I think I know what I need, but my problem is, I don't know where to find it, or what to do about it.
I know I'm a heterosexual, so I know I want to be with a woman in an emotional and sexual relationship. My last relationship with a girl fell apart at its seams due to many things, but one of the things that stood out in my mind, was that I couldn't share my crossdressing with her. I had told her that I had crossdressing tendencies, and we had discussed it several times. Her attitude was that, it is indeed a horrible thing to have, but she still loved me, because I loved her, and it was out of my control. I know that this is more to expect from most girls. But I know what I needed. I needed her to completely accept me. I need to have someone who I can share that part of my life with and not feel guilty, because I have been beating myself up for too long, and my ego needs it. Maybe I'm just looking too hard for perfection, and I can't accept a relationship that's imperfect, but I don't know. I have gotten close, but I never had asked my girlfriend straight out if she would share that experience with me, because I knew she wouldn't accept it. Also, on top of that, I was afraid that if I pushed to hard, she would get upset and tell all of my friends, so that added tensions about me talking about it. Even though I knew I could trust her, I still had that fear.
I know what I need, I need a girlfriend that will not only tolerate crossdressing, but accept it fully, and talk about it with me. I will not accept anything less. I just can't. So what do I do? How do I find a girl like that? And if I do find another girl that clicks with me, how do I tell her that that's what I want to do? And what if she gets upset, dumps me, and tells all of my friends? This thought holds me back from pursuing any relationship.
I'm not going to lie, I'm really lonely. I miss having someone to be intimate with. Ever since I dumped my girlfriend I have been terribly lonely, and I can't see any easy answer. I feel almost like my crossdressing tendency is holding me back from finding love, because I know that it is a dealbreaker to most girls, so I don't even bother. How can I get over that? What do I do? Am I just destined to be alone? Is that my fate?
Sorry if this post was a bit scatter-brained, it's hard putting these thoughts together very coherently. I just had to get this off my chest... Any comments would be appreciated.