn later if that's what you want. Good luck. xoxo Tammi

[Nicole Erin]

As we know, us CD's have a feminine side.

If the guy was a gentleman, it was that femme part of your psyche responding normally. Myself, I love being treated like a lady when I am en femme. I think most of us do.

There is no shame in being attracted to anyone who is a decent person.

Honestly, I say don't try to figure it out, just enjoy it.

[MJ]

As we know, us CD's have a feminine side.

If the guy was a gentleman, it was that femme part of your psyche responding normally. Myself, I love being treated like a lady when I am en femme. I think most of us do.

There is no shame in being attracted to anyone who is a decent person.

Honestly, I say don't try to figure it out, just enjoy it.

wow very well said , just be careful

[jonnie64]

If it was enjoyable to you then you shouldn't be ashamed nor should you feel any guilt. I have done the same thing, not with a webcam, but with photos and had a wonderful time with a number of fellow CD's and men.

haven't done so in awhile, but looking forward to the next time i do!

it is what it is! but definitely be careful!! there are a lot of nutters out there!

Good luck!

[SandyR]

My first "out of the closet" rush was online web cam. Me and a pair of heels, nice black thigh highs. I must admit, I enjoyed the attention he gave me, it felt nice.....

Hugs!

SandyR

[sterling12]

Whenever I get "That question," from people. I.E. "Are you gay?" I always answer, "not yet, but who knows!"

Your femme side was very flattered by the attention, it's a compliment and a turn on when someone treats you as a woman. Should you be surprised? Not really, the reaction is just about like the way a GW would feel in that situation. It's happened to a lot of us.

Quite a few won't admit to it, but I think virtually all of us have indulged in "fantasy's." There are literally millions of us reading The Stories on Fictionmania, and they are all the equivalent of CD Romance novels. Yes, quite a bit more hard-core, but nonetheless they are ROMANCE stories. I think there's an obvious attraction for CD's.

Your ambivalent feelings are natural. But, I would counsel to "hold your water, relax, count to ten....or ten million, and see how you feel about things in a couple of weeks." These things when given time, start to look a lot less attractive. We let our logical brain start sorting things out and suddenly impulsive acts lose their appeal.

After you examine things, if you want to "pursue the dream," by all means, "Go for it Gurlfriend!" Who the heck am I to tell you nay!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[docrobbysherry]

Dear SD,
I think u will look back at your feelings posted here, in say, 10 or 20 years. And u will have a chuckle! Who knows where path leads? I certainly don't, and I've had a long time to figure it out!

Discovered I liked bondage, well after I was your age.
20 years later, I start dressing in ladies clothes, and wondering what the heck I'm doing!
In between, I've investigated A LOT of fetishes.

As others have counselled; be careful, be sure u r doing what U WANT! Then, just sit back and enjoy the journey.
RS

www.myspace.com/robertsherry

[Dawn Marie]

Sound like you enjoyed the chat. Talk like that can never hurt, and girl get all the compliments you can. I myself love the compliments I get when out and love the conversations but that's as far as it get, I'm strickly heterosexual. But you go girl, follow your heart.

[sarahdavids]

thanks, ya'll

I'm considerably less freaked out right now. I still haven't decided if I want to pursue this or not, but i am now accepting the idea. If I decide to, i'm going to go really slow. If i decide not to, well, not much really changes. lol.

The more i thought about it, I realised that although it's a new thing, it's not necessarily a bad thing. I might like it, I might not, but why freak out about it? especially at this stage of it? No reason.

Of course, everything depends on if he was actually interested in me, sincere about the things he was saying, or just hoping to see my naughty's, lol.

[Rita B]

Gotto go with Karen on this one.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Romance and sex are two different things. Romance is a part of gender, sex isn't (is why there are gays and lesbians). I think we all find at some point our fem side wants to feel appreciated and beautiful and desired...but it doesn't have to necessarily be with a MAN.....we just want to feel and enjoy the romance.

Go slow sis....once you open some boxes the lids never quit fit back on tight and you can never get the contents folded just right so it all fits back in as before.


Emily Ann

[Fab Karen]

Just as you became comfortable with cross-dressing, you MAY be coming to terms with another aspect of your sexuality- if it's something you desire, you can explore it with someone you feel safe with. And you don't have to fit into one category: gay or heterosexual. Nor does a sexual experience make you gay/bi ( feelings for someone are a sign of that ).
One tip for dealing with guys online: if they're pushing for sexual pics, they're probably just looking for a quick thrill, and often don't even meet up with people in the real world. And don't give out your ph. number, you can get theirs if you want to communicate via voice.

[sarahdavids]

Well, after a few days, it became apparant that he was just a sweet talking, insincere, thrill seeker. Pushes became shoves, and when I wouldn't degrade myself before his vision, sweet talk became insults.

Guess i need to learn to be a bit more careful with my emotions, and learn to interpret things better.

I'm a bit sad and a bit relieved. all told, i'm glad to have had this experience. While the realization freaked me out, it opened me up to it, and allowed me to accept it, if love ever comes from that side of the sexual spectrum, at least i won't be afraid of it.

I still would prefer a woman though.

Sarah

[suzannecarr]

at least not as much as you used to be, and to be honest i went through the same thing! ive found that i am only attracted to one type of guy, but then again arent all women dont they narrow it down, it may be hard to accept at first but my suggestion is to be yourself, i have begun to identify in my minds eye(if that makes sense) almost totally with my female self, dont be afraid or ashamed of it, cuz to be quite clear, you are what you are and who you are and the sooner you accept and move on the better your life will be! this may be a one time thing, for some it is, but , for me, i have never seen myself as a man, never felt like a man, not deep down, and i ve never looked like one either (tried to for a long time, good luck, and be true to your inner you!!

[sexotik]

My advice: be very cautios, cuz ppl on line pretend , and aren't who you think they are or say to be. This shocked your world and your thoughts, perhaps you don't like men in general , but you like this one, cuz he made you feel like a girl. Before a face-to-face encounter you should get to know him very well. Good luck!

[Sally24]

Very few of us are 100% heterosexual if we're honest with ourselves. That doesn't mean that we will ever take it to a real world intimate encounter with a man but it is just another facet of crossdressing and gender. I have plenty of fantasys but being married I only consider social interaction with men and nothing more than dancing and talking. You single gurls can consider any other relationships and see if they fit with your life. Don't be afraid of who you are, just cautious so you or someone else doesn't get hurt (emotionally or physically!)