For Those Contemplating Full Time Femme

[melissacd]

Much in the way that I felt at one time I was the only cross dresser in the world sometimes I feel that I am the only one in the world that feels the way that I do now.

I have come to the conclusion that I am more than a cross dresser and less than a transexual. It seems to me, for the most part, that transgender individuals fall into the following camps:

- they dress as a sexual fetish, usually lingerie, hosiery, things of that nature
- they dress for periodic outings with other cross dressing friends to dinners and clubs and the odd shopping run
- they dress completely or almost completely within the confines of their home with or without the knowledge or support of their girlfriend or wife
- they realize that they are not cross dressers and transition to become women, taking hormones, coming out to the world, having SRS and eventually becoming as close as current day science can get to a full time functional woman

I seem to have found myself in a category that so far has a very small population and I am trying to find others who feel and want to live as I do.

Through my journey I have reached a point where I can see that I have no real issue with my male biology, I have no urgent requirement to change through surgery. So I guess what I am saying is that I do not feel like I am in the wrong body. On the other hand I am no longer able to feel comfortable dressing and playing the male role. I do not find that I can return to my male life without a great sense of discomfort. It is at those moments that I realize that I am not in the wrong body, I am in the wrong gender.

To clarify, as I am still trying to understand this myself. I have found through the past year plus now that I have been out on my own and able, within my private life, to dress as much as I like in femme mode that it is becoming very natural for me to be that way. When I have to change into a male representation such as when I visit my kids, my mother or at times when with my now ex-girlfriend, I felt like I was in the wrong clothes.

This need to dress female more and more is not a pink fog, because I have had a chance to do this for such a long time freely and I never feel the need to dress male. What I am finding is that this outward expression of being female resonates with my soul.

Now I have been thinking about taking the next step and going 100% femme in my life (with kids, family and work). One big obstacle that was stopping me was my ex-girlfriend. While she had become quite accepting and tolerant of my dressing in private and the odd public outing together, she was not able to accept me being that way 100% of the time. This created a dilema for both of us because I had an innate need to be me and she did not want to compromise me being me. It was noble of her to step back and give me room to think about this and sometimes I feel that it is selfish that I am considering this and yet I know how unhappy I was in my last long term relationship where I had to compromise who I was and I did not want to repeat history.

It is a tough road we travel.

Anyway, to the point of the matter. I am very curious and I have asked in a variety of ways before without totally connecting with the answer that I seek, are there others out there that are contemplating going 100% full time dressing as a female or who are living that way now who are NOT planning on SRS or taking hormones or having any major surgical procedures. I am trying to see if there is a community of others out there like me who are happy with their male form and fully express as a female.

I am trying to see, based on my failed attempts at relationships where I have tried to gravitate towards my femme self, if I am travelling a road with others who can help provide me with some insights into the challenges that they face(d). I do not know if what I seek is an impossibility in a world that seems to define gender in such a binary way. I am pretty confident that I will continue down this road as it seems that I am compelled to do so, I am just curious to learn from others and in the end I may find that surgery and hormones may be the only path that leads me to a place where I can feel normal and happy.

Huggs
Melissa

[KateC]

Very interesting. I've been actually thinking that all people who are CD'ers are some of degree transsexual. I know for most people, labels are what we like to define, it helps the human mind understand and organize things neatly.

Honestly though, labels are just labels, if you list out all the different spectrum in TG, you can probably compile about over 700,000 different labels. Everyone is different, and although some people may have similar things, it's really customize for each person.

So call it what it may be, you are you, you want to be en-femme 100% but no SRS or hormones, that's you then. Don't try to label it, because there could be another person with almost 99% things like you but instead they want to be a male at work.

I'm guilty for using the label thing too, I guess it gives us a feeling of belonging and security, but really it's all false. I just know myself at this moment in time, I love and enjoy being Kate. I don't feel a need to go further by doing surguries of any kind of hormones. I wouldn't go to work or to most friends as Kate but would like to be Kate around my S/O and do certain things as Kate. I still am fine with being boy-mode and do certain things as well. However, this could change, it's a life journey right? But how can you label this, you can call me CD but I might be more, or call me TS but I don't want to SRS. So it's hard? Just forget labels and say this is how I am...

[boardpuppy]

Hi Melissa,
The gender spectrum is very wide, there is always a place in it for you. Kate is right, the mind wants to lable and put things in nice little slots. That doesn't have to be the case, if you are happy so be it. You are, who you say you are. On this road we travel, there may not be anyone else in the same lane, they may all be behind you, just starting their journey or have moved on. Use the varied experiences of others, evaluate them as to how they affect you and prepare if it should happen to you. Above all, be happy and enjoy yourself.

