The future is scary

[Super Amanda]

I have been real excited about being Amanda since Halloween, and since then, my thoughts have been positive. Ive seriously started looking at going to counseling, and have been wanting to finally let my mom know who I am.
The problem started tonight when my younger brother called me to ask if I could help him move a couch. I agreed and all was well until on the way home we passed by some local hot spots were lots of people my age were out looking for fun. The girls were all so pretty and sexy and every kind of beautiful woman you can imagine. It broke my heart. My whole life, ive never been comfortable in my own skin, thus turning out a fairly anti social person. I would love to go and feel comfortable and laugh and smile, but I cant. I envy regular people so much right now.
My ex has been very supportive of me, she is the only one who really knows about me, so she is kind of my confidant, and I couldn't even get a hold of her on the phone,because she is probably out having fun like a normal person does on Friday night. I keep bouncing back and forth between and it is becoming hard to hide my inner turmoil.
I don't even know what this thread is about, it says the future is scary and it is. I have a 4 year old boy and I take care of him alone. He has it hard enough as it is without his mom around, let alone seeing me do this sometimes. And deep down I know I want to be a woman, but how can I do that to my son? Yet when I push "her" down I am a worthless human being. I'm not gonna lie, suicide seems like an easy way out sometimes. But I wont leave my son alone, never, not even if it means i'm miserable forever. What a sick joke.

[Kate Simmons]

Suicide is never an option my friend and all it ever accomplishes is sorrow and grief for the survivors. Have you ever tried calling a help line? You do need to talk to someone and your Son needs you. You have many folks here to talk to for support as well. Many of us have had these thoughts, I know I did once upon a time but then I realized that those I love are much better off with me than without me, despite the diffuculties. No one ever said life would be easy but it's up to each and every one of us to take ownership of ourselves and make a positive difference and make perceived disadvantages work for us. It can be challenging at times for sure but we never really know what we are made of unless we meet the challenge. We owe ourselves that much to find out.

[Mirani]

My heart goes out to you.

Your situation is sadly not unique. I support your own idea of seeking counselling.

Sending you hugs.
You will find that there are many who understand your frustration and at times depression.

Best wishes.

[GypsyKaren]

The first thing you have to do is take a deep breath and slow things down a bit, and you stop that suicide talk this instant! I won't allow it because it's not an option, your son comes first and he needs you as much as you need him.

Amanda, you need to find someone to talk to about this, as quickly as possible, because you've got some decisions to make and you'll need the help. How do you consider yourself, CD or TS? This is something you need to know, but either way it's a tough road ahead.

I know about trying to suppress who you are, I tried it for to many years and it doesn't work. I also know that you worry about the effect of this on your son, but he's still very young and probably wouldn't know what's going on if you decide to take things further. You've got to get yourself in a healthy frame of mind, talk to someone, please!

Karen Starlene

[Marianna Julianna]

Amanda, I can say nothing more but that talking is always better than any action to end your life early, you must never lose hope dear. No matter what the situation those that survive and grow stronger with it are those that do not lose hope. I'll be thinking of you, even if there's nothing else I can do.

[RebeccaLynne]

Amanda, you're among friends. Please don't allow depression to overwhelm you. See the love in your son's eyes when he looks at you, and summon strength and courage from it.
Tomorrow will dawn on a new day. Despair can only prevail if hope and happiness are denied.
The future holds innumerable opportunities for incredible happiness and fulfillment. But you've got to hang on and give it a chance to unfold.
You're welcome to PM me if you'd like someone to talk to. I'm a dad, too.
RebeccaLynne

[renee k]

Hi Amanda,

First off,I agree with everyone else here, and get some counselling. Talking with someone will help clear your head, and find solutions to your needs. The love you have between you and your son will always be unconditional. No matter what road you decide to take. I'm a dad too, PM me if your need someone to talk to.

Renee

[kim85]

I have been real excited about being Amanda since Halloween, and since then, my thoughts have been positive. Ive seriously started looking at going to counseling, and have been wanting to finally let my mom know who I am.

thats fantasic new new hun and good luck for when you finally tell her

we passed by some local hot spots were lots of people my age were out looking for fun. The girls were all so pretty and sexy and every kind of beautiful woman you can imagine.It broke my heart.

This is always going to be something that bothers you even as a RG i see some girls and think i want to be like her but beleive me i bet 99.9% of the girls you saw have at some point felt the same

I envy regular people so much right now.

define regular people ........ there is not "normal/regular" person

I'm not gonna lie, suicide seems like an easy way out sometimes. But I wont leave my son alone, never, not even if it means i'm miserable forever. What a sick joke.

its good to read that you wont leav your child. Speaking as a child whos father commiteed suicide trust me your son would come to hate you i know that i hate my father for what hes done to me and my life by doing what he did.
It seems to me that you love your son dearly as it should be. Children adapt to things a lot eaiser than adults can id say contact with a group/organastion that deals with your suitation seems to be the best bet. They would be able to give you support and advice. But this can only be done if and when your ready. You know that everyone here will support you as much as they can good luck and im thinking of you

Kim
xxx

[Mollyanne]

Hi Amanda, Like the other sisters here I totally agree with them SUICIDE is not an option here. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!!!!
First off you must find a counselor to talk to.
There is a group called Parents without partners, see if there is a chapter where you live.
You are young with a lot of responsibility but the future is not and I repeat NOT SCARY!!!
Please don't fall into the trap of goin' out and havin' fun, I realize that youth will want to do this but you have someone who is very dependent on you.
You have "sisters" and friends here so you are not alone.


