Why Do We Bother

[Pink Person]

I will address the offending issue first and close with a direct response to this thread.

I don’t believe that disclosure of gender variance rises to the level of a moral obligation but I think it is a good policy to do it in relationships that might be seriously harmed by nondisclosure. Everyone has sex, gender, and sexual preferences for themselves and for their intimate partners. If your potential partners prefer to have a relationship with a masculine heterosexual male and you know that you are not such a person in significant ways then perhaps it isn’t wise to keep this a secret from them. On the other hand, there is really no harm done when you don’t announce your raging queerness to strangers on the street. Most of them probably don’t want to marry or move in with you for other reasons. It’s not a bad policy to limit your disclosure with them. So voluntary honesty is the best policy in some cases but not in others. Regarding the issue of gender variance there are no higher imperatives to consider.

P.S. Yes GG support is important and appreciated. Thank you to all of the supportive GGs who are active on this site.

[cindym5_04]

This thread did make one question pop into my head, really it's a more food-for-thought thing.

How can we expect others (those around us) to understand us, when there are a lot of times that we don't understand ourselves?

I don't mean that as an overall group thing, I mean that more individually.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Cindy-

Absolutely right on, hon. One thing about being TG, at least I think so, is that it makes us think about ourselves and examine who we are a lot more than most people. Hmm, maybe that didn't sound exactly right. I know quite a few people who think of only themselves all the time.<lol> That wasn't what I meant.

Hugs...Joni Mari

How can we expect others (those around us) to understand us, when there are a lot of times that we don't understand ourselves?

[TGMarla]

How can we expect others (those around us) to understand us, when there are a lot of times that we don't understand ourselves?

I keep thinking the very same thing when it comes to trying to explain all this to my wife. How can I expect her to understand this when I really don't understand it myself? I just have a helpless compulsion to emulate and present myself as a woman, and it's been there all my life. It doesn't mean that I don't love her, or that I don't want to be her husband. I do. It's just that I also greatly enjoy being a woman as well. Go figure.

[Kathielynne]

My wife doesn't accept my crossdressing, period, but I do what I have to do to be the best I can be for her and my family. Now, let's talk about why I may be the way I am; neglect as a child, strong mother, abuse...yada, yada, yada. The other alternative is shucking the old mortal coil...and I will yield this mortal coil to no one. A big phhtttttt to those who judge and criticize without walking a mile in this human's heels!

Kathielynne

[sometimes_miss]

Disclaimer; this is just my opinion. But....in many relationships, there is going to be one person who's never satisfied with how much the other one is doing. While on this thread, it may be the CD'er who expects more and more of GG's, I once lived in a marriage where my wife was never satisfied with what I did. No matter how hard, or how long I worked, it was never enough; she always had a complaint about some chore that wasn't done yet, and wanted to know when I was going to get around to doing it. When talking to other guys, it seemed this was a pretty common experience, so I just 'lived' with it. Then when my wife found out about the crossdressing, well that was too much for her to deal with, along with my not living up to her standards, and it was over. In retrospect, it was blessing that it ended, or I'd have remained henpecked forever.

To the GG's here, who in any way tolerate or support us, thank you. To the CD'ers or TS who want more and more, try to get a little perspective, and be happy with whatever you can. Life isn't always easy for any of us.

[Nicole Erin]

I think it is good that we have a few GG's here who are regular posters, it is good to get their insight about things. I have went to a few of the GG's here and said "Hey with this aspect of femininity, what would be the best way to..." And the ones I have asked have always been helpful

There is though, one particular GG on this forum who is a total pain in the ass, always complaining about her ex husband or what a problem us TG are, and I think maybe some of the TG here have seen her posts and maybe she is just the bad apple?

But like I said, the times I have asked for GG help here, they are always willing to help me.

OTHER POINT - people seem offended by some of batty's threads, and I really don't understand something -
does anyone actually read those long-winded posts?

[Lilith Moon]

To the CD'ers or TS who want more and more, try to get a little perspective, and be happy with whatever you can. Life isn't always easy for any of us.

I suggest that you try replacing 'CD'ers or TS' in the above comment with other groups. Try 'black people' or 'women' for example. Doesn't seem so reasonable now, does it ?

does anyone actually read those long-winded posts?

Yes.

[Sheila]

you know sometimes the pressure of being a supportive GG is tremendous, & I do not think some of you realise just how hard it can be

From my original post, I think even I had forgotten just how pressurised being a partner to a TG can be, I have become so comfortable with Debs, as Debs, that on Thursday when Debs was going out with only me, from my home and for the full day, for 24/48 hours previously she was getting herself into such a stew, I was continually reassuring her a) that she would be just fine & B) that if she decided at the last moment that she didn't want to do it, then that was just fine.

