For lack of better word, scared...

[Inachis]

Lately, I have been thinking about how far I wish to take the whole dressing thing. A part of me wishes to come pirouetting out of the closet, and the other wishes me to cower in the corner. The part that cowers is using the crutches of non-acceptance, hatred, and self-preservation. Which only create fear, and a lack self-esteem. I am not the type of person that typically intimidates with ease, but his one has me stumped.

The part that wishes to pirouette, wants to come out and play. It is starting to eat at me, and I feel it is coming. In fact the very screen name I chose is indicative of the wish to "butterfly". (Inachis is a type of butterfly) I think that I wish to do more, but simply lack the courage to start. In this since I am a coward.

My spouse accepts the dressing, but does not understand. However, that is another thread. I would love to hear anything useful on this matter. I have 13 billion questions in my head, and not one answer.

[Sam44]

Start small, see how you feel.

For me taking walks early in the morning was great.

Now I'm comfortable walking on walking trails, pumping gas, visiting Starbucks, etc. But I'm not ready for, say, the mall.

[femw/i]

I'm sorry that I can not be helpful to you. I feel the same way. I think it makes it a little easier when you have a partner that understands.

[Diane CHILDS]

I'm sure you will find a level of support and aceptence within the gay community, or to be more precise the LGBT community.


I'm not very familiar with Oklahoma, but a quick check on google tells me .....

Tulsa, Oklahoma (OK) is an open-minded city and is generally gay-friendly with a gay community and LGBT venues, which include gay and lesbian bars, clubs, restaurants and gay-friendly hotels and lodging. Gay-friendly hotels in Tulsa are usually excellent value for money. It is advisable to book hotel accommodation in advance when staying in Tulsa, especially during Tulsa's Pride Festival in June.


http://www.tulsa.world-guides.com/tulsa_gay.html


Yep ..... All this despite a Republican member of the Oklahoma Legislature telling a political group last week that ..... "the homosexual agenda is just destroying this nation" and poses a bigger threat to the U.S. than terrorism or Islam.


You sometimes have to ignore the bigots and get on with your life, you only have one shot at it.


I'm sure Tulsa is a big enough city to take some trips out and explore your feelings without fully coming out of the closet to everyone who knows you.


Best wishes Di

[Kathy4ever]

I'm feeling the same. However my wife does not approve at all. For now I have to find small periods to dress. When i'm done I feel depressed since I can not continue and share my real self with her.

[docrobbysherry]

I could have written your post! I've struggled with thots of why I dress, coming out, and going out dressed.

Except I don't have an SO to share my concerns with. You're lucky, u know!

[mykhelee]

I feel for you, I drive a truck and when on the road, don't shave at all etc.
I only go out once or twice a year. I always go out with gg's that are accepting of my appearence. We either go to house parties or gay bars.
I wish you all the best.

[Susan Loves Life]

My first time out in public just so happened to occur at the same time that I told my SO that I was transgender. It was in my therapy session. After the session my wife wanted to go to Wal-Mart but she insisted that I dress as Susan first. It was very scary, but with her support and guidance I did it. Since that day, I have now been living as Susan 24/7 for over a year.

One of my favorite lines comes from the movie "Dune" - "Fear is the little mind-killer, put away your fears and live."

Hope this helps - PM me if you want to talk.

[Jessicaparkson]

I'm in something of the same situation. All my friends and most of my family are/would be completely non accepting and I don't have an SO anymore that I can talk with. I still haven't gone out with someone yet and have only made it to an exchange by myself. Part of me wants to just say "screw them" and live like I am but the other side is telling me to stay quiet.

[kassandra richard]

Count me in as one who has tons of questions as to why...and no answers. Add to that a spouse who is adamant that I stop (hence my hiatus) and being a conservative Christian. In all, an explosive mix. I don't want to go fulltime, or even part time for that matter. Occasional outbursts are fine, but in deference to my family, only on my (very) few business trips.

That said, let me tell you that once you're out and about it's more addictive than coffee (my vice of choice When I was going out, it was a ball.

Kassandra

[Jess_cd32]

.....................Yep ..... All this despite a Republican member of the Oklahoma Legislature telling a political group last week that ..... "the homosexual agenda is just destroying this nation" and poses a bigger threat to the U.S. than terrorism or Islam.

WTH is with these people anymore, and I'm straight. Give it time and he'll (that Republican) will be busted on some kind of obcenity charge etc..., what hypocrites most have been shown to be that grandstand on issues like that.

Good ol Larry Flint from Hustler mag. is great at exposing these hypocritical jerks that pick on a select group. In the past here, whoever was running for DA would bust adult bookstores for selling obcene material to further their career's, its BS.

As for the OP, just take things slow and as you feel more comfortable venture out to the degree you want. CDing carries alot of baggage sometimes and just deal w/ each issue one on one.

[2b.Lauren]

You know for a long time I did not really even have this going on at all. I occasionally dressed and did so with ease and comfort at home. Now as I seem to also be in more of a transformation state, I feel the desire to dress more often and also to dress in more than intimate appearl under my drab. I have fantasies about going out but have not been able to get there yet. I have not revisited this with my SO in a long time. I am also not sure that I will get support and since our relationship is very rocky now I am not willing to actually take that risk. There are places that I could go to close by and really am about at the point to check them out. I too find myself scared.

[Inachis]

I'm sure you will find a level of support and aceptence within the gay community, or to be more precise the LGBT community.


I'm not very familiar with Oklahoma, but a quick check on google tells me .....