Mollyanne

[jandebs]

hi Amanda, just had to write. Please sit yourself down and try to refocus, give yourself an 'inner hug'. If you can just look at your life and commitments a little differently you might be able to see that your 'femaleness' in the fullest sense, is right in front of you. just put aside all the complications of 'presenting' as female for a moment and consider the fact that you are actually in a position of 'nurturer', carer for a young child. This is a profoundly deep relationship that is most usually the woman's domain and you are now yourself actually in that role. You can approach the kind of commitment your son needs from you in exactly the same way as every mother understands. And through time i think you'll find that other mothers talk, and support each other in a million ways through their lives concerning their children. If you can open yourself up to the possibility, you will find that you share this special thing with other mothers in every way, and that it is something they will happily share with you.

My wife died about thirteen years ago and i found myself as sole carer for two young kids. My life with them turned out to be the most enriching experience in ways that i can hardly put into words, and in a way that i would never have experienced as a dad, often out at work, and in some ways denied of a particular kind of closeness they would have had with their mother had she survived. I kept house, altered my work patterns to be there, cooked, laundered, focused my whole life around them. As they grew older, i was there, needed to be there, through all their anxieties and probs through school, relationships, the emotions of puberty, everything. i've been a 'single mum' and you can be too.

As for all the surface stuff, wanting to present as female etc.. let that unfold in the way that it will, and see how things turn out. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but there's no rush. You can let those outer details come out and evolve gradually and naturally. that will be best for your son too. Your femaleness is there for the lifetime, and the essence of it is something other than what you might look like on the outside. If you don't 'force' it all to go your way as fast as you can, in my experience the outer manifestation of female will evolve and change naturally. By the time my daughter was 16, she was raiding my pantyhose and perfume, borrowing my shoes. It was trickier for my son, mainly because of fears about what his mates might think, though ironically, they ended up not being the least bit bothered. And although i'd end up every now and again in tears on my own, thinking i'd been utterly selfish allowing my female side to come out visibly, the way i'd dress etc, while they were growing up, because of the inevitable complications of accepting a rather weird 'dad', these days, now they're in their twenties, we have a relationship i could never have thought possible, just like your own deep fears now. I also have a few fabulous woman friends, with whom i've shared, through all these years, a history and closeness that has its roots in childrearing.

You have a child who needs your love and complete commitment right now, something that is deeply natural for every woman. And all the anxieties and fears about the future of your identity and wanting to find and express your natural and real self in the context of parent are something every mother knows about. Please hang in there! x

[TxKimberly]

I have been real excited about being Amanda since Halloween, and since then, my thoughts have been positive. Ive seriously started looking at going to counseling, and have been wanting to finally let my mom know who I am.
The problem started tonight when my younger brother called me to ask if I could help him move a couch. I agreed and all was well until on the way home we passed by some local hot spots were lots of people my age were out looking for fun. The girls were all so pretty and sexy and every kind of beautiful woman you can imagine. It broke my heart. My whole life, ive never been comfortable in my own skin, thus turning out a fairly anti social person. I would love to go and feel comfortable and laugh and smile, but I cant. I envy regular people so much right now.
My ex has been very supportive of me, she is the only one who really knows about me, so she is kind of my confidant, and I couldn't even get a hold of her on the phone,because she is probably out having fun like a normal person does on Friday night. I keep bouncing back and forth between and it is becoming hard to hide my inner turmoil.
I don't even know what this thread is about, it says the future is scary and it is. I have a 4 year old boy and I take care of him alone. He has it hard enough as it is without his mom around, let alone seeing me do this sometimes. And deep down I know I want to be a woman, but how can I do that to my son? Yet when I push "her" down I am a worthless human being. I'm not gonna lie, suicide seems like an easy way out sometimes. But I wont leave my son alone, never, not even if it means i'm miserable forever. What a sick joke.

About the only comfort I can give you here is that you are far from alone. I myself have these feelings, sometimes it grabs you so hard it's almost a physical pain. Hang in there!

[MJ]

suicide seems like an easy way out sometimes. But I wont leave my son alone, never, not even if it means i'm miserable forever.

SUICIDE is never an easy way out don't think like that ...you are an amazing wonderful person never forget that... your son is young enough to understand who you are . you should tell him and show him by your dressing in front of him you are doing nothing wrong..

