I think this probably applies to most of us, with the exception of our mtf and ftm friends but I feel that I'm mostly caught between genders, and I'm ok with that. I don't have any real strong desire to transition completely to a female, nor do I have any desire to be extremely masculine. But If anything I lean more towards feminine.
Despite how I present myself on these forums, I have no desire to venture out in the world as a wannabe girl dressed in my silly wigs, over the top makeup, and major revealing dance club clothing or to even be referred to as Julia.Becoming Julia and sharing her with all of you has been merely a fun past-time, done within the privacy of my own home, but its not what I want or even who I truly am. And I think of Julia as being similar to that of playing a rpg game, where Im just taking on the role of some fantasy character, the keyword being fantasy, and not real life. Despite spending a decent amount of time and money "leveling" Julia up (sorry for the bad rpg reference lol!!) She is nothing more than a projection of my own internal feminine feelings and perhaps what I consider my own ideal female partner.
To get to the real me and the one I present to the world. I have started creating a more androgynous appearance for myself including the way I dress for everyday, and the way I groom myself. And I can see myself longterm as a very feminine androgynous man, without any secret lifestyle of crossdressing behind closed doors, with no stash of wigs, high-heels and party dresses and no weekend get-away dress-up sessions at a tranny/gay club. I don't want to live two lives, and I dont have some different persona when I'm wearing different gender appropriate clothing. Out in the world I have no desire to pass as a women, but only to have people wonder about me.
Is bi-gendered the right term for all of this? I'm not really sure where I fit in the huge land of labels and titles lol. Is it also wrong of me to consider things like mild hormone treatment, and slight facial surgeries, to become more androgynous on the outside and to give my own internal feminine a sense of peace, by knowing she isn't being buried by my own manly features.
thanks!