Hugs,
Alice

PS I never indented to imply you shouldn't ask, you never know you may be helping someone else.

[Jacquilynne]

Melissa,

you are not alone. I feel much the same way you described in your post. There is one difference and that is my SO couldn't handle mt femme self either -- she tolerated it for 3 months and then she left me. We had been married for 12 years I feel so guilty at times. There were other problems in our relationship but this was the last straw.

I still struggle with the idea of going full time as I am almost there and feel very comfortable as Jacie. . . . so this is to say I understand totally.

[Melanie R]

My wife and I have had many discussions recently about Mel coming out of retirement to work as Melanie. Some of this discussion was prompted by our week spent re-organizing our closets that contain hundreds of feminine outfits. Melanie has few boundaries over when and how she dresses and where she goes. The exception to that is some visits with family and some church activities. With all the beautiful, professional looking dresses, skirts, pant suits, etc. that Melanie can wear, there are not enough opportunities to wear what is in the closets.

Melanie on one Halloween day spent the entire day dressed as the professional executive and loved every minute. In fact my secretary told me that I should be in the female role every day since I made a better boss enfemme. She did not know about my feminine persona away from the office. I have always wanted Melanie to be the executive woman. My only problem with being Melanie 24/7 and returning to a position in the workplace enfemme is I do not miss the commutes, early hours and the hassle of being in an excutive position although other than one day I have never faced those challenges and opportunities enfemme. I may talk to some of my GLBT friends who may consider hiring Melanie and get their ideas.

I appreciate any of your ideas and suggestions.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Just enjoy who and what you are and what you are comfortable living with

JoAnne Wheeler

[JeanneF]

Very interesting. I've been actually thinking that all people who are CD'ers are some of degree transsexual. I know for most people, labels are what we like to define, it helps the human mind understand and organize things neatly.

Honestly though, labels are just labels, if you list out all the different spectrum in TG, you can probably compile about over 700,000 different labels. Everyone is different, and although some people may have similar things, it's really customize for each person.

So call it what it may be, you are you, you want to be en-femme 100% but no SRS or hormones, that's you then. Don't try to label it, because there could be another person with almost 99% things like you but instead they want to be a male at work.

I'm guilty for using the label thing too, I guess it gives us a feeling of belonging and security, but really it's all false. I just know myself at this moment in time, I love and enjoy being Kate. I don't feel a need to go further by doing surguries of any kind of hormones. I wouldn't go to work or to most friends as Kate but would like to be Kate around my S/O and do certain things as Kate. I still am fine with being boy-mode and do certain things as well. However, this could change, it's a life journey right? But how can you label this, you can call me CD but I might be more, or call me TS but I don't want to SRS. So it's hard? Just forget labels and say this is how I am...

I think there is a lot to this concept.

If you look at just the members on this board, how many of us discuss wanting to be femme all the time, but don't consider ourselves transsexual?

I think a better definition may be "borderline transsexual, but not willing to go through the hassle/drama/potential nightmare of switching".

I mean, if I could be a girl 100% of the time, without all the baggage associated with transitioning, would I? Yeah, probably. But I don't want to deal with the ramifications of becoming female, and I don't feel the all-encompassing desire. I personally think that puts me in a gray area somewhere between CD and TS.

On the same coin, if someone likes to wear nylons while having sex, but doesn't have any desire to express himself as a woman, is he still a crossdresser or just a fetishist?

Labels suck. I think as humans we have a need to explain who/what we are to others, but I'm willing to bet that most of us that go out on a regular basis, presenting and attempting to pass as women, do have at least some sort of TS leaning.

[CharleneT]

Melissa - you are not alone (another vote for it that is). You post is beautifully written by the way ! Thank you for the heartfelt and intriguing thread.

I agree with your ideas and I, am in the same boat. My view is that there is a continuum of what is TG and all of us are somewhere along it. Some folks stay put, some move around on it. To often I find myself saying " .... if someone told me last year that I would {fill in blank} I would have told then you are crazy...." Where or when will I come to a stopping point ? Wish I had a crystal ball for that one ! The most important thing is being honest with yourself and your loved ones about where you are, and where you *think* you are headed. There is a label that fits by the way; no-op TS.

[SherylynJade]

I would have to put myself in that category, too. I'm still working on getting more comfortable with me, and it's getting easier (though not easy). I'm still hoping soon to start putting in applications for work at places as Salenna. So that will be a big step for me.

[melissacd]

I want to thank all of those who have taken the time to add their thoughts so far. I appreciate any insights that will help me to work through this latest stage in a very challenging journey.