Amanda you can't do this to yourself don't torture yourself all you are doing is adding more pain and hurt and unnecessary stress in to your life ..
it's your fear of the unknown how your friends , family will react to Amanda

all was well until on the way home we passed by some local hot spots were lots of people my age were out looking for fun. The girls were all so pretty and sexy and every kind of beautiful woman you can imagine. It broke my heart. My whole life, Ive never been comfortable in my own skin, thus turning out a fairly anti social person. I would love to go and feel comfortable and laugh and smile, but I cant.

and i bet every woman you see you want to be her right !!..I was just like you but until it started hurting real bad i did nothing only dig a deeper hole to get out of . from my point of view transition was the best thing i ever did ..
Amanda suicide is never an option if you want someone to talk too please send me a PM hugs

[Emily Ann Brown]

I sent you a private message hun. Let's chat sometime.

Emily Ann

[Julogden]

Hi Amanda,

I'd say that you probably should track down some sort of counselor who has experience dealing with gender issues. From what you're saying, it sounds to me like you're dealing with gender identity stuff rather than crossdressing for pleasure.

I've been there, but I took the route of gutting it out on my own, and looking back at my life, realize that I should have done what I'm telling you to do. Don't make the same mistake that I made, it's a difficult row to hoe.

Good luck,
Carol

[docrobbysherry]

I have been real excited about being Amanda since Halloween, and since then, my thoughts have been positive. Ive seriously started looking at going to counseling, and have been wanting to finally let my mom know who I am.
The problem started tonight when my younger brother called me to ask if I could help him move a couch. I agreed and all was well until on the way home we passed by some local hot spots were lots of people my age were out looking for fun. The girls were all so pretty and sexy and every kind of beautiful woman you can imagine. It broke my heart. My whole life, ive never been comfortable in my own skin, thus turning out a fairly anti social person. I would love to go and feel comfortable and laugh and smile, but I cant. I envy regular people so much right now.
My ex has been very supportive of me, she is the only one who really knows about me, so she is kind of my confidant, and I couldn't even get a hold of her on the phone,because she is probably out having fun like a normal person does on Friday night. I keep bouncing back and forth between and it is becoming hard to hide my inner turmoil.
I don't even know what this thread is about, it says the future is scary and it is. I have a 4 year old boy and I take care of him alone. He has it hard enough as it is without his mom around, let alone seeing me do this sometimes. And deep down I know I want to be a woman, but how can I do that to my son? Yet when I push "her" down I am a worthless human being. I'm not gonna lie, suicide seems like an easy way out sometimes. But I wont leave my son alone, never, not even if it means i'm miserable forever. What a sick joke.

Please do not think we r all the same here on this site. We aren't! We r just as diverse a group of individuals as u will find anywhere else. About the only thing we have in common is, issues with our gender! That being said, I'm certain someone here will disagree with me on that point!
The point is, we r, u r, all a bit different in one way or another. We r all suffering thru the HUMAN CONDITION, for what ever time each of us has here on earth. U have MOST of your life left to live, please make the best of it!
Rather than looking at the DIFFERENCES u have from everyone else, please look at WHAT WE ALL HAVE IN COMMON! I think if u concentrate on that instead, u will feel better in no time at all!
One thing folks have plenty of on this site is; compassion! We want the best for u and want to help in any way we can! Please keep in touch and let us know how u r doing!
RS

www.myspace.com/robertsherry

[trannie T]

Your son really needs you. He needs you no matter what your gender may be. Please get some counseling.

[windycissy]

Some tough love: You've made some choices, and one of them was really good: to bring a child into this world. Right now your number one priority has to be your son, not yourself. Don't wish your life away: it may be hard to imagine, but this phase will pass by all too quickly...plenty of time later for you to explore your feminine side, only then you won't be competing with those hot chicks, you'll be rediscovering life as a mature, confident woman.

[Joni T]

I once contemplated suicide years ago over something I don't even remember now. What stopped me? My father. He said,"Suicide is the chicken's way out ! ! ! " Got me to thinkin'. I'm not a chicken and neither are you. Hang in there. It WILL get better.
Luv Ya
Joni

[Dana]

Me? I am retired "Force Recon" Marine

Two tours as a Marine Drill Instructor at Parris Island, S.C.

I also? Am a crossdresser!

20 years in the Corps!

[Dana]

About the only comfort I can give you here is that you are far from alone. I myself have these feelings, sometimes it grabs you so hard it's almost a physical pain. Hang in there!

I know! Walking through J.C Pennys and seeing all those "girlie" things!?

[Deborah Jane]

Listen to what everyone says Amanda..We,re all here for you and suicide isn,t an option, go and find a counseller, they do help and it,s good to get your thoughts out in the open and talk them through!! Stick in there hun your son needs you

[kittypw GG]

Your son really needs you. He needs you no matter what your gender may be. Please get some counseling.

This is absolutly right. Get some counseling, involve your mother and your child. Children are more accepting than you think. Being a parent is about doing what is right not necessarily what is easy. Suicide is never the answer. It will destroy your child and your family. Trust me they would rather have you in their life than not.

With the right help you can have that happy feeling that is so illusive to you now. Make a commitment to do what it takes to have the life you want.
Make that appointment today. Kitty