We eventully got out the door about an hour later than planned, I was so concentrating on metaphorically (and physically) holding her hand that I forgot to pick up a jacket for myself (it was threatening rain)

She drove the whole way to where we planned to have a picnic, and while we were sat ther and I was taking pics I was reassuring her all the time she was doing good, I even asked her if we could ask a lady who was just about to pass us if I could ask her to take a pic of us both, she said yes and another postitive experiance ensued while the lady chatted to us and took our pic ............ all the time we are out and about I am on tenderhooks waiting for that look, waiting for "that comment" just waiting to defend and protect while not drawing attention to us.

She did consider seriously going into the large city near where we were and going shopping but could not in the end do it, we however did go eat later on in KFC with some friends and took some more pictures.

She was tired by the end of the day but elated with what she did achieve, which more than compensated for the worrying I did on her/our behalf.

My worry was never for me, but rather that she would get a negative response that would put her back several steps. I will do all that I can/need to do to encourage & support her in her choice of activities now and in the future, I will encourage and educate people where I can without causing her any undue stress or cause my friends and family any either ............ for me I don't give a monkeys who knows but she does for the moment and I will respect that

[BeckiB]

I am not really sure I can answer that but I do know I have a very supportive spouse. We support each other in everything we do, not just CDing. It is a commitment we made a long time ago. She new I had thoughts of cding before we were married many years ago but I never acted on them until a few years ago. We went and got makeovers done together and that was the first time I had dressed. We have gone to many events together and will go to many more. Together we have made many friends both in and out of this community. I guess we support each other because we care and want each other to be happy and feel loved.

Now I have seen others on here bash their SO's and I am not sure why but then again I don't live in with them. There are a lot of different types of people on here from all walks of life, with different thought, ideas and values. I think some come here for honest to goodness help to try and understand themselves or the SO. Others, this may be their only outlet, While others come to rant for a cause. Personally I am glad this site is here and I for the most part enjoy the people here. I am glad that there are many supportive GG's on this site and I am glad you care enough to post.

This is just my opinion and like ALL other opinions they are just that..an opinion not a fact.

[Mary Jane1]

A lot of interesting comments. I just want to say, for the record I make a point of watching for GG posts or comments and I appreciate them all, whether I agree or not.

I appreciate the understanding and support some give, and I appreciate the effort those who don't understand give. I am single /divorced (not cd related) but when I find the S.O. for me, I will use much of the info I've learned from the GG's on here to help me begin and develop that relationship.

I'm very grateful you're here. Thank you.

[Deidra Cowen]

I know you GGs get upset from time to time. But don't forget you honestly are superstars here at the forum. The great majority of CDs here want your approval and friendship for validation.

I see that out at the clubs here in Atlanta sometimes. A CD will bring her wife along. All the other CDs/Tgirls will swarm all over the GG wife having the time of their life chatting with a 'real' chick that is accepting.

A few threads or stray comments are sure to get your goat but are not representative of the majority. Frankly I feel for you girls and know that in most cases you thought you were with a macho hunky guy...only to find out later he was hiding that he is a CD from you. That has to be painful, but you are to be admired for adapting to the situation. But hey you have the right to try to set down some fair rules for how it is all going to go where both parties agree.

[battybattybats]

I suggest that you try replacing 'CD'ers or TS' in the above comment with other groups. Try 'black people' or 'women' for example. Doesn't seem so reasonable now, does it ?

This is a good point. Blacks, Aboriginals, Feminists and others often referred to it as 'settling for crumbs' where some would fawn over the slightest approval (especially from political figures who achieved little in practice) or where criticism of those giving any small amount of aproval or acceptance was condemned by others as ungrateful (often of said politicians).

Now I'm not suggesting thats what the GGs here are like, just sbout every one I've spoken to are truly fantastic people doing heaps and helping and accepting us far more than we are helping and accepting ourselves.

But quite a few people do seem to be suggesting they have a 'settling for crumbs' view, that we aren't worthy of or cannot get full and proper acceptance and just ought to be grateful for any crumb of toleration.

And that we consider the feellings of SOs as more important than the feellings of CDs when shouldn't they be equall important?

In cis-relationships thats dangerously low self-esteem. For TG people in general I doubt it's a good thing. Gays had the same problem bad a few decades ago, which is what the whole Gay-Pride thing was for, and it seems to work.

Yes.

Thanks

[Kristen Kelly]

I know you GGs get upset from time to time. But don't forget you honestly are superstars here at the forum. The great majority of CDs here want your approval and friendship for validation.

I see that out at the clubs here in Atlanta sometimes. A CD will bring her wife along. All the other CDs/Tgirls will swarm all over the GG wife having the time of their life chatting with a 'real' chick that is accepting.

A few threads or stray comments are sure to get your goat but are not representative of the majority. Frankly I feel for you girls and know that in most cases you thought you were with a macho hunky guy...only to find out later he was hiding that he is a CD from you. That has to be painful, but you are to be admired for adapting to the situation. But hey you have the right to try to set down some fair rules for how it is all going to go where both parties agree.