[Kate Simmons]

The symbol at the top of the page of CD.com is no accident Melissa. It is actually the symbolic representation of the yin/yang energies in a perfectly balanced embryo mode. The actual goal of balance is to be able to use these energies freely. Our comfort level is dictated by how much of these energies we allow ourselves to process. Initially the energies are felt as endorphins. The farther we go, however, the more they become kundalini energy and we realize that less is really more. Strange, I'll agree but true nonetheless. If we go far enough we realize, it really does not matter how we choose to present as it's all "us", our essense. I saw that when you were here last year my friend. You just have to decide now how you want to proceed and what will make you happy.

[marla01]

Melissa,

From my own experience, I would say there are more m2f T's that live full time who are not transseuxal (i.e. perfectly happy with their naughty bits) than those who are. So you certainly are not alone.

I'd also suggest that you missed a majority of T's with the groups you suggested.

Marla

[DeeInGeorgia]

To paraphrase, Some of my body is female, but not the ones determining sex, and some of my brain is female. I am best described as transgender. After starting out as a crossdresser, I now find it more difficult to dress as a man. Yet since I am not TS bound, I cannot justify a transition at work. Instead, I go to work every day appearing as a man with breasts and wearing androgenous clothing, mostly feminine with male shirts. I have been letting my hair grow out for 5 months, but it still has a long way to go. But a couple of days ago, a company locksmith identified me with a feminine pronoun, and the exedcutive assistant kept trying to correct him saying multiple times "He, not She!"

So, you are not alone.

Deanna

[kathrynjanos]

Posting from my phone, excuse brevity.

So I totally see where you're coming from here. I feel though that in some ways, I am in the exact opposite situation. I am still very male in my interests, but less happy with my body. I am comfortable with the concept of expressing fulltime once I am ready, but I want more than clothes. I want to look in the mirror and see the woman, not just feel her.

That said, I fix cars, computers, play xbox... things that women do sometimes, but generally relegated to the domain of men. But I still stare at and talk about women, go drinking with the guys, etc, and have no desire to change what of that which I won't be otherwise obligated to change.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that I know what you mean about being stuck between.

[linnea]

You are definitely not alone.

[Diane Elizabeth]

I am not alone- I keep telling myself and this forum reinforces it to me. I am one that would say I am simular to what you described. I am way behind in my journey. I do not plan to have SRS, however, I am curious as to what it would be like to be rid of my apperture. I rarely dress fully in actuallity. But in my mind I am dressed. I would love for a chance to go full out living.

[Ashlie Marie]

Girl I am so the same way, but for me my "maleness" is my bond to my wife and my daughter to be. my counsiler and other here have thrown out the term non-op TS, or Transgenderist. Someone here and I am sorry I don't remember who brought it up. But I asked this question a while back and out of all the answers and comments one keeps coming back to me. someone said Look at all my profiles and myspace page. if I made the gender female on any of them, then i know my true self and I would be TS, if I called myself male the transgendered or crossdresser is what I am. But like everyone else has already told you.. Labels are dumb you are you, thats it. and 5 years from now when we are standing in the mirror with breasts and a penis. oh well it is what we have chosen. ok so maybe that was too much lol. I think it is time this girl goes to bed..

Hugs,
Ashlie

[wendiwoman]

Melissa,

Except for a few minor details, your original post could have been all about me. For the last three years, I have been living almost full time except when I have to present as male for family functions, or for some occassional reasons relating to business. When I first moved to San Francisco, I had no idea what I was going to do. I brought male clothes and female clothes. But from that first day, there has never been a morning when I considered putting on the boy stuff. Yet, I have no desire for surgery. And I am conflicted about hormones because I like being "functional." I can still do the "boy" thing, but it always leaves me very emotionally agitated. And I have no idea how I pass considering my waxed brows, long hair, and long manicured nails.

I had dinner tonight with a transgender friend, and we were discussing this very concept. I think the term "non-op" could apply to us.

Too bad we are on opposite coasts. I think we would enjoy getting together for further discussion.

Wendi

PS - Years ago I had a business trip to Kitchener (as a boy). Very lovely place.

[kellycan27]

Although you now have the chance to freely express yourself more, you still find that there are those occassions where you have to revert back kids,mom,etc. You are out to a certian extent, but not completely. Sounds like you are able to accept the fact and still be comfortable with that side, because you have made that choice. Kind of things are the way that they are, and I can live with that. You seem to have a real desire to be female, and you say that you are most comfortable in that role.
maybe those "big obsatcles" are keeping you from realizing that dream. Sort of a rationalization... There are a lot of non-op transexual people out there living thier life,as somone mentioned,possibly more than the actual number of Ts people that have had SRS. Suppose you no longer had this baggage, might you have a totally different take on transitioning? Just some food for thought.