Tulsa, Oklahoma (OK) is an open-minded city and is generally gay-friendly with a gay community and LGBT venues, which include gay and lesbian bars, clubs, restaurants and gay-friendly hotels and lodging. Gay-friendly hotels in Tulsa are usually excellent value for money. It is advisable to book hotel accommodation in advance when staying in Tulsa, especially during Tulsa's Pride Festival in June.


http://www.tulsa.world-guides.com/tulsa_gay.html


Yep ..... All this despite a Republican member of the Oklahoma Legislature telling a political group last week that ..... "the homosexual agenda is just destroying this nation" and poses a bigger threat to the U.S. than terrorism or Islam.


You sometimes have to ignore the bigots and get on with your life, you only have one shot at it.


I'm sure Tulsa is a big enough city to take some trips out and explore your feelings without fully coming out of the closet to everyone who knows you.


Best wishes Di

You're synopses of Tulsa is quite correct Diane. It is a very open city with a very diverse cultural dynamic. The Baptist that control the state legislature, however, would lead one to think different. I think most of the people I would run into while out would generally understand. It's not that I fear physical harm to myself. As a large male I can take care of most of those who wish to do me harm. I do fear running into work associates, and being outed at work. As I have a young family, and cannot risk any financial loss. I am sure that I can make an outting without ending my career, but I fear not.

I have shared my secret with a select few. Most have been GG's, and all thought of it as a fun idea. The GM's that I have told were either gay or bi-sexual, and they told me I need to be myself. My wife accepts me as a CD, and even wants me to dress for Halloween. She has told me that she doesn't care either way. She thinks that I need to do what I think is best. She also said if I want to dress FT, then she will find a new father for the kids. As she wishes to have a male help raise the kids. If she wanted another girl, then she would have chosen another girl. She says that she will always love, and support me otherwise. I hate mixed signals.

[sterling12]

It seems to be that almost all Transpeople have a huge problem with these first tentative steps. Then, the lament is universally; "Oh Gawd, why didn't I do this years ago!"

I know there must be a Social/Support Group in your area, it's a great place to start. I would start exploring my possibilities.

As you have told us, you are longing to be a butterfly. You have probably gone through the caterpillar and cocoon stages. It's now time to "emerge." It would be a natural progression, and then you really can be that butterfly you so long to be.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Kate Simmons]

Being true to yourself is the main thing Hon. You have to listen to your heart and decide what that is for you.

[Karren H]

We have all gone through that to one degree or another.. I'm no different.. And there were always way more questions than answers.. And there always will be.. so trying to seek out the answers to unanswerable questions really adds no value to your life and is a waste of valuable time, in my humble opinion. Even if you knew why.. It wouldn't change the fact or your life going forward?
So.... I accepted that I love doing what I love doing and that there's nothing wrong with that.. Once I did that then crossdressing became fun!! Now its just a scheduling thing trying to figure out how to fit it in with my already too busy life....

May not be the approach suitable for everyone... But it sure worked well for me!!

[Nicole Erin]

Your femme side will demand to come out and play.
Just keep in mind that on your first outing you will be nervous but that kind of goes away mostly.

[Maria2004]

My spouse accepts the dressing, but does not understand.

I'd like to address this part first. I've found that "acceptance" and "tolerance" are two very different levels, the first is unconditional, the latter is not.

If she wanted another girl, then she would have chosen another girl. She says that she will always love, and support me otherwise. I hate mixed signals.

The level of support and love can vary, to the point that it can be misconstrued as "acceptance". You have children so you have responsibility's beyond your own personal needs IMO. Sounds like you have a wife who loves and respects you very much, and she's thinking about the children too.

[Inachis]

The level of support and love can vary, to the point that it can be misconstrued as "acceptance". You have children so you have responsibility's beyond your own personal needs IMO. Sounds like you have a wife who loves and respects you very much, and she's thinking about the children too.

This is exactly where she is coming from, she does love and respect me very much. We never thought for a second that my CD'ing should ever get in the way of raising our children. She has told me before that "it is completely okay" for me to dress. She does wish that I would get over my issues, but does not feel disgusted, put upon, or jealous about any of it.

[Maria2004]

She does wish that I would get over my issues, but does not feel disgusted, put upon, or jealous about any of it.

Same for me, as much as my wife supports me, if Maria disappeared today, she would celebrate. All of my kids are adults now and they all know about me, but I've been helping take care of my grandchildren and they don't need to know.

In my world, I'm out and open with family and friends, I only stay hidden to those in my wife's world, her job, her friends and associates. As many have already said, we know how you feel, "been there", and depending on our individual circumstances we worked out ways to leave the closet without burning down the world around us. And you can too

[melissacd]

I have found that...to coin a phrase...feeling your fears and doing it anyway...is the best approach. Before coming out I had a billion questions and fears. Once I started getting out into public, learning all that I could about how to dress properly, meeting others within the community for moral support I started to see that this part of me was okay and integral to my being. I achieved personal acceptance and once I achieved that then the rest was easy. I now go out in public in femme mode anywhere I would go in male mode - groceries, mall, drug store, restaurants, hair dressers, clothes shopping....etc

I find that all of my fears were unfounded, I do not have any illusion that I pass and yet I find that if I do my best to blend and put on a confident and friendly presentation that the world accepts me. I feel comfortable in public and what more could you ask for. To me this is not about passing but about being comfortable in public and the only way that you will get there is by getting out there, doing it and seeing that it isn't so bad at all.

Huggs
Melissa

[Carly D.]

I know how you feel.. I've been standing at this very same crossroads for the better part of my entire cd experience.. this goes back to grade school even.. though I think being in the closet has the advantage of still being hidden.. I'm not sure I would feel the same about cross dressing if I were "out".. I think about that idea very long and hard about what it would in fact be like to be out, and forever from that day be out and can't erase or rewind the clock.. there's a feeling that it would be a relief.. but there's the overwhelming feeling that it would be a mistake..