[SIZE="3"] I couldn't have said it any better. It takes a special person willing to overlook all the paint and polish and see that deep down we are more caring, a gentler individual than most men. We understand why you need 5 pair of black shoes, and why it takes so long to be ready, and never have anything to wear as you stand in front of a filled closet. I applaud all those women that not only accept us but also take an active roll in our lives. You can put a guy in a dress doesn’t make him a woman. Just as all in dresses don’t act lady like and that is where the comments come from that you object to. [/SIZE]

[Mary Jane1]

[FONT="Century Gothic"][SIZE="3"][COLOR="DarkRed"]I stopped posting on here because my words of encouragement were twisted into something of malice intent because someone else felt I wasn't supportive.

I stopped posting because it was assumed that my silence over certain situations was an admittance of some sort of guilt as oppose to respecting another's feelings.

I stopped posting because it often seems futile to shovel so much sh!t against the tide.

I'm posting here now to support my friends.

I'm posting now because, although I'm openly bisexual, it is MY right and MY right ONLY to tell anyone else. I do NOT ever hide my sexuality but it honestly isn't anyone else's business either.

I haven't been on here for awhile, but I always thought what you said was worth reading, and that you were very supportive. I'm sorry to hear some have been critical. I think most of us value the opinions of people who try to constuctively contribute.

As far as being silent to negative comments, I guess it might look like you're agreeing with them. I personally think that by responding to stupid or negative people, you only give credibility to their words. I ignore their comments & just keep taking the high road. Most of the people on here are pretty positive, I think.

[Sarah...]

There is though, one particular GG on this forum who is a total pain in the ass, always complaining about her ex husband or what a problem us TG are, and I think maybe some of the TG here have seen her posts and maybe she is just the bad apple?

Um, if she's a bad apple why is she here seeking support?

OTHER POINT - people seem offended by some of batty's threads, and I really don't understand something -
does anyone actually read those long-winded posts?

I do.

Sarah...

[Deedee Dupree]

There is though, one particular GG on this forum who is a total pain in the ass, always complaining about her ex husband or what a problem us TG are, and I think maybe some of the TG here have seen her posts and maybe she is just the bad apple?

Not a bad apple, she's a good egg.

Some folks are so much more sensitive and can be wounded very deeply... can take a long time to heal and we should be patient and understanding. There is no rule how long recovery should take.
It will happen as it will.

I'm not picking on you OK? Just my 2c.

dd

[msginaadoll]

Some post confuse me. I appreciate the fact that the original poster is supportive of there partner. I also appreciate that the ladies who post here give a different side, opinion, etc. There story and views are just as valid as anyone else. However there also usupportive wives ot there as well. Guessing by what Ive read CDs probably outnumber their partners, wives etc here by a large margin. Therefore you probably will see a lot of complaining about them here. Hopefully you will also see some supportive words too. But I think reality has to play a part here at least for me.

[janelle]

I for one understand just how hard it can be for you GG's. I have been upfront with my wife as soon as I found out I was trans. We have had many night & days of talking & in the end for me, she will not accept it. Yes we have it hard going thru what we do but I believe that those of you who stay with your spouse, try to help others here go thru a much biggie hell than most of us. I curtsie( I know not spelled correctly) to all of you & say THANK YOU so much.

Hugs & Kisses,
Janelle

[TxKimberly]

tx kimberley ,

fing READ batty's post in loved ones , THEN let's hear from you.

yea , plenty mad and aint gonna take it .

think of us , your supporting wife and all we do. then we get kicked for not doing more ? f it !
spring

OK, I've now "fing" read it and I still don't see a cause for the GG's to all be mad as hell and acting as if it's time to throw in the towel because you aren't being properly respected or treated.

I have a great deal of respect for Batty and really quite admire her, so it is with a bit of hesitation that I admit that I think that post is a bit silly. Work toward TG acceptance - sure. Acceptance and tolerance is an admirable and desirable goal what ever your motivation.

The concept that we or our spouses should be willing to share our TG status with the entire world, or else we are hypocrites, is a bit much. The idea that if we agree that if a wife has a right to know, somehow by extension, the entire neighborhood has a right to know, is worse than silly. We have a great deal more responsibilities and obligations to our wives than we do to our neighbors. They have a right to knowing about our personal lives and our neighbors do not.

OK, so a lot of us think Batty missed the mark on this one. How does that Merritt all of the women on this forum suddenly reaching the conclusion that we don't appreciate them, and that they aren't wanted or respected?

[Sarah...]

then we get kicked for not doing more ? f it !
spring

I've read the thread in question and it seems there's not many, if any, doing any "kicking". There are some questions being asked. There are some views being expressed. They may be disagreeable views. They are, however, just views, in writing. Can we get closer to the truth by tackling these views with views of our own that effectively point the proponents to a more agreeable "truth"?

Sarah...