[Carin]

Welcome to the club Melissa. Been there, done that, still there. More than CD but not TS and TG is too broad of a descriptor. I identified with most of your post. I dress femme every day. I do not claim to be in the wrong body, the one I have is fine.

The challenge is one of gender identity. Common language usage fares badly in separating gender from sex, let alone understanding mixed gender or blended gender. That is just way out there in terms of common understanding. Transgender is as close as we get in terms of label, but that is still rationalized in binary terms in common usage and indeed in clinical usage. I really wish there was a descriptive term for a mixed or blended gender as a stable state, I'm tired of trying to explain it. Even the Wiki transgender page uses a descriptive phrase "people who live cross-gender" in the absence of a label.

So yes, we are both in the same boat, and we are not alone. Now, If you take one oar, and I take another oar, and we both row with more or less an ever stroke we can make progress up the river, unless of coarse we are both rowing on the same side of the boat, in which case we are going to go round in circles.

[JoannaCaroline]

I moved to NYC in 2001 to live full time for the first time. It was a wonderful experience but I quickly figured out 2 things.

1. NYC us fun but I can't stand living there full time. I used to hate it taking two hours just to get outside of the city to escape to the mountains

2. I'm not Transexual. I'm not going to have SRS. I don't want to live as only one gender. I'm going to switch back and forth and live full time in both when I want to.

Now this is just me, but I like being a very butch boi sometimes. I moved back to the mountains that winter as a boi. Since then a lot has happened. I've moved through 4 countries and many more cities and in some of those cases I was too busy to think, but I've hauled two wardrobes all over the world and my wife is constantly pestering (term used loosely) me for more time with her wife.

I will continue to switch back and forth. I will probably have some surgery to include some FFS, possibly breast implants, but as of right now, I'm not going to commit to either gender I'm just lucky that I have the freedom to do this and a partner who loves all of it.

So that being said, Choose your title if you must. I've settled on Bi-Gendered or Transgendered. Bi, because I switch and I like both. Transgender is a blanket term that covers a wide spectrum. But if you can live life the way you want to live it.

If you're not having fun, you are either doing it wrong, or doing the wrong thing!

[melissacd]

Wow,

I have to say that the responses to his thread are amazing. I always felt so alone in this way that I am, want to be. I have had so many within the community tell me that eventually I would have SRS, that it was inevitable. I always felt that having SRS would be as wrong as not cross dressing at all. It never seemed to me like there was some sort of biological error to correct, it was just that for the most part I identified more with things that were feminine. I was getting the feeling that perhaps it was a pipe dream to think that you could be comfortable as a male physiologically and yet always present as a female. Somehow I felt that all of these people who were talking to me could see or knew something that I had not yet discovered and that perhaps I was missing something in my thought process.

I am so glad that I asked this question here, because I am beginning to see that I am not alone in how I feel. That is very comforting nd helps me a great deal in validating my feelings, in the same way that finding out that other men cross dressed validated other feelings for me at an earlier point in my life.

Thank you all so much for your responses.

Huggs
Melissa

[kimmy p]

I'm a CD. I wear panties every day, stay shaved from the chin down (with one notable exception). wear bras a couple time a week, women's jeans and/or tops nearly everyday. But RARELY do I wear a dress or make up and try to pass. I do have more ladies shoes than men's. But most of them are androgynous in style and wore out without being noticed. I just like wearing what I like wearing. I guess that I'm confusing, even to me. I will admit to being envious of many of you girls though. I wish that I was half as pretty and brave. For now though I think that I'll remain the stealth crossdresser.

[Sheila]

Melissa, I have watched your journey since I joined the forum nearly 3 years ago now, and have seen the struggles & the heartache your choices have caused you, now you seem to be trying to define where you are at now ........... I would describe where you are and what you plans are as being TS (yesTS), but non hormonal, non op TS ...... and yes there are several girls out there who are non op, non hormonal TS's.

luck is wished you on this next stage of your journey hun

[Kokoro]

I'll admit to having smilar feelings as you do Melissa, though i haven't got anywhere near as far along as you have in finding myself.

I can't say i'm over the moon with my male life at the moment and being a girl looks an awefull lot more appealing though at the same time i doubt i could ever have surgery or even hormones to alter my body. My body doesn't disgust me, its more of the lifestyle that i don't like (or more accuratly just living the lifestyle as apposed to enjoying it).